OCD does have a very strong genetic component. My husband has OCD, and every one of our children has experienced OCD symptoms--some have mild symptoms, some debilitating symptoms. And of course for each individual the manifestation and severity of symptoms varies over time. Regarding parental grief over a child's disability--it runs deep, and it will recur again and again over the years as might-have-beens and reality clash.

OCD is a condition that does not usually resolve over time. I would be very, very wary of saying anything in front of your daughter that could make her distrust medication or think she should be able to function without it or that it would be better for her to wean off. That is already an extremely common mindset in people dealing with mental illness, and it is usually a very destructive one that causes years of unnecessary pain and suffering for them and the people around them. Reinforcing such a mindset in a child seems like a way to set her up for a lot of failure and pain in her future. If you have a medication that is working with minimal side effects, what an incredible blessing that is. Imagine the long-term impact on the life of your daughter and of your family had you not found an effective medication and had she continued to be as non-functional as she was without it? What kind of long-term, ingrained pathways would her brain be wiring in as she grows, with such irrational thought patterns driving her emotions and behavior? There are very serious side effects to not medicating a condition that truly benefits from medication. I know very well that medications are not a magic bullet with no downsides, but mental illness itself has extremely destructive downsides--if we have the means to mitigate those, we sometimes have to accept that those means are imperfect. I have a sister who suffered from childhood cancer requiring surgery and chemotherapy. Living her life with only one kidney and with the long-term impacts of chemotherapy is not ideal--but the treatment was necessary and overall the balances weighed and continue to weigh in favor of treatment. OCD can take over a human brain in a way not too dissimilar from cancer. If treating it comes with some downsides but those downsides are outweighed by the benefits derived, you don't want to give a kid experiencing such a situation reason to view the treatment as a negative.

You should be fine going to work if she doesn't have a fever and is eating and drinking fine, which it sounds like she is. Those aren't orders, they are recommendations. I don't think I have ever in my life followed discharge recommendations for myself or any family member with exactness.

I just saw this today and came over to see if it had been discussed here. The ACT and SAT seem to grow ever more similar to each other.

There's a lot of anxiety and probably some depression at play. Those things exist outside the bounds of religion.

Regarding whether you really want something or not, you can't know without trying it. And yes, every choice we make closes other doors. We have to choose to just acknowledge that and accept it.

I don't think you can be happy and fulfilled by making a plan to be happy and fulfilled. Have you been content drifting along, raising your kids, supporting your husband, teaching, doing medical missions? Aside from the restless brain that looks for negatives, are you pretty happy with life? I know that sounds like a bit of a contradiction, but the restless brain is what it is. It's going to keep spinning its wheels and worrying no matter what you do. How about the part of you that isn't wheel-spinning?

We use google's version, it works fine.

You can get pretty warn out being the safe grownup/emotional punching bag to another grownup. It's not sustainable. I agree that you are going to need to have some serious conversations with him. And yes, they are going to be uncomfortable. And will probably require multiple iterations. If he is truly a good man, he will stop burying his head in the sand and start working on the things he needs to work on to become a genuine and safe partner.

This is very well said. My very challenging marriage has survived and has in fact improved over the years because my husband, in spite of his disregulation and abusive behavior, is a person with real underlying humility and a genuine desire to be a good husband, a good father, a good person. He hasn't given up on trying, I haven't given up on him, and our marriage has grown in positive ways over the years. In his case, finding effective mental health treatments has been critical, but as those have kicked in his ability to reflect and develop insight into himself have also improved and that has helped him develop better coping skills and relational skills beyond what medication and TMS could do. There has been real trauma for me and our children along the way though; it has been an incredibly difficult path.

This is not physically unsafe, but it is creating an emotionally unsafe environment for you--which you are recognizing when you worry about what may happen if something like menopause makes it harder for you to maintain the very tight emotional control and self regulation that is required to not rock the ship and trigger abuse from him. You aren't being given room to be a full person with emotions and needs and a desire for open connection in your own home.

The book is helpful for any situation where you find yourself pushed to tiptoe around someone else's emotional volatility. My husband wouldn't meet a BPD diagnosis but his emotional fragility and volatility absolutely resulted in similar dynamics. It's been more than a decade since I read Stop Walking on Eggshells but I remember finding it helpful.

Is there something going on with him like neurodivergence or mental health struggles? Unhealthy styles of relating can be the result of poor coping mechanisms in someone whose brain is overwhelmed. My husband is, at his core, a profoundly good person. He has also been extremely overwhelmed by life through most of our marriage, and that has come out in abusive and harmful behaviors. In his case, finding more effective treatments and resources to help him better understand his own experience (he has finally come to recognize that he is autistic after a couple of our kids were diagnosed) has allowed him to be more regulated and more his true self.

Emotional abuse is a persistent pattern (can be intermittent, with periods of much better treatment) of behavior that pushes you to be smaller as a person, to take up less of the world psychologically, emotionally, relationally. Manipulation to get you to behave the way another person wants is abuse. Manipulative behavior can be framed as thoughtfulness, kindness, and caring about your well-being--it isn't any of those things if it is pushing you to be and do only what the other person wants. Controlling via threats, aggressiveness, or withholding of resources or affection is abuse. Putting you down, judging harshly, shaming, name-calling or swearing at you are abuse.

Even if he is trying to quit, the chances of it sticking are very slim. It's not as easy as just deciding. And there's a good chance he isn't really even trying to quit, just to make you think he is.