ktgrok Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 My ex husband, my 19 year old's father, died today of heart failure at the age of 45. He has had cardiomyopathy since he was in his twenties..plus kidney disease. I recently posted about him, actually. I guess he went into the hospital to have a different port placed for a different type of dialysis but kept throwing clots and his heart gave out (details are not fully there yet). I have no idea how to help my son through this. He's my Aspie, and very matter of fact. He let me hug him when I told him, and didn't cry, and I told him I was sorry, that it sucked, and wasn't fair, and it was okay to be upset. Then I asked him if he wanted to be alone and he said yet. Later he came out and asked a few more questions. He is acting like normal, although obviously it isn't normal. His grandparents are surely devastated, I've only spoken with his aunt, who is also grieving obviously. She offered to take him down to the father's hometown, 3 hours away tomorrow as the family will be gathering, but I don't think DS will want to go. I don't think all that grief around him is what he will want or need. I THINK my more matter of fact, "this sucks, I'm so sorry," but not over the top reaction may be more use to him right now, but i don't know. I guess I'll leave it up to him, of course. Anyway, prayers for my son welcome. And the whole family. Also, I'm Catholic, ex DH was Buddhist, and my son is an agnostic, so really no religious rituals to offer him to help ? Anyway, any advice is also welcome, on how to help a young adult through this. 1 29 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I am sorry. No advice, but thinking of you and your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeachyDoodle Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 No advice to give, but lots of hugs and prayers. ❤️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Oh, I'm so sorry. I guess like grief for anyone, grief for us Aspies tends to cycle, so what you see now may not be how it is later. (Not to generalize, as we are finding out so much about how very individual autism is.) Anyway, being there for him and letting him be himself is prob most important now. ❤️ 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Oh my gosh, Katie! I am so sorry! No words of wisdom; I would guess navigating an important death with an ASD son would be difficult. It’s hard to know what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I'm so sorry, my thoughts will be with you all as you help your son in this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frances Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I’m so sorry. No advice, but I will be thinking of your son and your family during this difficult time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hilltopmom Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I’m so sorry Katie. Thinking of your kiddo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Katie, I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for the entire family. I am so sorry. My only advice is to listen to Chris in VA - that's my experience, too. The reactions may come later or come in different forms, so don't worry about the "shoulds" and deal with your son's needs as they arise, whether on schedule or whether it's really recognizable as grief, or whether it looks like a new kind of difficulty in life. Which nobody on this planet is more equipped and ready to do than you. You've been his mother all this time. I know you will handle it well. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I am very sorry!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I’m so sorry, Katie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 No advice, but I am very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I'm so sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I’m so sorry! I remember your recent post requesting prayers for him. Even though he’s your ex I imagine this is tough for you too. If you have hospice near you, they should have some resources and counseling if you think it would be helpful for your son. In my area it’s free but I’m not sure if it is free everywhere. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I am so sorry. I am sending prayers to your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I am so sorry to hear this. My ASD kiddo likes to be with others when someone dies and likes to pay his respects, but he's an extrovert. He also had some experiences very early with older relatives dying, people gathering, funerals, etc. to set the stage for what to expect. I will pray for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Hugs and prayers for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I'll keep him in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Oh, Katie, I am so sorry. This must be all kinds of difficult for you. Praying for your son, the rest of your ex's family, and for you as you also process any thoughts/feelings you may have, and try to help your son process his. I know for my son, just permission to grieve, like you've already given, and then let him kind of lead the way on if/when he wants to talk, etc. Make him aware of the memorial service, family gathering, and let him decide and assure him whatever he chooses is fine. Then just be there. You know your boy, you'll be able to help him through this. ((Hugs)) to you both, though. Or to you, for the both of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I'm so sorry. I will pray for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Hugs to you guys. What a tragedy & a loss at an early age. I'm sorry to hear it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I'm so sorry, prayers for your son and the family. ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
school17777 Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I am so sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kareni Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Sending sympathy to your son and to you, Katie. Regards, Kareni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Oh, I'm so sorry. I remember your recent post about him. I have no words of wisdom but am sending sympathy to your ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Katie I am sad for you and your family and especially your DS whose dad passed away. I hope he did not suffer. I believe a period of Grief is normal and beneficial and hopefully your DS will cope with this in his own way. You can help your DS understand that what he feels about his father's death is normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I'm so sorry. I'd be inclined to encourage him to go. Closure and being there for the rest and all of that are usually really good in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry. I was just thinking about you and your ex earlier today. Praying or your son, the extended family and for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanin Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I’m very sorry, Katie. Best wishes to your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I am so sorry. Sending hugs and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I'm sorry. Remember to tell him how other people will expect him to behave, so he has the choice on whether or not he's going to. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I'm sorry, Katie. ❤️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Holding you in the light. How tough to deal with at this age for him, no matter what he's got going on otherwise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I'm praying here, Katie. I am so so sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I'm so sorry Katie. Both for you and your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I’m so sorry, he was young and your son is young, too. I am sure he will feel your care for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I'm so sorry that would be tough to deal with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I am so sorry. No real advice. I, too, have a 19yo aspie, and I don't know how I would help him through if his father, my ex, were to die. My best guess is that I would do much the same as you; touch base, give space, rinse and repeat. If it's an option, trying to get an opening with a therapist well versed in both autism and grief. :::hugs::: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I am so sorry to hear this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 Oh Katie, I’m so very sorry. I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Wish I had advice to help him through it but I think it’s just going to take time for him to process it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 Many (hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 Oh gosh, that is awful. You will all be in my prayers. (FWIW, when my family member died [whose child is on the spectrum, around your son's age], the child wanted to be a part of everything involving the wake, funeral, meals, etc. He said it made it real for him). 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaz Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I'm so sorry. He was so young. I seem to remember your posting about him and his health recently. I have no advice to give regarding Aspies and grieving....but I do know that the rituals of death that we go through can help, even if one does not believe. So perhaps there is something from your ex-husband's Buddhist or your Catholic faith that may help. Or perhaps your son will create his own grief ritual. My kids got a lot of comfort from planting a tree to honor my Dad after he died. It's a fruit tree--and they used to eat fruit with grandpa. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I'm sorry ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I’m so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for your ex-husband’s family, for your son, and for you. (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I’ll be praying for all of you. I’m so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted July 21, 2018 Author Share Posted July 21, 2018 Thank you all. I appreciate the prayers more than you know. It's just so very sad. I really don't have another word for it. His parents must be devastated, they adored him. It's just not fair. I keep reliving telling my DS, and it just feels so surreal. None of it feels real. About to go to bed and sure I will cry again, mostly for my son, who should not be going through this. It breaks my heart that his father won't be there when he gets married some day, or see grandchildren. And although it doesn't fix it, and it isn't the same, I'm also very grateful that I remarried, and that my son has my DH as a stepfather. That he will still have someone to at least partially fill that role in his life. But man. Like I said, my heart breaks for my boy. 2 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.