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Everything posted by SKL

  1. Yeah, I'm not saying it's been easy to manage the phones with my own kids, but this other kid's grandma (who's raising the girl) must be really reeling. She was holding off on buying the girl a phone, but decided to get one for her birthday, to the extreme delight of the kid. The drama started immediately and has been non-stop, even on the days when Grandma has taken the phone away. I feel badly for both of them. One of my kids is good friends with this girl. She has been trying to get the other kids (also her good friends / sister) to stop the talking behind her back. (I have also warned my other daughter various times and took her phone away at least twice for her part in this.) The kids try to rationalize why nothing is their fault bla bla bla. This is putting everyone in a bitchy mood and spilling over into how they interact at home. This in turn affects homework, sleep, etc. I will try harder to get us all physically busy. Today would have been a good day to go for a run or bike ride, but instead we had a big fuss that ruined the whole evening. 😕
  2. Well, we had hotdogs for dinner. Good enough. My kids were both in rare form today - and not in a good way. Lord have mercy. By the grace of God we are all still alive. 🙂 I have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day.
  3. OK, well, my life experience is different. I do see folks having hard negative conversations and still maintaining strong relationships. The whole "you made a __ choice" language is a recent innovation, really. When I was a kid and before that, everyone just said "you are __." Maybe that's why I understand it to mean something different from what you understand it to mean.
  4. Another point - I'm still at the stage where it's my responsibility to help my kids develop a good character. I do talk to my kids about this - but I put it in future terms, like, "I'm your mother and it's my job to teach you to treat people right." I often add "I do believe you will grow up to be a decent adult, but we have a lot of work to do in the mean time." When my kids are 22, I will no longer be in the role of developing character, though there will still be things I can do to influence it. My language choices will very likely change. I really don't know what I will say if my kid grows up to disappoint me in big ways.
  5. I understand. My kids have lots of baggage as well, and yes they can be little jerks, but they can also make me proud, especially given what they have to overcome. I think we just disagree about how language is understood by most readers.
  6. I was thinking about stuff that is going down at my kids' school, and it occurred to me that an adult beverage might be the go-to solution for many moms. 😛 I assume it's all typical stuff. A girl who has some issues - ADHD, highly impulsive, way too "touchy," friends are wanting more distance ... she just got her first cell phone. She is way over-doing the texts, very in your face, deciding so-and-so likes her, over-sharing, getting upset when people don't act as she expects ... some kids blocked her, some started talking behind her back. My kids are in the middle of both sides of it, and I'm trying to be the smart parent giving advice they can actually apply without making things worse. Ha! I still say that 8th grade was the worst year of my life, by far. I was hoping my kids' 8th grade year would be less horrible. Ugh. I don't know what I want here ... but if you have any wisdom or alternatives to alcohol (since I don't drink it), I'm all ears.
  7. Should we also not ever refer to our kids in positive terms like "generous"? Maybe we should only be allowed to say "my kid made a generous choice." Honestly, we all should know what is meant by "my kid is ___." It does not mean my kid is hopelessly 100% ___ all the time (nor does it mean my kid is amazingly wonderfully ___ all the time). It just means my kid can be ___ more often than s/he should be, and that bothers me. We all know this is what OP meant, and therefore the goal of communicating meaning was met. I don't buy the idea that if I say my kid is a buttcheek online, then the next time I see her I'm going to treat her badly or whatever. Personally, writing out my thoughts really helps me to organize them and put them into the right words when I do have to speak to the individual involved.
  8. It also never helps to gloss over every fault with rosy language or "careful language" that doesn't deal with an actual ongoing character issue. IIRC you earlier referred to your child as "difficult," whereas applying your advice above, you should really be saying "my kid had a bad day" 365 days a year, every year of her life. (I am not picking on you or your child - I probably know all too well what you mean by "difficult.") Every kid has had a bad day, made a bad choice, overreacted to a situation. But some of our kids have a long-term issue that should not be ignored, especially if there is any way to work on it.
  9. I need to do something about dinner. Wish my kids liked pbj.
  10. Well ... just projecting here, but I wonder if it isn't so much disappointment in the kid himself, but rather disappointment in not being the parent we wish we'd been. My kids are a mess in some ways, not because they have black hearts, but partly because I wasn't the best at prioritizing and focusing my energy on certain things at the right time. I was either focusing on other things, or too damn tired to focus on any of it. (Also, my kids don't learn certain things easily.) l still have time, but who knows what the next 6 years will accomplish. In all likelihood, I will have disappointments. It is interesting that the people whose kids are adults seem a bit more understanding of the OP's words than the parents of younger kids. I will just add - I can remember my mom saying some things (to me) about my oldest brother when he was a young adult. "Selfish" was definitely in the mix. She wasn't being hateful. My mom and brother have always had a healthy bond. But brother did fail to think of others a lot of the time. That was different from the other close-in-age kids. (Not that we didn't all have our own issues.) I dunno. I guess it's OK to admit we are all imperfect in some ways, even the people we love the most.
  11. Happy Wednesday! Up until 2:something working on some online orders. Kid's birthday is coming up. Also other kid did not grow into her size 11 school shoes (is that good or bad) and her teacher is complaining about it ; also her clarinet teacher says get different reeds and her horse teacher says get different reins. That kid is high maintenance! Slept about 4.5 hours. Got up somewhat late, but earlier than yesterday. Kids were putzy and disorganized and had to run to the bus again. Housemate again with her helpful "why don't you *make* them come down on time?" Much needed coffee! Fed the bird. Took out the garbage. There was a leak as someone clearly dumped something liquid in there. Cleaned up the leak. Gonna have to school some people later. A little housework. Opened and filed some mail. Texted the kids' driver. Caught up on news, emails, social media. Checked today's calendar. Worried a lot about work stress. To do: Many work reports. Call the IRS for a client. Conference call. Some exercise, reading, and house work. Kids have trumpet / horse riding - driver will drive them. Kids' work. Homework, test study, and hopefully some responsible household behavior. Ha! 1 or 2 loads of laundry. (Kids need gym suits tomorrow.) Whatever else gets done.
  12. I grew up with a mom who spewed such language that I couldn't copy it if I tried. Seriously. I'm just not that talented. And the language was not uncommonly directed at me. I mean stuff you would not even ever post on this board. There is only 1 word I can think of that my mom never used toward me, and I'm not going to say what it was. In the moment, it hurt, but in the long run, I knew and know that it was just frustration speaking. Sure it was wrong, but oh well. I doubt she planned those speeches when she woke each morning. She had her own mega baggage and lots of stressors in life. It is what it is. I am raising two 8th grade girls, and there have been times when I've been pretty darn pi$$ed. Have a few words slipped out, yes. But I am definitely more careful than my mom was. Possibly because I am 50% my dad, who rarely swore and almost never criticized us. But also partly because my most button-pushing child has some mental stuff that (in my mind at least) makes her more fragile. However far she pushes me, I don't forget that - at least I haven't so far (she's not quite 13). Online, though, I say things my kid isn't going to ever see. But I know I'm going to be judged on here, and also that people can't hear my tone and don't have my sense of humor. So I try to be as unemotional as I can be when describing issues. That means neither exaggerating nor understating problems as I see them. (I have learned this over time, after initially posting jokingly and realizing how differently many people read my words. So if you remember something I said in the past, I'm not lying.) But if it's clearly a vent or I'm currently crying because the event is so raw, you might get something different. Hopefully most people can understand that. And now I need to go get another cup of my Don't Kill the Children elixir aka coffee ....
  13. Well, I found my checkbook, and accomplished some housework. Postponed the IRS call until tomorrow. Hoping to get some reports out tonight.
  14. Some of us believe in using straight talk when our kids are being butts. I prefer this to the all too common "my kid would never do that" kind of language. Like sooner or later, every kid on the planet "has a heart of gold" etc. etc. If people on this board can't handle the expression of hard parental emotions, I'm not sure but maybe that's not the OP's issue.
  15. SKL


    I did not read most of the comments - there are way too many. I think an adult son needs to come to the understanding that he and his parent are separate people who are entitled to very different beliefs and boundaries. This may not be an easy understanding to come to at a young age, but I think it is essential to do so. I don't think it needs to destroy the parent-child relationship. That said, if there is a "significant other" involved who is vocally against the parent's belief/boundary, this can make it harder for the son to develop this understanding. If Scarlett could just try to explain to ALL affected parties that there is no lack of love motivating her decision, maybe that will help. It might also help if a more detached third party could explain that. But mostly, I think this is something time needs to work on.
  16. I want to understand this better. What are the effects of these hormonal changes, what is the science behind them, and what can we do about them? Is it always going to be this way or is there light at the end of the tunnel? Yesterday I read that female hormones counterbalance insulin, which helps mood, and so when those female hormones decrease, stress increases etc. It was just an aside in a non-scientific article, so I'm not going to find it and cite it here. But it made me want to understand this better. And what are healthy management techniques, other than (a) drugs or (b) harvesting some rare plant that only grows in the depths of the Amazon jungle? What resources have you all found in this regard?
  17. I do agree that telling him at the last minute that he has nearly no time to save the trip would be unhelpful. It would not promote clear thinking and planning. I did assume it was not a last minute surprise though. And even if it was - that is not something that can be un-done. Depending on the facts, an apology from OP/DH may be appropriate.
  18. Howdy. I had a rough morning. I had not really felt good going to bed last night, then I did not wake with my alarms. By the time I got up, I still needed to review homework and pack gym bags (I had to wash the gym clothes overnight). Boss telling me that it's better to be a morning person did not help. There was no chance to meet the bus, but I drove them and they were probably not tardy. I don't understand why this is so hard for me. It takes me forever to get going. Yesterday was a pretty good day after I got revved - I got a lot of work done and got my tax estimates out - but many days, I take so long to get going that by then, the day is pretty much over. So despite some productive days, I am always always behind. Looking at the symptoms of ADHD in women, I pretty much have all of them. But knowing that doesn't really help. I'm not about to go get medicated. Drugs scare me. Plus, I believe some of it is hormonal, and the drugs mess with the hormones. (I am thinking of posting about peri/menopause and mental management for discussion.) So anyway ... I want to be excited about all the fun and worthwhile things we have coming up. I was up in the wee hours looking for an "owl prowl" to meet a scout badge requirement, and I signed us up for one on Friday night. The kids have TKD, sports, social, and life skills stuff coming up. We have tickets to several concerts/theater performances. Yay! I look forward to all of this, but I am also dreading the work deadlines and losing stuff and wondering what I am forgetting. (I found my lost credit card - my kid had it in her pocket - but now one of my checkbooks is MIA. Searching for it reminds me of how much organizing I need to do. (I did figure out where I used it last, and maybe it is still there - in a vehicle I still need to search.) And the health stuff - I was doing OK for a while, then fell off the bandwagon. And every time I think about it - should I do that, or get one more work report out first? Oh now I'm hungry, but I don't have a taste for leaves, and here are some snacks that are easy to eat ... well now that I just ate I can't exercise .... And the kids - they are a disorganized mess, and I don't have the energy to be consistent with them - I call it "choosing my battles," but sometimes the battle is me vs. my tired ass. Well anyway, here's where I am right now: Done: Finished up 2 loads of laundry in the wee hours. Signed up for Owl Prowl Friday night. Slept too long. Reviewed math and grammar. Walked kid through corrections. Packed gym bags. Drove kids to school. Got cash for cash-pay helpers. Some emails re personal stuff. Caught up on social media, emails, news. 2 cups of coffee. A little reading. A little tiny bit of housework. To do: Many work reports. Call the IRS for a client. Very stressful! Try to get some housework and personal organizing done so I can feel better. Kid 2 has horse riding. I am driving today. Kids' work - test study, homework, music practice. Try to follow up on personal habits e.g. laundry in the bin etc. Would like to do some running / conditioning with Kid 1. Pizza night. Might do another load or two of laundry. Read-aloud? Whatever else gets done.
  19. Oh - and I have a relative who cancels on us all the time. I have taught my kids to not count on her; if she shows up, it's a bonus. I also have another relative who blows up for irrational reasons and acts a fraction of her age. Thankfully these are two different relatives who have other redeeming qualities.
  20. After thinking about this some more, I am wondering if the young man was already quite nervous about other aspects of the trip and the "pay now or we will cancel" was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back. If it had happened very recently, I would wait for a calm moment and ask him. It might be enlightening. What he did was still wrong, but getting him to talk about why he lost it (over a reasonable request) might help him to think about better ways to handle that overwhelmed feeling.
  21. Does she mean "winner" sarcastically? My mom uses that all the time to mean loser. (Not that I think your friend should call your son a loser either.) Assuming she meant it positively, she is probably trying to help you feel better about something you are very disappointed about. I tend to do that. "Oh well, but look at the bright side." Your son will have to learn the hard way about life, because he apparently isn't disposed to learn the easy way. Some people just aren't. It will be OK. What I would tell my friends/relatives about this: don't ever put your trust in him like that again. Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me. Thankfully this was just a recreational trip he screwed up. A relatively cheap lesson if you think about it.
  22. I spent most of the wee hours smacking my snooze buttons. I need to finish the reports I promised to send "over the weekend." Other than that, it should be the same as most Mondays ... though I will need to drive the kids tonight as our driver is busy with medical stuff.
  23. I will say my relative who had bilateral was thrilled to not have big breasts any more. Apparently that is a huge pain (I wouldn't know personally). Her husband commented "nobody asked me what I thought about that." 😛 But he is supportive of her choice, obviously.
  24. I would do the same on both sides. Whether to reconstruct or not would depend on what not reconstructing would look like, and whether I'd have to pay out of pocket for that part. I would also want to talk to others who have had reconstruction to ask about how that experience is. I have a relative who recently had a mastectomy (or a partial?). She told me that it is now standard procedure to do surgery on both so that they "match." One reason is that it is essentially "necessary," since almost everyone will do something to make the two sides look similar anyway. Another reason that a friend mentioned is that once you've had cancer in one breast, you have a good chance of getting it in the other breast and needing it removed down the line, so might as well do it as a preventive measure.
  25. Well, if you have decided not to go, I hope that you commit to doing something substantial for your 30th anniversary or maybe a big upcoming birthday. No excuses! I do not accept that you can't afford to do something nice for yourself after all the years of doing so much for the rest of your family.
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