Postpartum & Grandma

[Familia]

After we had our first baby, my mom was only as helpful as sending a meal. I appreciated the space at the time, thinking my friends’ experiences (with moms staying at their home) was too intrusive. 
My DH was super helpful…up to a point. He knew a lot less about my needs than I did, and I didn’t know at all what I needed. In retrospect, we could’ve used more help (and loving care/wisdom) than we received. 
I’m also curious: if your mom helped a lot, what does the dad do? I can imagine that this runs the gamut, as some men are clueless about what needs to be done, cooking/etc, while some are quite involved in home/baby care.
Thanks for sharing your experiences!

Oh, although I want to isolate the poll for maternal grandmothers, feel free to share about other caregivers in your comments. 

Edited January 10 by Familia
Changed ‘no help’ to explain that it could have been a positive or negative reason.

[Eos]

I emphatically told my mom not to come here, not to give me advice.  What was I thinking?  So I voted No Help, but it was my own choosing.  Young-mom-me was a little out of it 🙂 

Adding: I expect to be my own daughters' white glove service post-partum doula, of course.

Edited January 10 by Eos

[Pawz4me]

Other -- Both my mom and MIL were very local to us. Both let us know they were available for anything/everything we needed. But we told them we were pretty sure we'd be fine, but we'd let them know if we needed anything. And we were fine. Even though I had an emergency c-section with oldest and a scheduled one with youngest neither delivery was a hugely big deal. DH and I are extremely well organized, he was able to take a few days off after each birth, and we had no need for extra help. I don't want to vote "no help at all" because that sounds like they weren't willing or able or were ineffective. We just didn't need any help.

Now where the grandmas were truly lifesavers was later on, when we were trying to juggle two littles and (for example) one was sick and needed lots of tending or doctor visits, and especially the times when all four of us were down with something. They stepped up like champs then and any other times we needed and asked for specific help.

[regentrude]

No help. My DH worked in a different town and came home for weekends. My parents were busy;  both were still working.

 

[Familia]

53 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

Other -- Both my mom and MIL were very local to us. Both let us know they were available for anything/everything we needed. But we told them we were pretty sure we'd be fine, but we'd let them know if we needed anything. And we were fine. Even though I had an emergency c-section with oldest and a scheduled one with youngest neither delivery was a hugely big deal. DH and I are extremely well organized, he was able to take a few days off after each birth, and we had no need for extra help. I don't want to vote "no help at all" because that sounds like they weren't willing or able or were ineffective. We just didn't need any help.

Now where the grandmas were truly lifesavers was later on, when we were trying to juggle two littles and (for example) one was sick and needed lots of tending or doctor visits, and especially the times when all four of us were down with something. They stepped up like champs then and any other times we needed and asked for specific help.

Thanks for feedback, will change that entry.
I love the no need for extra help. It’s so interesting to me how differently we all go into the same experience. Bringing one’s first child into the world is a huge transition & I can see how being organized is helpful. I was so loosey-goosey in life leading up to first baby, and I was 100% gobsmacked by the fact that flying by the seat of my pants (or at least my style of it) did not work well with family life. It was a steep learning curve.  Having more btdt stories or watching someone interact with baby would have helped me a lot.

[marbel]

So my mom was no help but it wasn't a negative thing. She was nearly 80 when my first child was born, and lived about 1000 miles away. She was also very reluctant to give advice because she knew things had changed since she had babies. She was my best cheerleader though! I actually don't remember how old my first was when she first met him. 

My MIL came from Florida to California to help us - she was excited because he was the first grandchild - but she was actually not helpful. I remember she gave the baby his first bath at home, because I was terrified to do it. Otherwise, she was not helpful, gave bad advice, made unhelpful commentary, etc. I don't remember her cooking though she probably did dishes.

The best time was after she left. My husband had generous paternity leave and we learned everything together. Despite my being 41 years old, I had almost no experience and little confidence in my abilities; my husband was the same. He and I were truly partners in our efforts. I was so thankful that we never had that thing going where the mom is the expert and the dad is just her helper. 

Edited January 10 by marbel

[sassenach]

I lived with my mom for the first kid and across the country for the rest. For the first, I was still living like a teen (I was 17) so it’s not like I was running a household. She helped with dd but not overly so. My dad used to love taking dd for the early morning shift, which looking back was sweeter than I appreciated. My second was in the hospital for a month and my mom came out when we brought him home. For the other kids, she came out when dh went back to work at 2-4 weeks. She was huge in the wrangling older kids department and laundry/cooking/cleaning. I was pretty independent with newborn care, even with the first.  My mom is super great at being a help without being overly intrusive. She was always easy to have around. 

[alisoncooks]

My mom and dad both drove up when I was in labor. Mom stayed a few days but had to go back to work. Dad stayed a week; did yard work and paid for lots of take-out. 

[Innisfree]

My mom was thrilled to finally have a grandchild. She and my father lived about an hour and a half from us, and the hospital was in between. We had no space for them to stay in our tiny house, but they were at the hospital the morning after our first child was born, visited a reasonable time, and went home. 

She was deeply impressed that Dh had arranged paternity leave: not really a thing when I was born. She didn’t want to get in the middle of our efforts to do things ourselves, and as I mentioned, we wouldn’t have had a place for her to stay. She and my father did come for regular day trips, I just can’t remember exactly how often, or exactly who did what. We talked regularly, and she was a loving, supportive, encouraging grandmother, always ready to help when asked.

[PaulainTx]

I asked my mom to come for our first birth, but she wouldn't because my dad was working and couldn't get the time off.  She wouldn't come without him.  We lived in another state at the time.  We managed fine, but it bothered me for a long time that she wouldn't come.  Later she said she regretted not coming and she was there  for the births of my other children.  She was a lot of help.  She took over all the housework and meal planning and all I had to do was rest and snuggle baby. 

I hope my girls will want me to come if and when they have babies.  We're living on different continents at the moment, but if they do, I'm going. 

[Carrie12345]

Nope.  
I was 20 and unmarried when I got pregnant, and my mom was very clear that it was my problem. She did attend showers and she did come for the birth (only for me to be told that only Dad OR Grandma could be present, but she had zero desire to be hands-on.

Ds and I did live with her for a few months when ds was a toddler. That was “help”, for sure, but strictly in the sense of having a roof over our heads. Then she put the house on the market and figured I’d figure something out.

Years later, she basically raised my niece and complained the whole time. Then my other sister and her kids lived with her for a while and she complained the whole time.

My sister and I are determined to be grandparents who do whatever our kids will let us do. Enthusiastically! Our mom’s parents were amazing grandparents and we were just talking about all the things they did with us and how loved we felt!

[MercyA]

I was an idiot and refused her help. Untreated OCD, lack of sleep, lack of experience. Wish I could do that over again!

[Faith-manor]

None. I went into labor the same day that her mother was admitted to the hospital for emergency open heart surgery. My grandmother died 3 days later. I think Dd was a month old before mom came to meet her. We lived out of state.

With my other three, my sister, a high schooler on dual enrollment came a bit here or there to help. My mom was working full time. 

My first grandson was born 5 weeks early while I was in Egypt with no way to get home quickly due to my remote location. A very very dear friend of mine, and dd's second mom drove to New York immediately and stayed with them for 1.5 weeks. With our 2nd grandson, I was not needed until he was 2 weeks old when son in law went back to work. With our third, I lived there for a month because he was born 6 weeks premature and spent 4 weeks in the NICU. I took care of my grandsons, ran the household, and homeschooled the oldest while dd and sil practically lived at the hospital.

[sweet2ndchance]

My mother and I had a rocky relationship before I got pregnant. She wasn't involved with my first at all other than buying a few gifts but it was all for show; to appear to be an involved grandma. Our relationship went further down hill when I had my second child. It was about that time that I cut my losses and put some distance between us for my mental health. It wasn't called such back then but I basically ended my toxic relationship with her and never looked back. I had many more babies, 7 total including a still birth, none of which she was involved with. I don't have any regrets about it.

I would love to be super involved with any of my future grandchildren but only if my child and their partner want my help. Otherwise I am content to watch from the sidelines if that is what they would prefer.

[Familia]

50 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

My sister and I are determined to be grandparents who do whatever our kids will let us do. Enthusiastically! Our mom’s parents were amazing grandparents and we were just talking about all the things they did with us and how loved we felt.

I feel this way, too, wanting to do all our kids will let us do.
Although it’s off topic, as OP, I’d love to hear what your grandparents did that made you feel so loved. I am guessing this is not postpartum, but while you were growing up. Since your mom didn’t carry on the awesome-grandparent tradition (were they her parents?), how do you think she saw them/their behavior? Was she appreciative? Thanks

[gardenmom5]

1dd was a c-section in the days when they kept you in the hospital for five days.  My mother had a nervous breakdown three weeks before she was born.  And was on heavy medication until her psychiatrist retired and she finally got a new one.  (my sister especially tried to get her to switch before that.)  she wasn't up to do much besides hold the baby when she came over. she did like buying gifts, or giving me money so I could buy what i needed.

mil ended up moving into our house a few weeks later . . .  she was one that takes over, (she lived with us for 10 months, until she left to go care for her brother with terminal cancer.).

I went to 2dd's (in another state) after 1dgs was born.  I was there for two weeks doing what I could to be helpful.  

[Ellie]

I didn't need any help, but I'm sure I would have appreciated it, anyway.

[Danae]

Lots of help, although I’m not really sure who did what.  My first baby was a few weeks early, and I’m a horrible procrastinator.  My parents and siblings drove in from 300 miles away and finished painting the nursery and did a bunch of other house projects. (We lived in a hundred year old Victorian that we were starting to fix up and restore, and then I got pregnant and priorities changed.)  

Mom was in the delivery room with DH and I.  If something had gone wrong the plan was that she would stay with me and DH would go with the baby. But we were both fine, so we all stayed together.  After I was cleaned up and everyone else got to meet the baby they all left for an hour or so so DH and I had time alone with the babe, and then they brought us breakfast.  

Siblings stayed for a few days, Mom and Dad for maybe a week?  And then they came back for a long weekend every few weeks.  
 

[Tap]

No help from any grandparents. I just stumbled along and took care of my babies. Didn’t need their help, but it would have been nice to feel supported. 

[kbutton]

My parents came from out of state and saved our bacon. Difficult kid, no actual leave policy for DH, post-partum depression (probably partly because no one acknowledging how difficult DS was from the get go), BF-ing difficulties (almost certain had bottom and top lip ties now that I know more), and not being as organized as I wanted to be because I literally slept every spare minute for nine months. I was so exhausted gestating that one—if I wasn’t at work, I was literally sleeping (I would fall asleep with my dinner plate on my lap while watching the news, wake up briefly to go to bed, and then get up for work. That’s it. Because we had moved into a new house when I was six weeks pregnant, we weren’t even all settled, though we did throw together a nursery last minute (because baby showers are given kind of late). 

Both my parents helped greatly with all the things. My dad even helped DH dig a garden, lol! My parents are both extremely competent with parenting tasks and not easily flustered.

[Jaybee]

I didn't vote because none exactly apply. With my first, we lived several states away, and my sister was due at the same time. When I had my baby ten days early, it put my mom in a quandary, but she knew I had a lot of experience with babies, and my sister did not. So I told her it was fine to wait to come, which it was. We lived in the apartment complex where dh worked at the time, so he was free to check in on me during the day. Our Sunday School class was always generous with meals for new moms, so food was taken care of, and that was an immense help. When my parents came ten days later, my mom helped as needed, but mostly I just wanted to show off my new baby. We lived in a 1-bedroom apartment, so there wasn't a ton of cleaning or laundry to do. It was nice to have them there (they slept on the sofa bed in the living room), and we had enjoyed our first days as a new little family, and were then ready to visit. My mom's philosophy was basically that the mom/parents need to bond with the baby, and her job was to help with anything else that needed doing, though she did enjoy holding baby too.

With my own grandchildren's births, I have basically done what they wanted me to do. I have told them that I will not be offended, because this is about them and what they need from me at the time. With one, I went for two weeks. With one, I waited for a couple of weeks. With a very precarious pregnancy and two preschoolers, I moved in for a couple of months to help with daily life and to ease anxiety (we lived too far away for me to just go over every day). So it has varied a lot. While there, I focused on cooking (and putting things in the freezer for later), cleaning, laundry, caring for older kids, and holding the baby so mom could get a nap. My kids and dil are all pretty straightforward about stating needs, so that helps.

[bolt.]

I picked "Sent a meal or ran errands" -- but in reality that was multiple meals and lots of errands.

It was also combined with just lots of company and social support. She (both my mom and my mil) didn't come over to do housework, but she did hang out with me and baby just to 'be there'. If I was doing housework, or if some task looked like it could be helpful, she would ask if she could help like any close-family visitor. If baby needed something, she would offer to do it, or not, my choice. If I had errands, she would go with us and lend the hands that needed lending... but she wasn't there 'as' a workhorse.

I guess she didn't do things *for* me, so much as we did things as a trio (me, her, and baby) which made them easier. I was the 'team lead' and she was 'there to help'.

Regarding Dad: Mom and mil generally visited when dad was away, so Dad's helping was roughly similar to my Mom's helping and mil's helping -- just "the additional adult that's present at the moment". If Dad and one of the women were both there, then there were three adults and one baby, which was even nicer.

Edited January 10 by bolt.

[Carrie12345]

2 hours ago, Familia said:

I feel this way, too, wanting to do all our kids will let us do.
Although it’s off topic, as OP, I’d love to hear what your grandparents did that made you feel so loved. I am guessing this is not postpartum, but while you were growing up. Since your mom didn’t carry on the awesome-grandparent tradition (were they her parents?), how do you think she saw them/their behavior? Was she appreciative? Thanks

I guess I just assume she was appreciative? She was pretty close to them their whole lives. We visited them (about an hour away) regularly as a family and had regular kid-only sleepovers. They got a summer trailer across from ours and made us and all our friends big breakfasts regularly, bought feed to take us to feed the farm animals at the campground, took us shopping, took us on vacation, took us to picnics their volunteer organizations had, played games (real and made up) with us. Grandpa had me drive his car pre-permit, lol. Grandma saved me all of her Readers Digests and tried to teach me to knit, lol.  
We all stayed with them for 2 or 3 months when our house was being expanded, and it was awesome.
They were amazing when I got pregnant, too. After my mom moved away, they even babysat my oldest two a few times and would meet up with us (eventually my oldest three) for park dates.

My oldest was 2 when my mom moved. At first, she’d visit twice or more a year, but it dwindled and then nearly stopped. After my grandmother’s final birthday in 2019, she swore off flying and has only driven to visit my stepbrother one state over from me. 😑

[frogger]

I had a lot of help with baby number 1 (laundry, meals, the works) and no help with babies 2-3, which seems a little backwards but it was just how life was at the time. People were busy. We moved away from our church family and parents were busy with their lives.

We had no sitter even for the 3rd child's birth so it was good we had a home birth. DH had a major catastrophe at work and  he had to work 24 hours a day for a couple days and yes was working by my bed remotely during labor. The older kids were in and out of the bedroom where I gave birth. 

 

After days of working all night long  DH fell asleep  when he was supposed to be watching kids the next day and was taking time off to "help". He fell asleep on the living room floor and I came out to get a drink only to find the older kids skipping around him holding raisen boxes and the raisens were not staying in the boxes but flying everywhere. It might have been nice to at least have a sitter for an afternoon after that birth. 

Edited January 10 by frogger

[Condessa]

My mom has come to help me for a few weeks with every baby.  (With #4, she had an important international trip for a sibling planned when ds was born 3 weeks early, and my grandma came to help for the first few weeks.  My mom came when she got back, so I had help for rather longer with #4 than the others—which was really great, as he was the most difficult baby to care for with health problems.)  She is wonderful, ready to jump in and do anything including baby care, but never trying to do the thing that some relatives do of “I’ll hold the baby so you can get things done around here”.  She cleans the house, gets the kids to their activities, helps with their homeschooling except in the most teacher-prep intensive subjects, generally shows the siblings a great time, leaves a Costco-sized stock of disposable dishes and my freezer stocked with read-to-go meals for when the dinners from the church ladies stop coming, and is always delighted to hold the baby at any time of the night or day while I take a shower or get some rest.  With baby #5, she also came before when I was placed on semi bed rest and took ds#4 to his medical appointments with written lists of questions from me, zoomed me in the doctors’ offices, and brought back detailed written answers to my questions.  
 

My dh has never been able to take off more than a week and a half at a birth before.  He does a ton when he is home, but I mostly want him with me when I am still in the hospital, and then not long after we come home he is having to be gone all day, so having my mom come is a wonderful help.  

Edited January 10 by Condessa

[Spryte]

I voted sent a meal and ran errands, but it was more like @bolt. described with my mom. She lived out of state, but would travel past us frequently and pop in on her way to wherever. She would run errands or order takeout, and just kind of do stuff with me — not for me. It was a huge help.

ILs and other parents were more hands off — they came for a formal type visit with a baby gift (both lived a couple hours away).

I feel like I need to say here, though, that later, when baby was a bit older, I ended up bedbound and very ill long-term. My mother and MIL traded off living with us for six weeks at a time, and they did everything. Everything. It was such a huge help, and I am still grateful for what they did.

[Anne]

With my first baby, I asked all the grandparents to give us a couple of weeks before they came.  They were relatively helpful when they came.

With my second baby, my mom came up for several weeks just before the birth since my dh was out of town then.   My mil came afterwards and stayed for SIX WEEKS - which I was really dubious about at first although I loved her and got along very well with her.  As it turned out, she was AMAZING.  She did a lot of housework, she kept my older from waking me up when I was trying to nap, she kept the baby quiet as long as possible during those naps - she was really fabulous and I was sorry to see her go.

With my own kids - one lives close and she got all the help I could give.  The other one lives far away and my dh and I went as soon as we were wanted and stayed about two weeks, which was what was wanted.  Their church is good about meal trains, so I will probably just work on filling the freezer when we are there.

Anne

 

[Forget-Me-Not]

My mom was helpful with all my babies.  She came and stayed a few days with us after my first was born.  When my 4th was born, we lived down the street from my parents.  Their kitchen was being remodeled, so my mom came and cooked dinner for all of us every night in my kitchen.  It was awesome.  My MIL was helpful too, mostly with the older kids.  In retrospect, I think she was really afraid of stepping on my toes and probably wanted to be invited in a little more but I just didn't realize it at the time. 

[QueenCat]

Baby one: My mom and dad came the day after we got home from the hospital. They helped with the household and baby. But we lived in an apartment then, so there wasn't much to do. They stayed 4-5 days. Dh worked graveyards so on his nights off, he did all of the feeding and diapers, and I got to sleep for 8-10 hours. 

Baby two: Mom came about a week later, dad couldn't. She helped with whatever. We were in a house by then, so more housekeeping. After she left, my grandmother paid for a housekeeper for me for every other week for approximately 18 months. Youngest ds had a variety of special needs and it was what she could do to help from afar. Dh was working normal hours by then but was always an active parent. When he didn't have to work the next day, he did night duty. 

[Corraleno]

I had zero help from anyone (including my then-DH), even after a C-section. DS was an extremely anxious, clingy, colicky baby who nursed pretty much around the clock and insisted on being held 24/7, so I got very very little sleep. My MIL lived 3 hours away and was a crazy alcoholic who recommended putting vodka in a baby bottle to make DS stop crying (because it worked so well for her 2 boys!), and my own family lived on another continent and we were estranged anyway. Also, we were living in an old, drafty, fixer-upper farmhouse in the middle of nowhere that I was slowly renovating myself. That was a pretty tough period of my life! 

If/when DD has kids, I will do anything and everything I can to make her life easier, and will provide whatever help she wants for as long as she wants it.

[Arcadia]

My in-laws invited themselves with us paying international airfares when we were horribly broke. They also behaved as tourists while here, expecting my husband to drive them to tourist areas like the Golden Gate Bridge, premium outlets.
My mom flew in on her own dime after they left and stayed 6 months at a time on the B visa. My dad and my brother flew in also on their own dime during school holidays since my dad was teaching and my brother was a student. My dad and my brother helped by running errands, throwing the trash (bringing the trash to the condo thrash room), doing the laundry, doing the dishes. My dad was the one doing the majority of the housework when my mom was alive. My husband does the majority of the housework too and he did most of the diaper changing when he was not at work.

[Laura Corin]

My mum turned up to see my firstborn at the hospital but didn't expect to stay - she lived a couple of hours away by train. I didn't ask and she didn't offer. My husband was out of work at the time though, so we parented together.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

When I had my children, I absolutely did not want anyone in my home. Short visits, sure, but nothing more. No one did anything like make meals or do laundry, and that suited me perfectly. I feel a bit antsy just pondering it.

I'm a brand new grandmother right now. My first grandbaby was born in December. I was VERY clear to my daughter that I would be as hands-on or hands-off as she wanted, and that she REALLY needed to always be honest with me. 

Well, I ended up at the birth, staying in hospital with her throughout some nights, and today she's asked me to come with her to a Dr appointment. 

So, I think it's important to note that what different people want/need can be vastly different, and relationships between different people/generations can be vastly different. 

For me and my daughter, I'm just glad we have strong enough communication that I feel confident that I'm helping to the extent she actually wants.

Also, her husband has 6 weeks leave, and is really fabulous, so that's a big factor too.

 

 

Edited January 10 by chocolate-chip chooky

[Kassia]

Baby one - no help and that was fine.  My in-laws showed up unannounced a few times to see him, which bugged me because I felt like I had to host.

Baby 2 and 3 (twins) - my parents came for about a week and that was actually a big help.  My dad would play with ds1 and my mom would bring me water and food while I was nursing (I was constantly nursing and still couldn't keep up my milk supply).  I remember her making me egg sandwiches and they were so good!  Again, in-laws would show up unannounced and I felt like I had to host.  The best was when it was my birthday and my twins were newborns - not even at their due date yet (they were one month premature) - and they decided to invite a bunch of people over.  I went upstairs to breastfeed and came down and everyone had already eaten my birthday cake!  They left me one slice with a candle in it.  It was ok since I didn't want all the attention anyway of people singing happy birthday to me, it was just the whole situation was so bizarre. 

Baby 4 - no help and we didn't need any.  In-laws had no interest anymore since my SIL's dd was born four years earlier and that was a relief.  🙂  

Edited January 10 by Kassia

[Carol in Cal.]

It never occurred to me to want my mom around then.

I’m glad she wasn’t.  

[KungFuPanda]

My mom was wonderful. She came for the birth and stayed the first week. She did our laundry, cooked our meals, and kept the house in order. All DH and I had to do was care for the baby and try to get some sleep. Mom did get a turn holding the baby during the day. It was hard when she left. (She lived 2 hours away.)

[EKS]

Because I had no clue, I told my mother that we didn't need her help.  Then ten days later I called begging for her help!

[Momto6inIN]

42 minutes ago, EKS said:

Because I had no clue, I told my mother that we didn't need her help.  Then ten days later I called begging for her help!

Me too, except in my case it only took about 5 days lol

DH took a week off work to spend with me and as soon as I realized that he was going back to work and I was going to be left entirely alone with this tiny human who I loved desperately but had no clue how to keep alive and I hadn't slept more than an hour at a time in a week, I called in reinforcements. Luckily she had a flexible job and could take off at a momen't notice. She stayed for a week til I felt a little more on top of things. She did laundry and cooked and cleaned and enjoyed looking at me holding her grandson and gave me adult conversation. She also cooked several meals and put them in the freezer for me to get out after she went home. She held DS of course and probably changed a diaper or two but she didn't really do "baby care" as her role. She did recognize the signs of postpartum overwhelm and sent me outside for a walk when I looked like I was almost ready to panic.

Each subsequent baby she did the same, adding in child care for older siblings to her job description. I was always very grateful, even though by baby #5 and 6 the older kids were old enough to help a lot more with laundry and cleaning and I didn't need her as much.

As for DH, we both regarded his role as doing whatever it took to make me able to mother. That first week when he was off work he heated up meals that people from church had dropped off and bonded with me and baby (and older sibs).

We are also very fortunate that our church family sends meals - usually there are enough people to send meals that I don't have to cook at all other than pulling things out of the freezer and warming them up for the first 6-8 weeks.

[Arcadia]

My current neighborhood mom’s group had someone who set up a volunteer meal train group for “new moms”. People opt in to volunteer and any mom can sign up. A few of the people in that volunteer group don’t mind helping to pick up the food from neighbors who like to cook but are housebound. I have no idea if the group is still active but it was a nice thing to have. 

[Bambam]

My mom was no help. She was 800 miles away and had absolutely no interest in helping with baby, and quite frankly, I would not have wanted her to come anyway. DH did stay home for the first week (maybe 2?) with each baby to help, but that was all the help I had, and really, it worked just fine. We had friends bring a meal when we had second child (they kept first one while I had second), which lasted for a couple of meals. That was lovely! 

My sister guilted her into coming to see the first baby maybe 6 weeks after she was born. I have a picture of my mom sitting about a foot away from baby on couch - which is about as close as she would get. My mom was not a baby person. There is another picture of my sister holding the baby. I do not think my mom ever would. That was just my mom, so it didn't really bother me. 

[almondbutterandjelly]

I voted no help.  She did buy some bottles to tide us over when we got out of the hospital, as I had been planning on nursing and that didn't happen, so we hadn't planned for that.  She was pretty busy with her own life.  I tried to call her for help a couple of times (when the baby threw up all over herself and other things, and I had to clean up and give the baby a bath and launder things all at the same time), but her answer was always no.  Then she would relent and come over, after I had already sucked it up and done what needed to be done.  She was great at rejection!

Dh was wonderful and helpful, though.  And we figured it out.

I hope my dd will let me and dh be her nannies when she has babies.  We shall see.

[Farrar]

I chose white glove because she really did do a LOT intensively for something like 2 weeks and then came back again for another week soon after.

95% of her help was amazing. She cooked. She cleaned. She supported. She held the babies. She was so good. And we had two, so there was plenty for dh to do. Plus, he had to return to work after just a few days of parental leave. I really needed someone. 

But also, she and I had a fight about a week after the babies were born and it was SO BAD. She was exhausted and tired. I was exhausted and tired. I was upset about things with the birth and she kept saying obliviously insensitive things about it of the "you don't have a right to your emotions, you have healthy babies" and "the doctor was a god, I don't care how you feel about him." Like, not quite that bad, but close. My midwife/doula was there for post-partum care and I totally broke down and told my mom to cut it out and that I had a right to be upset and mourn the birth I wish I'd had and feel violated and she was hurting me and making it worse. And she took it really hard. She stopped speaking to me for 24 hours. 

So when you say "intrusive"... well, yeah. There's that too. Sigh. 

[Lecka]

My mom was still working when my oldest son was born.  She came for a very nice visit when he was about 4 months old.  
 

When I was pregnant with my twins, I was having a difficult pregnancy, and she retired early (within the year she was always going to retire, she retired a few months earlier) to come help me while I was pregnant.  It was incredibly helpful.

 

Then she left about a week after they were born, she was ready to go home and we were ready for her to go.  Then since she was retired, she visited pretty often.

 

We are close and she is very close to my kids.  
 

Edit:  I always panted during the middle of my pregnancy, I did not have a medical problem, only they were pressing on me in a way to make it hard to drive.  My mom would always say “did you run to pick up the phone?” And I would say no.  But she was very concerned and I was having a hard time taking care of my older son who was then 3.  

Edited January 12 by Lecka

[Elizabeth86]

No help at all because I insisted. I see the grandma’s in my family almost trying to be mom to the babies and I said to myself NO WAY. My babies are mine and I’m doing it ALL for them. I’m proud to say I did everything for my babies. Dh was always there, but I feel awesome postpartum and didn’t really need any help.

[Clarita]

I didn't have a lot of issues postpartum, so the "no help from the grandparents" wasn't so bad. After my first DH and some friends of mine got me a post partum doula, it was super helpful to have someone to explain to me how to take care of a baby. We bought most of the big things for the babies but the grandparents came through with extraneous stuff like toys and clothes which was unexpectedly helpful.

My mom visited 2 weeks after the birth of DD. She had hoped to be there before to help me prepare the house and whatever. She's not good with babies nor does she like babies all that much, but she helped by doing household chores. I also had to chauffeur her around but that did give me something to do so it wasn't so bad. Pregnancies are really easy for me so I don't want to say "Well if I can do it then anyone can," because I don't believe that at all.   

[dirty ethel rackham]

My parents were local as was my FIL.  My mom helped me stock my freezer ahead of time with meals.  When ds30 was born, I had a really difficult birth and recovery.  I literally couldn't sit due to pain - like a knife up my rear end - only stand or lay down.  We treated my job as recover and feed the baby .  While dh was very attentive to my needs and did lots of baby care (he loves babies and would have wanted more!)  My mom came over daily and just helped with household tasks like laundry and cleaning.  Since my freezer full of food wasn't agreeing with me, she did some cooking to eliminate some of the offending foods and took home the frozen meals for her and my dad.  She let my husband and me do much of the baby care since I was breastfeeding and she didn't know anything about that.  She and dh took care of my needs so I could recover.  She was more than happy to hold the baby when I needed a shower or eat or nap (if the baby didn't need to eat as well.  When dh had to go back to work and I was still kind of a mess, she stayed over a couple nights and days to help me adjust to being by myself.  After the first couple of weeks, she just either came over a couple times a week for a visit or I went to see her.  We were very close back then.

My dad and FIL helped with some "guy" household tasks in the early days to let dh rest since he was helping me so much.  My dad showed love by fixing stuff around the house - not as a diss on dh, but more of that is how he showed love. And FIL did some of the same, but spend time with dh as he was adjusting to this new schedule/demand.  So there was my dad fixing stuff, while FIL picked up stuff from the hardware store, and they both doted on the baby.  

I am grateful that neither my parents nor FIL acted like guests who had priority time with the baby over us, nor did they go overboard with advice in that newborn period.  (My mom did have plenty of "advice" later on, which was troublesome - I finally had to set a boundary regarding our somewhat attachment parenting/gentle discipline style and homeschooling choice.)  

Thank you @Familia for posting this topic.  Answering this has reminded me of the good times I had with my parents and FIL.  I have been struggling emotionally lately and have been remembering lots of unpleasant stuff about my childhood and how my parents parented.  But this reminded me what fantastic grandparents they were to my kids and provided a more balanced look at who they were and how they mellowed in the older years.  

With the other kids, they came by to help with the older children, but their visits were a normal thing.  

I do hope that I can be that kind of mom/MIL to my dd/DILs if they will let me.  My mom showed by example that the price of admission/seeing the baby is just being helpful to the parents.  

[J-rap]

There's no right answer, it's whatever works for you!  When our first was born, my dh felt he could handle it all and that it would be a special time for bonding, so we accepted no help except love and a few extra meals.  That was perfect!  When #2 and later arrived, we welcomed the extra help.  For #2 and #3, our families were still local.  But after that, we'd moved so were a distance away.  We had friends who stepped in for a day or two until my mother/mother-in-law or sister/sister-in-law could come and help -- mostly by taking care of other children and housework.  We sure appreciated that!  We generally had help for two weeks and that was perfect.  

[Hannah]

My mom passed away when I was 18, so no. 

It didn't occur to me to have my MIL over to help.  She lived about an hour's drive away and she and I never got on well.  The in-laws did come to see Dd early in the morning after the evening that she was born.

[Tenaj]

My mom wanted to come and stay to help when my first was born but I turned her down.  I had been around babies all my life and couldn't figure out how one baby would keep three adults busy - LOL!  She came to visit for one day, brought a meal and went back home.  It was all good.  I don't think she offered for baby #2 but for baby #3 she and my dad came and took the two older kids home with them for three or four days.  It was bliss.  I had so much time and energy that I actually made a crib quilt for the baby that week.  I think they did that for baby #4, too but then mom started having some health issues and it didn't work out for the later kids.

[Familia]

All of these replies are incredible – your stories so helpful.
It was surreal at the time that my mom and ILs were not ‘normal’ and helpful like our friends’ parents seemed to be. And, although I knew it was happening to them, I just couldn’t imagine what it was like. You have all painted pictures for me.
I learn by example & borrowing ideas from other women has helped me do everything from raise & homeschool our children, clean & manage my home, and now: give postpartum care to my daughter. 
@dirty ethel rackham I understand. Different experiences early in life, different struggles currently, but remembering some of the good stuff has gotten me through so many times when the bad memories want to take over. The example of your parents & FIL has resonated with me more than anyone’s for some reason, so hats off to them for helping me, too!