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my ex, my son's father, died today


ktgrok
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My ex husband, my 19 year old's father, died today of heart failure at the age of 45. He has had cardiomyopathy since he was in his twenties..plus kidney disease. I recently posted about him, actually. I guess he went into the hospital to have a different port placed for a different type of dialysis but kept throwing clots and his heart gave out (details are not fully there yet). 

I have no idea how to help my son through this. He's my Aspie, and very matter of fact. He let me hug him when I told him, and didn't cry, and I told him I was sorry, that it sucked, and wasn't fair, and it was okay to be upset. Then I asked him if he wanted to be alone and he said yet. Later he came out and asked a few more questions. He is acting like normal, although obviously it isn't normal. 

His grandparents are surely devastated, I've only spoken with his aunt, who is also grieving obviously. She offered to take him down to the father's hometown, 3 hours away tomorrow as the family will be gathering, but I don't think DS will want to go. I don't think all that grief around him is what he will want or need. I THINK my more matter of fact, "this sucks, I'm so sorry," but not over the top reaction may be more use to him right now, but i don't know. I guess I'll leave it up to him, of course. 

Anyway, prayers for my son welcome. And the whole family. Also, I'm Catholic, ex DH was Buddhist, and my son is an agnostic, so really no religious rituals to offer him to help ?

Anyway, any advice is also welcome, on how to help a young adult through this. 

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Oh, I'm so sorry. I guess like grief for anyone, grief for us Aspies tends to cycle, so what you see now may not be how it is later. (Not to generalize, as we are finding out so much about how very individual autism is.) Anyway, being there for him and letting him be himself is prob most important now. ❤️

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Oh my gosh, Katie! I am so sorry! No words of wisdom; I would guess navigating an important death with an ASD son would be difficult. It’s hard to know what to do. 

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Katie, I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for the entire family. I am so sorry.

My only advice is to listen to Chris in VA - that's my experience, too. The reactions may come later or come in different forms, so don't worry about the "shoulds" and deal with your son's needs as they arise, whether on schedule or whether it's really recognizable as grief, or whether it looks like a new kind of difficulty in life. Which nobody on this planet is more equipped and ready to do than you. You've been his mother all this time. I know you will handle it well.

 

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I’m so sorry! I remember your recent post requesting prayers for him. Even though he’s your ex I imagine this is tough for you too. 

If you have hospice near you, they should have some resources and counseling if you think it would be helpful for your son. In my area it’s free but I’m not sure if it is free everywhere. 

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I am so sorry to hear this. My ASD kiddo likes to be with others when someone dies and likes to pay his respects, but he's an extrovert. He also had some experiences very early with older relatives dying, people gathering, funerals, etc. to set the stage for what to expect. 

I will pray for you all. 

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Oh, Katie, I am so sorry. This must be all kinds of difficult for you. 

Praying for your son, the rest of your ex's family, and for you as you also process any thoughts/feelings you may have, and try to help your son process his. I know for my son, just permission to grieve, like you've already given, and then let him kind of lead the way on if/when he wants to talk, etc. Make him aware of the  memorial service, family gathering, and let him decide and assure him whatever he chooses is fine. Then just be there. You know your boy, you'll be able to help him through this. 

((Hugs)) to you both, though. Or to you, for the both of you. 

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Katie I am sad for you and your family and especially your DS whose dad passed away.  I hope he did not suffer. I believe a period of Grief is normal and beneficial and hopefully your DS will cope with this in his own way. You can help your DS understand that what he feels about his father's death is normal.

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I am so sorry.  No real advice.  I, too, have a 19yo aspie, and I don't know how I would help him through if his father, my ex, were to die.  My best guess is that I would do much the same as you; touch base, give space, rinse and repeat.  If it's an option, trying to get an opening with a therapist well versed in both autism and grief.

:::hugs:::

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Oh gosh, that is awful. You will all be in my prayers.

(FWIW, when my family member died [whose child  is on the spectrum, around your son's age], the child wanted to be a part of everything involving the wake, funeral, meals, etc. He said it made it real for him).

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I'm so sorry.  He was so young. I seem to remember your posting about him and his health recently.  

 

I have no advice to give regarding Aspies and grieving....but I do know that the rituals of death that we go through can help, even if one does not believe.

So perhaps there is something from your ex-husband's Buddhist or your Catholic faith that may help.  Or perhaps your son will create his own grief ritual.   My kids got a lot

of comfort from planting a tree to honor my Dad after he died.  It's a fruit tree--and they used to eat fruit with grandpa.  

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Thank you all. I appreciate the prayers more than you know. It's just so very sad. I really don't have another word for it. His parents must be devastated, they adored him. It's just not fair. I keep reliving telling my DS, and it just feels so surreal. None of it feels real. 

About to go to bed and sure I will cry again, mostly for my son, who should not be going through this. It breaks my heart that his father won't be there when he gets married some day, or see grandchildren. 

And although it doesn't fix it, and it isn't the same, I'm also very grateful that I remarried, and that my son has my DH as a stepfather. That he will still have someone to at least partially fill that role in his life. 

But man. Like I said, my heart breaks for my boy. 

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