Thank you everyone. I really appreciate being able to process this. I think where I am right now is pretty much the same. I personally am not going to serve her when we are back home. If we are out here in Jtown with others, I will continue to not say anything should she get poured a drink. She has had enough alcohol education, between public high school, home talks/modeling, and the college freshman orientation (they do a mandatory, online course at JMU before school starts which covers many safety aspects). Hopefully she won't continue to drink at college, but I am thankful she was honest. As far as judging, yep, I judge. But, defining terms here, I judge behavior, not people. We all do, and my goodness, if you think you don't, then you are not being honest. There is a difference between that and treating someone as though they are less than, because they do something you have seen as wrong. That is "judging" and I am not doing that with dd. Comment further if you wish but I will be deleting later. Thanks for so much good discussion and for allowing me to push back and to seek clarification.

Please know I am not trying to be contentious with you. I really appreciate your engagement with me in this conversation. You are right, there is not a direct correlation with driving. There was when I was 18; we could drink 3.2percent alcohol (which I always thought was stupid since you could just drink more of it...). It was akin to a learner's permit, I guess. So you said when you were driving, but before the learner's permit, you talked and modeled and so on about good driving. But you did not give the keys over to practice actually driving until the legal permit, right? Well for us, we model and talk about safety and pairing and "technique" and all that with drinking. So we are teaching. We do not want to give the glass over, like you don't want to give the keys over, until the "legal permit" is obtained. Another thing is, if you do try to teach drinking by giving drinks (which under parental supervision is legal in VA), how do you determine what age? And if your kid is an alcoholic and you triggered it by giving drinks... Ugh this is complicated to me. Thank you agin everyone for helping me think this all the way thru and giving me advice and the benefit of your experiences.

We have a pretty open relationship, and I am pretty sure of that because it's been noticed by my best friend, who is a family therapist and dd lives with her. I did not talk at her, afaik. She was relaxed and sharing and I was, too. We were both open and honestly it was good conversation. I do expect her to abstain til she is 21. It is illegal for her to have alcohol in the dorm or in a private apt without a parent there. Afa teaching her to drink, I have certainly modeled drinking appropriately over the years. I don't see a need to give her alcohol as part of that, similar to not needing to give driving lessons until a permit is legally obtained,to use an analogy. She knows how to drink "on paper," and I would expect the hands-on experience to occur starting at 21. Is this unusual?

I am being honest. I am being about as raw and honest about all my feelings and thoughts as I can. So, to be clear, you are saying I have to serve her because she is of age here? I should have given her a taste of my beer? And I should also not drink if I don't serve her?

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Super. I guess I was generalizing my own experience. Sorry

Laubach Literacy teaches adults to read. Their materials are free, I think. (Tutored adults thru LL about 28 years ago.) Phonics Pathways would be my choice, though.

I don't think anyone is saying you shouldn't make it a requirement of living with you that he gets a summer job. I and others seem to be saying you don't need to be taking quite so much ownership of the job hunt process; he's an adult and may not need so much scaffolding. Does he have some special needs where he does need that? Or are you used to doing so? I had a situation where both were true, but I finally was able to step back and let my kid adult on his own. Maybe you can let him search and all?

The Scarlet and The Black, with Gregory Peck. It's about the Vatican and the Nazis. It has an incredibly touching ending told by text after the last scene--one of the most profoundly hopeful I've ever experienced.

Our son with ASD went to school 90 minutes away, but he didn't come home hardly at all. I think it is very individual. Have you taught him enough life skills that you feel he can handle himself without too much direct intervention? There is always video calling and such for support. FWIW, 😏 as a mom with ASD, I'm thousands of miles away from my kids now. It is harder on me!