I’m not sure how to define “best” in this context. My dentist told me to use the most basic toothpaste, nothing whitening or “extra”. I pick Crest or Colgate, whichever I can get in the basic form, which isn’t always easy. Other people might need other products.

Is there a local ARC group? I know the specific issues might not seem right for that group, but in our area ARC is a general umbrella, not necessarily limited to intellectual disability. They might be able to provide contact information for some appropriate programs, either for summer or throughout the year.

I’m curious about the origins of this academic disparity, which I certainly see IRL. The conservative media criticize liberal culture on campus. Are more males than females buying into this assertion, and therefore choosing not to attend college? Are they more likely to see trades, which are traditionally male and often highly physical, as reasonable alternatives to academic paths? Are women just benefiting from the generations-long push to better their situations and therefore more committed to education? College used to be the route to advancement for men as well as women, and if you define advancement as people did in previous generations, it still is. Why do men in particular opt out? It’s not entirely a new phenomenon. For some years I lived in a community with a lot of older watermen. Listening to the men speak, I’d have to concentrate to understand them. Their lives centered on the water, understandably, and on a rather insular (not quite literally) community. Their ideas, pronunciation, vocabulary all reflected it. Then I’d meet one of their wives, and be blown away by the contrast. Those women worked in mainstream environments. They were college educated and held office and administrative jobs. Listening to them, in a context away from their families, I would never have placed them in the same environment as their husbands. I don’t mean any of this in a pejorative way; it was just a very stark contrast between the males and females in this community. Here, at least, though, it’s easy to see why the young men chose to work on the water. They grew up with it, and historically it provided a good living. Their male relatives worked on the water. I guess historically, the women worked in the home: except that in recent generations they have had the option of education and work outside the home, and they’ve taken advantage of that. Somewhat more recently, I’ve seen some young men who’ve just declined* to grow up and assume responsibility, even after marriage and parenthood. Their wives hold down the jobs with benefits; the men seem adrift, more committed to video games than to a career. I don’t know most of their backgrounds. Maybe learning disabilities are involved: in one case they certainly are. *In that case, saying the young man has “declined” to assume responsibility is not fair. Maybe it isn’t in the other cases, either, if disabilities are present there. IDK. I’m not sure if this is just a few individuals or representative of a larger group.

Understood. As I said, the diagnosis might not be necessary for her; you and probably she already understand a lot of what’s going on, and you’re already tied in to the autism community and know what help is available. I just always hate hearing people say that they can’t get a diagnosis because of geographic location. I was mostly writing for others reading along.

Or, alternatively, just find the right person, wherever they are, and take a trip or two for evaluation appointments. We had to go out of town, though only a two hour drive. In my experience, getting the diagnosis has been important enough to justify a flight and an overnight stay. Early help, while the kid is either receptive or is young enough that you can mandate necessary intervention, can be critical. (In the OP’s case, it might not be critical; for us it was, and I’d hate for others to not consider the option of going where the diagnosis is available if it’s important for them. Actually having that diagnosis can make a big difference in the help that’s available for a child.)

Thank you so much, @MercyA and @Kassia.

I’m so relieved and happy for you. Good thoughts continuing for his complete recovery.

Still thinking of you all this morning.

Holding your son and all of you in my thoughts.

I live this life too. I am not speaking from ignorance. That’s exactly why I participated in the thread. I think I’m done here now.

I think we’re in agreement.

I haven’t said anything of the sort about the family. In fact, I said, on the page before this, As for “extremely difficult if not impossible”: that’s not necessarily true. Maybe it is true about finding addiction recovery programs tailored to someone with autism, but not about every sort of help that has been mentioned, from legal help with SSI applications to vocational rehabilitation programs to executive function support to social skills training. Several posters have mentioned that rural Arkansas might not be the best place to find these programs, and I said that his family (meaning, the compound members who are frustrated with his presence, and have been trying to help with money, food, and shelter) might be uneducated in these matters. Most people who don’t have a loved one who’s needed these supports probably are. That’s not calling them uncaring and rotten. It’s just saying that help is available (somewhere!) that they might not know about. Having said that, I’ll reiterate that I wouldn’t tolerate this situation either. I hope his parents can find a better solution. ETA that what can be impossible is forcing an adult to accept help that they don’t want. That may be the biggest problem.

I promise I’m not trying to be argumentative. Truly. But what you said was that help was available, not that he got it. Anyway, good, I’m glad he did. ETA: Maybe this is me being too literal, myself.

This is very true. I hope that, as a child and teen, he got the help that was available in California. I’m glad his parents are cooperating, and his father will provide some help.

Maybe? We really can’t tell from here. Didn’t you say he was living in his car before this? Was that what he managed without the enabling? Was his father helping him then? But what about evaluations and targeted therapy for his issues? What about legal help for his disability applications? From here, I can’t even tell if he has been diagnosed by a qualified professional or if the family has just decided he might be on the spectrum. The help you’re describing keeps a roof over his head and food in his mouth, but doesn’t address the issues that might be causing problems. I had written almost exactly what @KSera said about this. Don’t misunderstand. I believe that his family has been both generous and patient. I believe that he’s a danger to have on the property, and needs to leave. I wouldn’t want to live in the situation you’re describing either, where a drug user and potentially his friends, dealers, goodness only knows who else, could enter the house at any time. I wouldn’t tolerate that situation for my elderly family members. And— maybe autism, or other disabilities, aren’t really a factor here. We just don’t know. At this point, it seems likely drugs are the immediate problem, and the one that gets in the way of other forms of help. But I suspect that, in addition to being generous and patient, his family may be uneducated in the types of support he needed, probably since early childhood, if he’s really on the spectrum. Their community may not have much help available. He may not be open to help. I just get antsy when I hear that he’s been given all kinds of help, but I don’t hear any indication that the help targets what might be the most effective ways to improve his ability to cope. Has anyone talked to his father about what help he could offer, if the young man went back to California?

Not trying to answer for @KSera, who I’m sure will have good ideas. This is a big, broad question, though, and the answers would depend on the details of your nephew’s individual abilities. I had forgotten, if I knew, that he had autism. Has that actually been diagnosed? Has he had neuropsychological evaluations or psychological counseling? Did he have an IEP in school, with transition planning before graduation, or vocational rehabilitation help after he graduated? Has he had help dealing with his addiction? Is he open to that help? He could have language issues that are too subtle for laypeople to recognize, yet significantly limit his ability to communicate. He could have problems with social interactions that frustrate him and others, but which he doesn’t recognize. He might need help learning more productive ways to interact with others, or ways to regulate his emotions. There’s no need to answer any of this here, but these are examples of some types of help which would be pertinent. As for why the autism matters, when it’s the drug use that’s bothering others: sometimes people self-medicate in undesirable ways when their coping skills aren’t up to the job. Once the drug use starts, yes, it’s a huge problem all on its own. But if the underlying problems aren’t addressed, then ending the drug use is going to be perhaps even harder than usual. The fact that he didn’t qualify for SSI the first time he applied means nothing. Lots of people who genuinely need help have to reapply, and need qualified legal help. If his mother is in denial, if he hasn’t has assorted evaluations and a careful effort to document the ways he needs help, then I doubt his application was strong enough. That is not the same thing as not being sufficiently disabled to qualify for assistance. Clearly he needs to leave this property, but he also needs support. It’s unrealistic to expect him to pull himself up by his bootstraps.

Sounds like she needs to go somewhere else where her son can live with her.

This. I think a number of us are picturing our kids or nieces or nephews in this situation, and worrying about them. I do understand this part of things, too, especially since he has to have access to the main house for water and plumbing. It’s a bad situation all the way around.

Yes. When I had a problem with a substitute driver, my school board representative was helpful, at least with explaining what happened.

I’m so sorry; that sounds awful. I hope you’re feeling much better soon, and capable helpers take care of you and the pooch.

Same. Without the heads up here, I wouldn’t have insisted that we spend the time and money to travel. We’re all glad we did.

One dog was out with us at totality. She was more interested in the golden retriever down the street than in the eclipse, as far as I could tell. We’re away from home, though, and everything here is new to her, so she’s generally on high alert about her surroundings. If we’d been at home, and the eclipse was the only thing out of her ordinary life, who knows.

We were able to see a couple of glimpses through the clouds right before and after totality, and then of course the clouds started to clear significantly once totality was over. The darkness was amazing, even though we couldn’t see the eclipse itself at that moment. We traveled a fairly long distance, but no regrets. We planned a mini vacation around this experience, so we’d be in a place that interests us regardless of what happened with the eclipse. Dh is saying now that we should fly to Spain for the next one. Guess that means it was worth the trip. 😁

High thin clouds here. We’re seeing a good bit of it, intermittently. Curious what totality will be like with the clouds.

Mount Etna’s producing giant versions. https://wapo.st/4avbHXx (gifted)