Sexist or sweet?

[Loowit]

For almost all of our dating and married time, DH drives if we go somewhere together, that has only changed in the last year.  For some reason I have developed anxiety while riding as a passenger, and so I have taken on driving more often, but I am trying very hard to work through it.  Our long road trip recently we took turns driving. 

[madteaparty]

I learned to drive in my 30s and he when he was 16 and he’s way better at it. I love sitting in the car just chattering away. I go on super long drives (say to a kid activity that only one needs to go to) just for the captive time in the car. 

[J-rap]

My dh would often start out, but we generally split up the driving.  (Except when the roads were bad ~ snow-covered and icy, then it was all his!).  I really don't mind driving and am especially good at parallel parking.  🙂  I've done 100% of the driving though for the past 10+ years since my dh has health issues and is unable to drive now.  It's fine.

[wendyroo]

If we are around town, it varies due to who knows the destination better, if someone is getting dropped off, who is ready to go first, etc. Normally, if we are both in the car (which is pretty rare), DH will drive just because he drives on average 0 miles each day and I drive on average 30 miles each day hauling kids to appointments and extracurriculars, so it is nice to let him take the wheel for a while.

If we are on a road trip, DH drives about 75% of the time while I manage the kids and all their needs, and I drive about 25% of the time while I still manage the kids and all their needs. 🤨 I miss peaceful road trips. I used to regularly do the 12 hour drive from Boston to Detroit overnight, leaving at 7pm and arriving around 7am. Even though I was alone and doing all the driving, that was relaxing and refreshing.

[Spy Car]

Uh oh.

Bill

[Farrar]

We switch it up. But... there is a default. Dh likes to drive and I don't, so he ends up doing it more. But then his driving makes me nervous sometimes and he does several things as a driver that make me a bit nuts. Like, he stays in the left lane on the highway going slow and he slows down to very carefully run a yellow light. Oh, and he knows he needs to get into the new lane on the highway in order to exit, but he waits until the lane is fully formed and drives a bit and then is like, okay, I'll get over. But by then, there are people who are in the lane and he has to fight his way in and he's annoyed. Every single stinking time. Oh, and dh is super brilliant, but he has one learning disability, which is that he can't remember directions. Like, he'll suddenly forget how to get somewhere that's driven often over a decade. But he gets annoyed if I tell him how to go place so we'll be driving and he'll go some weird way and I never know if I should say something because he's forgotten how to go (which happens routinely) or if he's just taking some creative way since we live in a city and there's always multiple ways to go places (also happens routinely).

Basically, we're doing it wrong.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I'd say that dh drives 90% of the time.  When we were dating, or early in our marriage, it came down to whose car we took.  But after we had kids, I was doing more of the hands-on parenting in the car because it stressed me out when the kids were fussy in the car.  Many a time we rode with me leaning over to nurse a babe.  

Now, he mostly drives because I get sleepy when I drive and need loud, sing-a-long music or food or drinks (which means more pit stops) to stay alert.  We switch off on longer trips.   I think he enjoys driving more than I do.  

[KidsHappen]

Well I haven't been able to drive for about 18 months now so I answered how things used to be which is that my hubby drives most of the time unless there is some need for me to drive.

[City Mouse]

DH drives most of the time. If we aren’t actively talking, I usually fall asleep. It is a bit of a family joke now. I drive when he asks me to, and he wouldn’t have a problem if I ever wanted to drive. 

[Ausmumof3]

I hate driving. I especially hate driving with DH as he likes to tell me what I’m doing wrong and it makes me really crabby. 

[fraidycat]

It depends on whose vehicle we are going in; generally, whoever is the main driver of the vehicle drives that vehicle even if the whole family is in the car. Now that we have 4 drivers and 4 vehicles, it's sometimes neither DH nor I doing the driving.

[Laura Corin]

He tends to drive in the morning and I drive in the afternoon when he gets sleepy. He also can't drive after dark because of headlight dazzle. 

[maize]

Dh's eye sight isn't great, and honestly neither are his reflexes. I consider myself the better/safer driver and almost always drive when we are together and always after dark.

[Eos]

4 hours ago, dirty ethel rackham said:

Many a time we rode with me leaning over to nurse a babe.  

We called this Meals On Wheels.

[Melissa in Australia]

4 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I hate driving. I especially hate driving with DH as he likes to tell me what I’m doing wrong and it makes me really crabby. 

same

[HomeAgain]

Dh and I have very different body types and vehicles to match. I don't drive his car.  He does drive mine occasionally (a more adjustable seat).  However, I'm also a better driver and get more miles to the gallon than dh, so especially right now I do more of the driving when we're together.

[LMD]

Dh is the default driver. I've never considered driving a love/hate activity, just a life skill one. So, I don't love or hate driving, it's just a thing that has to be done. I happily drive if he's had a drink. I'm not sure why we have this dynamic, there may be a chivalrous/sexist aspect 🤷🏻‍♀️. He had his licence and a car before me, and he's a bit of an annoying back-seat driver. But I've done plenty of designated driving, especially over the many pregnancy/breastfeeding years (and we're there again now!) Objectively, he's probably a better driver overall.

[MEmama]

We switch it up. Usually if we take my car I’ll drive and if we take his he drives (I don’t care for driving his as much). On long road trips I usually prefer to drive in the mornings and let him take over later in the day. I don’t see well at night so I almost never drive after dark, even around town. I think I’m the better driver so I much prefer to be behind the wheel— he’s picked up bad habits like driving too close to the car in front of him (while complaining about people who tailgate) that make me nervous.

I would *hate* any assumption that a man should drive— that wouldn’t go over with me at all. Honestly that sort of gendered nonsense would be grounds for divorce. Gross gross gross. 

[Carrie12345]

I hate driving, and he’s happy to.  Not sexist, and not necessarily sweet; it’s just the obvious thing to do when one person doesn’t like something and the other does!
If we go out and he plans to have some beers or whatever, I’m the driver, of course. Not my favorite, but fair.

[Soror]

Another one that doesn't like driving. Dh drives most of the time we are together. I drive more than I want to ferrying children around.

Interestingly when dh has work trips with car loads of other guys he is the primary driver as well. 

[Soror]

6 hours ago, Farrar said:

We switch it up. But... there is a default. Dh likes to drive and I don't, so he ends up doing it more. But then his driving makes me nervous sometimes and he does several things as a driver that make me a bit nuts. Like, he stays in the left lane on the highway going slow and he slows down to very carefully run a yellow light. Oh, and he knows he needs to get into the new lane on the highway in order to exit, but he waits until the lane is fully formed and drives a bit and then is like, okay, I'll get over.

Mercy that would drive me nuts. Dh was on a road trip once and the guy driving kept driving in the left lane. Everyone told him you need to get over. He didn't believe them. Finally he got pulled over for it and the cop was incredulous that he didn't know you are not supposed to drive on the left side of the road.

[ScoutTN]

Around town, generally the person whose car we are taking drives. 
 

On trips he mostly drives because he cannot sleep in the car and doesn’t entertain himself well. I can be happily lost in my own thoughts or imagination for hours.

[ktgrok]

I hate driving with other people in the car. I feel like I'm performing - leftover angst from failing the drivers test 3 times? IDK. But I dont't like it. And DH does like it just fine, and is also better at it - way better spatial awareness skills than I have. I DO dislike that he follows too closely, and will speak up if that is an issue, but otherwise I like to read a book or chill. I'm not often "off duty" with the kids, so that's my time to just sit and be. 

[ktgrok]

I do HATE that he waits until right before a turn to get in the correct lane, then is annoyed if people are in his way, or won't let him in. I can't fathom it...if I know I have a turn coming up I get in the proper lane WELL ahead of time. But, that's not really a safety issue, so I just read a book and don't look, lol. 

[TheReader]

DH always drives, and mostly I don't care one way or the other, BUT he is ridiculously stubborn about it, not even wanting to trade off on long road trips, except for maybe an hour while he cat  naps in the car, and that part DOES drive me nuts.  He has even not admitted to being tired/too tired, more than once, on just normal drives.....but after the fact; he never admits it ahead of time/during and swaps out with me. He'd rather stop and grab a Monster energy drink to sip than just swap places with me. So, that part is crazy-annoying. 

On the other hand, he IS the better driver in many circumstances, so as a normal practice, it doesn't bother me, and in some instances I far prefer it (heavy rain/bad weather, heavy city/interstate traffic, etc. -- although, not always in my van, which he still can't handle as well as his car....). 

I voted "complicated feelings" for all of the above.

[QueenCat]

12 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

We're on the way back from the beach.  I'm bored, and DH insisted on driving, so I'm curious about the dynamic in other families. 

It's good to hear that you all are traveling together 😉 

I don't mind driving but I would prefer not to, given the choice. Dh is a horrible back seat driver and I'd just as soon be a passenger.

[teachermom2834]

Dh always drives except in very long trips when we take turns. 

I am the more cautious driver which means it takes longer for us to get there if I am driving. I also am not good if we are driving in a busy urban area that requires a degree of aggressiveness that I’m not comfortable with myself.

I can see this changing over the next few years. Dh is approaching 50 and becoming a more aggressive (angry?) driver. It’s odd as he is not an angry guy but I have heard other friends with similar age husbands express the same. He really doesn’t let other drivers’ infractions roll off the way he would have in the past and it makes me really uncomfortable to see him get mad like that. He will do stuff like not get over if he doesn’t like the way some one is tailgating him just to make a point. I’m like just get over and let the guy get on his way. It’s an odd change and I don’t like riding with him when he acts like that. But he doesn’t love my driving habits. So I guess we might have some renegotiation to do. You’d think after 30 years together some things would be settled…

[Emba]

I put that he always drives, but we do switch it up on long trips and if I am picking him up from somewhere, I usually just continue driving from that point. 
 

i would rather DH drive - he is an objectively better driver than I am, as proven by the number of accidents I’ve been in and he hasn’t. I don’t care for driving in heavy traffic and in unfamiliar places I get lost easily.

 But I do know that sometimes he would rather I drive more we’re both in the car.  It’s definitely not some chauvinism or chivalry that has led to this state of affairs.

[Wheres Toto]

With dh, we switch it up.   On long trips we take turns based on who is feeling tired.   Locally it depends on what car we are driving.  I hate driving his huge Suburban so will almost never drive if we need to take that for some reason.    If I drove my car last, I'd probably drive so the seats don't need to be adjusted.  If he drove last, he may drive for the same reason.   It will depend on if one person needs to hop out at the store for something, or is getting dropped off.   I'm less likely to drive if we are towing something (hasn't come up much lately), or there's a lot of maneuvering, although I have driven in both NYC and Philadelphia.  

I drove a lot when we were first married because dh liked to have a drink with dinner when we'd go out and I was pregnant/nursing/pregnant AND nursing/nursing for basically the first 5 years we were married.    Generally he would have been fine driving but I liked a policy of any drinking and I drove.  

My ex used to insist on driving all the time and it annoyed me because he did it with a very sexist attitude.  Like I was a poor, little, incompetent female and couldn't be trusted.   Bleck.  When I would drive, he'd be yelling at me if I didn't be as aggressive as he thought I should be.   Like driving as far as possible before cutting into a long line of traffic at an exit.  Something that I don't like to do (I'd rather just be patient) and can be dangerous around here.  

Edited June 18, 2022 by Wheres Toto

[maize]

2 hours ago, Soror said:

Mercy that would drive me nuts. Dh was on a road trip once and the guy driving kept driving in the left lane. Everyone told him you need to get over. He didn't believe them. Finally he got pulled over for it and the cop was incredulous that he didn't know you are not supposed to drive on the left side of the road.

This varies by state, so maybe he learned to drive in a different state?

In some states the left lane is explicitly for passing, in others all lanes are fair game to drive in.

 

Edited June 18, 2022 by maize

[marbel]

Whether it's sexist or sweet depends on the overall dynamic of the parties involved.

My husband and I switch it up, especially if we are on a long drive. If we're going someplace one or the other of us is unfamiliar with, the one who is familiar will usually drive. But sometimes I ask him to drive because for so many years I drove the kids around. Like, sometimes we'll be on a route I'd driven with the kids many times but never got to actually see anything because I was driving. He has never demanded to drive, nor have I. I'd probably get annoyed if he demanded because it would be out of character for him. 

[Wheres Toto]

If I could read in the car, I'd probably insist dh drive all the time on long trips.   Unfortunately I can barely look down at a text or map without feeling sick.   If I avoid looking down or backwards, I'm fine as a passenger so I don't need to drive to combat it.  

[Scarlett]

I vote Dh always drives and I have complicated feelings about it.  He has a bad back and can not tolerate anyone else driving.   I dislike being a passenger only on long trips.  I find it exhausting.  And then the worst is if he goes as long as he possible can and THEN asks me to drive.  I would prefer to share the load more evenly so that I am not asked to drive when I am exhausted. But in reality he rarely asks me to drive.  We did 12 hours to AL and he drove the entire way both ways.  

[1234]

Dh and I are pretty equal usually on who drives. We love road trips and switch drivers pretty much every time we stop for gas and such. He has been driving more recently because we moved to Chicago and I wasn’t  very comfortable at first, but now I’m good to drive solo or with him. It’s never been an issue with us. 

[Heartstrings]

My car is more comfortable with the kids so we default to my car and me driving.  He prefers to drive on long trips even if it is my car.  We take his car with him driving most of the time if it’s a date night or if we don’t have kids for some reason.  

[SKL]

Not married, but I am happy to let others drive when they want to.  Can't say whether that has anything to do with my sex.

Not sure whether it's scientific logic or conditioning or both, but it's pretty common historically for the male to drive.  When I was little, it was very common for the husband to be the only licensed driver.  Many of my older female relatives never did get a drivers' license by choice.

There are real sex differences in how people drive, though obviously both genders are capable.  We all know that men have more accidents statistically ... but how much of that is because they drive more?

In a relationship, I'd say that whoever wants to drive the most should drive, assuming the risk factors are about the same.  Whoever wants to cook the most should cook.  Whoever wants to clean the most should clean.  Why fight or worry about it?

[prairiewindmomma]

I dated guys (prior to marrying Dh) who were “chivalrous” about wanting to drive all of the time. They were also generally threatened by other aspects of me—specifically that I could greatly outearn them—and driving became an early screener litmus test in dating. 
(Another screener was whether they were ok with me working on my car and using power tools like a chainsaw.) I had become wearied by diminishing myself in order to help a guy feel more secure about himself.

I am totally cool with sharing driving, but controlling driving is obnoxious. With Dh, I drive 99% of the time—mostly because he often takes work calls or returns emails so that he can be present fully wherever we are headed to.

[stephanier.1765]

For DH and I, it depends on who's car we are driving. For my 3 sons: the wives of the two eldest almost always do the driving. My youngest and his girlfriend take turns depending on which car they are taking. I have noticed in the younger generations that the girls driving or the taking of turns is much more the norm than that of my generation.

[HS Mom in NC]

We switch it up.

Younger GenX 49, married to older GenX 55.

Edited June 18, 2022 by HS Mom in NC

[heartlikealion]

When we were married he almost always insisted on driving. Most of the time I didn't care, but sometimes it was annoying because he didn't want to share the driving on road trips which I thought was stupid... especially if he made comments about needing to wake up and having to drink certain things to make himself alert. A handful of times he let me drive. I am capable of staying awake while others sleep in the car, but he did not "allow" me to nap in the car if he was driving (even if I stayed up late packing, etc and could really use the sleep) because he said it made him sleepy. Other times the driver seat had more leg room because we had a car seat behind the passenger so it was more logical for him to remain in the driver seat. To be fair, he wasn't super comfortable with my driving and I am directionally challenged, but with a GPS I'm usually okay. 

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

When we were married he almost always insisted on driving. Most of the time I didn't care, but sometimes it was annoying because he didn't want to share the driving on road trips which I thought was stupid... especially if he made comments about needing to wake up and having to drink certain things to make himself alert. A handful of times he let me drive. I am capable of staying awake while others sleep in the car, but he did not "allow" me to nap in the car if he was driving (even if I stayed up late packing, etc and could really use the sleep) because he said it made him sleepy. Other times the driver seat had more leg room because we had a car seat behind the passenger so it was more logical for him to remain in the driver seat. To be fair, he wasn't super comfortable with my driving and I am directionally challenged, but with a GPS I'm usually okay. 

Ugh.  Jerk.

[twovetteslater]

.

Edited July 14, 2022 by twovetteslater

[Jean in Newcastle]

Apparently this topic is important to me since this is my third post on this thread.  It's in relation to the backseat driver phenomena.  Dh almost caused me to have an accident (the first in 37 years of driving) the other day because he shouted out an unnecessary warning and I slammed on the brakes in surprise.  He realized very quickly that that was not at all helpful.  I pointed out my driving record and asked him why he suddenly thought that I needed supervision now with something that I am more than capable of doing.  (I will say though that when he's driving I find my "brake foot" pushing down on an imaginary brake at times, though I keep my mouth shut.) 

[Lady Florida.]

Most of the time dh drives and I drive occasionally. There's no rhyme nor reason to when I drive, it just kind of happens sometimes. Other times it's because I've been where we're going and he hasn't and it's just easier for me to drive. It's all fine with me.

I neither like nor dislike driving locally. On long trips we take turns and I actually do like driving long distances.

[wintermom]

It's not a question of sexism or sweetness. Kind of weird, in my mind, to make those the two main choices. That is not my world at all.

My dh loves to drive, and on long trips I tend to get sleepy. It's perfect because I do my thing and he does his. I do drive a lot on my own, and I enjoy driving. Dh does the majority of the driving when we're both in the car because I know he prefers to drive rather than be a passenger. I really don't care.

 

[Guest]

I said We switch up, but it’s more default to him driving on the way to anything. If there is alcohol, I usually drive because I almost never drink as much as him. I’m usually sober. 
 

For long driving trips, it’s almost always him. He is a walking GPS and I am the opposite, so it is very stressful to me if I need the turn-by-turn directions when he doesn’t. He will keep interjecting something like, “You know this road because XYZ, blah, blah, blah; (some trip I do not remember).” 

[Lillyfee]

He always drives if we are both in the car as I really don't like driving.

I am also an anxious passenger and break the not existing break on the passenger's side all the time and tell him when a light is red or when he needs to slow down. 

He is so cute though and just always replies "Yes, I see." 

[mommyoffive]

18 hours ago, barnwife said:

I hate driving. No, that's an understatement. I loathe and detest it. DH enjoys it. Therefore, unless we are on a super long trip, he does the driving. Being sexist or sweet doesn't factor in for us. 

 

Same.  I hate driving unless it just the 5-10 mins across town. Even long road trips dh drives.

[catz]

We go back and forth.  I will say, DH definitely likes driving more than I do, so it does fall on him more.  I have to say when we are on the road for like 30 mintues or less and driving someplace I regularly drive (I do drive a lot with the teen or alone) he does kind of drive me batty.  He is a substantially more aggressive driver than I am.  

On longer road trips, I often bring things to do or watch like knitting or downloaded stuff on my iPad.  So once we're rolling on a freeway for a while, I do like to kick back on longer drives.  But we do rotate at times on road trips.  

[DreamerGirl]

What do you do when both hate driving ?? 

DH and I learned to drive in our 20s. It was not a necessary skill where we grew up. Riding a two wheeler was but even that was not frequent. We grew up taking public transportation, using a bicycle to go places or plain walking.

When we took the bus or train, we always carried things to amuse ourselves and did not have to stress over traffic. We just needed to plan to be on time. 

We both did look forward to owning cars and driving. Turns out, we prefer to be driven. So we are the folks who park the car and ride the bus or train be it to work or going places. 

We both WFH now, so driving is absolutely as necessary. We are not a road tripping family because of it. We fly or take the train. 😊

Only the pandemic, being absolutely stir crazy and the car being one of the safe places made us go for random drives.  We have made a few road trips, but now the cost of gas being what it is, that has kept us close to home.