Jump to content


Janie Grace

  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Janie Grace

  1. Target doesn't carry DDD. LE has one DDD option. But thanks.
  2. Big on top (DDD) and small on bottom (size 0-2 pants). One-piece suits are out of the question and I'd really like a find a bikini with a high-rise bottom. They look cute/old-fashioned and I'm not that excited about baring my whole middle. But this search feels IMPOSSIBLE. Bottoms are too big (as in, "we don't carry smaller than a 4"). Tops for DDD cups are too revealing (I don't need it to be super-modest, I just don't like the overflowing look). Does anyone have any ideas for a website that carries a really wide variety of mix & match tops and bottoms?
  3. So would you bring it up to your sister? I'm PISSED. I don't want to make a big scene and I also don't want to act like she's required to go through me. I don't know how to communicate "this feels sneaky and weird and how would YOU like it?!" without sounding crazy.
  4. I think it's odd because I have had phone/text contact with my sister since she extended these invitations and she hasn't mentioned them. So that makes me feel like it's secretive or something. She went and saw dd when she visited me and when I asked about their time, she was dodgy in terms of answering. I don't know but I feel like perhaps dd is questioning some of our beliefs and this aunt represents an extreme alternative view; perhaps my sister feels a bit awkward about that. (This is just my hypothesis but I think there's a good chance it's accurate.) So I guess it feels weird because of that underlying dynamic... I could see inviting a 19yo niece/nephew to come visit but I would DEFINITELY mention it to the sibling (their parent) in next conversation. To not mention it seems like concealing it.
  5. Yes. Their worldview (and their world itself) is very, very different from ours.
  6. My dd is 19 and a college sophomore. Recently my sister was visiting from across the country. She didn't mention anything to me about this, but dd informed me that my sister invited her to come to her house for spring break (my sister would pay). And then just today, dd informed me that my sister has invited her to spend the whole summer (and has her excited about internships she may be able to set up). I think it's strange that my sister wouldn't talk to me about this first. Not asking permission but running it by me. I know dd is an "adult" but still... it feels weird. Would this bother you?
  7. Do you know anyone raising a child without assigning it a gender? I have a sibling who is doing this. Sibling is gay and lives in a very progressive part of the country. The child has female genitalia but my sibling and partner gave the child a name that could be either gender. They dress the child so that you wouldn't know she's a girl and keep her hair very short. They have been referring to the kid as "she" and "her" but suddenly have decided to use "they" (child just turned 3). The family is coming to visit soon and I'm sure we are all going to forget and offend them by using "she" because that's what we have been doing for 3 years. But we will try our best. I'm trying to state this all as impassively as I can because I want to be sensitive. But I am really struggling. I agree that we shouldn't push kids into gender stereotypes, that there are lots of ways to be a boy or a girl, and that if a child persistently experiences being in the wrong body, I agree with lovingly facilitating transition. But to not even allow a child a pronoun like everyone else? This kid is in a preschool of boys and girls and isn't allowed to be either? How is that good? (Although given the demographic, maybe there are other "they"s.) My sibling thinks that by age 4 or 5, the child will tell the parents what gender they are. Can a young child really just "pick"? This feels like a weird social experiment. I am sorry if this offends you. I am really just wrestling through this. I love my niece more that I can say (I guess I am supposed to use "nibling" now, not niece) and I just fear for what the fallout of this will be. I'm frustrated with what feels like pushing extreme beliefs on a child, and I am worried that the kid will grow up confused and isolated. ? ETA: I am evaluating my feelings more and I think part of my struggle is sadness at how this makes us feel all the more divergent in our thinking/choices/world views. I love this sibling so much but each year that goes by makes me feel like we are from different planets. And yet we get closer in some ways. I guess I'm afraid this "they not she" thing will drive a wedge because I won't remember and don't understand. Of course I would never argue it with my sibling; their family, their rules. It just makes me sad the way that seeing extreme legalism (girls may not go to college) on the other side of the family does. But I know we are all trying our best...
  8. We don't have immediate plans to move. But I do know that starting a business is dh's dream and that we would probably need to move out of the area to do so. We have lived in our current town for almost 8 years and it feels like home to all of us; we love living here. I get emotional thinking about leaving all of our familiar people and places but I think I could do it if A. it would mean the fulfillment of a dream for dh and B. it would mean more financial security. However, I am worried about what it looks like with kids who are teens and in schools. I know it happens all the time but I was in the same school district 1st-12th grades so it's hard for me to imagine. How long does it take a middle schooler to adjust to a new school/town/state? A high schooler? How do you know if it would be disastrous to uproot your kids? How do you help them adjust? And then there is college -- we have one kid paying in-state tuition and probably another soon. Is there any way for them to establish residency? Ugh, it makes my head hurt to think of it. Any input welcome!
  9. We have a medical-sharing plan and so I am trying to be as careful as possible about medical bills. I've been putting something off for a while that I think really needs to be addressed. Back in May, I had a pedicure. The guy who did it cut me (or something) on the outer side of my big toe. It almost felt like there was a splinter in there or something... like it wasn't just a cut/nick but there was some tiny bit of foreign matter in there. But I was crazy busy getting the family ready for an out-of-state wedding so just put some Neosporin on it and ignored it. Fast forward to now. There's still a round lump in the spot where it happened. It is tender and the tenderness has spread into my toe itself. The toe is slightly swollen. No redness just uncomfortable, especially after I exercise. It seems like I should get it looked at. Who do I see? A podiatrist? Primary care? Orthopedist? Any ideas about what the heck this could be?
  10. It seems like most of you say "if my dh died, I would not remarry." I'm curious about why. So... why? ? As for me, I would want to be single for a good long while (to make sure I'm not jumping into anything dumb) but I think I'd remarry if the right one came along. I like being married and I think I'm wired for that kind of companionship. Same goes for dh if something happened to me.
  11. I had a partial hyst 2.5 years ago (kept my ovaries). At the time, I didn't know that women who have partial hysterectomies often experience early peri-menopause (the ovaries are there but were sufficiently disrupted by surgery to kick things into gear). I started experiencing night sweats about a year ago, at age 42. I was also quite depressed/anxious for that time, although that coincided with our first child leaving for college, so it's hard to parse that out. The night sweats have stopped but now I have almost constant br*ast tenderness and my hair is thinning. Plus I have that thing where you wake up at 3:00 and are just wide awake. According to my gyn, I am in peri-menopause. He didn't take blood but he said that's what these symptoms mean. He is recommending I consider estradiol. I winced at the mention of hormones and he said that the study showing a link to breast cancer was faulty, that actually you have a lower chance of breast cancer on estradiol. In addition, it protects against osteoporosis and heart disease and maybe Alzheimer's. It can also decrease the unpleasant effects of peri-menopause (the ones I have mentioned). So I guess I want to know -- what have you heard about it? What have you chosen in terms of treating early peri-menopause? I'm usually a very "natural" person and obviously menopause is a natural part of life. However, it happening this early is not (it's a result of the surgery, which I don't regret because I was bleeding a dangerous amount due to fibroids). But I am wondering if I should be protecting myself against the risks of going through peri-menopause/menopause this young. (My mom and her sister were both 60 when their periods stopped!) Finances are an issue in this too. We have a cost-sharing plan (like Samaritan) and I don't think this would be covered. So that could be the deciding factor there if it's astronomically expensive.
  12. Thanks, all. I honestly didn't know if was acceptable to send a card without a check/gift. I felt like my only polite options were to go (and bring a nice gift) or not go (and send a nice gift), so that's why I was stymied. If it's a general rule that you don't have to send a gift, I'm fine to believe the best and move on. I have been misunderstanding this for so many years!!!
  13. We lived in a certain place for a year and a half. During that time, we got to know a family at church who had two young adult daughters who were very sweet. They baby-sat for us some and we were quite friendly with the whole family (got together a handful of times). We moved about an hour away and didn't stay in touch. It has been almost 8 years since we moved. We just received an invitation to the oldest daughter's wedding. This is so strange to me. We have only heard about the relationship through the grapevine and social media. Like I said, we have not had ANY personal contact since moving. It is hard for me not to think they don't expect us to come (and want a gift) but then I'm appalled at myself for thinking this. So please help me... why were we invited? Would you invite someone to your or your child's wedding that you had known such a short time and then not made any effort to keep contact with? I'm a bit baffled.
  14. Thanks everyone. First of all, I admit I'm a wimp when it comes to letting people down, especially my sister. Part of it is personality (I'm an enneagram 2, if that helps anyone). Part of it is our history (very emotionally unstable household, I was her surrogate parent; she tells people "my sister raised me"). Part of it is her -- she has cut off two close female relatives already. Granted, those were far more extreme cases than their not being willing to host her for as long as she wants but still... I think that exerts power over me, even though I'm 99.9% sure she'd never cut me out of her life. These are not good excuses not to stick up for myself, I am just explaining a bit of the backstory. I am definitely not proposing that I only let her stay 2 nights. If close family is coming from the opposite side of the country, I don't expect to only host them for a weekend. I'm just saying that going beyond that taxes me a lot. But I think part of this is because of HOW I host. I am basically available all waking hours, cooking/fixing all meals, providing all entertainment, being "up." For whatever reason (upbringing maybe), this is how I think of overnight hospitality... kind of like being a B&B operator and BFF at the same time. This thread has helped me see that I can and should change this. Breakfast can be mostly "on your own" (I will provide good options for them and probably cook once or twice but that's it). I will see the kitchen as for their use rather the place from which I serve them. And even though it feels really weird, I think it *is* okay (and good for me) to pick times (like when their kid is napping) to pop off to the library or coffee shop and work (or not work!) for the sake of my own sanity. I liked the idea of going to bed at 9:00 too. I also plan to ask if they can spend the night in this other city when they visit the friends there. I don't know how to word that without sound inhospitable but maybe something like "now that __ is a year older, do you think she'd be okay to spend the night in ___ when you go? That would be a bit easier on us in terms of the evening and morning craziness..." Or something. I really don't know how to say it. I'm honestly in awe that so many of you have no qualms about simply speaking your mind without fear of hurting other people. I'm not being snarky or passive aggressive; I just do not live in a world like that. My husband is super sensitive to offending others too, so I guess we don't have a balancing factor in our marriage. We tend to overcommit as a result, but we are getting better. He helped me say no to someone recently who wanted to stay with us just because we have company the following weekend and I *knew* it would be too much for me two weekends in a row. But it was HARD to say no.
  15. Can you afford to hire help now that you're working? We have someone come every other week. It is a stretch for us but it is SO WORTH IT.
  16. I'm pretty sure they do live in an echo chamber by choice. I feel like we are their big step outside it.
  17. Thanks everyone! I think that one big takeaway here is that I need to be less concerned about offending her while she's in my home. I hope I can do that... it really IS exhausting worrying about that. They are just the kind of people who have strong feelings about a lot of things, but I need to just be myself even if (even THOUGH) there are parts of me that offend their sensitivities. And no, the pronoun thing isn't about their child; I would totally honor that of course (they use "she/her" even though they dress the child in a non-gendered way because the child has not officially indicated her gender yet). It's just a general thing. Like they always refer to someone a "person" because gender should not be an important identifier (like they would not say "this woman at work told me..." they would say "this person at work..."). And they often use "they" instead of a gendered pronoun when talking about someone for the same reason (as a statement about the unimportance of gender). There are a hundred other touchy topics I haven't even mentioned (like police and Jewish people and religion) that are sensitive for them. Their culture is just so different from the rest of the US in some ways and I feel like coming to our house is probably culture shock. We are NOT far right conservatives. We are just a lot more... typically American or something. We eat at Chic-Fil-A sometimes. We use he/she. We think there are good police officers in addition to bad ones. We celebrate Thanksgiving. I texted her back and indicated the shorter of two ranges she threw out (she said "8th or 9th to 15th" and I said "9-15 sounds great"). I did tell her the kids would have school and dh and I would have work but that I would try to work ahead as much as I could and that I'm so excited. I also let her know of an evening commitment we have during the visit and said dinner would just be pizza that night. I hope that including so many "negatives" (shorter of the two options, there will be school/work, we have a commitment) doesn't sound unwelcoming. Now I wish I had just told her that the shorter window is better (6 nights) and then discussed the other things on the phone. I think one thing that is still bothering me (I just remembered this) is that the last time she visited, she went to see these people in another city for part of the weekend. That bothers me because that is when all of us are home and could actually hang out with them. I think maybe this time I should see she can change that and have her visits to others occur at times we AREN'T available so we aren't sacrificing time with them just to be a crash pad. ETA: The reference to Jewish people means that sometimes she says things that TO ME border on anti-Semitic because she is so pro-Palestine. I totally understand that position on Israel but for her it extends to what she sees as Jewish privilege or something in the US and it makes me really uneasy. It's a weird position for someone who is so liberal but I think it represents the extreme of anti-Zionism.
  18. My sister and her husband have come visit every fall for the past few years. They come from the opposite coast so it's about 6 hours of traveling for them. I love them and am grateful that they come. But. Overnight guests are super taxing for me. After two nights, I am spent. Three nights feels like too many (though I suck it up for my parents and others). I think this is because I'm ultra-tuned into everyone else's feelings/preferences. I can't just relax and let people be "like family" -- I am always on high alert to make sure people are comfortable, well-cared for, etc. I have tried to turn this off and I can't. Plus I'm an introvert, so yeah... three nights feels like my max. My sister and her husband have proposed staying for seven. SEVEN. I love them but OY. They have a toddler who is very high maintenance (probably SPD, melts down a lot, etc). They are very "first time parents-ish" about the child (everything has to be just so, they give the kid way too many choices, they are always evaluating what is wrong/should be done, etc). They all have a lot of dietary restrictions that mean I have to cook very differently than I usually do. My sister helps a lot (dishes, etc) and as people they are laid back (they don't come with big demands to be shown around or entertained) but they drain me just like most guests do. Plus they have convictions about a lot of things (like paper napkins and Amazon and gendered pronouns and Thanksgiving, to name a few) so I always feel like I'm being hyper careful not to offend. They will probably take day trips to a neighboring city (an hour away) a couple of times to see friends, but they will come back here to eat dinner and spend the night. I remember last time that I wished they'd just stay in the city and give us a little breathing room (since we were just a crash pad for those days) but they didn't want to have to reacclimatize their kid to another setting. My sister said in her text proposing this "How does that sound? Too long?" and if I was being 100% honest, I'd say "yes, too long!" But there is no way I could say that without hurting her feelings. I am so glad she wants to spend her time and money coming to see me. I totally adore my niece. My relationship with all three of them is precious to me. But I work from home and manage a family of 6 and adding three people for a week is going to mean I am recovering for about as long. Is this my issue? Do I need to learn how to NOT be hyper aware and hyper sensitive? Or is it okay to say "that's a bit too long for us in this particular season... would 5 nights work"? Even that I cannot imagine saying... I'm terrified of hurting her feelings and making her feel unwelcome. UGH, what do I do???
  19. I definitely would NOT comment unless she had specifically asked others to weigh in with their opinions on said book. Also, please don't use the word "retarded." It's considered really hurtful and offensive these days.
  20. Thanks, everyone. I'm comparing ALL of your suggestions and I'm hopeful we can find something that makes way more sense!
  21. I feel like we are overspending on TV. We have never been a big TV family but we got cable to watch football last fall (I have 4 boys who enjoy doing that with their dad now and then). They use it mostly for sports (World Cup, March Madness, etc). Otherwise, we watch Netflix and Amazon Prime stuff. Our cable package (including internet) is $200! That seems like so much just to watch sports. We really don't use any other channels (except dh switches to Impractical Jokers during commercials!). So is there a way to combine the things we watch and not pay for cable? Apple TV? Something else? I am so ignorant about this (I watch the least of anyone and don't pay attention to technology much). Please help!
  22. I think it's great to emphasize that fitness is more important than fitting a particular mold of attractiveness. But sometimes all of the messaging about strong girls, fit women, muscles, being fast/strong, etc. gets to me. I'm not strong and I never have been. I have low muscle tone (genetically) and though I am working on it through weight-bearing exercise, I will never have bulky muscles or be super fast. As the kid picked last in gym (because I was skinny/weak, uncoordinated), I feel for girls today where the message seems to be "athletic/strong/tough is everything." It feels sometimes that the emphasis is still on fitting a mold, and it's just that the mold has changed. Does anyone else identify with this? I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well. I guess I don't want a new "pretty/skinny/sexy." I just think the world would be better if we could aspire to be the best version of ourselves.
  23. Inside the bowl (but only when flushed). And it's definitely organic material, not rust. The smell is awful.
  24. Hmmm. I think it smells bad. But I will go have a closer look.
  • Create New...