I think it was good you reached out. Keep loving on him and praise where you can. I find that goes way further than criticism in changing behavior.

That seems dang inconvenient for her and not necessarily effective for him. At 17, honestly, his choice may be to just go be at his friends’ as much as he can. This just seems petty, TBH, according to my 17yo. He said if he was stubborn, he would just use that one thing forever as spiteful obedience, knowing it was inconveniencing his mom to have to pack everything up. 😂 🙄

When one parent has been with a hospitalized child, we tried to arrange daily video chats so that there was contact. I would often step out for a breath of fresh air—arranging for a nurse to quietly be doing “stuff” so an adult was in the room if the child was needing PICU level monitoring. It gave the kid space to bond, iykwim.

That doesn't read as a dark blue to me. And we have always found dark blue (like this navy): https://www.benjaminmoore.com/en-us/color-overview/find-your-color/color/hc-154/hale-navy?color=HC-154 to actually be really comforting. Isn't this also the kid who broke up with a girlfriend? I'd be more likely to attribute it to that than to a wall color.

OP, I am struck by the language you use to describe your son...and in describing your neighbor. I would have problems with his behavior, but you seem to note serious flaws in his character.

Fwiw, I had a roommate in college who never washed her clothes. She just bought new outfits—daily. The old ones became a stack that literally took over the room a few months in. She ate out for all of her meals but if she brought in takeout she let everything sit where she left it...trash and rotting food bits. She was a horrible diva who was lucky enough her parents would cover $40k/year for her living (on top of rent and tuition). I’d like to say she was an aberration, but I have met enough others like her to say it’s more common that one would think. Looking back, I would say EF issues were a good chunk of her problems (and for many others). My point in sharing the story is to say this is worth putting in the effort...focus on the behaviors, not the person, right?!!

My attention is a bit split with my girls destroying my kitchen (making cupcakes) but I just wanted to share what my ds17’s list looks like. meds check email school make lunch (for him and me) + the day of the week chore: Monday-trash (empty the house cans, everything to curb and back the next day) Tuesday-dust and vacuum/mop floors Wednesday-clean kids’ bathroom Thursday-his laundry Friday-mow and edge lawn, other yard tasks as assigned Sunday-fill pill box I really like the collaborative thinking model for problem solving—it’s a way to point out flaws in thinking without being confrontational about it. It shows you their thinking and they are resolving their issues. Most about what you guys are fighting over is household management. He wants all of the privilege and none of the responsibility. Super typical problem, but reality is that he is generating laundry and dishes and shedding dust—it’s not like he can totally skip out on his part in the household.

Visually, I really struggle with that chart. And I have pretty strong EF. It could not fly with at least 3 of my kids. Also, there's a difference between, IMO, chores and personal care tasks (like taking supplements). If you need to make daily meds a check-in item (which ideally we don't at 17, but sometimes we do, and I've BTDT on this one), then go for it---but with a really, really, really strong push to making that completely independent. And I would add filling his pill box to his list also because that's an ADL task. We have a rule that we only eat at the table. Period. It's not something on a list. It's just the rule. The end. We also water bottles with water only to float around the house. I've got to do something Right Now (reminder alarm just went off), but I'll try to chime back in later.

I would look at the current market stats for your area. In your price point and neighborhood, how many have gone under contract in the last 30 days? What is the statistical curve for sales? You are coming into holiday season, and the market is typically dead mid-November to early February (even in hot markets--people just don't look as much over the holidays). If you think you can get under contract again by mid-November and you can afford to carry the house to February if need be---I'd go back on the market. No one is going to want to pay over market rate. Loans won't cover anything over the appraisal amount. Your new price will need to reflect that, and it's not uncommon for buyers to ask for closing---so I think it's also a completely legitimate option to just drop the price, pay the closing fees, and move on.

Fwiw, Ds also operates best off of a list. He knows when it’s done, he’s done (unless an emergency comes up). Also, fwiw, Ds would be soaking the dishes overnight in a bucket of hot soapy water that would hang out on the porch (out of the house). If he whined I would toss him a pair of nitrile gloves and give him a death stare. Moldy dishes is a hill to die on, and, honestly, a health risk to me because it’s an asthma trigger. His mess, he cleans it up.

Does the family have any English? What kind of situation are they coming from? Coming from living in a house with a tarp roof and a bare floor and no utilities is much more of a change from coming from a modest apartment in an urban neighborhood....

A bag filled with snacks (including fresh fruit + water bottles), toiletries, an offer of a ride to Target + gift card (if RMD doesn’t offer a shuttle service), credit for the hospital cafeteria to cover meals for the parent...

When my manchild and I butt heads, I give it some time to blow over (the heat of the moment), make sure we’ve both eaten and then try to reconcile the relationship even if we don’t agree on the topic at hand. Fundamentally, my kid is a good person and I love him. He is also almost an adult and so I am letting go of the reins a lot. Where there are only two of you in the house, the dynamics are different than in many households. He is more on an equal, iykwim. An hour of chores daily is vague. Leaving a mess is a concrete problem. I would clarify what you want more and see if he agrees and what he thinks his priorities should be.

Right. I think you need to say that you think you would benefit from counseling and if he just wants to do medication management to help refer you out to someone who is covered by your insurance for some therapy sessions. Even if you did a target set of therapy sessions (like, 6, to begin with) you could at least clarify more of what is going on and work on developing some effective techniques for managing the problems you're dealing with.

Yes, this.