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livetoread

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Everything posted by livetoread

  1. Agreed. I went to a Christian boarding high school about eight hours away from home. I wanted to go so it wasn't a parental thing. Our class of just over a hundred was unusually awesome, and we got close. Every five years over half the class returns for reunions and they are always some of my favorite events. Three of my closest friends come from there. While the kids were amazing, the faculty were very much a mixed bag. Two of my friends were sexually abused by faculty, and there were reasonable rumors of others. The girls dean bullied my roommate so badly she had a breakdown and left. Faculty had pretty much complete power over us because it was insular with little parental oversight. There were faculty who loved us and were dedicated to our wellbeing, but the system as a whole allowed the predators to act easily. It's interesting to me how many of my classmates still support the school and even sent their kids. They are aware of the abuses but either don't believe them or write it off as "bad apples" rather than a systemic problem. While abuse can happen even under the noses of parents, there are conditions that make it easier, and the boarding school setup fits that.
  2. I was raised YEC, and these books really helped me understand why science accepts that evolution happened: Why Evolution is True by Jerry Coyne Your Inner Fish by Neil Shubin (also a PBS special mentioned above) Evolution: What the Fossils Say and Why It Matters by Donald Prothero I think the Prothero book gives the most overall picture, but they are all very interesting and written in an accessible manner.
  3. I am way more cautious than I used to be about thinking I can read situations and predict how they will turn out. I've seen huge red flags that turn into reasonably happy marriages (for example) and I've seen the opposite. I can look at things and see concerns, but really I have no idea what is actually going to happen. It's helped me with my more controlling tendencies to accept that I don't have the answers, and life has taught me it's a strange journey for all of us. So yes, as I've gotten older I have way more empathy for those who look around and wonder how "x" happened, even when others cautioned about that very thing. It could have turned out differently - you never know. Which doesn't mean just throw up your hands - we can still go with the odds as we see them - but that's all they are, somewhat unpredictable odds. We make our choices based on all sorts of things, only some of which are based on facts as we see them.
  4. Here you go: https://www.thefoamfactory.com
  5. Sounds like you are set, but just in case, we replaced the foam in our couch seat cushions (it's a tightback so no back cushions) and it was great. Dh handled it all so I'm not sure where he ordered from, but it was online. They came in the mail perfectly sized and we just zipped them in. They were much firmer than our old cushions (not sure if he ordered them that way) and we've gotten several more years out of our sofa. The sofa is good quality and has lasted at least fifteen years now. ETA I can ask him where he ordered from if you want the info, and he might remember.
  6. I read that book as a young teen, and yes, it certainly was, though I'd use other adjectives as well. Makes me mad to think about now. So much harmful stuff I was fed as a girl trying to figure out my place in the world.
  7. Ohhhh, I just now got it! "Fundie" as in "fundamentalism" not "fundie" as in "trust fund"! I kept seeing the term and thinking it meant a trust fund baby, and I was trying to figure out why they would talk like that and what it had to do with the current event triggering the term. I was so confused. This makes so much more sense!
  8. My son was a very attractive boy and he attracted attention in public. I noticed the looks and people would often comment. Obviously most of that was totally harmless, but I was aware of how pedophiles can see a child or an image of a child and get obsessive. I was angry after our son was on the news after being filmed playing on the neighborhood playground for a news segment on National Neighborhood Night Out without my permission. I also refused the several news interviews we were approached to give over the years over various little things like voting. Obviously one can't control that completely, and I knew the odds were small, but I figured it's one thing I can control - limiting the exposure he has on media when he's young. Plus we're a family of introverts anyway, so no loss not being in the public eye. We have to weigh the very small risks versus the real benefits of our kids interacting in public and living a normal life, but when it comes to being on the news, that was an easy call for me. If he had been older and made the news for something good and wanted to do it, I would have said yes (but wouldn't have liked it). Around the same time I was weighing all of this (twenty years ago), one of my friends put a picture of her very beautiful five year old daughter on her blog. The daughter was doing something completely innocent in the picture (and fully clothed) but a warped mind could see something different. Men flocked to her blog and started sharing the picture around the internet with disgusting captions. To this day I'm haunted by that. Editing to add, anyone obsessive about your kid can pretty easily find out enough info to do them harm.
  9. I have a bleeding heart in my front yard that is a division from my 100 yo mil's plant. She got a division a very long time ago from her grandmother's farm. I have no idea how old the original plant is, but I'm honored to keep it going. Funny story. Mil asked me about fifteen years ago if I wanted a division and I, of course, said yes, but since it was peak July heat, I told her I'd dig it out and divide it when things got cooler in maybe Sept. The very next day she shows up with a division that she had dug out (yes, in her 80s). It looked terrible, as they already do that time of year, and had only a little bit of root, but she was pleased with herself. I gulped, planted it, and watered religiously but didn't have high hopes. Next spring it grew up happy as could be. They are tough plants!
  10. My parents were decently wealthy by the time I was a teen, and this was still their philosophy. Just because you can spend the money doesn't mean you should. Both dh and I feel similarly in that I can't get pleasure out of things when I know I'm being gouged, so if I'm buying something for pleasure (like junk food) it better be reasonable or I'm not buying it. It's not about being able to afford it - it's about a pleasurable thing losing its pleasure because someone thinks I'm a captive market. Nope.
  11. Ferns might do well, especially ostrich fern. Liriope does well almost anywhere. Red twig dogwood is a shrub that would like it there, but it is less deer resistant. Sweetspire and summersweet are also shrub options. Our voracious deer nibble those but don't destroy them, preferring the roses next to them in my yard.
  12. It would be cheaper, but we eat pretty similarly so it would mostly just mean less of what we eat now. We have shifted mostly plant based from vegetarian and are eating less processed stuff too. I like a variety and I like to try new things so I'd still be buying weird ingredients for recipes and just continuing what we're doing now.
  13. We have been together 32 years and our fights have been rare and mild when they happen. No yelling and we stay on topic, but the tone gets firmer, lol. I think our worst one was when we were dating and we got into an argument about racism. We are both pleasers and we tend to be over-analyzers, so while we get irritated sometimes, we tend to just shut up and wait it out. If we still think it's important after a few hours, we bring it up again, but usually we both realize whatever it was wasn't worth it and that's that. I grew up in a family that argued intellectually while dh did not, so the whole racism argument was much harder on him and he didn't offer another opinion on controversial topics for literally years. Even now he doesn't like debating things that we don't agree on. We come closest to fighting right before and during our travels. Any complicated traveling makes us both tense and lack of sleep adds to it. We still usually just revert to our usual discussions but are more irritated deep down than usual. I don't think this is necessarily better and I know plenty of happy couples who get angry and fight (but don't demean or belittle each other). It's just not our conflict style.
  14. Sorry, yeah I was thinking I've derailed things. Back to KDrama!
  15. But where would Kpop be without it? It seems to me the industry very heavily encourages the development of parasocial relationships with fans. Idols have a heavy presence offstage with their live chats and fan meets and their postings. They themselves post so much about their lives and their interactions with each other for fans. They go on variety shows and play ridiculous games in ridiculous clothing and act out scenarios all to encourage that parasocial thing and stay popular. So much is expected from idols offstage but at the same time they have to act within a heavily controlled, tightly prescribed way that includes in some instances playing up the deep, close relationships for fans. As for close, deep friendship versus a different vibe, all I can say is of course I can't know for sure, especially given cultural differences, but I have my opinions anyway, lol. To me it is obvious that some idols are pulling for a different vibe whether real or gaybaiting. If you don't watch very many offstage videos and especially avoid bl stuff, my guess is your feed just isn't showing you those interactions while mine is because I'm interested in the dynamic. I mean seriously, given percentages, some of these guys are actually gay, and while I agree deep close friendships shouldn't be assumed to be gay, they shouldn't be assumed not to be as well. What bugs me is the teasing and purposeful suggestiveness they do to encourage fans to put them in those relationships in a society that actually doesn't tolerate it. I mean this is a dom/sub vibe, and I'm sure they know it: https://youtube.com/shorts/ov0uprqxypU?si=yHZ7UJ9OtRuMRWgk
  16. Oh boy, are you ready, lol? I know what you mean about close friendships and I understand that male friendships in Korea can be physically closer than male friendships often are in the US, but I'm talking about something that goes way beyond that. Best example I can think of off the top of my head is WooSan which is the relationship between Wooyoung and San in Ateez. Nothing about that strikes me as straight. Either it's real or they are seriously playing up the gay vibe on purpose. As for flirting, Stray Kids flirt shamelessly with each other, especially Han with everyone and Changbin with almost everyone too. Really if you watch videos of Kpop groups like Stray Kids, BTS, and Ateez off stage, there are lots of examples. I'm not saying that all idols act like that, but there is a clear element there that tries to pass itself off as "friendship" but really speaks to a deeper relationship that may or may not be real. There is no way men in Korea act like some of these guys do, even with the higher tolerance for touching and affection between men. Do I believe straight male friends in Korea sleep in the same bed at times, slap each other's butts, and hug? Sure. Do they cuddle in bed while being filmed? Rub each other's thighs? Get matching tattoos? Exchange rings? Seriously doubt it. Now I'm the first to admit that I'm hardly a long time observer of Kpop, and what I see could very well be because of what is fed me, but I've done a little research and it seems to be a thing. Fans seem to like imagining them as couples for whatever reason, and the idols know it's a way to get attention from fans. Listen to the screams when there is interaction between favorite "couples" onstage or at fan meets, or when the choreo is something sexy between two guys. It's tapping into something beyond friendship whether real or not. There was a very similar dynamic with One Direction when they were popular. Fans put them in relationships, and those members teased around that.
  17. Ha, I don't really follow the music but the fandom is a riot. My YouTube feed has been giving me tons of Stray Kids background stuff lately and I'm loving it. I've being trying to understand the whole concept of male idols flirting with each other and pretending to be in relationships for the fans (fanservice) while living in a very intolerant culture for actually being gay. It's strange and sad to me that some idols who are straight are encouraged to act this way because the fans love it, but actually openly dating women makes the fans mad (and is even forbidden under some contracts). It's also sad that idols who are gay can't openly date but sure can "pretend". I feel bad for them and find it all puzzling. Maybe some of it has to do with fans being young and seeing the guys cuddle and flirt without the possibility (in the fan's mind) of things going further feels exciting but safe. There's this weird duality of hyper sexualization in the music and dancing by the idols but off stage they are encouraged to be more like cute, shy, naive, boys than men. I have watched fewer female groups but it seems similar, if not more so, with the women being very sexual in their clothing and dancing on stage and naive acting off. It feels exploitative to me. Own your sexuality or don't, but trying to have it both ways is the worst of both worlds. I can act very sexy for your gaze but I'm not allowed to actually enjoy sex because that's bad.
  18. Concussions are bad, but it's also the repetitive hits of football that seem to be an issue. Football is unique in that some players' brains are being jostled hard every single play, and that adds up. Finding ways to reduce concussions is great, but there is no way to reduce that brain jostling in football without changing the sport completely.
  19. When our cat's kidney disease was getting worse, we tried a few prescription foods and tried a few things to make them taste better. He was picky to begin with and the disease was interfering with his appetite so we gave up and gave him whatever he'd eat just to keep him from going downhill quicker from lack of calories. It's a difficult thing to balance the fact that they need food to keep living, they aren't very hungry because they feel nauseous, and the foods they generally like might hasten their end. We went with the foods he liked and considered him hospice at that point. ETA the prescription food is notorious for being unpalatable for cats so she's not alone in not being impressed
  20. Our 25th wasn't what we had planned - one of our young adults was struggling a lot mentally and we didn't feel comfortable leaving them. We are on a cruise right now for our 30th though!
  21. When I was going through a major crisis and could barely function I watched Schitt's Creek and Midnight Diner. I recommend Fisk as well. The episode where she was trying to give a talk at the library and served some refreshments made me laugh until I cried. I love shows that acknowledge our human foibles with grace and understanding, and all of the above fit the bill.
  22. I'm about four episodes into The Tourist. I like it so far. It's got a similar vibe to the movies Fargo or Pulp Fiction - interesting, quirky characters doing violent things.
  23. Yes, there are other Harlan Coben remakes on Netflix. I have read almost all of his books and love him for a well-written page turner. They all kind of blur together, but I don't remember them being as depressing as the Netflix remakes. The Netflix ones seem darker with sadder endings. Not the vibe I get from his books generally. ETA Possible spoiler: Okay I just checked and the book does end similarly. Either I didn't read this one, or just forgot.
  24. Oh, I understand this all too well as a parent who is living it, though my kid is not a minor. I'm pretty liberal and open-minded about gender stuff, and I still struggle with my own biases, believe me. There are ways to slow things down for minors while still not demonizing trans people, but we as a society are choosing differently.
  25. Just to say a little more, I think part of the conflict comes from sides trying to shape what public spaces are going to look like. Are we going to be a society that is comfortable with gay men holding hands in front of children, or do we want to discourage that (and why?) Do we want trans people to be comfortable existing in plain sight in churches and elementary schools and government, or do we want them to be less visible? Do we want non-binary people to hear their college professors supporting them or telling them they aren't really real? Culture wars are at least partly about shaping what we want the majority of our society to value and what is okay versus not in public. We mostly agree that people can privately think, for example, that certain minority races are not as intelligent, but we don't tolerate hearing such things in our public spaces and there are negative consequences for voicing such opinions. So the rub comes from there being consequences both for voicing anti-lgbtq beliefs and for being lgbtq. What do we want those consequences to be and for whom? Who is going to be the dominant voice and who is going to be marginalized? Right now the dominant voice in most of the country does not want trans people to be comfortable existing in plain sight. That voice doesn't want children to even know trans people exist.
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