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Harriet Vane

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About Harriet Vane

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    Qualified Bee Keeper

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    Literature, history, scrapbooking, sewing and handicrafts

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    In the woods near the city

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  1. So, the level of supervision they want to require is stifling and will only hurt their relationship with their teen. With my own two, I had regular conversations with them (still do) about relationships. We worked out good boundaries together, and then I trusted them and kept the conversation casually open and ongoing. Awesome. A friend of our family tried radical hypervigilance with her oldest, and my friend's need to supervise and control drove a terrible wedge into her formerly positive relationship with her daughter. Friend tried to keep limits on daughter's behavior well into college years that were more appropriate for junior high. With boyfriends, my friend made a point of being busy with laundry or chores wherever daughter and boyfriend were. Friend also went to extraordinary measures to make sure daughter and boyfriend were never alone elsewhere either--sending along a sister or inviting daughter's friends or whatever. Daughter felt hounded and untrusted, and it was hard for her to really get to know the guy when there was constantly an audience. This daughter (a close friend of my daughter through high school) is someone who is absolutely trustworthy and delightful, and my heart grieved to see the mother-daughter relationship become more and more strained. Ultimately daughter chose to accept college debt rather than her parents' financial contribution, because her parents need for control over her (specifically over relationships) was so invasive. And that daughter barely speaks to her parents now. She is not "living in rebellion"--she has the same standards she has always had and the same common sense (and the same religious values), but her mother's need for intense oversight was absolutely destructive. 😥
  2. I know you've already been to the doctor, but I'll suggest another possibility anyway. When I struggled with overwhelming anxiety, it turned out that I was anemic. My hemoglobin was borderline, and my ferritin was extremely low. Aggressive iron supplementation was life changing for me. It took about eight months to nudge that ferritin score into the normal range. I took supplemental iron for years. Make sure you get a FULL iron panel and not just hemoglobin--you can be anemic even if your hemoglobin is within "normal" range. Too much iron is poisonous, so this is one you would want to get tested before trying supplementation.
  3. Spryte, I'm so sorry. May God truly rain down fire and brimstone on those who could have helped but did not do so. And may God bless your brave mother and bless her compassionate daughter. (((Spryte)))
  4. I am a foster parent with many years of experience with the foster system. I have direct personal experience helping victims of domestic violence get on their feet. I have close relatives who have dealt with divorce and custody issues, and I have a close friend who had a really, really ugly divorce that included abuse, substance abuse, and mental illness. I helped that friend extensively through the legal process. I have been with these dear ones at court and I have advocated for them and I have helped with the paperwork and logistics. My personal experience with family law in three different states through these situations (I lived in two different states, and my sister is in a third state) informed my opinion about possible outcome. The line about playing a lawyer on TV is a commonly used joke based on old commercials of TV actors who played either a doctor or a lawyer on TV. In the commercial the actor would clarify that he/she is not a lawyer/doctor, but does play one on TV, and then the actor goes on to recommend a product or a service to purchase. It was simply my way of saying that despite my personal experience, I am not a professional and am not claiming to be one. Not sure why you singled out my post. Heart is considering a serious step, and it's vital that she carefully think through all the possible ramifications before she commit to one path or another. Others in the thread also mentioned the possibility that her husband would have more time with the kids that Heart cannot mitigate in any way. It is a serious consideration.
  5. Just so you are aware, he will likely get shared custody. Nothing you have shared in this thread is compelling in terms of limiting his legal rights. He does not meet the legal parameters for child or spousal abuse. That means that custody will be an even 50/50 split. I am not a lawyer and I do not play one on TV, so this is something to confirm with your lawyer.
  6. Spryte, I'm so sorry. I am praying for you and your mom this morning.
  7. My eye doctor is also a researcher at a large university. He put me on a regimen that has been incredibly helpful, much more so than what I did for years. Literally a massive, major improvement for which I am so grateful. The old way: wash with baby shampoo, use OTC eye drops such as Blink or others The wonderful new way (that I have been doing almost a year): --Once or twice a day, rest with warm, moist heat on my eyes for 8-10 minutes. I use a hot pack designed for this that I heat in the microwave, then use with a wet cloth laid between my eyes and the hot pack. --Daily take 2 Nordic Naturals ProOmega fish oil. This brand gives the correct (high) dosage of whatever it is that helps eyes so much. --Use Retaine preservative-free dry eye drops four times per day.
  8. Keep the job, deal with the commute. The driving is short term, for this season (though I understand the season feels long).
  9. A quirky option is to loft her bed and put a hammock underneath. Both my kids had this option under their home lofts for years.
  10. Chiming in here to say neither of my older kids has a car on campus. My daughter had no need of a car until this semester, because she is student teaching in another city (graduating in December). My son is a freshman on a different campus and has zero need for a car. I tend to think having a car on campus is expensive and a royal pain. Most campuses include free bussing with ample accommodations for bikes, rollerblades, or skateboards. My daughter mostly walked or bussed her humongous campus, as did I when I was a student. My son mostly walks or skateboards. As for getting home for weekends or holidays, most campuses do offer plenty of bus or train or carpool options. Those were the options I used to get around when I was a student. My daughter did engage in some of those options, but most of the time I have chosen to make a day of it and go get her myself. Her campus is a four-hour drive from our house, and I really treasure the four hours that gives us of uninterrupted chatter and bonding. My son is less verbose than my daughter, so having him trapped in the car with me for an extended time (3 hours to his campus, which happens to be right on the way to his sister's campus) is solid gold. As they grow up, those opportunities for deep connection become more and more rare.
  11. Oh my! I’m sorry this happened and relieved to know he is stable.
  12. We were fascinated by the tour of Mary King's Close in Edinburgh. The weather may make this impossible, but the Isle of Arran has several stone circles and some standing stones all in one day's hike. You can take a ferry there for the day.
  13. Honestly, I'm not sure that's legal? That said, I would definitely have him stay with someone at least overnight. I don't think it's a huge deal to ask family with whom you have a good relationship or see if he can stay a night with a friend and then another night with a different friend.
  14. Aw Spryte, sounds horrible! I’m so sorry you have had such a rough time.
  15. Curious to know how the room turned out? If you are still taking suggestions, here's my two cents: --I like the idea of painting the wood paneling white or cream. A different option might be to hang light-colored posters or a large tapestry on that wall to lighten it. --You mentioned stenciling. Another option for the wood paneling is to stencil something neutral in white or cream on it. --Paint the other walls a very pale turquoise. --For her beloved dragon theme, add a throw and a few posters. Vinyl wall clings are easily found on Etsy and really cool, too. Easy to switch out later. --Our little one has two wires strung on her walls. She uses plastic clips to hang art and photos and stuff. Extremely versatile, and she takes real pleasure in choosing what to display.
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