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Everything posted by Joules

  1. I wouldn’t. I don’t think being locked in a room away from family for part of the day (when you can hear them out there) is in any way equivalent to being alone for a work day. Instead, once this is lifted, I’d try to be out a little more each day (even if you just drive around a bit or take a long walk) so she gets used to the idea that every time you leave you come back.
  2. We would lose earnest money and all of the fees owed to the bank, lawyers, agents, etc. but I think we can back out until April 3rd. I’m struggling with “Should we?” Do we stay the course, knowing this place is nearly perfect and this is right move in the long run? Do we take the chance that this will be a really bad year, but we’ll come out the other side in a much better place?
  3. So this is a distraction for everyone, I’ll delete the details so don’t quote. WWYD: You are done homeschooling, last child graduating from college, time to downsize from the HUGE house in the exurbs to a tiny downtown condo close to everything that an aging couple needs (lowering commute, close to hospitals, no maintenance, etc.) Bonus is that there will be bedroom for ds in a vibrant city as he launches his career. Selling enormous house will return enough equity to pay off condo, so monthly cost will not include mortgage. Given the work on house and timing, you decided to put an offer in on the perfect thing before putting enormous house on market, because you knew it would be easy to sell (best schools, best county, fliers in mailbox each spring asking if we are ready to sell, etc.) You had savings to float a few months of both knowing this would be the best move in the long run. Then the pandemic hits! Closing is April 3rd! Worst case: Dh or I (or both) lose our jobs, we are still working as we have the ability to work from home. We can’t sell our house and have two mortgages which can’t be sustained indefinitely without using retirement (which is less than it should be due to being practically single income through homeschooling.) Middling: Given the new housing market, we will have paid too much for the new place and will likely get less for the old and may not be able to pay off the whole condo mortgage. Best case: The pandemic has people fleeing to the exurbs and they are willing to pay what we expected to get out of the house. Long term we are in a much better financial situation with a more sustainable lifestyle heading into retirement. Bonus for those who remember the year we had two mortgages for over a year and a layoff in 2008 when we had the exact same awful timing.
  4. Ds is fine with it, as he is an extreme introvert, but his university is postponing. No data, but when it is safe. Maybe yours will do the same and it can be a mini reunion for them
  5. I’d like the universities to lighten up. I’m not saying drop rigor, but cut back on unnecessary assignments, make things a little easier. Don’t worry as much about getting everything in. These kids are traumatized worrying about their grandparents, their parents, the elders in their community, their future. They really only have so much non-primal brain to work with right now. Having taught in the university, I know the pressure to get in everything for the pre-req, but I question how much they will retain anyway, they’ll have some serious review to do in the fall in any case. Be kind to them right now.
  6. My ds graduates from college in 6 weeks. Everything has changed and it is scary. I have faith he will weather it and find his place, but it’s not going to be what these new grads were expecting.
  7. Me too! I was just telling ds that I think we must be primed for that, like fear of snakes.
  8. When you frame it as an affair, it makes sense, but it could easily be seen the other way...and I speak with some experience here. He has been very stressed with work, even considered moving. It's affected him sleep-wise and emotionally. He may feel trapped and depressed, and this may concern him even more because of family history. BUT he's the man, he's the strong one, he should be able to handle this. He's embarrassed. Worse, you are probably busy and stressed caring for little ones and the last thing he wants to do is put the burden on you that he is at the breaking point, that he is about to suggest that you pick up and move (and we all know it's the mom that does all the work in that scenario!) And then he can't remember his own child's name. He comes out with something random and can't even explain it to himself. He is freaked out. Thirty seconds with blank mind is terrifying (I know this from personal experience.) And he's thinking, now you know, you are going to realize how bad it's gotten. It's awful, but on the other hand, maybe now it means he can open up to you. There is no way to hide it. So suddenly you are hearing the depths of his stress. It's hard to say which scenario is more likely, but I would consider all options. If my thoughts are true, it might really break him to realize that with everything else falling apart that you don't trust him anymore. And on the list of medical things, if he is getting a physical, makes sure he gets checked for a UTI.
  9. I have just skimmed the replies. I agree about the fostering, and it sounds like you do too. One thing I want to add is to suggest you just never tell your dd that you are doing this because of her behavior. I can't see any way that that doesn't equate homeschooling to punishment. And, particularly if you are committed for the longterm, she will ever feel like she is not good enough or well behaved enough to "get" to go back to school! (BTW, this behavior is often fatigue and you'll see it after a long homeschool field trip, too.) As to how and when? I would start homeschooling as soon as school lets out. (Call it summer school/camp if you wish!) Join a homeschool group or two and participate in their activities all summer long. Meet the community. Join the dance, sports, acting, etc. classes that the homeschoolers frequent. Do lots of fun educational stuff at home. Help your kids make friends in the homeschool community. Then when fall comes, tell them that you've enjoyed this family schooling concept so much that you are going to keep doing it instead of splitting up and going back to regular school. ETA: And if the summer is totally exhausting and you are ready for your kids to go back to school, send them and re-consider the homeschooling life in a year or two.
  10. I definitely think you should own the house, but...In our situation, we bought a house and my parents paid rent. (It wasn't theirs originally, it was new to all of us.) Our big mistake was that it was a bigger house than we needed and it's a financial strain to manage it without them. If they had both passed, inheritance would have paid it off. In our case, my mom passed and I cared for my dad for nearly four years (and couldn't work), but it became more than I could handle, so he is in a home. All of his monthly income (and part of his savings) goes to the facility each month, so we are on our own. We need to sell, but it is a really bad time for us and it has become "home" to us. Our HOA doesn't allow renters, and I'm in no mental state to share the house with anyone else anyway. It's awful all the way around. All that to say, make sure you can comfortably afford the house without their portion of the rent.
  11. We use rate my professor. The numbers are not as helpful as reading the reviews. Some things that ds loves in a prof are things that other students hate, so he really has to read all the reviews. I find it is most helpful if you make sure to read the reviews for the class you are taking. The same prof might have vastly different reviews for 1001 intro bio and 3000-level genetics. Also some classes are just hard and the profs ratings suffer. You are unlikely to see a 5.0 physics prof.
  12. I have to defend us Southerners! We use "Bless Your Heart" in multiple ways and most of the time it is the first below, a sincere expression. Once people learned of the other way, they think that is all we mean...LOL! As a note, think of it like languages that use different tones to make the same word mean different things. Though not a feature of English, I think it occurs at times in "Southern" English. From Wikipedia
  13. Overall, the demonization of people based on their religion, race, or ethnicity is becoming more and more acceptable in a society that thought it was past all that after WWII. As we bring that back, anti-Semitism comes along with anti-____.
  14. I wouldn't tell anyone, since we don't have to in my state. I would suddenly get a job as CEO of a new foundation funded by "anonymous" donors. My foundation would use the money as an endowment and take grant applications for the earnings. I would spent the rest of my life reading grant applications and funding worthy projects. I'd get paid enough to live a decent life, pay off debt, and travel (probably meeting with grant applicants), but I don't need to be rich. I bought my ticket at a bodega that has homeless people living around it. They scrape up what they can get to buy lottery tickets and hope. I'd love it if I could make that type of life non-existent, at least in my little part of the world.
  15. I think that may be exactly the problem! I've definitely seen that in Christianity, but hadn't thought about it in other circumstances. At the least there is a communication issue of what it means, and y'all are getting it third (or fourth) in the telephone game.
  16. Yeah, mine's nearly over and I'm still coming to terms with that myself. I think the key to the other situation is the bolded. They just aren't on the same page. A feels like he has a higher truth, B wants more from a marriage than indifference. We both haven't had a real job in 20 years which makes the details really hard to work out. It's hard to be stuck with a spouse that isn't in love with you anymore, because staying together is the only financially feasible option.
  17. To the first bolded, no, I didn't mean that. I just meant the difficultly when Spouse A says, "Yeah, I love you, but no more than anyone else." I meant that makes Spouse B sad and wondering whether to stay, not dependent. As to the second, "non-attachment" is the word used by the religion, not mine. I'm just trying to understand. As far as I can tell it's more seeing marriage as "this is working right now for both parties, when it doesn't we split." versus a "in sickness, in health, til death" sort of philosophy. From my perspective, I have no problem with divorce, but I think it's hard for your spouse to have a "Whatever" attitude, if you didn't start with that. On the other hand, it's probably more honest, because most marriages don't last (and probably even more shouldn't). I'm not even entirely sure if Spouse B should be hurt or upset, though I understand completely why. To everyone, I do apologize for so poorly communicating. I just want to see things through the eyes of others.
  18. Thanks! That seems like the natural progression to me (except A isn't the least bit interested in counseling). B would like to try to come around, but it just seems like a hard shift. Without adopting the whole of a religion, how do you just accept that your spouse is no longer attached to you, when that is the crux of what a marriage was to you? (The children are adults so there is no issue there.)
  19. I'm not the best person to answer, "What does this look like?" is the question I was asking, albeit poorly. Jean's link is good. This is from the link: I think there is a traditional (Judea-Christian?) idea that the spouses hold a special place in each others' lives. This idea dilutes that and makes it uncomfortable for someone who is still in those values from another tradition. I have no value judgement on the whole thing, it's just we grow up with, and possibly marry with, one view, and it can rock someone's world to try to cope with another view.
  20. Not at all, I’m not communicating well. Which happens when one is trying to share very little detail. I’m not disparging a perspective of love at all, and I’m not even sure if everyone who adheres to a non-attachment philosophy applies it to marriage. Here’s the deal. A converts to this sort of non-attachment philosophy. Spouse, B, is trying to understand as this detachment is painful. It’s in B’s best interest to learn about and understand this new form of love and figure out if a marriage in this new paradigm is right for her.
  21. I definitely know many happy arranged marriages. It's more the non-attachment that I wonder about. When you don't come from a culture of non-attachment but a culture of marriage as security (which many arranged marriages do), it seems hard to transition that mindset.
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