JAWM Vent to keep from going crazy

[saraha]

I want to preface this vent with the statement that I know it could be worse. I know that we are a lot better off than a whole lot of people, so I feel really guilty about even wanting to vent. And embarrassed that I am seeking attention from strangers on the internet. But I am quickly reaching my limit, and I don’t know where else to go.
 I am tired of being the only driver. Iam tired of at minimum driving three hours a day. I am tired of being everyone’s brain. I am tired of teenagers and there copious needs. I’m tired of being the mom of adults with autism and anxiety. I’m tired of worrying about my kids. I am tired of being the house manager. I’m tired of being the house manager for a hoarder two days a week. I’m tired of working a  second part time job that requires constant human interaction. I am tired of anticipating the needs of 7 other people. I’m tired of birthdays. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of handling dh with kid gloves. I’M tired of watching him struggle. I’m tired of watching him slip into depression. I’m tired of my mother. I’m tired of worrying about my in-laws. Im tired of not really resting when I have the chance because choosing to rest means choosing not to do something that needs done, so even if I choose not to do something I’m still not resting. I’m tired of worrying about the garden and producing food to help our budget. Im tired of constantly worrying about money. I am tired of what is going on in the world at large. I’m tired of being in charge.

In all my years of being married and raising a big family I have never wanted to walk away like I do now. I really really need someone to just hug me while I cry til I’m cried out. Not try to fix it or give me advice or feel guilty because I need to cry.
My family and my husband are amazing and I love them fiercely, but I feel like I’m becoming someone I don’t like. I don’t know how to stop it.

Tha is for letting me put this out there. I just feel like I don’t have anyone in my real life to go to.

Edited July 18, 2023 by saraha

[Ann.without.an.e]

I’m so sorry that you’re in that “feeling like you can’t keep your head above water stage” right now. I’ve been there a few times in life and it.is.hard! This will get better, probably not tomorrow or the next day, but it will. I’ve been at the end of my rope so many times especially with teens and young adults. Life has ups and downs - easy times and hard times. You’re in the hard and down time right now. Hang in there ❤️ Think on what you could alter, sure, but mostly just hang on. 

[BusyMom5]

Big hugs to you!  I sometimes feel the same way- like I want to run away from my life, hit the pause button while I process and have some down time.  

[SanDiegoMom]

{{{Saraha}}}.  You have every right - that is a LOT.   Hugs ❤️

[Mona]

(((Saraha))) I’m so sorry. That’s a heavy burden for one person. It’s okay to cry. 

[porque?]

So sorry it's so much right now. Hope you get a break soon. Many hugs.

 

[scholastica]

Consider getting a therapist who can be that person for you, even if it’s online. Preferably someone who can do Zoom or another portal so you can see each other. You absolutely must have a place to take all this or you will crack and be no good for anybody. It’s so hard. And, yes, you have blessings, but you also have heavy burdens. Hugs.

[Kassia]

Sending big hugs.  I'm sorry.  It is a lot.  I feel that way most of the time and it's absolutely draining physically and emotionally.  Please don't feel bad about posting - we are here for support.  ❤️  And, yes, it's okay to cry - sometimes a good cry can really help.  

[saraha]

Thanks. Just typing it all out has helped so much. I guess just putting it all out in one place and having someone acknowledge it is cathartic 

[Jaybee]

Oh sweetie, that is a lot. Hugs.

[Katy]

I’m so sorry. It’s too much and you need a break. And the only reason you think expressing it is too much is you’re so used to being the one to help others. 

Ask for help. First from your kids, then from others. Delegate your chores to kids ASAP. Have your non-drivers text people in their activities and ask if they can drive them for the rest of the summer because Dad can’t drive and Mom’s overwhelmed with Dad’s care. Have them all sign up for driver’s ed because they’re nearly adults and need to do it themselves. Have them be responsible for their own stuff (with plenty of warning), because it’s too much. And they’re old enough to figure it out(though there will be mistakes).

And don’t feel bad about it. It will be good for them. DH’s mom left when he was a kid and he was the oldest. I rarely have problems with mental load because he anticipates problems almost as well as I do. I attribute that to him being so responsible for himself and his siblings as a kid. 
 

If possible, take a 48 hour break AWAY from home to sleep and cry and pray and rest. 

[fairfarmhand]

That’s a lot. It will get better though. And it’s normal to feel like that. I’ve had many days of wanting to run away. I often thought of what crime I could do to just get an overnight in jail away from the incessant needs of the people I love!

[saraha]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

That’s a lot. It will get better though. And it’s normal to feel like that. I’ve had many days of wanting to run away. I often thought of what crime I could do to just get an overnight in jail away from the incessant needs of the people I love!

I can’t remember what movie it was, but years ago I was watching it with dh and the mom says something like have you ever felt like you wanted to be hit by a car, but just a little bit, so you can go to the hospital and have people take care of you and get a break? And I just looked at dh and said “true story “ and he was so shocked he just stared at me for a minute and then reached out to hold my hand and went back to watching the movie 😆

[Kalmia]

A big hug for you! I think we women need a lot more hugs than we get!

Two months ago I clocked 1900 miles in two weeks driving back and forth between three people who needed me, my MIL who was dying, my mom who started the wandering stage of Alzheimers, and my young adult with autism became depressed and was flunking all his spring semester college classes and he had a minor car accident! I ate junk food for two weeks and my hip was killing me and my Achilles tendonitis flared up and I just kept on driving and caring for people who could not care for themselves. All this was while dealing with abnormally low funds because my clients for my husband's business suddenly dried up.

I am so glad you wrote to us here in the Hive. You did the right thing. What helped me was being open and honest about it. When my MIL died, all my girlfriends called me and I just told them all the bad things. They were so kind and it buoyed my spirits to know I was not alone emotionally. One friend I assumed had everything together admitted that her FB images of family life are not reality either. All of them told me to call any time. My husband, however, (other than taking condolences for the death of his mother) does not like to talk to his friends about any troubles, especially with our kids. Partially due to avoiding calls (because his friends would ask about the kids) and not being totally honest with his friends and not ever realizing that life is almost never perfect, he has slipped into depression. 

In order to survive the crisis time (many of these issues continue) I got a theme song (Big SMO's "Workin' ") and played it every morning. It is a "put your boots on" and "push harder" type song about the strength and sacrifice of blue collar workers, but sometimes I think moms are unsung blue collar workers. Then after the worst two weeks, I started getting up early before everyone else to walk on our quiet road no matter what else had to be done (and my list is long and never ending) and made sure I was eating healthy again. Putting on the oxygen mask. 

There has been much written lately about the "mental load" women carry. So it is slowly being recognized. I assume it will be a few decades before it is more balanced in society. Or not. I feel like the teens I had were very different from the teens I grew up with. Much less capable of handling things. I can only blame myself I guess for following the parenting styles of my times rather than my parents parenting style which produced two very realistic capable women (if I say so myself, lol). But there are no do-overs. I soldier on with what I have and enjoy thoroughly the moments of breakthrough like when I woke up yesterday and my daughter had emptied and filled the dishwasher unasked! It was like a present!

Oxygen mask, keep the basics of health going for yourself--exercise and nutrition. Also, think about going on a news diet. I haven't had TV for 15 years and I avoid watching any news on the internet. I will read a newspaper. This has quelled my world-anxiety so much. There is a world that needs me more and that I can actually help, my family and friends and neighbors.

[Junie]

Sending hugs to you.  I have felt the same overwhelm in the past, where it just seems to be too much.

Try to delegate, try to do a tiny bit of self care (even if it's just going to get a coffee or a milkshake or whatever).  Make a list of chores for the people in your house to do.

Know that you are loved.

[Junie]

Here's a song that I listened to often when I was struggling the most.  Know that we are here to support you. Sending love.

 

[Harriet Vane]

Aw, Sarah. I'm sorry it's so hard. You have a lot on your plate. Warm hugs for you.

[almondbutterandjelly]

((hugs))

[GailV]

((hugs)) That is a lot. I was sort of exhausted just reading it - I can't imagine living it day after day.

I truly appreciate that this is a place people can vent. You've helped others by admitting that sometimes life is just plain crappy.

[Laura Corin]

I'm so sorry.

[Corraleno]

Aww, honey, I'm so sorry everything is weighing so heavily on you right now. You're definitely not alone — every mother I know has had times where everything was just too much and they (we) just wanted to run away from it all. It's especially tough when you're dealing with elderly parent problems at the same time as teen/young adult issues, and then throw in marital issues and a spouse who can't or won't help (and/or is totally oblivious to it all), and it feels like you can barely keep your head above water. There were times when I felt like climbing on the roof and just screaming "Why am I the only grown-up in this whole damn family????" The worst part to me is feeling like my brain isn't even my own, because so many other people are offloading their mental work into it; it's like having your living space invaded by a dozen squatters who make so much noise and mess you have no time or space to yourself.

Can you sit down with your kids and husband and just flat out say "I can't keep doing this without losing my mind, let's brainstorm some ways to take some of this off my plate"? I'm dealing with elderly parent issues and being pressured to participate in enabling behavior that I think is unwise and unsafe, and I've had to just say no and hold the line, even if it makes other family members think I'm being "heartless." No, I'm being mindful — of my own limits and the actual real-life limits of others, whether they recognize them or not.

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

I can’t remember what movie it was, but years ago I was watching it with dh and the mom says something like have you ever felt like you wanted to be hit by a car, but just a little bit, so you can go to the hospital and have people take care of you and get a break?

When I was working frontline customer service decades ago, it was so bad I could have ended up being on drip at urgent care for no appetite and lack of sleep. Is it possible to have a sleepover at a friend’s place and cry it all out? I remembered when I was feeling burn out that just sleeping for more than 24 hours was helpful. 

[fraidycat]

(((HUGS))) Every one of those things is a responsibility/burden. Add them all up and it is A LOT for one person to carry. 

I'm so sorry that the weight of your whole world is all on your shoulders right now. That really sucks so much. 

I think we have all BTDT to varying degrees. I wish I was close enough to just give you a hug and my shoulder to cry on. In the absence of arms, I find a nice hot shower a good place to cleanse the soul with tears... and snot.

[livetoread]

I read a book about a mother who went to the beach with her family. She went out for a walk on the beach and just kept walking, not having planned it. It's a good book. I suggested it to my book club made up of moms and they refused. They said it was way too tempting and they didn't want to dwell on it, and while they were laughing, they were dead serious. You are not alone!

 

Edited July 18, 2023 by livetoread

[Ali in OR]

I think pieces of your post ring true for so many of us. Hugs to you.

[kbutton]

I'm so sorry! It's a lot. 

I had a period of two or three years where I couldn't cry at all. It was awful--there was no release valve. So, cry away if it helps you feel less pressure building up!

 

 

[Pawz4me]

Hugs, Sarah.

[Indigo Blue]

Hugs to you. Please don’t feel bad for venting. Yes, someone else may have it worse, but that should not minimize your struggle one bit. It’s real and hard. I’m so sorry.

[Carol in Cal.]

Hugs!

Pick something you like to do, and put it on your schedule about a week out.  It can make all the difference in the world to have something to look forward to, even if it’s just an hour at a library or something.

[cintinative]

2 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

That’s a lot. It will get better though. And it’s normal to feel like that. I’ve had many days of wanting to run away. I often thought of what crime I could do to just get an overnight in jail away from the incessant needs of the people I love!

There was a Simpson's where Marge keeps committing petty crimes so she will get assigned community service (cleaning up a park) just to get away from her kids and husband.  Finally the police officer realizes what is going on and just goes along with the "she has to do community service" thing.  😃

[cintinative]

You have so, so very much going on.  This overwhelm you are feeling is so very normal.  And it is normal that things fall through the cracks, because despite our best efforts, none of us have superpowers or time machines. If you have neighbors/friends you can ask, don't hesitate to cry out for help. People often want to help but need us to tell them how. Sometimes we white-knuckle it through when we should be throwing stuff overboard because the ship is sinking.  Know that you are being prayed for!!

[City Mouse]

I felt like that most of the past 12 months. Between dealing with elderly parents, extended family, work, and an adult child with autism, I got to the point that I just couldn’t make any more decisions. 

I wish I had advice for you, but I don’t. The only reason that I am doing better now is that some things have resolved. My father passed away. My mother is now in a nursing home, and earlier this summer my sisters and I finally got her apartment emptied and what remains of her hoard into 2 storage units. Her car is sold and not my problem anymore. I think I’ve got everything set up so that I don’t have to make anymore “emergency” trips back to Texas. I am cutting back on my hours for work with the plan to stop my contracting at the end of 23-24 school year. I’ll need to get a different job, something that pays less but with less stress and more flexibility (really something with less guilt when I have to miss work).

I have often told my kids and my DH that “ I don’t want to be the mom today. I want to be the dad today” 🤪

Edited July 18, 2023 by City Mouse

[Ottakee]

I so get it.  Just spent last 10 days with my brother in ICU and dejunking his border house to have him involuntarily sent to psychiatric hospital last night.

Add in an ex husband in prison, a disabled elderly mom, and 4 special needs young adult kids…plus occ babysitting 3 grandsons.

i am tired of taking care of everyone.

one idea might ge to look at group home or CLS workers or some sort of living arrangements for the young adults.   
caregiving is exhausting 

[Corraleno]

6 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

I so get it.  Just spent last 10 days with my brother in ICU and dejunking his border house to have him involuntarily sent to psychiatric hospital last night.

Add in an ex husband in prison, a disabled elderly mom, and 4 special needs young adult kids…plus occ babysitting 3 grandsons.

i am tired of taking care of everyone.

one idea might ge to look at group home or CLS workers or some sort of living arrangements for the young adults.   
caregiving is exhausting 

Sending lots of {{{HUGS}}} to you, too, Ottakee.

[El...]

You are carrying a LOT. I hope you feel loved and boosted, even though it's just by us internet friends. Hugs!

[Toocrazy!!]

You are carrying A LOT. I get overwhelmed at much less, so I can only imagine how you’re coping. I do hope you can find some relief. You deserve to be happy and cared for as well! 

[CTVKath]

That's a lot. Hugs!!!!!!!

If we were neighbors, I'd let you cry although I'd probably also try and feed you cookies and chocolate.

[pitterpatter]

I completely understand. This is hitting too close to home for me to reply overly much. I don't want to short out my own brain thinking about all my stuff too much. But, I will say, that it may help to identify something relatively small that is stressing you out and then solving it...for yourself. Something that will make your life easier. For example, we eat a lot of fruits and vegetables that we store in the fridge. Every day, I had to contend with shuffling all the different types of containers and bags to get out what I needed for a particular meal. I'm always in a bit of a hurry, and it frustrated me to have to make multiple trips to the fridge and/or balance various containers just so. Every couple of weeks, one would fall and send blueberries, blackberries, or whatever rolling all over the floor. Or, I'd knock a container of sour cream or something off the shelf and it would splat onto the floor. So, I'd have the additional mess to clean up too. It got to the point where these days felt like personal failures, and it would take me hours to mentally get it over it. My solution was to buy fridge storage bins off Amazon. I told and asked no one; I just did it. It felt really good. And while the bins aren't perfect, they are extremely helpful. I can just grab one or two whole bins at a time and sort what I need on the counter.

After you get some momentum going, you need to figure out how to start pushing things off your plate. (Much easier said than done.) It's become pretty clear to me in my situation, that no one is going to swoop in and rescue to me as I have so many others. Start mulling over long-term solutions in your head and start working toward them. It will be slow going, but having even a little movement in a more positive direction might keep you going. And, do whatever you can not to take on more.

[Sneezyone]

6 hours ago, saraha said:

I want to preface this vent with the statement that I know it could be worse. I know that we are a lot better off than a whole lot of people, so I feel really guilty about even wanting to vent. And embarrassed that I am seeking attention from strangers on the internet. But I am quickly reaching my limit, and I don’t know where else to go.
 I am tired of being the only driver. Iam tired of at minimum driving three hours a day. I am tired of being everyone’s brain. I am tired of teenagers and there copious needs. I’m tired of being the mom of adults with autism and anxiety. I’m tired of worrying about my kids. I am tired of being the house manager. I’m tired of being the house manager for a hoarder two days a week. I’m tired of working a  second part time job that requires constant human interaction. I am tired of anticipating the needs of 7 other people. I’m tired of birthdays. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of handling dh with kid gloves. I’M tired of watching him struggle. I’m tired of watching him slip into depression. I’m tired of my mother. I’m tired of worrying about my in-laws. Im tired of not really resting when I have the chance because choosing to rest means choosing not to do something that needs done, so even if I choose not to do something I’m still not resting. I’m tired of worrying about the garden and producing food to help our budget. Im tired of constantly worrying about money. I am tired of what is going on in the world at large. I’m tired of being in charge.

In all my years of being married and raising a big family I have never wanted to walk away like I do now. I really really need someone to just hug me while I cry til I’m cried out. Not try to fix it or give me advice or feel guilty because I need to cry.
My family and my husband are amazing and I love them fiercely, but I feel like I’m becoming someone I don’t like. I don’t know how to stop it.

Tha is for letting me put this out there. I just feel like I don’t have anyone in my real life to go to.

I haven’t read the whole thread. I’m just gonna express sympathy and respect for you handling it this long without venting. We really have to stop conditioning women and girls to accept this as their due/fate.

Edited July 18, 2023 by Sneezyone

[kathyl]

That's not just a LOT of stuff.  It's exhausting stuff.  As in to-the-bone exhausting stuff.  

I remember back when I began all the cancer surgery and treatments.  I was sitting in some medical place, listening to some medical person tell me this and that thing, when I suddenly realized that someone was actually taking care of ME for the first time in a very, very long time.  And I thought to myself 'Oh, this must be why all those people on the news frequent doctors and emergency rooms for fictitious illnesses - someone is taking care of them for a change.'  But then I decided I'd rather be anywhere but there (doc or hospital), and that was the end of that.  But it was definitely a revelation of sorts for me, the idea that I can have people taking care of me sometimes ... and what that feels like.

{{{Hugs}}}  

Edited July 18, 2023 by kathyl

[fairfarmhand]

Also, remember the mom in Cheaper By the Dozen? Like on baby 8 or 9 she has to go to the hospital instead of birthing at home. The dad comes to visit her, thinking she’d be all sad and missing the family, but instead she’s tickled pink to lie in bed quietly and have people caring for her. She plans on having all the rest of her babies in a hospital from now on.

[freesia]

That is a huge amount you are doing and carrying. I have felt like that before. Ok, the last time was January 2020 when I told my friend that I wish the world would just stop for a minute so I could take a breath….

(Apparently I found a genie without knowing.)

[math teacher]

You have every right to be overwhelmed and to vent to us. This is a special community of friends. We're here for you!!

[scbusf]

Hugs. I totally get it. The other night, we were watching the episode of Schitt’s Creek where the mom says “I’d kill for a good coma right now.” I looked at DH and said that I could relate. 

Edited July 18, 2023 by scbusf
Corrected quote

[Melissa in Australia]

Huge hugs

[Garga]

When the kids were little, it was hard. So many days I would think, “Today is the day that when DH walks in the door, I will get my car keys and go ANYWHERE until 10:00 and then come home and go right to bed because I CANNOT TAKE ANOTHER SECOND OF THIS.” 

I never did that. I would make it through another day, but it was a number of years that I thought that thought every single day. Looking back, I should have gotten in that car at least once a week and taken the night off.

Tthe point I’m trying to get to is that it ended. The years passed and things changed. Right now, I experience some of what you’re going through, but not with quite the same intensity or amount: the anxiety/depression in other family members, the neediness of young people who ought to be able to handle their own stuff, but can’t, the thinking for everyone else. (Oh my goodness, all the thinking for everyone else! No one ever asks me to do something and then follows up with me, checking in on me and making sure I’m doing what I need to do or checking whether I’m sad or depressed. It’s like no one has MY back. I get resentful about it sometimes.)

But these years will pass, too. 

I do my best to live in the moment when I can, when the moments are good. And I also balance that with looking forward to the peace that I hope to have when these years have passed. Fingers crossed that the years ahead are peaceful and I don’t have to devote yet another couple of decades of my own life to others. Fingers crossed. 

You don’t really need advice, but I hope that you can start to find ways to make some changes to help lessen the load. Or just drive off once a week and get a coffee at McDonalds and read a book by yourself for 2 hours. Maybe that’s not doable, but when the boys got older and I finally did have some time to get out of the house alone once a week, it did wonders for me. 

Edited July 19, 2023 by Garga

[Ginevra]

11 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

Big hugs to you!  I sometimes feel the same way- like I want to run away from my life, hit the pause button while I process and have some down time.  

I used to actually say this to my husband sometimes: “I’m going to run away.” A part of me meant it, too. I think when I said that, I ran away emotionally for a while. Ironically, it was the only way to not actually run away. 

[Scarlett]

I am late to the thread. So sorry dear. You got lots of good advice. 
 

I am sure you know this is not sustainable.  Hang in there. 
 

Edited July 19, 2023 by Scarlett
No sure? Also I was so tired typing this I could not think. And I have about 1/10th on my plate that you do.

[mommyoffive]

Oh I am so sorry @saraha that you have so much on your plate that are hard exhausting things. I wish we were neighbors so I could do some of the driving, hug you while your cried, or just listen to you vent.  Anything.  I hope that venting here helps.  I hope that hearing that others are tired helps you not feel lonely.  I hope things get better.  I hope you can take a day off and just take care of you that day.  I hope knowing that all your friends here care about you helps.

The other night as I went around tucking some of my kids in, I took a moment to wish how I still had a mom taking care of me.  Gosh we all deserve that.  It is hard to give all that care and comfort to others and never receive it.  Even when I am sick my family doesn't do much to take care of me because they are just trying to keep a handle of the things I do.  They are good people, but at most they might make me a meal once during the day.  Nobody is caring for me in that way a mother does.  I feel like I have done that for so many years for so many kids that I am exhausted and just want someone to care for me too.

I hope you have a good support system around you.  I never have and I am sure that is why things always feel worse.  Bad and hard things happen to everyone, but people who have wonderful support systems have some extra protection.

I was reading up thread about how these years will pass. I think they do, but at least for me so far things haven't gotten easier.  Maybe I am just extra down today because I am in a loop of bad things just keep happening one right after the other.  It was exhausting when the kids were little.  Turns out it is exhausting when they are not little too.  Maybe it gets better when they are all independent?  I will join you on this tired train.  I try to just get through the day.  Do little things that give me relief, comfort, or joy.  Some days it happens others it doesn't.  I hope you can get a day this week to just focus on you. 

[Serenade]

10 hours ago, livetoread said:

 You are not alone!

 

This