I sleep with a real, live puppy dog 😉

My son has close friends who vape. My daughter does not, but she says she sees a lot of other kids vaping. I do see people vaping, in parking lots and sitting in cars in parking lots. It does depend on the store.

It makes it hard for me to get a sense from “online with no context,” I can think of reasons I don’t happen to know people in various circumstances, or it could be my location. I do know a man in his 40s who is divorced and has become very bitter towards women. It’s really sad.

I can kind-if see how that would happen. It gives me a new perspective on anonymous sperm donation…. I just hadn’t thought of it quite that way before.

I didn’t read it, but within the past week there’s been an article in the New York Times with a headline about “it’s a polyamorous group of 20 people!” The Washington Post has had a headline about a “throuple” of 3 people having/raising a baby together. I know zero of anything like this in real life. I’m sure it’s true! It seems so sensational. I don’t really have a reason, personally, to take the tradwife article more seriously than the throuple article. It could be out there a lot more than I realize, or not!

I have seen this tradwife thing also as an online trend, but I have only seen it as an online trend. There are a lot of New York Times and Washington Post articles that I have never seen “in the wild.” I have also never seen several things that are apparently being put on Fox News, that I have never seen, that people will comment to me about as far as my age of kids and it being a problem, and it’s not present. You know what I do see that I also read about as a problem? Vaping!!!!!!!! There is so much vaping!!!!!!

No, I haven’t. My niece did just break up with her boyfriend because they had different ideas about the future, but it wasn’t like this. My nieces are the only young-20s people I know well. As far as mid-30s couples I know, I don’t see anything like this, either. As far as the adult children of people I know, they seem to be either totally single, or totally married or in a long-term relationship. My sister in her early 50s had a relationship with a man who turned out to be this way. She would have been in her late 40s. I will be honest, she has poor taste in men and there were warning signs. This man was horribly rude to my step-father and she didn’t see it as a red flag.

It might be worth role-playing the phone conversation. It might be worth writing out a template of things that might be said and what she could say. It might make her more nervous to do things like that, or it might be helpful. You can see how she responds. I think if it doesn’t go as well as possible, there’s a lot of room to talk to her about you know she didn’t do it on purpose and she has made amends. I think parent support is really important here, and so is a formal process. I think it’s really difficult and it helps to show there can be a process with steps to take, it’s not a mystery.

This is some self-reflection… I have little parenting experience with a child who beats herself up for making a mistake. If that is going on here, I have little to offer. I have seen times and had it happen myself, where it’s assumed kids are so embarrassed and maybe it’s also a very awkward situation as well, and so people move on or gloss over things, and honestly if the child is not aware of something going wrong and why, it’s a missed learning experience. I do think, if it’s clear something is missing that needs to be responded to, but the situation is not one to dwell on, then the issue that’s been identified can be addressed over time in the future, without tying it back to “remember when that thing happened.” It can be something that’s addressed by teaching or supervision. What I have the most personal experience with: is someone whose own personal logic says “this isn’t a big deal,” and continues to think that even when there is evidence showing other people think it’s a big deal. Then I think it can be appropriate to stay on it, in a way I would think would be harmful to someone “beating herself up.” I think it’s a reasonable goal to think, if as an adult somebody wants to make unconventional choices, they should at least understand how those choices might affect them. I am really saddened by the scenario: “I am going to make my unconventional choices and there’s nothing wrong with that…..” which I think is true…. Tied with “I don’t understand why I am experiencing certain consequences” that to me are clearly tied to certain unconventional choices or personality traits (the kind that could be changed if someone knew *why* they might want to change them, but why change them with no idea they are leading to unwanted personal challenges…). Because there’s a lot of this one in my family, I am seriously willing to be blunt and not blow things over. I still make mistakes where I realize I did not realize the big picture and then adjust later, like I didn’t realize my child’s thought process or I didn’t make sense of the information in a way I did later. But if there is a “I beat myself up, I was not emotionally supported” parent, and they have a child who is just not beating him/herself up at all, in fact the opposite, I think that’s particularly hard. I also think it’s particularly hard when parents aren’t aware of all the social norms and expectations themselves, and so they don’t provide feedback. Then I think it can be a Godsend if there is a teacher like Amanda VT who can talk to the child!!!!!!!! And/or if there is a plan the school thinks would be good to address things!!!!!! But with a flip side, if it’s not a good plan for the child, that’s not okay. But I am a “glass half filled” person on this, I think a lot of people who work in schools are good at things like this, and it’s not their own child, and various things. So I do hope you get good support from the school!

I am not saying to do a punishment, but I think a consequence or a formal apology process could be worth considering. If she has no idea why people are upset after explanation, or if she says things like “who cares since they are wrong” (like — she didn’t mean it that way, so they are wrong to take it that way), then I think a consequence would be worth doing. Like — “well, that is your opinion, but that’s not what we think as parents.” A natural consequence could be something like she has to have someone check her email for a while. It doesn’t have to be something big or “punishment”-like, it can be “we are taking this seriously as parents, it’s not just going away.” If she is horrified that she has messed up but she has no idea what she has done wrong, I think a formal apology process of some kind, like writing a letter or email, could help with spelling out “here’s what happened” and also help her feel like she has tried to make it right and can expect people to appreciate this. I think this could help a lot if she is going to feel anxious about going back to school and seeing everyone. Plus teach her how to apologize or make restitution as she is getting older. If she is horrified and totally gets it now that it has happened, or very quickly with the slightest explanation, that’s when I would try to not focus on it too much and move on, possibly sending a low-key email or possibly apologizing in some other way. Would it be better then if she waited and apologized when school was back, or would she be really anxious, etc. Whatever is easier on her. All the time kids mess up and didn’t do it on purpose and honestly didn’t know better. I think it’s a good opportunity to have a learning experience. I hope this school is not the way you fear, if it is that seems like a recipe for disaster. It might be. I hope things can go smoothly. Surely other kids do childish things, too! Hopefully it’s not something where there’s favoritism and labels. (Edit: I mean labels like “the bad kid”) This does sound really upsetting, but I hope things will work out as smoothly as possible! If people overreact or are mean to her, I hope you advocate for her! Or let her know you have her back, or build her up. But I hope people can treat it like a mistake to learn from and move on!

@prairiewindmomma Thank you for the heads up on cheaper options!!!!!!!

I have just placed another order for Tazo Wild Sweet Orange tea. It is not available locally. I have never tried reusing tea bags, but I think I should since I’m now ordering tea from the Internet. How many times? Do you squeeze out water? Do you leave them on a plate and use the next day?

Thank you, this is all good for me to think about!

Thank you, this is helpful. I definitely can talk more to people about what they want! Especially my parents and my husband. I think it’s just chance I have felt like I should bite my tongue, in other situations I would not. I have had… A parent who had an accident requiring surgery and a long recovery time, and who needed to take things “one day at a time” at the beginning, the full weight hit her when she got home from the hospital and skilled nursing, and she was sad then. It would not have been kind to grill people about her recovery and how long until she can do such-and-such. We did need to make realistic plans for her to have round-the-clock care and some changes to their house, but it would not have been kind to force all that on her immediately. A friend who was very intimidated by talking to a doctor, and also very intimidated about “navigating healthcare,” and she has honestly gotten a lot more confident! I do ask questions, but I do feel like I can worry her about things she wouldn’t worry about. I also feel like it’s better for me to be like “you handled that great.” A young adult child, who has been passive, and kind-of “I’ll sit back and not say anything, and then not feel invested.” I am involved, but it’s been good for him to go to appointments by himself, have his own relationship, make his own choices, etc, just so he is invested and he should be taking on this responsibility. I am totally unimpressed by their office system, they do not reliably make follow-up appointments as people leave, and then they don’t always call, either. It’s one of those things where there’s one front desk person for 10 other people. I think it’s better for him to go in by himself, but if there was some big problem I do think they could say “do you want your mom to come back.” But the scheduling issue is a lot for an 18yo. It’s the kind of thing where you could call and be on hold, too, it’s just one of the more difficult offices I have ever dealt with. But he likes the provider, they take our insurance, and it’s honestly cheaper than it would be if they had a better office.

I am following up to a post I made a few months ago. I went to the doctor with someone and felt conflicted about not asking questions, that I believe are pertinent, but did not think it was my place. I have been in a similar situation now with two other people….. I have definitely seen, I would say I see myself now as being 95% support, and 5% advocate. I personally would have a lot more questions, there are things that jump out at me that I would want to ask a question, but if I can see the person I’m with and they are content, it would definitely not be helpful. I also have more of a role than I thought in expressing confidence in the medical care, saying I think it seems good, etc. If I ask some of the questions I have in my mind, it would be really counter to that, in practice. I would still bring things up if I were really concerned, but it’s a much higher bar, than for me to ask a question for myself. It is still shocking to me, when there are questions that are so obvious to me, and the person I’m with does not notice “hey ask why it’s this way and not that way.” But if they don’t, it’s definitely just stirring things up, unless I really find it concerning.

Praying

For me, when I was transitioning to cooking more at home, it was a lot easier to start with junky foods I knew my kids would eat, and that helped me get into the routine of buying groceries and cooking and cleaning the kitchen. Once I had those things as a habit or at least something where I knew how long things would take and how hard (or easy) it would be, I did start to branch out. I always had a few things like oatmeal, eggs, and a goulash I knew how to make in a crock pot. But for everything outside of my comfort zone, it helped to have a lot of the kitchen stuff going and then transition to making different foods. Edit: shopping, having the kitchen be clean, and doing dishes were really hurdles to me, on top of wanting to know my kids would eat what I made. Adding on a vegetable or a main with a side option, so there were starting to be healthy things too, but not like “here it’s all healthy, deal with it,” was better for me also. Also adding things like apple slices with peanut butter, or a vegetable with ranch dressing, were fairly easy to add and likely to be low stakes.

I really rigidly didn’t want a large age gap among my kids, and I have practiced that. But now I am seeing a lot of things where things in my family that I “thought” were related to a large age gap, are more about family and interpersonal dynamics in a lot of ways. The age gap is a factor but I think it’s a lot less of a factor than I used to think, for my situation.

Honestly I was thinking of Moonstruck, too. I re-watched it recently with my sister. “We” both still liked it, but I would worry it might be corny, and I don’t think it’s as safe as some of the other choices. It was my most recent “girl’s night” movie, though. Before that we watched “Puss in Boots: The Last Wish” with my teenagers… it was our first totally adult movie together in a long time, and we both wanted to watch it again. We used to watch it together on VHS!!!!!! Edit — what I mean is, I don’t know if it would be a broadly popular movie. Some other suggestions I would also like and they do seem more broadly popular to me.

This is such a sad situation, I am really sorry for everyone involved. I really hope it will go as smoothly as possible. I’m glad they have your husband. He is coming across to me as a voice of reason who is not as close to the situation as the people who are living in it.

He is stuck in a situation where the dynamic does not do anything for him, right now. It sounds like he does work and he has a girlfriend. He has a Dad in California. Continuing what is going on right now doesn’t do him any favors. He’s going into an unknown situation, but I hope it can turn out to be a better situation than he’s in right now.

He is allowed to make his poor choices, and frankly nobody knows from information here if he could qualify for disability. It’s possible he could, but it also possible he could not.

They live in a rural area, he is probably much better off to go back to California. The status quo is not acceptable and it needs to change. I don’t think it’s doing a favor to the young man, and it’s totally unfair to the elderly women living there. I don’t “like” this situation, but pretending like there’s something they could do if they would just do it, I don’t think is realistic.

I would forward your email to the boss’s boss as well. I think this is worth forwarding to the school board or the superintendent. This is not safe.

I don’t know if this is a good idea, but maybe you can announce you won’t be organizing the large event, if you go that direction, and then someone else can pick up organizing it if they want to.