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Ktgrok

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Everything posted by Ktgrok

  1. It sounds like she needs to enroll in school for the health benefits, stipend, etc.
  2. The best thing to do when in an unhealthy situation is leave. She definitely needs to get out. I’ve seen too many people in this situation and it doesn’t get better until they leave. Sometimes the daughter may have anxiety due to inherited traits, but often it is just because they are being emotionally manipulated constantly.
  3. I would sit down and have a talk and tell him that your goals are for him to be happy and productive. That he obviously is not happy right now because happy people don’t go around threatening others. And he isn’t being productive at school. So what would help him to be happy and productive? For you, part of what makes you happy and productive is your religion but you understand that isn’t what he wants. So what does he want? Ask him to think about what would make him happy and productive in life.I would sit down and have a talk and tell him that your goals are for him to be happy and productive. That he obviously is not happy right now because happy people don’t go around threatening others. And he isn’t being productive at school. So what would help him to be happy and productive? For you, part of what makes you happy and productive is your religion but you understand that isn’t what he wants. So what does he want? Ask him to think about what would make him happy and productive in life.
  4. Ktgrok

    wallpaper?

    Same, plus two layers of paint on top.
  5. Researching the cost freaks me out a bit too, unless it was in the context of proving to his friends it was too expensive or something? But yeah, make sure the doctors/therapists all know that part! Or do they already know, and what do they think? What does your son say about that? regarding the illegal weapons, I'm assuming knives with an auto open on them, which are often illegal. If that's it, it wouldn't frighten me so much....dumb, but many normal law abiding people end up with illegal knives often on accident as they are easier to use, etc. No where near as concerning as the researching hit men thing. I agree with others that the regimented hard work could be good or bad....is this work he will enjoy, get satisfaction from, feel fulfilled by? Or just work for work's sake - which may be way to similar to school for the sake of school, and have the opposite effect. You don't want him having a reason to be resentful. When I said volunteer work I meant something he'd really enjoy, feel fulfilled by, etc. So less stocking cans on soup kitchen shelves, more interactive, like walking dogs at a no kill shelter, feeding animals and cleaning up after them at a sanctuary, tutoring kids, etc. Something where he makes a connection with something outside himself, not just rote work. Unless he likes that kind of thing, some do, but I bet he doesn't. Putting a can on a shelf and knowing someone will someday get fed isn't the same brain light up as handing someone a plate of food and seeing their hunger pain go away.
  6. To be clear, am I right in that this young man has never actually done anything violent at all? Not hurting people or pets, not throwing objects at people, not punching walls repeatedly, not shoving past people, etc? He just mouths off, and has made vague threats in the vein of "I hate that Mr. so and so...I'm going to mess him up!" to other people/social media but not directly to anyone? So not saying TO a teacher "I'm going to kill you!" but more posturing/complaining to others, like "man, I'd like to take that lady out!"? If it's just tough talk, and sullen refusal and not violent behavior, ever, I'm thinking it is him trying to look tough to his peers, trying to figure out a way to fit in, trying to be "grown". Plus dealing with mortality issues, stress, etc of multiple family tragedies. Sometimes trash talk really is just trash talk. I think the underlying issue needs to be dealt with - why does he think this is the way to get attention or appear grown, but would not jump to label him a sociopath because he talks big in front of his friends. Young boys that age can be totally clueless, worse so in a group.
  7. If she can commit to a weekly or biweekly library trip he could do the thing where he picks one book about social studies/history (biographies are great for this, or the "You Wouldn't Want to Be" books), one book about science (topic of his choice), at least one fiction book that is not a "kids series), and then whatever else he wants. Read from each of those daily. Do Kahn Academy math. Write letters, write in a journal, write reviews of video games, whatever. Watch PBS. It's not a traditional education, but it would be a valid one.
  8. I would never say "you are broken", I just point out that everyone is different, and we all have some things that come easily, and some things that are harder for us, and that it is different things for different people. I'd also say that being able to do things that are hard is probably a necessary skill in and of itself. That doesn't mean that the therapies and academics need to be hard, but that SOMETHING should be hard and then he works hard and gets success with it. Otherwise, eventually he will hit something hard and think hard = can't do it and won't even try, you know? In the beginning, I think maybe the best way to approach that is to do something with or in front of him that is hard for YOU...let him see you struggle, have some small failures that you regroup from, let him see you laugh at yourself as you mess up. Let him see you get frustrated and handle it. (and of course, since this is ASD we are dealing with, actually verbalize all those things out loud). I have a LOT of ASD traits but don't think I'd be quite diagnosed (DS19's father also had ASD traits but different ones than mine, so he got a double dose of those genetics). I think the BEST thing for me growing up was seeing my Dad mess up and be okay with it. In fact, my sister and I have both agreed, despite having VASTLY different personalities, that that example of emotional resilience was probably the biggest factor in our upbringing. We have this innate sense of "we can figure it out, even if it takes several tries" and "if you mess up you just fix it, no big deal" that a lot of kids and adults don't seem to have (she's a high school principal, and tries to pass on that attitude to her students). It can be simple things, like putting together Ikea furniture, speaking out loud about how confused you are, how lots of people are good at this but man, it sure is hard for you! Then realizing you put something on backwards and having to undo it all and start over. Saying out loud, "Ugh! That stinks. Oh well, I'll get it right this time. It's hard, but if I keep at it I'll figure it out". Or learning a new hobby, home repairs, etc. Let him see you get way out of your comfort zone and muddle through. Let him see you make mistakes, and recover from them, and verbalize the process. Let him see you struggle and succeed, even if success isn't perfect. Like, "man, this cake is a bit lopsided, but I did it! And I bet it tastes good anyway. My next one I'll do XYZ and it will be even better." Then, after he's gotten used to that, and you talk about it, try having him do something hard, or do it together. With the black and white thinking that goes with ASD it can be a real problem, as they tend to think that hard = bad at it= shouldn't even try. Which leads to real problems as they get older. So to be clear, I don't mean slam the kid with a bunch of hard stuff, but do make "doing hard things" a skill/goal to work towards. Oh, and point out OFTEN the hard stuff he has already done....you break it into manageable bites for him so it sounds like he doesn't realize it was hard...make a big deal about how it WAS hard, and the HUGE gains he made, and how it seemed easier because it was broken down into smaller bits, and that when he hits something new that seems hard you can do that again, break it down into easier bite sized bits.
  9. Ktgrok

    wallpaper?

    My condolences. I can say that 10 years later I still have a visceral response to the IDEA of wallpaper. It didn't help that we were having our wedding reception at that house, so were on a deadline to get it off and repaint. hence the wee hours of the morning steaming/ripping/cursing.
  10. Ktgrok

    wallpaper?

    I do. It's that or hate the people that put up multiple layers of wallpaper in this house, with then multiple layers paint over the top. Was a NIGHTMARE to get it off. I think I still have burns from the commercial steamer we eventually rented, out of desperation. We tried all the "tricks", we scored it, we tried sprays, we tried the steamer...it was just a total nightmare. Multiple nights up until 1am pulling that stuff down. That and landscaping rock are my home hates. (same people put many layers of landscape rock down, which later grass grew over, so now when I try to dig a hole to plant something it is mostly rock. ugh.)
  11. Also, did the behavior change coincide with the cancer diagnoses and loss of life in your family? Could this be his way of handling/not handling grief? Or dealing with mortality, etc?
  12. Yes - my son had a gaming addiction, or what looked like one. But it was the symptom, not the problem. Trying to control the gaming didn't work, and pushed him away from us. Letting him stop school and getting him a volunteer job with animals pretty much cured it. He was getting immediate feedback/gratification/realization he was important - he'd see a hungry animal, then feed it and it was happy. His actions had VALUE, he had purpose. With that, he didn't need the false purpose he got from gaming. A good point..just as a bad group of friends in real life can influence a kid, so can a group online. Truth....so many bright/gifted kids drop out. I almost did. I went to college a year early instead, best decision ever. Agreed. Boys that age need PURPOSE. They need to know their actions and their very selves have value. Some find that in gangs, in cults, in political extremist groups. Others in volunteer work, schoolwork, jobs, hobbies, etc. Again, I highly advise getting him volunteer work.
  13. Ktgrok

    Pondering

    It would have been unwise, but not immoral or malicious, in my opinion. That's assuming it didn't occur to them that the snooper might do someihtn with the false information. I'm assuming the writer intended the snooper to come to them directly with the ill gotten info, at which point they would clarify, with no harm to the third party. Unwise, given that other scenarios could happen, but not unethical purposely. If they KNEW and understood that damage might be done to the third party, rather than just being unthinking, I'd consider that immoral.
  14. Also, get the kid hooked on PBS. This Old House, Bob Ross, Antiques Roadshow, etc. Fetch with Ruff Ruffman is a PBS kids show that is AMAZING in how much it teaches about all sorts of things. I swear I can never teach my kids anything new because they have learned it all already on PBS in one form or another 🙂
  15. khan academy for math. Reading books at grade level for reading. Writing in a journal for writing. watching documentaries for social studies and science. Plus field trips on the weekends? Maybe the online version of Sequential Spelling, although that method is hit or miss. Oh, soaring with spelling might work.
  16. Ktgrok

    Pondering

    Snooper. It was unwise, but not morally wrong to write falsehoods in a personal journal that no one else should ethically be looking at. If another person, also I'm assuming a legal adult, handles and snoops in someone's personal property without permission, that's morally wrong. AND if they then add to that by spreading rumors that they have not verified, that is also wrong.
  17. yes! The first thing, just discussing things, I'm fine with and often have decent conversations. It's that second thing, people assuming you are "one of them" and can use language that is frankly offensive. It's not that they feel that way that is so upsetting, it's that people assume I feel that way too - thats what really bothers me. A lot of this is actually not about politics at all, but about things like racism, etc that always existed but have become more open in some places in recent years. Not that people are more racist , just more open about it. Other things as well, not just racism. This was a huge issue for me. I'm currently taking refuge for a while in a different denomination, and although that is not primarily for political reasons, it does play a part I think. Where I attend now is kind of a haven for those of my beliefs.
  18. At this point, in my head, Heigh Ho lives in a yankee version of Lake Woebegone, where all the children are above average but none get any classes except study hall, while driving on the ice uphill both ways, hoping to avoid the rush hour of 70-80 year olds working under the table jobs while collecting huge pensions and never paying any property taxes. I don't mean I don't believe you, Heigh Ho, but wherever you live just seems so vastly different than anywhere I've lived, or people I know have lived, or even people on this board have experience. It's like another planet to me.
  19. I live in technically a purple metro area, but in my neighborhood/town I'm in the minority politically and yes, it does effect me. It means I don't discuss certain things in public or at least not with neighbors, etc. It can be kind of depressing at times, to be so upset about something political and know that most of the people around you feel the exact opposite. It never bothered me before this last presidential election cycle, and to be fair it really isn't that this area is mostly people of the other party, it's that this area is plenty full of what I consider the worst of that party, if that makes sense? Things that many in that party would disavow, those in my area would be loud and proud about. So that's more the issue than politics in general. It's better now, I lived, but yeah...in an existential way it can be a bit rough. I dream of living somewhere more in line with my views, but won't move just because of that.
  20. A 70 something year old woman should just quite and get another job??? Seriously? In what world is its easy for a person in their 70's to get hired pretty much anywhere? People in their 50s are facing ageism, let alone 70s! And not wanting to go to full time at 76 years old is hardly something to consider lazy, etc.
  21. Any chance of PANDAS? Two symptoms are OCD and refusal to eat.
  22. Can you get him away from his peer group? A different town/state?
  23. You said therapists..you need psychiatric help not a therapist. I call BS that he has no psychological issues. He's exhibiting emotional disregulation, violent thoughts, anti social behavior, etc. He's gone from good grades and behavior to totally anti social behavior. Any chance there are other drugs in play? Any ADHD? Any head injuries before this happened? Has his regular doctor examined him and done lab work? I'd give him the option of stopping school and getting a job, volunteer or paid, doesn't matter. School isn't the right place for a lot of bright kids at that age, it just isn't.
  24. Please show me where it has been proven that it is safe and good to feed significantly less than the recommended amount of a dog food, in order to restrict calories in a high calorie food? You say it is well known and proven. I saw that the veterinary nutritionists and those formulating the foods say differently. You show me how it is possible that a dog would get the right level of say, calcium or vitamin E or since or certain amino acids if they eat say, half the recommended amount. Again, you keep talking about feeding excessive amounts. No one said excessive amounts. And you keep talking about stamina. How much stamina does the average housepet need?
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