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marbel

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About marbel

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    Hive Mind Queen Bee

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    Suburban Philadelphia
  • Interests
    reading, cooking, sewing

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  1. Station Eleven by Emily St John Mandel. Looking forward to going back through the thread and finding some new books!
  2. I am not huge on celebrations but I like to be acknowledged. But one year I felt so disregarded by my husband that well before my birthday the following year I told him how badly I felt and what I wanted to change. It wasn't that big a deal. The kids were pretty little, so we just out for very casual dinner at a burger place - that was my choice. We had met up after his work so had two cars. After dinner, he motioned toward the grocery store in the same parking lot and said "why don't you go in and get yourself a cake?" WHAT? Well, I did, 'cause dammit I want cake on my birthday. So I swallowed my annoyance and got a nice cake, and we went home and they sang happy birthday and ate cake. I don't remember if there were gifts or not, probably because my husband's mother is big on them so he grew up feeling like gifts are important. (Although I have sometimes bought myself something and gave it to him to give me, because often he will go out at the last minute and buy something stupid.) Anyway, a few weeks before my next birthday, I told him how awful that was. I did acknowledge that he does not have time to make cakes, blah blah, he has enough pressure at work, don't want to add more, but... come on, you can stop and get me a cake. I also pointed out that I always had the kids make him a card, and while certainly as the stay-home parent I have more time, but he also had time if he planned ahead, so... come on. From then on, I always got a cake and a card from each kid. Then at some point my daughter took over, and she ensures there is cake and gifts from all. Not sure how that happened - I think she just observed the dynamic and realized that Dad was not malicious but clueless, so she would either make a cake or have him buy one. Not sure that helps, but, I agree with others to speak up. Not when you are angry, but before the next occasion as a gentle nudge that your feelings matter too.
  3. That's where my husband and I stood. We both went to college; he came out at age 22 with a "useful" degree: I came out at 30 with one of dubious usefulness (generic BA in English) though I cannot say that having it has not helped me; it simply did not provide me with a profession, as a BSN or law degree might have. Both our kids questioned college mainly because they were not sure what they wanted to do. But they both started at community college and by the time they graduated, they had clearer ideas of what they wanted to study. They are following their deepest interests (I dislike the word "passions" in this context) and strengths. My LD/ADHD kid almost took a step back from transferring to finish his bachelor's. He interviewed for a technician job for the summer, not realizing it was not suitable for a summer job - it required 3 months training. The interviewer seemed interested in him till they both realized his misunderstanding. My husband said "well, you could go do that for a year or two, then go on to finish your degree" and the boy (wisely, imo) said "no, I think if I don't go to college now, I won't go." So, he went to his transfer school and seems to be having a great time and loving most of his classes. Once he's done, if a job doing history (whatever that means exactly; he would love museum work) does not present itself, he might pursue technician work. People tell me I should be worried about him and his art major sister. I'm not. For us, community college was the key. It gave them the chance to take college classes and decide while not making a big $$ commitment. I know a lot of people sneer at community college but it can work well for some, particularly those who are not sure of their path but have the sense that college would be a good thing for them, and do not want to step into full time work right out of high school. They also got some very helpful scholarships based on their performance at CC, even just for graduating (since CCs in general have low graduation rates).
  4. I have my resume in front of me right now as I am applying for a job. (I have a post-homeschooling job, but I want a better one.) A career adviser suggested I treat homeschooling like any other job. So: facilitated homeschool education...researched state requirements for... provided instruction... researched, located, and implemented... monitored progress... completed administrative tasks as required by state... My resume is set up functionally, with 3 categories titled "Career Highlights" based on my experience: Customer Service, Training/Teaching, Business Process Analysis. Homeschooling is in the middle of the training/teaching section; I did some volunteer training after homeschooling so that's first, and last is my actual job experience as a corporate trainer pre-kids. I move the 3 categories around depending on what type of job I am targeting. For my current job, my Customer Service experience was on top, because that's the kind of job it is. The only dated things are my current job, my volunteer stint, and homeschooling (9/2003 - 5/2017!). Then there is a section of "Previous Employment" that is undated but showed I had actual jobs. Don't know if this is what you are asking at all! But maybe it will help with some ideas. I did not think about quantifiable outcomes from homeschooling. They graduated?
  5. For sure, to both sentiments in this post. My kid was thinking he would go to technical college after CC. He stumbled badly in pre-calc. (He has a dx'd math disorder.) Comp Sci was a struggle and he hated it, though he did it and he did well. He loves history, always has. But the world around him (not his dad, nor I) screamed that to be successful one must going into a STEM field. After much discussion, tears, stress... he changed his major to history. One of the crystallizing moments was when I asked if he felt he needed to make a lot of money. Because *in general* the people who major in STEM fields are going to make more money than those in Liberal Arts. He thought it over and said "I don't think so, but I know I don't want to go to a job I hate every day." And that was that. He is super happy in college studying what he loves. And, he's got plenty of people to talk about career paths with.
  6. I would get that mostly from homeschoolers. But I was not the "right" kind of homeschooler for most people. Not Christian enough, not secular enough, not academic enough, not relaxed enough. And, if I ever mentioned my kid with LDs, it was always "why can't they just work harder?" That from parents of high-achieving, neurotypical, homeschoolers, private schoolers, public schoolers alike.
  7. Thanks for mentioning this. I found an assorted teas and honey stick package on Amazon for my daughter. She has 3 roommates so I'm pretty sure if there is a tea she doesn't like, someone will. And she loves honey sticks, always likes to get a few at farmers markets and such where she can just buy one or two!
  8. By the way, OP, I think that is such a nice idea! Whether or not everything is a perfect fit does not matter; surely some will be hits and if there are misses, it's great to share with other room/suite/housemates. ETA: Lip balm! Flavored for the girl, plain generic chap stick for the boy. 🙂
  9. My daughter would like cute socks, scrunchies, bobby pins because she loses them all the time, colored gel pens, little notepads, stickers even. My son is harder. Like socks; he wears the white socks from Costco unless he needs dark dress socks. This week I am sending him some shelf-stable chocolate pudding because the dining halls don't have pudding! I was stunned, really, no pudding? (Seems like such a staple to me.) Also a spare set of earbuds, some Thinking Putty, a deck of cards and some other nonperishable foods. His college is in a very small town and he has no car, so fast food gift cards are a waste. I could give him one to the local grocery store, lol, boring but utilitarian. I guess that describes my kid though. (Utilitarian tastes, not boring!) Closer to Halloween, I plan to send some candy in case there is dorm trick or treating. Also when it cools down a bit, some favorite homemade cookies.
  10. Same. But I also don't like the idea of someone coming over and helping me clean my bathroom or whatever. I prefer that as a solo task. Outside work is different, sure come on over and talk to me while I am deadheading or weeding or whatever. And I hate it when people just decide they are going to help me with something without knowing if it's helpful or not. Like the time someone stopped over with her kids and we had some food, and she wanted to wash the dishes. But I had an outdoor birdfeeder in the sink that I had been getting ready to clean, and didn't want dishes mixed in with that. She wouldn't listen to my "please stop, I can do this later" and just threw dishes into the sink with the birdfeeder and washed them all very quickly. Not what I wanted at all and when she left I took everything out of the drainer and rewashed it all. (I don't care if it was all fine to wash dishes with a birdfeeder; to me that is just ugh. I would always disinfect the sink after a task like that. Now I have a utility sink in the laundry room, but I didn't then.)
  11. That's a pretty bold implication. My bathroom and kitchen have not always been clean. There have been times during my homeschooling career when there was literally no place in the living room for someone to sit down because couches and chairs had stuff on them. Sometimes it was extreme, such as when preparing for a camping trip (my house is small, there are no extra rooms to stage stuff) or some home repair was going on. The two weeks before my kids moved out to college, we could barely walk in there. There have been times when I couldn't have someone sit down for a cup of tea because the kitchen table was cluttered with stuff. My house is not always dusted and vacuumed. The bathroom is not always in a nice state. And I have only two kids, and did not have lots of commitments outside the home. I can imagine someone with more kids, someone who works or has a heavy volunteer schedule, etc would have a harder time keeping things "tidy" all the time. I don't go around critiquing other peoples' homes when I visit; in fact I am delighted when I am in someone's home and things are not spotless. But everyone has a level of comfort. Yeah, I'd like to have a chance to do a quick swipe of the bathroom surfaces and toilet and put clean hand towels in there before opening it up for a guest. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting company to give a little notice before coming over. It certainly does not mean they value cleanliness over people, to me it indicates a desire to make their guest more comfortable. To me it's less about housekeeping than being respectful of someone's schedule and not expecting them to be available at a moment's notice to sit around and chat. My mom had that life; I do not and very few people I know have that life now.
  12. This is me. How does someone know if I'm not about to walk out the door to an appointment? Or in the middle of a huge, long-overdue bathtub scrubbing in my worst clothes and the reek of chemicals all over the house? (Actually in that case I wouldn't even answer the door.) I feel the same way about phone calls anymore. I don't love talking on the phone, but sometimes it's the best way to have a long conversation. But please don't call me out of the blue to "catch up" and then get hurt when I say I can't talk right now. You don't have access to my calendar and have no idea what's going on! Text me and ask when is a good time for a nice long chatty phone call, then I can be ready with coffee and doodling materials. 🙂 Hospital visits - I've only been in the hospital once as an adult for anything other than giving birth. I hated having visitors. I felt so obligated to be "on" and talkative when I just wanted to read or sleep. And please don't bring me crap that I have to take home and don't want there either, I don't care how cute it is, no stuffed animals or little figurines please. My husband told me our pastor asked him if/when to visit, and I said "please no, it will be torture for both of us." I liked my pastor but preferred to socialize with him at home or in a pub. Not lying in the hospital in pajamas, messy hair, and a catheter and a big clear bag of bloody pee by the side of the bed.
  13. One of the best gifts my mother ever gave me was her own flexibility (and teaching me to be flexible in turn) about such things. I agree that it is probably an aging thing. Birthdays may become much more important when it's anticipated that there may not be many more. I'm sorry you are dealing with this; I'm also sorry your mom is hurt over it. I'd find picking up a kid from university a more-than-valid reason to move a birthday celebration.
  14. My daughter was a very unhappy homeschooler, yet she did not want to go to school because no school seemed a good fit. Throughout her high school years she only had one friend, someone she met at church. (She briefly toyed with the idea of going to the private school her friend attended, but it was way too costly for us and she really didn't want to do all the typical high school stuff, such as sports her friend was involved in.) She is not academically inclined and hated all subjects except art. And English when we were reading/discussing books, but writing papers was torture for her. Homeschooling her took a lot out of me and was close to wrecking our relationship. I worked so hard to keep her engaged and keep us from fighting over everything! When she was a sophomore she started taking a couple of classes at community college, mostly art which was her great interest and the best option for affordable classes. She still felt a little bit of an outsider for a while (15 years old around mostly 18+ students) but once she was out of high school and fully enrolled with a major at CC, she bloomed. She didn't graduate early as many DE kids do, but did graduate with lots of transferable credits. She even got As in her math and science classes, two areas which were huge struggles for us. Two weeks ago I dropped her off at college to move into her student apartment (though the school is literally 10 minutes away from home; we wanted her to live there and her scholarships and financial aid allowed for that). She loves everything about school, has bonded with her roommate, loves all her professors and classes and is joining clubs and fitting in. She loved showing a new student around Philadelphia on a day trip into the city (we live in the suburbs) and being the "expert" at something. In retrospect, it seems clear that homeschooling gave her the freedom to not force herself to fit into a box. College is much less boxy than high school. But of course it did not look that way at the time, to either of us. It was just loneliness and conflict. The day she had her last high school evaluation and the evaluator signed off on her transcript was a day of huge relief for both of us. Of course we are only 2 weeks into college life so it could all collapse, but based on her times at community college I think she will do well. Hugs to you and your daughter. It can be a tough time.
  15. This this this. I have a relative who has a kid who knew, at age 12, what they were going to do with their life, and they did it. So, this relative decided that that's how it should work for everyone. And when my kids came along and at age 12... 15...18... weren't sure what they were going to do... it was torture talking to this person. Because every time we talked, the topic of my kids' futures came up and I was always given a lecture about how they needed to know, right now, what they wanted to do and start working toward it. And then, when the decided their college majors, I got lectured because they were going into the WRONG fields. And this person does not understand why we aren't closer.
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