Jump to content

Menu

Indigo Blue

Members
  • Posts

    4,385
  • Joined

  • Days Won

    3

Indigo Blue last won the day on December 27 2023

Indigo Blue had the most liked content!

Reputation

9,029 Excellent

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    hiking, cycling

Contact Methods

  • Location
    NC
  • Occupation
    Bookkeeper

Recent Profile Visitors

2,409 profile views
  1. Thank you for this. I agree with you. I think we go so far out of our way to NOT do things for children, out of fear that they will forever be damaged and stunted somehow, that it gets taken to an extreme. I feel that I was the type of mom that other younger moms would today label as helicopter mom, from the outside looking in. To me, on the inside, the way I patented felt intuitive, natural, and warm. Both of our grown sons are completely independent, happy, and self confident. It is so perplexing to me that there is this strange way of thinking that you have to back off as soon as they start walking, and the pressure from other moms to do so is strong. I guess you can tell I have strong feelings about this. 😛
  2. I had never heard about baby fundie voice until now. But regarding general judging or non judging of voices, I think we should all strive to focus on what someone is trying to convey over what their voice sounds like. I agree that some voices are easier to listen to and less distracting, but one should try to realize this person has something to say, and make an effort to focus on that. I would never agree that women should try to change their voice to accommodate other people or men. I say this as a person who has a very soft voice, and I also have a mild stutter. People have mocked my voice to my face many times. If I start stuttering, I can see the person’s face change as they notice it. It’s like I can see that they are now aware of it. Then, that makes it worse. ( Most of the time you’d never know). I’m probably more hyper aware of focusing on what someone is trying to say vs. type of voice, etc. , because of my own experiences.
  3. They do. It’s their cash management account. Lots of people use that as a checking account. Free checks, no minimum balance. I just opened this account, and I like it. One drawback…Fidelity takes a long time to settle. Like a deposit or EFT transfer takes 6 days. Wire transfers are faster.
  4. Hmmm….don’t know if this will help…..but, hopefully it does. You could think of your inhibition as being something that your “inner child” is holding onto because that feels safer. You could internally tell that vulnerable child that the adult side of you is going to take charge of this and do what is best for “both” of you. Tell your inner child to let go and let the adult version of you be in control. This is what I do when I need to do things that I feel inhibited to do. I have a problem with not wanting to feel like I am being mean and angry at people because it, well, makes me feel like I am being a mean and angry person. Changing long-time accountants, asking for a deposit back from a painter who didn’t show up when they said they would and were unavailable by phone that whole day, etc. These things are very hard, so I make my adult self take over and just do the thing. I still have the feelings, but I let the “adult” deal with them now. If your adult just did the thing, the first time would be the hardest. It would probably be fine after that. Sorry….just now reading you didn’t want advice. Anyway, this is how I am trying to overcome at least part of mine. Just ignore if this isn’t helpful.
  5. It seems we are gouged at every turn these days with higher prices, fees, an extra charge for this or that. Tipping is out of control, etc. I was just thinking about the post I made about my bank calling and trying so desperately to get me to change our account type. The new type had a very high minimum balance requirement (in all combined deposit accounts) and the fee was 25.00 per month if this wasn’t met. They tried to persuade me by making the perks of the new type seem really great. They even offered a free safe deposit box, lol. I was wondering if bank monthly fees are rising in other banks. Is free checks becoming a thing of the past? Do you think it will soon become a thing of the past? Is free checking in physical bank locations becoming scarce? I know a lot of online accounts are free. Just curious.
  6. “Clawed and fought to be a different kind of mother”….. Same.
  7. It’s so hard NOT to call out things I can now see happening in real time ( that I was blind to for so long)! It needs to be called out, but that runs the risk of having her escalate. The goal is gray rock, but it’s hard. It’s probably best to err on the safe side as much as possible.
  8. I could have written that, Saraha. Thanks. The “how do I handle her internally” part is huge. HUGE. Takes a lot.
  9. I was thinking about stuff you can’t control (anxiety) vs spiteful and mean. I’ve posted before that my mom has anxiety. She could choose to make an effort to get help, but she chooses not to. The outward lying and being spiteful doesn’t stem from her anxiety in a lot of cases. The thing with her is, she is spiteful and mean but so much of it is hidden. I don’t cut her off, either. I just limit contact now and keep topics shallow as much as possible. I do recognize that some parts of her behavior, she just can’t change. About what Gardenmom said about being young and reeling from childhood trauma….personally, I had no clue what “trauma” was then. I only knew that my mom made me cry a lot, and that she seemed mean sometimes. But I had no understanding or perspective. I often thought I was the selfish, spoiled person she seemed to think I was. And that all moms must be like that behind closed doors when disciplining their selfish children. She was/is hyperfocused on selfishness, while at the same time she is a controlling, lying, physically and emotionally abusive person. But very covertly so. Going back to the socks, think about this: You are a minor (use any age) and have a whole bag of socks that you don’t want to share. Your mom commands you to share and shames you for not thinking of others and being selfish. You think about it and (being a sensitive person) suddenly feel like the very bad person your mom claims you are being. On the surface, it seems mom is the “good” person for making her selfish children share, but, really, the controlling and shaming tactics are abusive. A child can’t see this, of course, and thinks they are the problem. Being raised this way, that shame takes root in your core. It takes a lot of maturity and learning to be able to see through this. Teaching a child to share is important, but it’s devastating to a child to be shamed at every turn like that. That parent is incapable of parenting in a healthy way. My mom just expected automatic awesomeness from her children even when she had not parented and modeled behaviors in a healthy way. Raging, shaming, and screaming was her go to method. She didn’t know any better way.
  10. In my case, my brother has been the golden child for basically his whole life. My mom depends on him emotionally, he was treated very differently all along, etc. He, as an adult, is so enmeshed with her, he can’t stand back and see the big picture. The rest of the people in her life can change roles, depending on several things, including how the person treats her, etc. I can gain favor with her if I let her get close enough to me to dig in and control me, like she tries to do with my brother. But the closer I let her get, the more she feels free to say what she thinks, start arguments, rage if I say something wrong, etc. I have learned to keep a certain distance. Even though I could gain some favor, it’s not the same as the gc. It never will be. I have lived long enough to see that will never happen, and, at this point, I know enough to know I don’t want it to.
  11. My understanding (from Dr. Ramini, Dr. Les Carter, and others) is that the golden child-scapegoat-NPD scenario is dynamic. Usually the golden child is pretty much the same, but it CAN change. It is possible for a scapegoat to move up the ladder if something happens between GC and NPD. At any given point in time, a person can quickly move from friend to enemy of the NPD. The NPD needs supply just like they need air. This is why things can change. The needs of their fragile ego must be met, so positions can be dynamic if it is necessary. YES. ABSOLUTELY. My non gc brother, who no longer gets entangled with her, gets talked about constantly. The NPD will just naturally default to shedding their toxicity elsewhere. My mom is not diagnosed, but you probably know that I think she’s a narcissist. My mom had a golden granddaughter. When they had a major disagreement, that gd went from someone my mom was always trying to “rub in my face” for lack of better explanation, to someone my mom began to trash, astonishingly, to me, in my presence, behind the gd’s back. And I did witness her manipulating my golden child brother just last week. Little things that I would never have noticed before until I learned so much about what these behaviors look like. I spotted it immediately! Don’t quote this part!!!! Mom and adult golden child brother live together. Brother bought a pair of socks for plantar fasciitis. A six pack. I was looking at them because Dh also has plantar fasciitis. Mom said give him a pair. Brother didn’t respond, so I knew he didn’t want to part with any of his socks. I said it’s fine, I’ll order Dh some. No big deal. Mom said to brother, no! John, (fake name) give him a pair! He’s been over here doing so much and fixing so many things at YOUR house! You give him a pair! to a grown 50 something adult man. I spoke up (gently, of course) ….mom don’t guilt him. He doesn’t “owe” us his socks. You are making him feel guilty about it. Mom doubled down. Brother was looking at me incredulously, and seemed stunned that I called out her “guilting”. He promptly dropped a pair of socks in my lap. I felt it was because of what I said rather than her manipulating. Also, if you’d been paying really close attention, you’d have noticed that she used the words “he’s done so much at YOUR (brother’s) house.” She bought and paid for the house, but it’s in his name. She cleans, decorates, and makes decisions as if it’s her house. Always. When she wanted to manipulate, suddenly it was HIS house. Basically, if you are not for them, you are against them. This can change depending on how you are meeting the needs of the NPD.
  12. I like those tents that attach to cars and campers. We have a canopy, not a tent, that attaches to the back of a car. I love it.
  13. I have come to realize that I think I prefer tents with light colored floors. So you can see bugs and spiders. 🕷️ 🪳🪲 So many tents have very dark floors. There must be a reason for this. Maybe better sleep with a darkened floor? Well, I will sleep better knowing I can SEE if I wake up looking around me for a bug I felt crawling. Hmmm….just a random thought for today. I like the contrast of dark bugs on a light floor. 😬
  14. They do annoy her. (Rightfully so). So she set a boundary (rightfully so) and was very comfortable and content interacting with her mom within that boundary. Her mom is pushing that boundary and is being controlling. And mean. You don’t deal with people like this the way you deal with reasonable people.
×
×
  • Create New...