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Everything posted by Lecka

  1. I think this is the real hard part. There is not a lot to actively do to directly help him. These are the kinds of things that really do help! They are not very satisfying compared to doing something more dramatic, and can seem like nothing, ignoring what is going on, not doing enough, etc. This is why it is so hard! This is where it gets into -- it can be okay for him to have this problem, and for his brother to have his problem of feeling frustrated. These are things that can be okay. It is so hard, though, and there is probably not a solution in the sense of -- fixing it and making him feel better! I really did not get into this parenting thing to sit on the sidelines while my kids are struggling! But sometimes it is a good thing to do, anyways!
  2. I think this can be a constructive attitude for someone who is being asked to go out and figure out their entire life from scratch. I don’t mean I “like” it — but I am glad I am not that age anymore! It is not an easy age to be ime.
  3. Okay -- if you are comfortable with the counselor's suggestions -- the thing is, it is very hard to carry out -- because it comes across like you are some uncaring person, not sympathetic to your child, just saying "go to school, it's going to be okay." Really -- it is hard, but when it is appropriate -- this is a very good, caring thing to do. It is really difficult! It is not some easy thing where you are just going "who cares, suck it up."
  4. I so agree! It is so hard, but it really can help! I agree with this, too. Keeping in mind that he is 11! It is a learning experience -- he may have some negative consequences, but maybe he will also be able to feel like he doesn't have to keep it a secret and kids like him anyways. As far as embarrassing things for a sibling to put up with, this is pretty minor! It is frustrating for siblings any ways, but sometimes siblings will be frustrated with the most mild thing.
  5. My niece is about to apply ED to a non-selective school (admitting 80% of applicants), where she would be full-pay, because she has received poor grades and mediocre test scores. My sister wants her to know early if she needs to really try to raise her grades to improve her GPA, or really try to raise her SAT/ACT score. On the other hand, if she can get in ED, they are DONE, and do not have to worry about it anymore! I don't know if my niece will even get her act together to apply ED or not. Right now it's the kind of thing where she would refuse to attend community college or the local state college, so it would be better if she could be admitted, or have a wake up call to improve her application! It is so not my thing, I am telling my kids "it's fine with me if you start at community college, especially if you don't get good grades in high school." That is not my sister's choice, though, or at least she thinks my niece will stick to this "my way or the highway" attitude. Different kids, different families, in a huge way! Not at all how we would be handling things. My little kids got their first covid vaccine at the local CC and I took classes there one summer -- I talked it up to them as a good option 🙂 And have talked it up to my older son, as well. It is the kind of thing where some people mock going there, but my husband and I are going to push back against that attitude so hard, lol. Edit: it's at the point where raising her grades this semester could raise her GPA, or on the other hand, all they care is that she graduates from high school, and she can have a fresh start in college. She struggled her freshman year and then got into "I have already ruined everything" mode -- it is harder for her to find motivation. Anyway -- hopefully college is a fresh start for her, and she cares a lot more about it than she has cared about high school to date. But personally my kids are not going to get a message that they get to go where they want regardless of their high school performance. My niece has already -- well, she has a lot of wants, but she has also "downgraded" to a school where she has got a good chance at admittance. Anyway -- this is the reason she is applying ED. It's chancy she gets in at her first choice, even though it has a high admission level, and so far she shows no motivation to study for SAT/ACT or get decent grades. She takes after my sister (not her mom) who also had a lot of motivation issues in high school but flourished in college, so we all hope for that to happen.
  6. If you were a classroom teacher for grade level math, you would probably make the tests easier (add in some easier questions and limit the challenging questions) and/or allow corrections or drop quizzes/tests where too many students failed. These are common things. Is your goal learning? If they are learning, they are learning. You can change how you grade, it is fine, it is up to you. It is fine to make mistakes as part of learning. It is fine to do a difficult curriculum. It is your choice if you see they are learning and making good progress. If it's not productive -- it's your choice to slow down, add in other work that will be easier (maybe cycle in review?), or switch curriculums. These are all fair choices you can make! I think overall if you like it and they do like it, keep it. If they are frustrated -- change or alter how you use it so maybe they have a higher level of success to hard (or too-hard) problems. It's okay to learn from a problem that is too hard -- it can still be learned from. Or -- it can just be too hard and too frustrating. It is up to you to see what you think. Either way is fine!
  7. How long has school been in session? If it’s the first two weeks I think this might, possibly blow over. If this is the most that is happening it’s different than being the tip of the iceberg. If it’s the most that is happening and he can accept a message of “we think this is acceptable” then I think — he will be okay, a little missed food is going to be okay. If it’s the tip of the iceberg then that is different. I think the advice you are getting is good, as long as this is the only thing and on the minor side. It’s not ideal but it’s also okay. It is hard to know when to be “firm and sympathetic but not overly sympathetic” and when to act. If you truly are okay with this lunch — I think it’s fine to focus on that. Kids this age do still follow your lead while also thinking for themselves. If it lasts or gets worse — that is different. Anyway — I do think you are getting very reasonable guidance. It is *totally fine* to say you are sad your kid is sad or you are having anxiety about your kid’s anxiety. I think it’s worthwhile to try to separate what is a problem, what is not a problem, and where anxiety fits in. Kids have anxiety without it being a disorder. It’s not something to minimize!!!!!!!!! It’s still a big deal. But sometimes as a parent you respond to try to minimize in a way, and that is a good thing to do when it is appropriate. There is not some magic where a child is not really having anxiety because it’s not a disorder. Anxiety can develop into an anxiety disorder. It’s a serious thing. It’s informative to say it’s not a disorder but it’s also — there’s no reason to minimize even when this is the case. Iow I think the response and seriousness can be the same as if there were a disorder, even if the response looks like — not doing much because that is the recommendation. That can be very important even while looking like “not much!” And it’s important for parents to seek support because it is hard for kids to have a hard time! It is hard to act on the advice you are getting, even while it is good advice!
  8. Also — IMO if this escalates it escalates to not wanting to go to school in the morning. This is absolutely something to bring up with school if it seems to head in this direction.
  9. I think also be proactive about if the outdoors is going to last into winter weather — might as well bring that up now if you are needing to bring this up with the school anyways. Honestly it’s happening at school, but lunch is a time of day that can get overlooked. I think it’s appropriate to bring it up with the school.
  10. This is just me — but if there are no penalties (taxes, PMI payment) for paying more than 20% — I think make sure the monthly payment is reasonable! Right now — mortgage rates are low. I think it is good to have a reasonable payment!!!!!!!!! But after paying 20% I think it’s okay to look at other bills and things that might he needed. But ideally if you look at what the payment would be for a 15-year mortgage — that would be possible, too. But when the interest rate is low, it’s a choice to pay the minimum and have a 30-year mortgage, or look at other bills with a higher interest rate or retirement savings etc. But I think with 20% down and the monthly payment is affordable and reasonable — to me that is safe. I think it doesn’t hurt to bring this up to the realtor and the mortgage broker. Maybe they will say “oh there’s this” that might be local. Or seeing if you know anyone who bought/sold recently lately who had something unexpected. Good luck — it’s exciting 🙂
  11. https://www.bankrate.com/calculators/mortgages/amortization-calculator.aspx I had meant to link this earlier. It’s an amortization calculator — will say the mortgage but not tax, insurance, HOA, whatever other payment there might be.
  12. For example — I put in $100,000 down on this, and i put down a 2.875% interest rate, 30year loan. It says the mortgage payment would be about $1,350. Then you would add your tax, insurance, and HOA if there is HOA. I think it’s better to err on the side of caution and keeping a little more cash on hand in case it is needed. Especially when you are going to put down more than 20%. If that payment looks high — that is when I think it makes sense to pay more to lower the monthly payment. We don’t have tax considerations though basically just because we don’t have anything costing $$$!
  13. I would look at 20% of $450,000 and say that’s $85,000. I would not go under that. Then we have paid off a vehicle that had a higher interest rate, and we have reserved money for things like furniture and needed projects. You can go on bankrate.com and look at what your payment will be at different numbers for the down payment. We moved a year ago and we still are figuring out what projects to do now and what projects to put off, and some things we didn’t know about when we moved in (we knew but didn’t know one thing would cost what it did, for example).
  14. I feel like at this age — a parent sets a minimum (that is appropriate for the child) and then the child can get into making a lot of choices. Where choices are between things that are truly acceptable. I think as a parent you decide what you think is acceptable and then from there you can let it be a choice. I think you are the one who needs to think that doing one thing or another is okay for math. If you think you do have a perspective that he should do the choice you consider better, and the alternative is not acceptable, I think that is fine. If you think it’s not preferred but is acceptable — I think it’s acceptable. I think there is so much room for a child to try one thing or another and then realize it is working, or realize it’s not. And then you can see that, too. If you try one and realize it’s a lower quality or not engaging, you can change from that, too. I think too sometimes kids don’t realize they want a higher level until they try a lower level and do find it boring or not engaging. I have seen that with my son. He also has to see things for himself and make his own choices to be engaged, it can’t just be what I tell him.
  15. What I would say is -- how old is the child? My oldest son was very interested in carpentry. Basically -- he got older. He worked more (vs doing what he wanted as more of a hobby). He worked outdoors and felt hot. He learned more about wages and more about jobs -- running a small business type of things. Anyway -- he plans to go to college now and wants to have woodworking as a hobby. This is a better fit for him as he has gotten older. I know this is not what happens with everyone, but I am sharing, because my son was very interested and wasn't interested in academics as much -- that changed as he got older and more interested in academics.
  16. Lecka

    My BABY!

  17. I would pass on the butterscotch.
  18. My kids got it, ages 12, 12, and 16. My daughter felt a little bad, but definitely for less than 2 days (I remember being worried it was more than 1 day, but then major improvement the 2nd day and she was fine before 48 hours passed). That was the worst out of my 3 kids. One other kid had zero side effects whatsoever. One felt bad the next day but it was not as bad as my daughter, I think it was just one afternoon he felt tired more than that he actually felt sick.
  19. My son’s activity at school # 1 had a great group of kids and was very well-run. He did the same activity at school # 2 and — for some reasons that may have had a lot to do with Covid restrictions and concerns — it was overall a dysfunctional, poorly run group. A lot of kids had mental health problems and were really not doing well. This activity was very restricted for the first 6 months of the school year and had to do pods, etc. The outdoor activities did not have to deal with this kind of thing, here. We really wanted him to quit, and he did, after finding out his main friend was also quitting.
  20. I have a 12yo girl and she uses my phone to text. My older son’s friend group was fully into social media when he was 13. That was the first time we felt he would be left out. It has a lot to do with what other kids are doing and with what kids your kid hangs around. I think there really is a range. Edit: at this point my daughter’s use is less mature than my son’s when he was 13 (she is 12 now). At this rate she isn’t going to be un- (less-) supervised when she is 13. But a lot can change in a year. I have talked to my husband a lot about how we might not do “same thing/same age” on this — that is my husband’s strong preference in general, but he is seeing as well there is not the same level of maturity. For whatever reason some of my son’s friends tend to be mature for their age! Not seeing that with my daughter. Which is fine! Just means we may not do “same thing/same age.” Edit: my impression is my daughter is truly less mature with this than average, and my son truly in a more mature group than average. I think it does vary a lot. My son did also grow a lot from 12 to 13!
  21. My son started a new school in 10th grade and it took him a while, too. The covid restrictions last year made it much worse. He usually meets people by chatting or doing group work with classmates, but they were very strict with social distancing last year. They quit being so strict once teachers were vaccinated. It took time, but eventually he did find some kids to eat with at lunch. He also went from a medium-small school to a large school, and he was used to having the same kids in his classes throughout the day. For example -- a lot of kids moved between 8th and 9th grade (military-heavy school) and he didn't know any kids in his classes the first day, but there was one boy he had 4 classes with, and they made friends. He didn't have any repeat kids at the large school last year, and he doesn't this year, either. For my son an extra-curricular kind of class is his best bet. That is where he met kids the most last year, but even that was hard because they were in small pods. This year several of his classes are set up to have a lot of group work, or learning time where they are allowed to chat with students around them, and things like that. It is still hard for him that they have assigned seating with coronavirus (so they know who to quarantine) so he is still not meeting a variety of kids within his classes, as easily. I am looking on the bright side that this is going to help him have an easier time when he goes to college, even though I think so much was positive about the medium-small school. The academic opportunities are much greater at the large school, but it is impersonal in many ways. He has hit it off with teachers better than he has with students, at this point, and that was not at all how he was in 9th grade at the medium-small school. Right now he does go into teachers' classrooms during part of lunch on many days, but I think maybe he can meet more kids that way, too.
  22. I think it is risky to be in the stock market, but also risky to be out of the stock market. I have no problem with looking at paying extra on a fixed interest rate as providing a guaranteed return. It is *guaranteed.* The stock market could go up or could go down. It is riskier but has the opportunity for a higher reward. I think our situation is probably different, but I grew up with financial concerns and it is worth it to me to pay some extra to reduce debt. I think there is value in increasing the principal of our home. I don’t trust the stock market. But, I think it’s risky not to invest in the stock market, too. It’s hard to explain. I wonder if OP has got more money in the stock market than she is comfortable with. I don’t know why the employer chooses to provide compensation as a 75% match to retirement funds. But — that is the employer’s decision. I don’t know why you wouldn’t receive the match and then withdraw money at times. I don’t know what the math is — but if there is a 10% penalty but you are receiving a 75% match — you are still coming out ahead with withdrawing funds? I think talk to someone who is good at things like that. But it seems to me that just because the way to receive this compensation is to put a certain amount of money into the retirement plan, it doesn’t mean you have to leave all of it in a retirement fund, if it is not how you would choose to allocate the money if not for the match. I just mean — it is up to you to decide how much money to put into a retirement fund. Just because of the match and then a penalty, if it is still coming out ahead to withdraw money, why not do it? Especially if you are putting more into the retirement fund than you would otherwise? Really — you and your husband are in charge! It’s not taken out of your hands by this company policy!
  23. Really I think if you do not get shocked, horrified apologies, then this school is just run in a garbage way. I don’t know if there has been a chance to hear the response — I still have hope you get a good one. If this is how the administration is, the teachers could be different, but maybe some teachers try to change schools for a better administration. I am curious if you think there could be discrimination involved? I think it’s the elephant in the room a bit. Bc you were assured (iirc) this was an inclusive accepting school, but sometimes that is said but not everybody is on board with it. Edit: and on that, students, teachers, administration, etc, could all be different from each other. I don’t think even small schools are monoliths.
  24. I think adults do what they do, and kids do what they do. I think within a short amount of time, there will be clicking with kids. Or, there won’t be. I am sorry for this poor situation! But still have hope that teachers will do a better job than the administration has in trying to foster connection. Or that there will just be some like minds in the class. I also think there needs to be huge apologies and restitution made!
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