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Jaybee

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About Jaybee

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    Hive Mind Worker Bee

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  1. Also, your boys may always have a preference for their current "favorite" parent. That's just the way it works sometimes with personalities and interests, etc. But deep and meaningful relationships can and should still be built with the other parent. As they grow, they will probably eventually go to one with certain things, and the other with other things.
  2. You and your dh each have your own strengths. Over time, your boys will figure that out more and more. And DS2 has really only been with you for such a short (and traumatic) time. Maybe you and your dh can brainstorm a little as to how to develop some special connection activities/rituals with the children who preferences are the other parent. I would think the main thing is to not give in to a default mentality, where you just let each parent mostly handle the one/s who seem to need you the most. In reality, they all need you both. Phone calls, cards and notes, eye contact, touch, showing interest in their activities and interests, etc. You could think of it as kind of like a courtship, only you are trying to win your sons' hearts. I think the answer to both your questions (middle paragraph) is the same--see above suggestions for both. It takes time, and there are seasons. And of course, under your circumstances, it is more challenging than usual.
  3. The parent our kids have favored has been rather mobile over the years; sometimes it's this one, other times it's that one. There are some affinities in personalities, but the favoring has still moved depending on the ages and circumstances. It seems to me that you keep on as you are. In the long run, you are both the parents of all three ds. Therefore, you both parent them all, and don't try too hard to change your parenting to suit their preferences by arranging for the same parent to always be available to the child who prefers him/her. Of course, you want them to all be as comfortable as possible, but you want to keep developing the relationships with the "weaker" ties, because they need to grow strong too.
  4. Here's a sample of ours with names changed. The next week is the opposite. I have the two charts saved on my computer and change the dates, printing them out about 6-8 weeks at a time. It doesn't cover everything you want done, but it's a lot easier to glance at and see what is there. Dh and I aren't on there, but we do have our specified chores as well. Sample chore chart.doc
  5. I'm sorry you did not get what you deserve, especially after what seemed so positive in your favor. However, I hope that now you can take some slow, deep breaths, and feel the tension starting to leave. You do have a place to live, with a sister who loves you, and beautiful daughters who have a relationship with you. And any PTSD feelings are certainly understandable. It's been a long haul. His wealth really will be a cold comfort to him as he ages.
  6. I'm with you! I don't care for heat too much anyway, and fall is my favorite season. Thankfully, it is supposed to start cooling a bit by next weekend, if I can wait that long.
  7. As to Scarlett's situation, I don't know. However, I have found it a bit ironic that on a board where we are always talking about boundaries, and the Boundaries book is often recommended, it doesn't seem to apply if it is one's child rather than someone else. I love my kids with all I am, but if I had one who was trying to manipulate me to do something I felt I couldn't (thankfully, that hasn't arisen thus far), I would have to put a boundary there, The speculations have been interesting, and sometimes entertaining, but I must not have read as carefully as others, because I keep seeing people insisting that Scarlett said things that I don't recall reading that she said. If this really had to do with her son's wedding, it seems as though things must have moved really quickly, and talking things through to a compromise might not could happen as quickly as the wedding did. Hugs to you, Scarlett. I hope you and your son are able to find a healthy, loving way forward, with mutual respect for each other and your points of view.
  8. My boys are on either side of yours. We still use a chore chart (no stickers or cute pics, of course, just business) on the fridge that lists each thing to be done. It's specific, alternates weeks, and it is clear what is expected. Add-ons for irregular chores can be written in or verbal. With just the two of you, you can put yourself on the chart, and alternate household chores with him. Not all the chores are equal, time-wise or effort-wise, so that is why we alternate. There is some flexibility about the timing of main housecleaning due to...life. I don't worry about their rooms, generally. One is neat, one is a slob. The one who is a slob occasionally gets instruction from dh or me, "You need to clean your room before you leave on the trip." As far as schoolwork, when our one ds started ps, I told him at the first, "This is your responsibility. I am not going to be asking you all the time if you are doing your work. If you need help, I will be glad to see what I can do, but you are the one responsible to stay on top of things." I do follow the parent portal to see how things are going or if something needs to be addressed, but managing his time is up to him. If his grades start dropping or he does badly on a test, that is when I try to find out what is going on, but I don't plan his study time for him. He has risen to the task. This approach may or may not work as well for you. As others have said, specific chores rather than timing for them seems to work better. Dishwashing should mean all the dishes, not just some of them. Or, "I'll do the pots and pans, you can do the plates, cups, and utensils." Or you can do a wash-your-own-dishes rule (as dirtied), plus 2-3 pots/pans. Call-backs are for a job sloppily done. Before the weekend, I ask about any specific plans. If they have a busy weekend, I remind them to make sure their chores are done before they leave. This system works pretty well for us, but they aren't really complainers about the chores, which helps a lot. I try to always give them a simple thank you when they have completed something that benefits the family, because everybody likes to be appreciated.
  9. I clicked because I thought you might be planning to build a monolith.
  10. There are moral lines that I would draw with my adult children that could damage the relationship. However, they know me and my morals, so it wouldn't/shouldn't come as any surprise to them. It isn't that I would want to do anything to damage our relationship because I love my kids with all I am. However, agreeing to certain situations could cause me to compromise myself on a level that I refuse to do. (Boundaries, you know.) I would lose self-respect, and I believe that deep down, they would lose respect for me as well, knowing that I really felt a certain act/situation was wrong. They might be trying to justify something they don't feel comfortable with doing (and want approval for), or they may truly disagree. But I can't let even my loved ones cause me to go against my core beliefs. It would hurt like something awful though.
  11. I'm so sorry you are having to make these kinds of decisions. I have wondered about this a bit--the "what would I do?" question. I like to have some preliminary scenarios in the back of my mind of things like this. I'm pretty large up top, and late 50s. I know I wouldn't do implants, because my system is pretty sensitive. I fear I would react badly to a foreign anything in my body, and would end up having to have it removed. As to the flap surgery--i'd have to talk a good bit to the surgeon to see what they say. I lean toward bilateral no reconstruction, but I'm not sure. Bilateral due to considerations mentioned above. I do not react well to stitches even, so having any more surgical intervention (reconstruction) than necessary doesn't sound appealing. It's such a personal decision about such a personal part of your body. Hugs to you, Jenny.
  12. Your second one reminds me of my birthday one year in high school when I asked for a filing cabinet. It was a full-sized one. Loved that thing! (Never asked my parents what they thought about that.) Favorite punctuation--it's a tie between ellipses and dashes...
  13. You've probably already heard more opinions on this than you want, lol. But I guess I'll throw in my 2-cents worth (I used hyphens!) as well. Most of my kids have been pretty responsible by that age, but I wouldn't have left them overnight, especially not for several nights. They would have gotten creeped out and even the introverts would have gotten lonely. I'm an introvert, and love time alone, but I get lonely after a day or so. Unless I am the one traveling, lol. But I'd sure love to see you get to go on this trip. You've had a rough year, and to celebrate both your recovery and your anniversary, and to have some time for just you and your dh, I think you should go and just not worry about sil and how they handle things, or whether they are a little inconvenienced or not. (And this is from one who has always had trouble leaving her kids with anybody. 😛 ) But really, they are family and they can survive a little finagling with the schedule. Ds might enjoy having some good cousin time, and if he doesn't, he'll appreciate you more when you get back home! So I vote that you go and enjoy the time relaxing with your dh, and let your son stay with the relatives. ETA: And since he is 14 and a nice kid, I'm sure, it is not like you are asking them to keep your three wild toddlers, ages 4 and under.
  14. The ONLY thing I have ever been able to control of any of this, is when I did too much, too soon, after childbirth, and I bled more and longer. So I when the amount increased after being less, I took the hint and slowed down.
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