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marbel

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    Suburban Philadelphia
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    reading, cooking, sewing

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  1. I'm not a fan of garage sales in general but if this is an opportunity to get rid of stuff you don't need, what about putting it all out with a jar for $$, and a sign saying "pay what you wish." Some people won't pay, most likely. But I bet most would put in something. There is a woman in my neighborhood who grows flowers and often has bouquets out for sale. She has a box for money, and the bouquets are priced. I've seen people do that with tomatoes and zucchini too. Maybe it would work?
  2. I'm sorry and I agree it's good you are thinking about this now. So, I would think about what would make the holidays nice for you and your kids, new things can you do that will bring some pleasure - not fake smiles - and perhaps some healing for you. This is not the same as losing family at all, just an example of changes: we moved from a place where we had lots of friends, lots of space in our home for parties and playdates, and lots of fun activities (and money to pay for them) during the holidays, starting with pumpkin patches and ending at New Year's Eve. Then we moved far away. By Christmas in our new home we still had almost no friends, very little space, and no money for fun activities (or to travel to visit family). So we had to figure out how to make Christmas nice in our new circumstances, while missing so many people/places/traditions. And we did. No it wasn't the same but we got by and started building new traditions, some of which have fallen away by now, 10+ years later. So I would think about things you and your kids would enjoy. You can invite your husband but if he is all bah humbug about holidays, you and the kids can carry on without him. (My sister cooks a sweet potato every Christmas and puts it on the table with the rest of the food, in honor of our father who she claims always wanted sweet potatoes at Christmas. No one eats the potato. But it's a fun thing for her and her kids, and is a way to keep their memory of their grandfather alive. Now, I have no memory myself of sweet potatoes at Christmas as a kid (my sister is 5 years older than me), and I think cooking one to not eat is a little odd but it's their tradition and it brings my sister comfort, so... why not.)
  3. Most women end up teaching their grandchildren? Really? I have not observed that at all. Or do you mean most women who homeschooled their kids, and these kids now have children that they are having Grandma homeschool?
  4. I think it's perfectly normal to be looking forward to it. Children are supposed to grow up and move on from living under their parents' authority. (I know some people continue living in their family group but it is not typical in the US, at least to my knowledge). I am looking forward to it though I don't know when it will ever happen. Covid messed up my kids' last 2 years of college. They have both graduated and are trying to find work that will allow them to move out. They did not choose fields that are known to have great, high-paying jobs anyway, but they are still working on internships, apprenticeships and such because they didn't have those opportunities during school. It's been hard. I am 65, still working, and anxious for the empty nest (and retirement but I don't know when that can happen either). That said, I am grateful we all get along well for the most part!
  5. Re what to call significant other when one is of a certain age... My 90 year old neighbor refers to her "gentleman friend".
  6. I would expect him to. Whether I would want it or not is irrelevant, I certainly would be beyond caring at that point and have no desire to try to control people from beyond the grave. We actually had that conversation once and I told him that if it happens he had better take care of my/his children with regard to inheritance, family heirlooms, etc. I have know a few people who lost treasured items and family money due to a father's remarriage to a woman who inherited it all when the husband died, and kept it all for her own kids.
  7. My inclination is toward no, because I have already been married twice and I know from the in-between time (12 years of being single as an adult after my divorce) I can be very happy alone. But, who knows? There was a time I thought I would never get married, never have children, yet here I am, married 26 years with 2 grown kids. So I don't really rule much of anything out in terms of "would you..." ever.
  8. So, I have to ask... what do you mean by "proudly?" I'm imagining a terrible scene in which you shame the guy for this accident of anatomy. I don't assume my imagination is right, but when you shout it out like that... I'm just curious what you mean. Obviously you don't have to answer me; I won't get my feelings hurt if you don't. I'm just having a hard time figuring out how one proudly ends a relationship (or non-relationship that never really got started).
  9. re: achieving "the big o" 70%, 90%, 99.5% of the time... When I talk about people here, I could mean myself, women who have personally confided in me, or it could be based on articles/books I've read on the topic. I'm not a scholar on the subject but as a human person I am interested. There are lots of reasons people might not climax all the time. There are lots of factors that go into it, particularly for women. It may be that achieving it may take more time/effort/energy than a person really wants to expend at the time. A person may sometimes wish to please their partner without reciprocity and that is legitimate. It is not necessarily, for every person, a path to frustration.; it can be satisfying in a different way. Harping on women's rights to satisfaction may put pressure on people who do not particularly feel unsatisfied if they don't climax every time. Note that I'm not saying "just give in to it, grin and bear it, and fake it till it's over." And I would never give "permission" to one person to demand satisfaction for him/herself whenever it's desired regardless of the other person's feelings. Nor would I say that people should not convey their desires to their partner. I'm saying, sometimes, some people are willing to set aside a specific pleasure for a time, putting another person first. I'm sure someone will say I've been "conditioned" to think that way. But there is equal conditioning out there that it has to be great all (or 95%?) of the time. So people can feel pressured to perform, as someone upthread said. And feeling pressured just takes all the fun out of everything, doesn't it? Maybe 70% of the time, it's so good, that the 30% of the time there's no climax isn't a problem.
  10. Why would I think that?
  11. OK, so, am I getting it right that sex in this thread is strictly defined by intercourse/penetration, everything else is not sex but... something else? (Re: micro....)
  12. OK so that's a little different than what I was getting from the earlier post. That is interesting to me. I don't currently know any teens well, but when my kids were teens they had friends who dated in high school, and friends who did not. The ones who were motivated to do well in school, go to college, etc., did it, dating relationships or not. The ones who weren't motivated, didn't, dating or not. Statistics on teen dating related to higher education would be interesting (note I am not asking anyone to google this for me; I will do it if I have time and my interest continues 🙂). My own kids dated throughout college (well, each had one bf/gf during that time) and did great, graduated with high GPAs, had appropriate involvement in ECs, etc. Yeah I know that's a small set, but they and their friends are what I am basing on comments on. I can't imagine they and their friends are super exceptional.
  13. They are adorable and I love his hair and whiskers! (Agree on the makeup.) How fun!
  14. Yeah, maybe so. We were intimate before marriage but there wasn't the day-to-day closeness that may have made things more apparent. But then I have to ask, what is the right amount of time? Two years, 5, 10...? That wasn't the only thing that drove us apart though. Perhaps if other things had been right, we could have worked around that. What I can see in retrospect is that we should have talked more about what marriage looked like to us. Not in the way of "how often are you going to want sex," but in the way of priorities and expectations. I should have spent more time thinking of how I wanted my life to look, with or without a husband/partner. Marriage is by definition risky. I have known people who've undergone dramatic changes years in, such as people who suddenly have a religious conversion one way or another, leaving the spouse behind. Living together before getting married just isn't going to solve all the potential incompatibility problems.
  15. So at some point you and your husband figured out you liked each other more than you liked other people, right? And probably went out by yourselves sometimes, right? Now, once married, I don't really consider spouses going out and doing stuff together to be dating, despite mommy bloggers' admonitions to have "date nights." Yeah, at that point it's just normal life. ETA: actually my husband and I are not sure of our first date. Was it a meetup for beers to plan a group baseball game outing? Or the baseball game outing that ended up being just the two of us? Or when I took him to my favorite place out on the Cali coast (Point Lobos, sigh)? Any of them could have been because the purpose was to spend time together away from our other friends.
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