s/o Why wouldn't you remarry?

[Janie Grace]

It seems like most of you say "if my dh died, I would not remarry." I'm curious about why. So... why? ?

As for me, I would want to be single for a good long while (to make sure I'm not jumping into anything dumb) but I think I'd remarry if the right one came along. I like being married and I think I'm wired for that kind of companionship. Same goes for dh if something happened to me.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Janie Grace said:

It seems like most of you say "if my dh died, I would not remarry." I'm curious about why. So... why? ?

As for me, I would want to be single for a good long while (to make sure I'm not jumping into anything dumb) but I think I'd remarry if the right one came along. I like being married and I think I'm wired for that kind of companionship. Same goes for dh if something happened to me.

I can't imagine finding anyone as wonderful as dh.  I just figure I have had a good marriage....and don't want to risk another bad one.  

[Carol in Cal.]

I have changed over the years, and the kind of guy I would want to be married to pretty much would be unlikely to live around here right now.

I am completely unwilling to spend my old age dealing with snow and ice, so unless I met someone in another state and we got involved and then he moved out this way, a set of circumstances that seem vanishingly unlikely, I just don't see it happening.  It's not that I'd be unwilling; rather it's that it just probably wouldn't come up.

[Rosie_0801]

Near enough isn't good enough!

[Sneezyone]

I got it right the first time. I'm not sure it'd be fair to someone else to constantly be comparing them to my former DH or that I'd even want a replacement.

[Wheres Toto]

I always said I wouldn't get remarried after my divorce, but here I am remarried for 14 years, so I guess I'd never say never.  But, I'm a lot older now.  I'm a lot more tired now.  I don't think I'd have any interest in learning to live with another man.  It's just as likely to be as bad as the first one, as it is to be as good as the second one.  And if it's not as good as it is with dh, it's not worth it.

[LucyStoner]

A few reasons:

1.  Concerns about co-parenting, disrupting my autistic sons' lives, financial considerations.

2.  My husband is amazing.  IME, most men are not.  Odds of finding someone 1/2 as amazing + a good fit for me seem slim.   

3. I don't think I like people enough to invest the amount of energy that forming a new marriage would take.  

4.  I'm closing in on 40 and I'm not interested in having any more kids.  

5.  Echoing Sneezyone, no one compares and it wouldn't be fair. 

Edited October 2, 2018 by LucyStoner

[Spryte]

My DH would always be the gold standard.

 

[Alte Veste Academy]

Just now, Sneezyone said:

I got it right the first time. I'm not sure it'd be fair to someone else to constantly be comparing them to my former DH or that I'd even want a replacement.

This is it exactly for me.

I don’t want different. Also, DH and I share our story, so much of the backstory of who I am now, who our kids are... Someone coming in after all those years seems like starting a book in the middle. Just not interested.

I would definitely join a book club and a quilting bee though. And get (even) more cats. LOL

[Joules]

I had true love and it turns out it wasn't real. I never want to go through heartbreak again. I'm not saying I won't remarry out of convenience, but I'd never let myself fall in love again.

[shawthorne44]

I am the one that said that I wouldn't even see anyone romantically until after DD was an adult.  After that I'd want to date and maybe even shack up with someone.   But, I don't think I'd marry again.  For one thing, anything DH and I built together needs to go to DD when we are both gone.  Yes, that can be taken care of in a will.  But, I wouldn't want the complications of being financially entwined with someone.   Sometimes I even regret sending in the marriage license.   Some things would have been easier if I hadn't.   I also don't think I'd want to commit to someone else.  

Thinking back, I've spent most of my life anti-marriage.  It started when I was a young adult.   I'd be cruising along happy with my life and the relationship I was in.  Then the guy would propose marriage.   A "NO" to a marriage proposal really wrecks a relationship.   But, then I met DH and he wanted marriage and kids with me.  I wanted marriage and kids with him.  We really are perfect for each other.   I don't think another guy could tempt me into marriage.   
 

[scholastica]

My dh is irreplaceable. No-one could ever measure up to him. He just set the bar too high.

[MeghanL]

While I love my DH dearly and he is awesome... I don't think I'd want the role of "wife" again if anything happened to him.

I think the reasons for getting married (child raising, homeschooling, financial security) would be obsolete the 2nd time around. I don't want more children, homeschooling years are coming to an end (or at least to the point where the kids aren't so needy that I literally need to run out of the house when DH gets home from work like when they were 5 and under) and we've set it up so either of us will be financially secure if something happens to the other.

Dating and then returning to my own space sounds much nicer ?

 

[Sneezyone]

Just now, texasmom33 said:

Same here. Well except the first time part.  But better late than never!!! 

 

I can't take credit for it. My across the street neighbour (like a second mom to me) lost her husband in a tragic accident some years ago. About 5 years after, I asked her if she would ever consider remarrying and she said, "No. I got it right the first time." I think I would have lots of wonderful, meaningful relationships if DH were gone. I'd continue to have/pursue those with friends and family but I would not want another spouse/marriage.

**I type this as I lay in bed hacking from a bad cold (which inevitable leads to bronchitis for me) while DH preps dinner after his work day.**

[livetoread]

My husband is wonderful, but I wouldn’t rule out finding someone else who was wonderful in a different way. I doubt I’d remarry though, because of the family and financial entanglements. I’m not even sure I’d want to live with someone else. Maybe live side by side or something. I love having companionship, and that would be what I was looking for.

[Ann.without.an.e]

My biggest hesitancy would be the fact that I have seen too much in life - so many great marriages go sour, so many men turn out to not be who they presented themselves to be, etc. I have a good marriage but I can't guarantee that to happen twice in a row.  I think I would be super hesitant.  I am older and not as trusting, I guess?

Also, marriage is like parenting, right?  Completely worth it and fully rewarding, but hard and a ton of work.  I feel like I finally know and understand my DH on a truly deep level after 21 years of marriage.  So many ups and downs along the way. I am not sure I would be quick to commit to do that all over again with someone else.  

 

[Pawz4me]

Financial reasons -- DH and I worked long and hard for what we have. I wouldn't want to risk that. Of course there's always a pre-nup, but . . there are still legal entanglements in any marriage, and I wouldn't want that.

I think I'd like being independent more than I'd need a partner.

I really don't think I'd want the responsibility/work of maintaining a relationship.

Since women generally live longer than men, unless I married a younger man the odds are I'd just end up being his caregiver.

Even though our boys are adult, I wouldn't want to disrupt our family. We're close. I wouldn't want to risk losing one single, tiny little bit of my boys because they might not feel totally comfortable around a new person.

I could probably think of several more reasons, but those are the ones that immediately spring to mind.

Caveat: I'm 55. I might think a lot differently if I were ten or twenty years younger.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just a rambling thought, is it in in our wiring (ie many women) that makes us say "marriage is great but one is enough" vs a man saying "marriage is great, I can't live without it"?  I feel like many women carry the burden of marriage heavier, as in, we get more emotionally invested.  A man is married to a woman and he might love her dearly but that doesn't mean he has the level of emotional investment that a woman often has, or at least from what I see.  I think that we as women tend wrap our own identity in that of our husband, we tangle the two together, etc.  I am not sure most men do this?  

[Joules]

7 minutes ago, Attolia said:

Just a rambling thought, is it in in our wiring (ie many women) that makes us say "marriage is great but one is enough" vs a man saying "marriage is great, I can't live without it"?  I feel like many women carry the burden of marriage heavier, as in, we get more emotionally invested.  A man is married to a woman and he might love her dearly but that doesn't mean he has the level of emotional investment that a woman often has, or at least from what I see.  I think that we as women tend wrap our own identity in that of our husband, we tangle the two together, etc.  I am not sure most men do this?  

Maybe? I also think women do the most work in a marriage: the relationship work, the housework, the parenting work, the practical work. Men mostly benefit from that. So once there is no promise of children, women balance the love of a relationship with all the work. I think men just see the love and support of the relationship with no downside.

[Annie G]

Dh and I have grown old together...raised kids, walked together through the deaths of our moms, faced his eight stents and double bypass. We’ve got a lot of history and I just think it would take me a long time to grieve. My sister’s dh has been gone 8 years and she’s nowhere near ready to move on to another guy.

And that aside, I have been, as a wife since 1980, the Keeper of Things. My children’s, my husband’s, my aging parents’ things, and my own things. I organized vacations,managed the budget,  handled the homeschooling, traipsed through holiday scheduling, kept dh organized when his career overwhelmed him, and took on so much during my mil’s dementia. I’m just....ready to be done being the keeper of things. With the kids grown and dh retiring from his longtime career in a matter of months, I’m finding time to just relax. I think starting a new relationship and doing the work a new marriage takes is just more than I want to take on. 

[fairfarmhand]

Because due to life insurance and good investments, I’ll be left a very wealthy widow and I’ve watched too much Perry mason.

[Scarlett]

12 minutes ago, Attolia said:

Just a rambling thought, is it in in our wiring (ie many women) that makes us say "marriage is great but one is enough" vs a man saying "marriage is great, I can't live without it"?  I feel like many women carry the burden of marriage heavier, as in, we get more emotionally invested.  A man is married to a woman and he might love her dearly but that doesn't mean he has the level of emotional investment that a woman often has, or at least from what I see.  I think that we as women tend wrap our own identity in that of our husband, we tangle the two together, etc.  I am not sure most men do this?  

I think it might be somewhat generally true, but not of my husband.  He is very emotionally involved.  His first wife nearly destroyed him when she divorced him.  I don't think he would want to be alone though....he says he would never remarry but I bet he would because he doesn't like being alone.  I on the other hand, don't mind it.  LOL.  My step dad had been married about 45 years when his first wife died.  He married my mom 11 months later.  He dearly loved his first wife.....my step sister said even after 6 months he couldn't speak her name without breaking down.  But he just didn't want to be alone.

[LMD]

My #1 reason would be for my kids. I will not ever have men flitting in and out of their lives. Even if they're grown, I won't do it to grandchildren. I just won't. If I ever have a companion it will be private and compartmentalized.

#2 - I think I would just want to do something different. I've done great marriage and I'm thankful. I don't want to do building a marriage again, but with new and different baggage. I'd rather put that energy into my kids, my community, my hobbies, a career...

Probably more but those are my initial thoughts.

[alisoncooks]

I don't think I'd remarry. I've been married since I was 19 -- we just had our 18th anniversary. We've spent the last 5 years fighting (and beating) DH's cancer. I'm just too tired to start over. 

Plus, I like having the bed to myself. 

[TechWife]

As I've become older, I'm confident in who I am, how I like to spend my time and my husband and I have a wonderful relationship. We have been married 25 years now, and I at this point, I think I'd be unlikely to want to start over at the beginning dealing with simple things like daily habits and moving on to more complex things. In other words, I am set in my ways and I think I'd rather just like being who I am.

 

[thessa516]

No, I wouldn't remarry. I'm married to my Soulmate. He's the only one for me.

[Supertechmom]

Nope,  I would want someone with benefits.   I dont want to be the relationship keeper, the taker carer of all things ever again.  I just want someone to knock boots with when I call.  Marriage is great but I've been at it for 27 yrs and just dont want to start that again.

[scrapbookbuzz]

I most likely wouldn't remarry. Not really sure how to explain it. Just a lot of reasons.

[Ausmumof3]

Most of my girlfriends say they wouldn’t marry again.  

I definitely wouldn’t with young kids.  There are some amazing step parents out there but an awful lot that aren’t.

I think I’d probably not at all.  There’s a lot of things I enjoy and don’t have time for that I’d probably want to pursue with grown kids and no husband. 

DH is much healthier than I am so most likely this will never become an issue.

[Elfknitter.#]

I don't know if I would remarry as it falls into the realm of anything is possible to me. Having said that, I would not actively be seeking another marriage. I do see myself seeking companionship-- but I don't think marriage is the only way to have that.

[Farrar]

I would totally remarry if it was right and dh were gone - especially if I were to lose him in the nearish future. But not another man. Men are difficult. And if dh were to pass away, I do think I'd be always comparing, as others have said.

[marbel]

I haven't read any responses.  

I don't know if I would remarry and quite honestly, I don't think anyone else does either.  I've known too many widows who said "he was the love of my life, I'm done" only to find someone who filled up at least some of the space left behind.  

And, my own life has been so full of unexpected changes, that I've come to realize it's foolish to say "I will never" about pretty much anything. 

[TravelingChris]

I have been married 33 years and we have been together 36.  Let alone that both my SS payments and survivor benefits all depend on me not getting remarried, I just don't see that as anything I would want to do.  I am 55, disabled, and really not interested in starting dating, especially as I never really did date-  I went out with three other guys before but that just meant hanging around and eating together in cafeteria, maybe going to library together to study, etc.  Never any traditional dates.  

I also do not think my kids would be happy with me remarrying just as they don't want my dh to remarry either.  I don't think my dh would remarry very quickly like some men do.  For one thing, he has traveled a lot in his work over the years so is used to be alone.  As he has gotten older, he seems to want to either be alone or with just me much more of the time.  Again, he hasn't dated either- even less than me, and I do not think he really relishes starting at his age.

[marbel]

29 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

I have been married 33 years and we have been together 36.  Let alone that both my SS payments and survivor benefits all depend on me not getting remarried, I just don't see that as anything I would want to do.  I am 55, disabled, and really not interested in starting dating, especially as I never really did date-  I went out with three other guys before but that just meant hanging around and eating together in cafeteria, maybe going to library together to study, etc.  Never any traditional dates.  

I also do not think my kids would be happy with me remarrying just as they don't want my dh to remarry either.  I don't think my dh would remarry very quickly like some men do.  For one thing, he has traveled a lot in his work over the years so is used to be alone.  As he has gotten older, he seems to want to either be alone or with just me much more of the time.  Again, he hasn't dated either- even less than me, and I do not think he really relishes starting at his age.

 

I've actually discussed this with my daughter.  A friend of hers was going through a tough time because her dad was remarrying a couple years after her mother died.  So there was context to me talking about it with my own kid. Basically we talked about how it seems that many men can't function well after the death of their wife so they tend to want to marry again and she shouldn't see it as some sort of disloyalty to me if this happened. Kids should not doom their parents to years of loneliness.(ETA: I am talking about adult children; I think in general people with young children should focus on them and not on their own love life.)  I also told her to be sure to give her dad relationship advice if it seems the woman is a loser.  :-) My husband and I have also had the conversation about protecting our kids' inheritance after hearing horror stories from friends in which their dad died after having remarried and all the family heirlooms and money went to the second wife/her kids. Actually he probably doesn't remember this but in a dramatic moment once I described the kind of person he should marry if he needed to again, and named someone we both knew who fit my criteria.  :-)  

Of course I will have no control after I'm dead, but we have had those conversations. 

Edited October 2, 2018 by marbel

[Jaybee]

I guess it's possible I might. But I don't think so. We have had a very rich and unusual life together. How could anybody ever understand who I really am without having insights into what I have lived--insights that could only be gained by living a very similar life? And that's not common. Then take the comfortable level of our relationship we have built and worked on for so many years. It seems like anything after that would seem pretty shallow. I don't think my kids would handle it well; they are older, so that's not a concern; they'd want me to be happy and not lonely--but I just think that inside, it would hurt them. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

I haven't read any responses.  

I don't know if I would remarry and quite honestly, I don't think anyone else does either.  I've known too many widows who said "he was the love of my life, I'm done" only to find someone who filled up at least some of the space left behind.  

And, my own life has been so full of unexpected changes, that I've come to realize it's foolish to say "I will never" about pretty much anything. 

Well I do agree with this.....but I feel so differently about this after being married to Dh than I did after my divorce from Xh.  

[Roadrunner]

I have been married my entire life to an amazing man. It has been great so far. If I were to be single again, I think I would want to try my hand at a single life. I know enough single people to sip the margaritas with me on the beach. I don’t think I would want to deal with anybody else. I don’t know. Freedom sounds good.

Edited October 2, 2018 by Roadrunner

[Teresa in MO]

By dh died very unexpectedly 2 years ago.  We married at 18 and were married for 38 years.  He truly was the love of my life.  I still view myself as his wife, if that makes any sense.  I agree with others that I've had the best and it would not be fair to compare, even though the loneliness is unbearable at times.

[Shoeless]

.

Edited October 4, 2020 by MissLemon

[Annie G]

8 minutes ago, Teresa in MO said:

By dh died very unexpectedly 2 years ago.  We married at 18 and were married for 38 years.  He truly was the love of my life.  I still view myself as his wife, if that makes any sense.  I agree with others that I've had the best and it would not be fair to compare, even though the loneliness is unbearable at times.

 

I totally get that. My sister married her dh in1970 when she was a few weeks shy of 18. He died in a surfing accident 8 years ago and she still thinks of herself as his wife. I was visiting a quilting class she teaches and someone asked if she’s married and she said yes, but it’s complicated.  He was the greatest guy- he was in my life since I was 8 years old. I still miss him and my sister is still so very lonely without him. I am so sorry for your loss.  And I think I’ll feel the same as you do if dh passes before I do. 

[G5052]

I have five friends who remarried. Two married great guys and are going strong. One had a rough go the first 5-7 years but is doing well now. And the other two are separated and are shell-shocked as to how this could happen again.

The other thing is that when you marry someone older, they come with all of the expectations and issues that come with living longer.You have to be willing to work through that. 

Makes you think. 

[mumto2]

No, honestly can't imagine going through old age with someone I would never really know.  It might be different if I was younger but at 55 I can't imagine combining my (really our) life with an outsider.

Also I learned from one of my mom's friends who decided to remarry in her mid sixties after being alone for a few years.  Two weeks after the wedding she found herself caring for a sick helpless belligerent jerk who she didn't really know......turned out he was actually close to broke so she got to support him too.  She thought she knew him!  Admittedly the stroke was unexpected ......... Anyway watching her was the a real lesson on why one should stay single after the death of a spouse!

[edelweiss]

1 hour ago, --- said:

Why?  Because I've had enough.  38 years here.  I've done my time.  That, and I seem to gravitate towards the not-so-great guys.  (to put it nicely  ;))   

Plus, I see men my age at the gym (62yo).  They're in pretty good shape.  Yet even those don't appeal to me.  They just look so ...  OLD.  lol

I can relate to a lot of this post (except for the gravitating to not-so-great guys-- I'm lucky in that regard).

I know that you should never say never, but I know that I would never marry again.  I have so many reasons-- my DH is a great guy and I don't think for a second that I could find anyone as good as him again.  We have significant assets that I would not be willing to share with another person-- I want to leave everything possible to my daughters.  I wouldn't want to integrate a new person into my family and I wouldn't be interested in integrating into another person's family.  I am just not willing to go through all of it again, especially for no good reason-- i.e. having and raising children, etc.

In addition, I am 49 now.  I am not attracted to any other men my age.  I can't imagine wanting to be intimate with another man now that I am older.  I have no interest in that at all.  

 

 

[readinmom]

For me, I would just want to spend the remaining part of my life with me.  Selfish, I know, but dh and I dated for 8 years, will be married 30 years in December.  He's an ingrained part of my life that could not be rewritten.

On the other hand, my ex-best friend (no other way to say that) wanted to divorce her dh, moaned about it for years.  All she wanted was to have her own life.  Then her dh was diagnosed with cancer, died within two weeks.  She joined the dating sites within two months, was married within 6 months.  She dumped all of her previous friends, anything to do with her previous life.  My family wasn't even invited to the wedding.  So when someone says that they want the solitary lifestyle, I'm not so sure that's what they really want.  Maybe they want the version of themselves they think they can be with someone new.  

Just my two cents...

[littlebug42]

My husband is my one and done.  There is no one who will love me the way he does (and vice versa) and I can't even imagine trying.  Honestly, I don't even want to try.  I certainly would never do it as long as my daughters are still at home.  

[lailasmum]

I can't imagine ever wanting to marry again. I personally haven't experienced marriage as a particularly positive thing partly because of that disbalance in who carries the weight of responsibility in making life work so I wouldn't do it again. I'm also very introverted and have found being so closely entangled with someone really quite trying, I wouldn't choose to live out my life that attached to another human if I could make the choice again. 

Edited October 2, 2018 by lailasmum

[J-rap]

I can't really imagine getting married again, but I wouldn't say never.  I think what my dh and I have is pretty special.  There's never been a day that we haven't been excited to be married.  We practically grew up together and have now experienced the majority of lives together.  We've been through a heck of a lot together.  We're more like two halves, and one whole only when together.  I'm quite certain it would be impossible to have that with anyone else.  We've shared years and years and years together, and children and ups and downs and have grown together so much.

That said, I love having a companion.  So I wouldn't say a remarriage was impossible if something were to happen to my dh.  But it would be a very different kind of marriage.

[lavender's green]

I love being married, and I married a good man. With hindsight I can see all the pitfalls of marrying young, or red flags that I didn't know to look for BUT I lucked out and got a great guy who would do anything for me. Every time something serious comes up, I see more clearly how we make a stellar team. We've grown up together and we've molded each other, just by being young and impressionable when we got married. Things are more set in stone now, and men who might be interested in me if I were widowed will also be set in their ways. There is no way we'd mold together the same way. Add in kids, blending families, and ugh. Oh, and I actually have financial assets to protect now, and if I don't protect them it affects my children, not just me.

Another thing is that I know a couple of men who are interested in children. They're totally nice, regular men who would probably not act on it. But if I know two men well enough to have actually heard them admit it, how many other men are like that? How many would act on it? What about when they're drunk, high, angry, horny, etc? No way would I expose my kids to the possibility of that. Because it happens. The statistics regarding step fathers are particularly bad.

 

[Garga]

16 hours ago, Joules said:

Maybe? I also think women do the most work in a marriage: the relationship work, the housework, the parenting work, the practical work. Men mostly benefit from that. So once there is no promise of children, women balance the love of a relationship with all the work. I think men just see the love and support of the relationship with no downside.

I certainly do more of the emotional work around here.  I honestly think it’s never crossed my dh’s mind to reflect on his parenting style.  He just wings it as he goes.  I am more deliberate in how I do things with the kids, consiously creating memories or consiously picking my words to show support for them and whatnot.  

16 hours ago, Annie G said:

Dh and I have grown old together...raised kids, walked together through the deaths of our moms, faced his eight stents and double bypass. We’ve got a lot of history and I just think it would take me a long time to grieve. My sister’s dh has been gone 8 years and she’s nowhere near ready to move on to another guy.

And that aside, I have been, as a wife since 1980, the Keeper of Things. My children’s, my husband’s, my aging parents’ things, and my own things. I organized vacations,managed the budget,  handled the homeschooling, traipsed through holiday scheduling, kept dh organized when his career overwhelmed him, and took on so much during my mil’s dementia. I’m just....ready to be done being the keeper of things. With the kids grown and dh retiring from his longtime career in a matter of months, I’m finding time to just relax. I think starting a new relationship and doing the work a new marriage takes is just more than I want to take on. 

I do get tired of my workload, but my dh does do the yardwork, car and home maintenance, and bill paying.  I am so grateful he does those things and think to myself that if he was gone, taking on all that would be overwhelming to me.  I’m not sure I’d marry a man just so he could be my gardener and handyman, though.  ? I’d figure out how to handle it for myself. 

13 hours ago, marbel said:

I haven't read any responses.  

I don't know if I would remarry and quite honestly, I don't think anyone else does either.  I've known too many widows who said "he was the love of my life, I'm done" only to find someone who filled up at least some of the space left behind.  

And, my own life has been so full of unexpected changes, that I've come to realize it's foolish to say "I will never" about pretty much anything. 

I’ve thought to myself, “Never,” but I also realize that I can’t know for sure.  

11 hours ago, edelweiss said:

 

In addition, I am 49 now.  I am not attracted to any other men my age.  I can't imagine wanting to be intimate with another man now that I am older.  I have no interest in that at all.  

 

 

This is me now.  I’m just not attracted to men (or women) at this point.  I’ve thought, “If my dh was gone, is there anyone I would want to have tEa with,” and the answer is a resounding, “Ew.”  Maybe that sort of thing changes when you’re alone, but I’m just not interested in the men around me close to my age.  

4 hours ago, lailasmum said:

I can't imagine ever wanting to marry again. I personally haven't experienced marriage as a particularly positive thing partly because of that disbalance in who carries the weight of responsibility of making life work so I wouldn't do it again. I'm also very introverted and have found being so closely entangled with someone really quite trying, I wouldn't choose to live out my life that attached to another human if I could make the choice again. 

I worry that I’d choose poorly.  That I’d fall in gooey blind love and not see the red flags before it was too late.  And I really like silence when I’m at home.  Right now, I think I’d enjoy sitting home alone a lot.  But perhaps if that was my reality, I’d hate it after a year or so.  

It’s just so hard to tell.  It would be So Much Work to forge a life with someone else.  They’d have to be something else, for sure.  And I’m not even sure I know what I’d want.  I’d be flailing around trying to figure out what I wanted from a man at this point in life.

Edited October 2, 2018 by Garga

[Ravin]

If DH died, I'd not go looking for another spouse, but wouldn't be opposed to the universe dropping the right partner(s) into my life. Whether that led to legal marriage would have more to do with our economic circumstances, whether said partner(s) are already married, and any personal preferences or convictions they had about marriage.

I'd probably suggest DH's GF adopt my kids as their second parent, to provide them stability and security if something happened to me, and because she's been parenting them along with DH and I for the last 11 years, and we might well continue to keep a household together, but she'd have zero interest in marrying me (she has zero interest in remarrying anyone, including DH, even if I dropped dead or divorced him to make way for her to do so).