I totally agree! I do think you would be the same person if you did call and ask for the prescription and referral. I don’t think it would change who you are.

I am remembering it after not having read it in many years, but I read an “autism dad memoir” called “Bad Animals,” and (spoiler alert) The Dad realizes around the time his son is 10, that he probably also has autism! But in my memory it was done in a sweet and tender way, like it becomes a way he is close to his son and they have something in common. Edit: by Joel Yanofsky

It would not be your fault, either, if your daughter inherited it from you. I think that is an emotion many people feel, but I don’t think that is someone’s “fault.” I am sure your daughter would never pick anyone else to be her mother!

I think this is a great idea. I would also say, just quit looking at a lot of Internet sources. I switch to books/Kindle sometimes because it’s “not” online, and often they are going to be more parent-friendly and they are much more likely to: weight how important information is, so there’s not going to be 50 pages about something that is really a tangent. I think it can really be a good way to recalibrate sometimes. Even if I read some book that’s about how medication is bad, or some alternative treatment is the best thing ever, it can still be laid out better than it would be on the Internet. I also think special needs parenting memoirs can be wonderful. Even if it’s not the same issue, often there are similarities for parents who are having to adjust to new circumstances. I think it can be easier sometimes to see that they are being way too hard on themselves! Also they may talk about burn out, which is an important topic, and worth it to try to avoid burn out. Also celebrating wins!!!!!!!!!! A lot of other parenting accounts are like “oh, we had this setback, but don’t worry, it wasn’t bad at all, and my daughter still went to Harvard and the Olympics!”

I prefer to write a note. Then the doctor might be able to say something to me in a vague way. There are times I see something in a book or something, and I have to decide “hey, this is a real side issue, this is not pertinent to this appointment, this might even be a bit of a distraction.” Because this is my personality — I review any note I write with that in mind. Edit: the number one priority is for my child to receive the best care possible, and for my child to feel confident in the care. Am I contributing to that, or am I taking away from that? Sometimes I have thoughts that are more in the “curiousity” category that are not furthering my child’s treatment. With my kids being older — I will wonder about things and honestly they could only be a distraction to my kids or lead them to wonder “why is mom wondering about that.” There are other venues, though, like WTM forums, a parent support group, etc. These are appropriate places to take doubts or non-pertinent questions.

I don’t think lines were crossed, or that it was too much. Are you sure you’re fine with feeling uncomfortable? These are some thoughts that have helped me in the past: 1) Where did my opinions about medications come from? Could it be there was a bias at play? Could it be it’s part of overall beliefs that could have an exception for special circumstances? Could it be you were younger and didn’t know about all the complexity in the world, and thought there would be easy answers? 2) It hurt me for a long time to think/know “there are people out there who totally disapprove of my parenting decisions, and in fact think they are harmful.” This just hurt my feelings and made me lack confidence in myself. This is just something I did come to term with over time. Parenting support groups help. Maybe you could take a NAMI class. This helped me see ways that (for me it was particularly the Internet) there could be a lack of nuance, and sweeping conclusions. And a lot of time the Internet is serving an important purpose to people, and that purpose is not “telling parents they are messing up their kids.” It’s for those people to feel understood. But they are not “my adult child.” 3). I think you are re-inventing the wheel way too often. I think you should consider deciding something like: in the absence of major, medically actionable new information, we will follow the psychiatrist’s advice for the next 3 years, or until through puberty, and accept the psychiatrist is a medical professional who has our daughter’s best interests at heart, and who is following mainstream medical guidance the best way that is known in the year 2024. Then when something shakes you — you might feel hurt or have some doubts, but be able to evaluate: is this major, medically actionable new information. If the answer is no, this is a “something to think about and have feelings about, and something to discuss, maybe on the WTM boards.” It’s not a reason to change the decision to follow the psychiatrist’s care, and that can just not be on the table. 4). I do feel like I have had similar thoughts and I don’t think it’s realistic to say “snap your fingers and get over it.” However I have also had to change my ways to stop modeling some anxious behavior to my children. I have gotten that feedback and it was new information to me, and I have endeavored to follow that advice. I also agree with other posters who are saying things like…. Kids can tell when parents have doubts, and it does make kids doubt things. It is not lying to change some parenting boundaries around “what is for adults to think about, what is for kids to think about.” It can just be changing things around so kids can feel like they don’t have to worry. What I did was similar to “space treatment for anxiety” but I don’t think they were specifically doing that program. They were more giving me advice. But it wasn’t really optional advice, it was like “you really need to do this.” By how they talked to me they expressed their concerns and opinions in a way that I could take in the information. Did I like it? No. I did not. It sucks. This was not the kind of parenting I ever intended to do, and it took away my freedom to do things however I wanted or however I felt like. But it’s a good thing to do. As far as talking to the doctor in front of your child…. This surprised me, it was unexpected to me. Is it a new idea to you, that this is considered inappropriate for her age? I have had things like this, where it’s like — “how come everybody else knows this, but I don’t know it?” Or maybe I am aware, but I haven’t seen the point. Frankly I have accepted I’m somebody who should probably listen to advice from people who show themselves to be well-meaning and with professional knowledge and/or experience, that I am not able to have on my own.

Just responding to this — I think anyone would want to limit some discussions to the time that the child is not present. I don’t know if you might be better with a different person because I personally do have “kill the messenger” feelings where I can hold it against someone that they told me bad news, even if it’s not rational. I think there can be times it’s good to do a fresh start for reasons like this. But if it seems like a good idea, I think you have got a lot of history with this person, and this benefits your daughter. I think it is uncomfortable and awkward that she spoke to you after the appointment… but I don’t think she was wrong to do it. I think it would be worth trying to move past this and maybe it will even make your patient-doctor relationship better over time. But I also think it’s worth considering changing. I think there is also value to what she said to you after the appointment. She was willing to have an awkward and uncomfortable conversation with you, and that’s nothing to shake a stick at. I think it does show she wants to provide good care to your daughter. I definitely think you could get through the awkward part, I don’t think this is necessarily a burned bridge. Edit: I think it could be the right choice to change, too. But it would be changing because “you” would benefit from a fresh start with someone. I don’t think you are going to get someone who is okay with discussing things in front of your child or trying to include your child in a way that is not going to be considered age-appropriate. But I think sometimes a fresh start is what is called for! I think sometimes the person is too associated with things I just didn’t want to hear.

The fact is you are in a situation where you and your husband are making adult decisions on behalf of your daughter. It’s abdicating your role to include her, because it’s not her role. Your role is more to present things in a way that your child will feel safe, confident, and secure. That’s just how parenting can be sometimes.

I can see why you felt uncomfortable and I think it is worth considering changing to a different psychiatrist. On a totally different note, not related to your concerns, or what was said to you after the appointment. You are an adult and your child is a child. You make the medical decisions for your child. I think it’s good to gather information from your child, but to discuss treatment in this way in front of her. She is too young. I agree it’s a concern to discuss reducing the medication in front of her. This is just not appropriate for her age. You and your husband have got to do it!!!!!! I understand your desire and I think it’s coming from the right place. I just think it’s not realistic with your daughter’s young age. She is just too young. She is still a child here and medical treatment decisions are for a parent to make. As kids are teens it becomes appropriate to make this transition. But that is years away for her.

I just want to say I acknowledge this. I think keep in mind though, people are coming from different places, someone saying a medication is more minor than others, I don’t equate to saying “it’s not a big deal.” I would also say there’s a context here that people can remember your previous posts. If you posted about a different situation, I don’t think you would get the same response. At the same time, I acknowledge what you say here. This is a major decision to make on behalf of a young child, and a major responsibility. It’s possible it will have negative consequences in the future, with the possibility of making her need SSRIs in the future, or criticizing your decision making. I’m sorry you’re in the situation of needing to look at the pros and cons of this choice.

I am going to add something that was a factor for me…. There are places on the Internet that are very unhealthy for me. There are ways that I have gotten real-life experience over the years, because the issue was something where I could meet other parents. The Internet does not reflect real life, sometimes. The Internet has certain places where certain views are expressed with no nuance whatsoever, it’s just not what it’s about. I did want to find out “what happens to kids when they grow up” kind of stuff, and there are people on the Internet willing to fill this role. But I don’t think these Internet things are 100% good for this purpose, I think there are drawbacks, and ways they are not answering the questions in a full or unbiased way. Anyway, I think it can be a way to gather some information, but if it’s negative to keep looking at it, it was good for me to quit looking at some Internet stuff. I still know the information and I still value viewpoints I learned about. But I don’t have to go and bathe myself in those views.

I think it’s also a raw deal that she has some struggles, and that she is in a situation to take medication. That is a raw deal, and it’s definitely not your choice for her to be in this situation. I think it’s okay to not like that it’s the situation. I think with parenting, there are times we didn’t get to pick our cards, but we can make the best of the hand we are dealt. I think that is parenting with integrity and I think it can be a personal value in parenting. I think that can allow for both feeling like a hypocrite, and with not liking a situation. I think both those feelings can be present, and still there can be parenting with integrity. I think it is just a hard situation, and maybe not realistic to not feel these conflicted feelings, when things happen to bring them up.

I think it is such a grave responsibility to make decisions on behalf of a child, and really not know how they will feel about it later. I think the most important thing is she has two loving parents, and even if there is some sense of blame later, I think having a caring and strong relationship and that foundation, will be the real most important thing in the long-term. And with all the impossibility of knowing what the future will hold…. There are people upset their parents declined to treat them with medication, too. I think this makes it really come down to being able to say “it was a hard decision and we knew there might be drawbacks, but we did what we thought was best at the time,” and I think that is the best we can do. It definitely comes across like you’re taking this seriously and not being flippant or blowing things off — and I think that goes a long way.

Do you know what the rationale is for the preventative increases? I’m just asking hypothetically. It might be optional and fine if you don’t want that option. Other parents might hear the same information and think “I do want that option.” A lot of the time that is fine and to be expected, for different parents to have different opinions. Other times it’s like — oh, the bad outcome happens to the kid once, and then the parents get on board. I think sometimes it’s tempting fate. I have no idea if this is tempting fate, or a free choice that is equally acceptable on either side.

I would hope this person is just giving their honest medical opinion. (Edit: I see what you mean, and I think, maybe, but this would rub me the wrong way, I wouldn’t like it.) What I thought was — maybe some other care providers like to leave it open, but privately they think the same thing. But it might not be their role in the slightest. It might not be appropriate for them to say. They also might know you don’t like it and want to just focus on the present and not get distracted. (Edit: they also may not feel like they could make a prediction, or might think it’s possible it’s more of a stage.) I do not know enough about it to say — but it could be considered appropriate for one professional to say “in my professional opinion…. Long-term prognosis.” Then for other professionals it could be totally not in their lane to share an opinion, because it’s outside their profession. However — I also think if you’re not comfortable with *this psychiatrist* you could change! But if you don’t like the information, that is a little different. I think it would be worth thinking, if you think a different psychiatrist would say “your child’s really not that severe, your child really doesn’t fit into this presentation where it seems likely it will be long-term and need increases over time.” Because if you do think that? That is a reason to consider seeing someone else. But somebody who makes a flip comment, just does not count, without more depth and context.