(( I'm so sorry. )) Talking to someone sufficiently skilled... with whom you get to a relationship of trust... who then is able to push you a little bit (but not too much or too early or too fast) further/harder/into places than you'd be inclined or able to go on your own... and is able to pierce through the defensive armor you cannot help but put on... along with applying particular tools/ methods/ approaches... ... enables you to work out how to better respond YOURSELF to facts that can't change. But you have to be ready. You have to want it. Premature therapy is vanishingly unlikely to do much because ( ellipsing only because every recovery journey is different, and people respond differently to therapy and medication and other tools and sheer time; but this is a wonderful image of the GOAL ) CBT v DBT (behavioral "tools") v other analytical methods of how to confront disordered patterns I also have found a mostly CBT-leaning approach to be very helpful. I know many others for whom a more DBT-leaning was the one. Based on my personal circle, I wonder if there's maybe a "fit" issue where folks who think more analogously/metaphorically/systems-y find the CBT "framing" stuff helpful, and those who think more linearly and concretely find the DBT tools more helpful. But in any event. It starts with finding a skilled person with whom you can get to a relationship of trust. And who can read your (inevitable, none of us can help it) defenses for what they are, and figure out a way to move forward nonetheless. (( good luck. )) I also really wish I'd tried seriously, which -- fair warning, and, I do understand how very hard it is to work through this when you're under water and impaired -- included several rounds of finding a person with the right fit, years earlier.

re deutzias Once they're established they're pretty drought tolerant; I almost never water any of them. I'm in CT so we don't get sustained HEAT heat; they might droop at the high end of their ~3-8 range. They really are quite sturdy though.

One of my absolute favorite flowering shrubs is deutzia, which comes in regular mounding, upright and dwarf forms; most variants are white but I have a few (two upright, two dwarf) that are pale pink, very graceful sprays of blossoms. They are absolute workhorses -- can take pruning whenever you get around to it, do fine if you don't get around to it, deer resistant, can take anything from full sun to dappled shade, with fairly long bloom cycles. Mine (I have a bunch of variants, so the lot of them) bloom from mid May through early July. Here is a nice pink dwarf and there are plenty of white ones. The also propagate very easily with my hack-"layering" system of pulling a low a branch down to ground level, making a few cuts with a knife, plonking a large rock on top of the branch, and waiting 6-24 months; the weighted branch pretty much invariably has rooted and I have a nice baby plant to put somewhere else.

LOL if this person knew you in college and you've stayed on visiting terms ever since then I expect the person can roll with it.

I'd start by asking at the nearest "50+ place" about reserving a room... ... and then posting a "let's meet-up" general invite at the place you get supplies. The tweens will self-select out, if the location is the 50+ place. Ask the supply place, they might well be willing to give you a fistful of discount cards and/or send over somebody to demonstrate a particular process.

Scarlett, your b / a is gorgeous! And the paint looks great. Dawn, I love the idea of flanking bookcases, can never have too many bookcases, but wrt to your second rendering-picture, I'm not quite sold on the transition between the raised hearth and the ~2x as tall cabinets. To my eye, it makes the hearth feel cramped -- discourages the sit your butt on down here sense that a good raised hearth invites (see: Scarlett's cushions). How wide is your hearth? Do you need the storage in the cabinets? Would it work if rather than the cabinets beneath the shelving, you did bench seating beneath the shelving that continued the height and sense of the raised hearth?

I like the idea of classic books that *you* loved as a child - you can tell them so, and after you've left they'll have something to remind them of your visit and help them understand you/connect to you a little bit more. And maybe a game you enjoy as @wathe suggested, and/or some nice quality art supplies too, in the event they're not big readers. You're a good sister, and it's totally understandable to be nervous and overthinking, and I hope it goes well. Holding you both in the light.

https://bsky.app/profile/kenwhite.bsky.social/post/3kpvg4bl7xd25 (language alert)

TY - I'd missed that.

Absolutely. Because itty bitty 6 year olds have ALWAYS had incredibly strong emotions, the cognitive capacity to make and act on a plan, and on-average weak impulse control; and in the current environment they can and do also have guns in their backpack.

re systemic ways in which "accountability" is hindered These are are real issues. Systemic faultlines like the bolded* and systems failure are real, and the all-too-human inclination to cast around for a single scapegoat -- one Individual, one Bad Apple, one focus on whom everything can be blamed -- is a sort of abdication from the hard necessary work of tackling the systems stuff. Insufficient access to, and stigma around, mental health support is another huge systems failure. For the issue of gun violence and gun suicide at the hands of children, the BIGGEST system failure is guns in the hands of unsupervised children. Making progress there -- safe storage laws, civil liabilities and criminal penalties on adult gun owners who do not store responsibly, red flag laws enabling LEO to remove weapons when warranted -- will have the biggest yield. But all of the above issues also need work. * not bolding social promotion only because the kid was in kindergarten so it hadn't come up yet in this particular case

My daughter and I put some -- I think it was these -- in a rental. They were easy-peasy to put up (if you've ever put up wallpater, this was MUCH easier) -- and they looked great (not like real tile; it didn't really read like a hard impermeable surface; but they looked GOOD) and they held up fine for the 2-3 years she was there. Probably wouldn't hold up for the 20++ years that actual tiles would hold up but they were a lot cheaper / easier.

(( maize )) I am, again, astounded at your strength and compassion.

FWIW, the parents were charged and convicted of involuntary manslaughter, not murder. I believe -- IANAL -- that the charge is used for conduct without explicit intention of harm -- like texting or drinking while driving, or depriving workers of water breaks when they're working under extreme heat, or accidentally discharging a gun -- that results in death. @Terabith I do understand your discomfort about these particular individuals being charged when Michigan law didn't have safe storage legislation at the time. They weren't literally charged for not-storing the weapon at the single moment the minor took it, but for a broader pattern of conduct over a longer period of time, that the two juries found to be negligent. But I do see what you're saying. I'm glad that in the wake of this godawful tragedy, Michigan managed to pass both a safe storage law when it is reasonably known that a minor is likely to be on the premises; and also another that outlines consequences to less-than-responsible gun owners whose un-stored weapon is used by minors. I agree with @ScoutTN that making real inroads on reducing gun violence and suicide ultimately entails federal action. But we have to start somewhere, and atm the state level is where progress is being made, too slowly but better is better.

I don't, even if it were possible with our current system and polity, which it isn't. What I hope for is that we take the idea of responsible gun ownership seriously. I have no problem with minor high school skeet shooting teams (or minors hunting, or etc) where there is adult supervision, as there is for high school sport teams and clubs in all sorts of other areas with substantially less risk of accident. Under our legal system, minors **cannot be** legally responsible in the event of accident. Even the "good kids" with no history of mental struggle like the Michigan shooter, even the kids whose parents have spent hours training them on safety precautions. If minors are using weapons in the absence of any supervising adult, there is no one responsible.