Someone bought a special car gun safe so they wouldn’t have to bring their conceal carry into our home. It’s not something I condone. Edit: Realistically people are either leaving their gun home sometimes or concealed carrying illegally. Because some places do not allow concealed carry. So either they are leaving their gun home sometimes or they are getting a car gun safe of some type or making some kind of other arrangement that is legal and safe. Edit: I have let someone come on our patio as a compromise which seems fine in good weather. Oh but wait! Technically we didn’t invite him inside. Because we knew he always carries and I think it’s disrespectful to me. This is an in-law for me and I don’t see why I should be disrespected in my own home.

I think it would be better to say, you might wish HE had been more open to working on the marriage. That’s different than wishing YOU had done some kind of intervention. I think there is a lot of likelihood of regret and sadness, but it’s just so limited what is reasonable to do to fix a problem. The problem is, it’s very hard to say “you told me x but I’m going to disagree with you about x” without undermining support and it detracts from thinking someone is a capable and mature person able to handle their lives even if there are mistakes and regrets. I am a spectator to people knowing all about their parents’ divorce and invited to weigh in on so many things. It is a mess. It is not worth it. Of course that’s really far from anything you might do, but it got ridiculous really fast with just the idea that there should be people who should weigh in and have a say. It is also (in practice) heavy on manipulation and very one-sided ways of looking at things and sharing information.

Another thing is, it is upsetting to you, and that’s fair, but your son shouldn’t have to manage your feelings right now. At the same time, besides concern for your son, you are directly impacted. You have had a relationship with your dil, and ten years of family memories and shared times. It’s not fair to act like it is nothing to you. But you can do that without making it your son’s problem. He doesn’t have to satisfy you that he has done his due diligence. You may know his personality and character well enough to think either he has probably behaved honorably, or that maybe he has not. But either way he doesn’t have to justify himself to you. But that is different from just being in shock when someone tells you news like this, it’s a lot to take in, and especially out of nowhere. My mother-in-law and father-in-law got a divorce about 18 months ago… they have got poor boundaries. I might be overreacting in a huge way, but I am so in favor of boundaries right now.

I think it’s really easy to cross a line from “support” to “second guessing.” The only way not to be a second-guesser, is to just actively minimize second guessing.

Well, you did suggest it. It doesn’t sound like you need to bring it up again. This sounds so sudden, I’m sorry. I had a rocky period in my marriage and chose not to share it with my parents, because if we did stay together I didn’t want them to think negatively about my husband. This was differently the right call for us!

I think you might look at books or videos or blogs if you need some additional information you aren’t getting in-person. Someone I know is doing watercolors with Patreon. I think it’s fair to think that some things will make more sense as you get more experience just by doing more projects over time?

I’m reading and it sounds like there are legitimate concerns about the parenting techniques. What can someone tell someone? First, it does not sound like this is a laziness issue or an issue of totally not being able to handle things. That sounds off the table. It could be extreme stress that is making it hard to respond in the moment in a consistent way. This could definitely be contributing. It is inherently stressful. But here is something I really think: I think someone’s heart has to be in it to be consistent. If they have a niggling voice saying “this isn’t the right way to handle it” they can’t be consistent. That is enemy of being consistent. I think this takes either seeing that something is effective, or information (etc) about why/how it’s a good idea or worth committing to for a certain amount of time to see if it will help. This is why if there is something that’s working at school, that can be something where — it has been effective! I think that there is a danger in giving advice that people follow without commitment, because it’s likely to be very hard to be consistent. But if someone asks for advice, or has a mentor or role model, or a therapist, or a school teacher or counselor, that they would give something a chance and be consistent long enough to see if it worked — that would have potential. I am assuming that she is aware she is not doing things the way the op would do them — and has some explanation for this. Not just — a failure to do it properly, but she thinks it’s the right thing to do. As a possibility, if there is something she wants to try to see if it works, I think it could be good to be supportive of that and then be able to say, there was an honest consistent attempt made, and see if it is very effective or not. Then if it’s not effective, sometimes that helps people move on without that doubt in their mind. Or, maybe it works, or maybe some parts of it work. This is a way people get buy-in by supporting someone’s own idea. This is an actual strategy lol. If the op has got that kind of buy in, trying anything consistently provides a data point for the future about something that was tried and how it went. However it would be good to know if there are things the school feels like — the child was worked with but it’s not going in a productive way.

Just thinking about this more, it sounds like it’s half-day public school program, maybe free because of an IEP. Then half-day aftercare. If so, I would be surprised if a child would be kicked out of the public school program. Aftercare — yes. There may be zero supports in aftercare. What do people do whose kids can’t attend aftercare? Do they pay for a babysitter? Do they have kids go to a different aftercare that may exist? Do they have insurance coverage that may pay for half-day at an autism center, or for more support at an aftercare. What are other kids doing? Are there are more options for autism because of insurance mandates for an autism diagnosis? This is the case in some states. If it’s “IEP support provided at a private location” I agree with a pp, the kid might need to go somewhere else. Documentation should be a positive. It should help for the future. A concern I would have — are they potentially going to want to have him go to “another program” but then parents feel like not enough supports were tried in the current situation. This might be something they can just ask. Also, they can look at the current IEP plan and see what it says. That would give a lot of information. I would take the “maybe the child has PDA” to mean — this child has behavior issues and nothing is working. The parent doesn’t know what to do. I think right now if somebody has got behavior issues and nothing is working, PDA is out there. That’s how I would take it if someone was saying “I think it’s PDA.” But that is different from getting an official diagnosis. But that is also different from telling someone “I feel like my child fits a PDA profile.” That’s a conversation starter for sure. I think there has to be a line between “people complain about permissive parenting” and “this child is getting identified as having greater issues than the other kids.” Is the parent really more permissive than all the other parents? I think maybe somebody “on the line” could go one way or another with permissive parenting, but I don’t think that’s how it goes in general with “permissive parenting like people do these days.” Like, is the parenting actually way worse than everybody else? Because if not, it’s probably not *primarily* a parenting issue. It is also a thing, oh, you take in documentation about issues and it helps to get an autism diagnosis. It is also a thing, to call repeatedly to ask to be on the cancellation list and say it’s a serious situation. And, to look at driving or doing telehealth, and looking farther afield for places to get on a waiting list. It can make a huge difference sometimes.

I am getting one of two vibes. One, the current IEP is really underpowered. It may not be for the appropriate qualifying condition. It may not have a behavior intervention plan. Like, what if he has an IEP for speech and sees a speech therapist once a week in a small group for 30 minutes. But, he needs way more than that in his IEP. This would be, I think, contact the IEP case manager. See about a behavior plan. They are good if they get kids what they need and their behavior improves. Two, they are documenting in order to do a change-of-placement. Or, to provide documentation for more support but not a change-of-placement. Hey, it’s late January, this is the time of year to document things for an IEP meeting later in the year but in time to get things in place for next school year.

It can require being in a program with that level of staffing, which is often going to mean being in an Early Intervention program. Or having insurance pay for an autism program of some kind. Maybe at an autism center or something. Edit: if it’s a waiting game for evals, I don’t know if she can get a provisional diagnosis or if she can try calling places and saying it’s an emergency.

I have kept my grandmother’s China cabinet and table, but the previous owner had a corner bookcase in one corner, and then a metal bookcase where my China cabinet is now. I thought it looked great and fit the space well.

I think it sounds like, the parent thinks the child has Pathological Demand Avoidance, and is doing (or trying to do) parenting approaches that are recommended for it. I think it’s pretty relevant to the discussion, I don’t know if that makes it too searchable, but if the parent thinks this is what’s going on, then basically it’s known as an autism profile that is supposed to respond well or poorly to certain parenting techniques. I will delete everything if it is too searchable, but I think it is too strange to have a conversation where only some people know it’s a conversation about PDA. I will also say, it’s nothing unusual for a child with autism or ADHD to not be a fit for “a program for children with autism or ADHd.” Because — they are so broad, and a program could be wonderful for some kids but not a fit for every kid. That is just normal and expected. Especially if they are thinking a child needs a higher level of support than they are set up for. Or if it’s just not a fit because another type of program would be better. It’s not as straightforward as just “child kicked out because of behavior issues.” I also think, do you have a sense if people at the current program are saying anything to her about her parenting? Because if they have the child all day and they are consistent, I think that many kids would be influenced by that. Or they could be more like — hey, what we have to offer isn’t working, maybe there’s more to this situation. Honestly I think a lot of kids in daycare benefit from the daycare expectations/consistency and then take that good behavior home with them. But a child who has always (it sounds like) been in daycare, then what’s going on? Wouldn’t they be a kid who knows how to act at daycare but then gets away with everything at home? I know not 100% and of course I think parenting matters. I just think it’s something to consider. I think it’s different if daycare is saying “we know some strategies we see work, could you try them at home,” and the parent doesn’t like that.

I don’t think there is too much a parent can do about how their child acts at daycare. If it’s a bad fit maybe they can find another program. Have they tried Early Intervention? I would hope there wouldn’t be a huge waiting list for that. For other waiting lists, maybe it’s possible to look for a city that does Zoom appointments. Let’s say they get a diagnosis — does that mean the child will then function at this daycare? Does it mean they will get greater accommodation at a private daycare program? Maybe yes, maybe no. The truth is there’s no way to know if op is right or wrong about if this is a parenting issue or not, or to what extent it is a parenting issue. Can op get the parent to totally change their parenting dynamic? It’s unlikely. Especially if the parent thinks the child has demand avoidance — then that’s not even necessarily what would be recommended. And let’s say the parent is right and that is the situation — what then, does that mean they are doing what is recommended? Honestly my hope would be for early intervention and getting a spot in an early intervention program. Maybe they will have an after-care option. Sadly — it’s good documentation if a child gets kicked out of a program. I would say, try to document what is going on. Even if just for personal records, it can help to know just what is going on. There may be things that are left out. For the op, I would also say, kids on the spectrum are so different. There is a lot of judgment among spectrum parents. Because — kids are that different!!!!! It is hard to have one label and then such different presentations. Then I think, I don’t know if there is a way to prevent this kid from getting kicked out of daycare. I don't know if that’s possible. It’s just a fact that sometimes kids get kicked out of daycare. I hope not, but I think it might be time to start thinking about “what if that happens” if there may not be a way to prevent it from happening. It does sound like it would be a huge crisis, but you’re describing a situation where it sounds like it’s totally on the table and maybe a warning is being given to start figuring it out. Not sure if you have had kids in outside settings but I have seen quite a few times, a “time to work on it” is given because it’s too cold to just say “it’s not working and it’s not going to work,” but actually that’s already what people think and it’s basically already decided. I’m just putting that out there, because if this is a polite warning, maybe there’s not much point to trying to salvage the situation. Also maybe that’s not the case at all — I’m just saying I’ve seen it.

Ironically, I was at my mom’s today. Her oven is pristine as always. Her countertop toaster oven/air fryer was not! I don’t think it’s bad or anything, but her oven is just clean. But she uses the countertop toaster oven almost all the time to cook for just two people.

I would talk to the front desk at the hotel, in addition. They often are really on top of things like this.

I think what is being cooked makes a huge difference. My mom cooks almost no meat in the oven, and she uses her oven for things like baked potatoes and cornbread. I have never seen her oven get dirty. My oven does get dirty here and there. Because of the climate, a lot of foods are cooked on an outdoor grill. She just would not cook some things in the oven, or only extremely rarely.

If there is enough partially-burned stuff on the bottom, it can smoke enough to set off a fire alarm, give food an off (smoky) taste, and make the kitchen smell. But it does also just burn off! I have never fully cleaned my oven but I will wipe burned stuff out of the bottom, if I remember. Edit: it’s a non-issue for me, I am good about cooking things over a pan if they might boil over. My kids drop stuff, though. But they are better about it lately. They drop pizza toppings from frozen pizzas, a piece of sausage or pepporoni or pieces of cheese smell pretty bad. Edit: in my childhood home there was never burned stuff like this on the bottom of the oven, ever. I have made huge messes when I was younger and didn’t know what kind of things might boil over in the oven, and my kids have dropped a ton of things. Edit: also there was never any pee around the toilet in my childhood home, ever.

I believe we were 29 and 26.

No. My son did ABA therapy and there is nothing like this. In fact, you are explicitly not supposed to touch children on the face or head. Realistically, how 100% calm are people when they decide to push on a child’s head. It’s just — the kind of thing that could escalate so easily on that side. On the child’s side, how would this not escalate. Like, how do you gently hold a child’s head down. It just does not make any sense. They should do actual behavioral interventions and actively avoiding escalation is so important.

Is his point to show “I’ve got spies”? Or is his point “I caught you not going to church”? Just a rhetorical question. If his point is to show he has spies — I would leave a church where it might be the priest. That just doesn’t seem like a good situation, to be wondering like that. I think that’s not fair, but since this is so upsetting to your children, it’s hard to choose not to care.

Wow, I am so sorry this happened! The only thing I think is — your ex-husband will not think that anything he is doing is causing a problem. It will just be your fault. I have seen people sabotage others this way, and it’s never that they have responsibility for the sabotage, or the outcome of the sabotage. It’s always “I always knew….” And confirms whatever bad thing they think about someone. It is totally irrational and it’s so sad to see. I also think, whoever “the spy” is is at some fault. But it’s a distractions from the person with the main fault, the ex-husband. He might even be sabotaging your older son directly. I have no idea what to do about it or what steps to take. I think there are many pros to this move, and this is a con, and trying to focus on the pros and minimize the cons is always a good thing to do. As far as why, I think it’s just not being willing to take responsibility for his own actions. Why against his own child that he wants to have a strong religious background….. I think just from thinking “we don’t have a good relationship, why not, it can’t be my fault, it must be his fault.” Or else — it must all be mom’s fault. And also people can think, “they won’t be able to manage without me.” If people are managing, why not throw in a monkey wrench, to get to see how they can’t manage. I hope your ex-husband will realize he doesn’t want to act in these ways, but right now he is acting in these ways. It’s not anything you guys are doing to cause it, and it’s not really a mystery that he is not living up to his values right now. I talked to someone recently, whose ex-husband always complained about church when they were married. They attended her childhood church, when he would go. Then after they got a divorce, one year later, he started attending the same church with his new wife, and acting really into-it and involved. She changed churches, and it was her childhood church! I thought that was so low. She is remarried and has found a great church now that is really a good fit for them. But still — what a low thing to do. It’s not a small town, there are many other churches and even other churches in the same denomination. Edit: also, this is really controlling behavior. So controlling. He’s going to reach out and poison something just because he can and that’s how he can have some control. I think, at least.

I think it’s fair for them to share an opinion, but it does not mean you have to do it. You could ask “why do you recommend that” the next time you see them. Also, maybe in 1-2 years it will turn out it does seem like a good idea, it could happen. I definitely think you have the big picture of what is going on, plus the reality of changing things or adding new things. There is a lot of detail and I think people often understand that. For context — a lot of kids have been in speech therapy for years and then as they get older talk turns to discontinuing speech even though there are still speech goals, and looking at life skills. Or, changing goals to be more of life skills. Not exactly life skills, but — just a different focus. It’s appropriate a lot of times, but it’s not always, and I think you could be getting caught up in that. I think rapport with a therapist is huge and important, if that is something he has with a speech therapist. I also think, to some extent with older kids, maybe they still need a therapy but have somewhat plateaued, and it’s taking up time and maybe there are other goals to work on. This is very related to the other thing I said, but a little different. The thing is, a lot of kids are in different situations and are not plateauing, but a lot of people will just assume that maybe kids have plateaued. If it’s more like “ugh I don’t want to deal with figuring this out” — I think just give it time, there’s no rush. Think about it for a while. It’s not urgent. In the scheme of things this is not a crisis.

My Mom did this until this summer. She got a smart phone over the summer. Tons of older people do not have smart phones.

I will just update — my sore throat has gone away, it looks like this was about a 48-hour illness for me. But I’m going to need to rest for at least a day. My other symptoms were stomach pain and a headache, and a little coughing.

In good news, no one at my mom’s skilled nursing seems very sick! They have signs on some doors saying they have a “droplet exposure protocol” and staff wear face masks (etc — face shields, they separate their laundry too) with them. But I still see the people in the rooms here and there, and they do not look sick. It’s a long story, but my mom can walk and loves to walk, but right now she can only walk if someone is with her with a gait belt. So I walk up and down all the halls with her!!!!!