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Carol in Cal.

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About Carol in Cal.

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    Qualified Bee Keeper

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  • Location
    Silicon Valley, CA
  • Interests
    Lutheran theology and hymns, world history, chemistry, knitting, weaving, literature, reading
  • Occupation
    Homeschooling and also working fulltime

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  1. I would bring one question about the past and one piece of news about the present to talk about, and a food treat of some sort, and a knitting or other handwork project that doesn't need a lot of attention but that can help with the boredom aspect. I'd vary the times as suggested upthread, and usually go right after work. I'd set a goal of visiting weekly and try to check that box early each week, personally.
  2. I don’t think I would draw this conclusion just yet. Tensions are high right now, and they are not showing their best selves at all. They might really want a relationship with you, or maybe not. Especially your mom. Don’t decide yet. Maybe your kids were very rude to them. I don’t know. Maybe not. But your kids are grown, and if they are acting in a way that you didn’t raise them to act, that’s not a reflection on you. And it’s not the original issue, which has yet to be addressed in any meaningful way. I don’t know that I would assume that your mom has heard your side of this at
  3. It’s pretty normal, albeit quite immature, for people to deflect things that make them question their own behavior. One would hope that these grown women would be beyond that point. I’m not sure what to suggest, but I think that you could reasonably ask for an apology from your sisters FOR HOW THEY TREATED YOU. And if they bring up your children, you can say, “That’s between you and them. Right now we are talking about what you did to me.” Honestly I doubt that this will fix things but it might at least get your position and treatment an airing. It seems like everyone has f
  4. See, I don’t think that was gross at all.
  5. No, no, no...these are left behind by the aliens who use the tunnel under the monolith to enter your house for elusive purposes.
  6. The issue had nothing to do with your children. That was a diversion. You don’t answer for them, and them supposedly hurting your sisters’ feelings is no excuse for them to exclude you. That is the truth of the situation.
  7. This is BS. Just to be clear. (I mean, your sisters’ actions, and your mom supporting them.) I think that it would make sense to follow through with the sisters and explicitly ask them to include you in family events from now on, staying calm (as someone suggested up thread.). Regarding your mom, really what she is saying is that it’s fine for her to have a birthday party just for family and not even tell you about it. She should have stood up for you, and said, “You need to include Joker. I am disappointed that I need to tell you that.” If she is not setting that expection, th
  8. I would decide by prioritizing church, health, your immediate family, and your personal finances. Please forgive me if I am misremembering this, but didn’t you say that your DH has old student loans that are ballooning and at high interest rates? I’d take that into account in making this decision. I’m not saying to disregard your parents and your sister’s locations, but they could easily move and so I don’t think that proximity to them should be the major decision making issue. In fact, I wonder whether there are other areas you should consider that are near neither of them but that wo
  9. That’s pretty bad. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and excluded.
  10. I don’t feel that way about George Floyd. There is no reason that I know of to think that he knew he was using counterfeit money. And even if he had been, the punishment so far exceeds the crime as to be unthinkable. Furthermore, that punishment was meted out by an officer of the law who therefore did it in my name. That is beyond unacceptable. There are those who argue that this was not what killed George Floyd, but that kind of treatment is wrong whether it killed him or not. And I think that it did. To me this situation is so egregiously a clear one of victim and villain tha
  11. This is not unreasonable anger. This is righteous wrath. Furthermore, this is a job for an attorney. Lawyer up right now. Seriously.
  12. I’ve been thinking about this more, and I think that the hardest thing about dealing with toxic people for the first time is learning healthy skepticism. It just seems so crazy to someone new to the party to see someone else always be wondering whether the truth is being told, or whether something is an accidental slight or on purpose. That deep, ongoing suspicion can make it seem like the victim is the one who is nuts. But then gradually the observer comes to realize that that is not so. Someone who has never seen the kind of craziness that we are talking about can take a long time to reco
  13. Also, I don’t dislike that kind of advice unless it’s knee jerk and automatic. I advise differently at times but that doesn’t mean that I think it’s always wrong to do it. Just saying. If I were the OP I probably would have landed exactly where she did regarding her mother, for instance.
  14. I’m not suggesting that she would, just that she should think about clarifying it with her daughter in case her daughter might have that impression. The OP has never struck me as someone who would cut her child off for not taking advice, but kids do sometimes project things like that, and I think it’s important to be clear about it, both personally and in communications.
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