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About omishev

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    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

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  1. Thank you for your thoughts. He has his ups and downs and definitely during the downs we don't need any additional stressors.
  2. I don't want the kids to be treated like that.
  3. I teach a night class one night a week at the local university and get home in time to put the kids to bed. One time we got out early so I went to the gym on campus and was still back home at the normal time. He was upset because I could have come home early and didn't.
  4. Thank you! I think it is really hitting me right now because this is the first time in 7 years I haven't been nursing. I thought I would have a lot more freedom once I stopped nursing and not much has changed.
  5. I teach a night class one night a week at the local university. I am home in time to help put the kids to bed. He has a hard time and is very stressed when I'm gone but it has been good for him to understand what I do all day.
  6. He would say something like, "But I have to do xyz. The weekends are my only time." They watch TV most of the time I'm gone. I come home to clothes, toys and books all over the place and a sink full of dishes.
  7. I appreciate you being gentle about it. If it doesn't go well he gets upset because he thinks he does contribute and I'm not appreciating the things he does. If it goes well, he is all on board, and I believe his heart is in the right place but he has a hard time following through. Many times a year he resolves to do xyz but his motivation quickly fizzled out.
  8. He won't brush teeth because it's a pain. Early on he did not discipline so the kids don't respect him (he has since come a long way in expecting obedience but the damage is done) and things get out of hand fast. He loses his temper with them when he is on his own and is plagued by guilt for days.
  9. Thank you for your response. He is not willing to do counseling, because of the cost and because the status quo is fine with him. Things aren't that bad. I do try to foster an attitude of contentment because being unhappy isn't helping the situation. And I am continually trying to work on my approach when I have to bring up issues.
  10. I don't view him as a babysitter but I think he might?? He can come home from work and say he's going out to mow the lawn or going running. If he walked in the door and I said I was doing anything other than watching the kids (without scheduling it in advance and reminding him during the day), I can't imagine the response! He makes the assumption that he has free time to do whatever he wants when he isn't at work. Now, often he chooses to spend that time with the kids, and that is awesome, but he views it as a choice. If I want to do anything I need to get it cleared ahead of time. He is always home for dinner we always put the kids to bed together, but he usually stands around watching the process or wrestling with them. If I specifically ask him to do something he might do it (but sometimes says no) and if I routinely ask him to do that same thing he might get to the point where he does it without me asking. After years of training he now is in the routine of contributing to getting get the kids ready for church. But he does not look around and see what needs to be done. He does not look at his weekend and think, "my wife might need an hour or two without the kids to get something done" and plan accordingly. If I have a legitimate obligation and give him notice he is happy to do something with the kids but I can't just say "can I have an hour to organize the basement?" and certainly not something frivolous like going shopping or working on a sewing project. Whatever he has to do is always more important.
  11. I have read several blog posts that were shared by friends on facebook. The main point is equality in parenting and while I think some of the finer points are impractical (especially for nursing moms) overall that is a good goal to work towards as a society. However, telling that to moms isn't particularly helpful. If Daddy blogs were a big thing this message should be all over them! But reminding me that I "should" be receiving more help only breeds discontentment. A few years ago my friend shared her experience visiting an Indian family and it was very powerful. The mom did not sit and eat dinner with the family. It was their custom for mom to serve the meal, feed the kids etc and eat afterwards. In my current stage of life I spent most of the meal nursing or spoon feeding a baby, cutting food for the toddler, running to the kitchen to get someone seconds or condiments, utensils, water, washcloths etc. Effectively, I was doing the same thing this Indian mother was doing, serving her family and eating later. But the difference was in our attitudes. She was content because her expectations were met. I was very discontent because I expected to sit and eat dinner with my family, despite years of experiencing otherwise.
  12. I think it was a mom whose husband doesn't help much and needed to vent haha!
  13. I wouldn't use the term "babysit" but I do say "will you watch the kids?"
  14. I may step on some toes here but I want to suggest a different view. I have read a various renditions of this theme, moms speaking out for equality in parenting. I agree with the title. Being Dad is an extremely important role and it is insulting to refer to him as a babysitter. But he does deserve the same courtesies I give a babysitter. He is not here all day. He doesn't know what happens when. I want to set him up for success so I give him their schedules. It would be cruel NOT to tell Dad when to feed the baby or when to put the toddler down for a nap. I do the same thing for my mom who I'm sure does an even better job with the kids than I do myself. As far as being free to leave home, I think both sides should be courteous to give the other notice when they are going to leave. But honestly, it is not a big deal to me if he leaves. I do this all day every day. I'm good at it, not that it is always easy, but this is my normal. I don't really need notice. To him, it is a huge deal to be on his own. It is really hard for him. Practice will make it easier but as long as the kids are young, he will always be stressed when I leave. For families in which both parents work full time outside the home, it absolutely makes sense to be equal because both parents have roughly equal time with the kids. You are equally experienced. I got myself into this. I wanted to hold my NBs all the time. I exclusively breastfed and didn't want to pump. I rarely had reason to leave so I didn't. The babies always wanted me and, most of the time, I liked them wanting me. One more point then I am done my rant. Many moms would like to have dad participate more in the practical daily activities of raising children but many find themselves married to a man who is not willing to do so. Reading such posts only breeds discontentment, as no amount of nagging is going to change it. Has anyone ever seen significant long-lasting improvement with a heart-to-heart talk? Probably no. Best case scenario, he agrees in theory and resolves to do better but doesn't actually produce much lasting change. More likely, he gets offended that you think he isn't helping enough. Ultimately, there are things we can do to encourage or discourage our husbands from helping but ultimately, it is not something moms have control over so it is best not to be preoccupied with the ideal of equality in parenting.
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