Chris in VA Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Today I'm in sort of a sad space. I realized I don't believe love for another can heal that other. I think it's the best we have to offer each other, but I no longer seem to truly buy the whole idea that love is enough to bring healing/change/make someone better, not in a physical way, but you know, the inside of a person. I've known for a long time that one person can't change someone else, but I did think total, complete, unconditional, even fierce, love, could provide an environment that would so influence someone that healing could begin. Strong, intense light can kill bacteria, and that can allow a body to heal, right? So I thought of love the same way. I don't, anymore. It's just not enough. It'll never be enough. It still seems the right thing to do, loving. But it no longer seems to have the power I once thought it did. That feels so weird--hopeless, maybe. What do you think? 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xuzi Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 (edited) I think it can *help* heal, in situations where healing is possible, but is no cure-all. Edited December 30, 2015 by Xuzi 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I've never believed it could. Maybe sometimes, but not every time. I've known too many people who have been loved fiercely who seem unaffected by that love directed their way. They know it's there and think it's nice, but it's not something that they truly receive and take into themselves. Unless someone is able to take in the love directed at them, they will be unaffected by it. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnMyOwn Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 That does seem so sad. But, I agree that no matter how much we love someone we can't change them. That has to come from within themself. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I never believed it could, it seems weird to me that anyone would think that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockhopper Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I'm so sorry. I have to believe that God's love can heal, and that we as Christians can be vehicles of that love. But I know that as much as that is true, the person receiving that love has to want it and be willing to be changed by it, and that we cannot force or cause to come about. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I've never believed that. We're responsible for our own lives no matter how many people do/don't love us. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 (edited) I think it can, but the other person has to be open to receiving it. But also, things often aren't so black and white. Your love may indeed help, but that person may have many other complicated issues going on in their life that might require practical or psychological help, apart from love. Edited December 30, 2015 by J-rap 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I never believed that love was enough. I do think that if someone has a strong, loving, supportive environment, they are able to heal from trauma faster and with less struggle. I don't know if it changes the outcome, but I do feel that it softens the process a bit. I wish love was enough! DD9 wouldn't have half of her issues, if love was all it took to heal someone. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Big hugs coming your way. I'm sorry you're realizing this, in such a sad way. It hurts. I want to believe it could heal, love. But I don't believe it either. I do think it helps, though! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 God can heal. I know His timing can be hard to take, but He really does know what He's doing. (((Chris))) 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I think...that human love cannot guarantee healing, but that a lack of love can make healing more difficult. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I believe what you said here: "... provide an environment that would so influence someone that healing could begin." -- is something love *can* do. Influence. Provide an environment. Help. Start. Not over-power. Not: "fix anything, in spite of anything." Not one-sided, always effective, nothing can stand in its way. Things stand in love's way. If nothing could stand in love's way, we might call it something powerful, but we wouldn't call it love. We'd call it control. To be love, it has to remain optional. With consent, with co-operation, with openness, with hope: love does the things you say. Pressing against a stone wall, love only slumps down and cries about what it can't do. The beloved has a choice. I don't know what you think about faith, or Christianity in particular -- but if you know the gospel, you will recognize this "love problem" as God's problem. With all the love of God, even *that* love, can't heal (or "save") without consent. The beloved has a choice. I don't mean to make this a sermon, but, if faith is a thing that works for you, I wanted you to know that this particular heartache is one that folds you right into the heartache of God. If not, please disregard, and let me know, and I'll delete it. I'm not one if those people who waits for the worst day of your life to try and proselytize you. I just don't know what types of comfort might help. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: I am sorry you are sad. It is a helpless feeling when we can't help someone we care deeply about. Bolt is right on, though. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendy not in HI Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I'm not sure if love heals, but I know for sure that the opposite drives people away. Being loving toward someone may not actually change them in the way that you hope in the short term, but being around someone full of anger and spite can change anyone, and not for the better. And quickly. Choose love! It matters, but maybe only to you. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 (Hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 One of the things I've been learning to accept is that just because someone loves unconditionally doesn't mean it's accepted that way. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 ((((((Chris))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cave canem Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I am in the same place today. A person impervious to love, and alone, is so hard to behold. I wonder what it feels like to be that person falling asleep at night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 No, I don't think love heals. Some people are a never ending well of need and no amount of love will ever be enough to heal whatever the heck is wrong with them. They are too insecure, too needy. They don't love themselves enough to accept your love. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: I will be sad along with you. Peace and strength to you, dear Chris. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Sad with you. I feel the same way often about some people in my life. I like what Bolt had to say. Praying for your heartache, friend. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I think sometimes expressions of love can be about the lover, and not always about the loved. I, personally, feel the love for my loved-one; that I feel love for them will not help them, heal them, or change them. I think an expression of love that is ego-less, such as "holding space", is more healthy for the lover and the loved. I don't know if that's what you mean, though. Just musing, really. I'm sorry you are feeling sad. :( 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 ((©)) Standing alongside you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: 's Chris. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I truly believe God's love can heal anyone. But, He gave us free will and we can choose to turn away from His love. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Today I'm in sort of a sad space. I realized I don't believe love for another can heal that other. I think it's the best we have to offer each other, but I no longer seem to truly buy the whole idea that love is enough to bring healing/change/make someone better, not in a physical way, but you know, the inside of a person. I've known for a long time that one person can't change someone else, but I did think total, complete, unconditional, even fierce, love, could provide an environment that would so influence someone that healing could begin. Strong, intense light can kill bacteria, and that can allow a body to heal, right? So I thought of love the same way. I don't, anymore. It's just not enough. It'll never be enough. It still seems the right thing to do, loving. But it no longer seems to have the power I once thought it did. That feels so weird--hopeless, maybe. What do you think? No. If you've read my thread about my brother you can see an example of love not being enough. He was and is greatly loved....but it isn't enough. Same with my xh.....I did everything I knew how. It just wasn't enough. Bottom line is every human has to be responsible for themselves and their own happiness. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I'm sorry Chris. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 it seems weird to me that anyone would think that. Reported. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 ((Chris)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I think love CAN heal people. Love definitely healed me But I do not think it ALWAYS does so, not by a long shot. Still, sometimes it does, and not loving doesn't seem like a good option, so it's always worth it to try. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I'm sorry, Chris. It is a sad realization. It was sad to me when I realized all things were not fixable. Part of my understanding of God and faith was tangled up in this untrue and idealistic idea that all things could be repaired. Coming to terms with the reality that some things just totally suck, some things are tragic without reason, some people are mean and hurtful and dysfunctional and cannot ever be repaired was so sad to me. It felt like a piece of my happy optimism died. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I think love is a little like medicine. It only works if it's taken. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: I agree with you. It should happen, but doesn't. I blame media for why we think it should. It happens so often in movies or books or TV... but like so many things, those aren't the real world. They're our ideal world - the one we want to live in - where good always wins (at least for the main character who we identify with). The real world that we actually live in has many not-so-pretty parts and love not healing everyone is one of them. Nonetheless :grouphug: because I'm positive this thread wasn't started just as a concept. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I know I don't know you, but I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I think I would say that love is always a necessary condition for healing. Not sappy love, but real love, which is sometimes soft, but not always. And not all love is directed properly. I would also say that the need for healing is something caused, finally, by lack of love. We treat each other badly, or we are selfish, or we love ourselves inadequately, or our love is disordered. But these things aren't entirely erased just because a better love comes into the picture. Sometimes, with time, there will be some improvement, or maybe even a lot. Other times, the damage is so severe that no change will be evident. I do think though, that even when that is the case, the condition of being loved is better than not - and of course we never know what will happen. Part of loving is that it is unconditional - we don't love just so someone will heal, we love them because they deserve love. And always - people can set their will against change. Sometimes I think the will can even become fixed, the capacity for choice has been destroyed, if people make the same damaging choices long enough. From time to time though, we can see love change someone suddenly. like a kind of miracle. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 (edited) No, love can't heal everything, unless the person is willing to be healed and work towards healing. I am sorry. Edited December 30, 2015 by DawnM 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I'm sorry. :( The other person has to want to heal and want to change. Trying to love them into it is just another way to try to change them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I don't know that I've ever consciously believed that, but deep down somewhere hidden maybe I did. Love is precious and vulnerable. You know my story, I gave it out and have spent the last few years trying to heal myself. In between him and me there is a chasm of consequences that cannot be undone. I am not the giving tree, we cannot give all of ourselves away and leave nothing for our own nourishment. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Be kind to yourself, be kind to your heart. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Today I'm in sort of a sad space. I realized I don't believe love for another can heal that other. I think it's the best we have to offer each other, but I no longer seem to truly buy the whole idea that love is enough to bring healing/change/make someone better, not in a physical way, but you know, the inside of a person. The inside of the person is due to physical problems too, it's just that we can't see their brain. You wouldn't expect love to regrow a limb, you can't expect it to fix a brain either. But, IMHO, that's not the purpose of love. You love someone because they are your responsibility whether by birth or affection. Your love might not help them but it certainly helps you. It will give you hope that their life can be better, it will motivate you to offer practical assistance when they need it and it will help you see their positive points even when those seem few and far between. Everyone needs someone who sees their best qualities even when their deficits block most people's view. Even if 95% of the time is bad, try to cultivate at least a few moments each time you are together to appreciate the good points in everyone. Everyone likes to be seen in a good light, even if it's only for a small thing. It's encouraging and might motivate them to try to grow their good points eventually. It might not, but it will make both of you feel better right now. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zimom Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I don't want to, but most days I accept that love will not heal my mentally ill sibling. Deep down, I know this is true. Love can not heal all things. Especially when it comes to mental illness. I have plenty of other examples, but this is the one I struggle with the most. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I'm sorry, Chris. (((Chris))) Love might not heal, or it might not heal always, or it might not heal completely, but it is never wasted. You're a loving person, and that is a very good thing! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I thought that we loved people because of who they are, not because of who we want them to be. We can love someone, and at the same time know that we don't have the power to change them. That doesn't have to diminish the power of love or the importance of it. Love is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't remove pain from ourselves or from others. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: My hope is that when God restores all things it will include all the brokenness that love on earth couldn't heal. That doesn't mean that it makes intense pain here less devastating. :grouphug: 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Love is as much for the person doing the loving as the loved. There are people in my life that are so broken I don't think they could be fixed with all the therapy/ medicine in the world. God's love could do it, if they were open to that, but the truth is that many people do not want to change. They cannot imagine changing and they will cling to their broken behavior with intense passion. I try to show love to these people for myself, so that I am a truly loving person. It isn't for them, it is for me. That said, I am sorry, Chris. Your pain is certainly real and I hope you can have some healing and closure for yourself in the new year. You had a tough wake up call, but you will probably have new revelations because of it that will help you find peace on a new level. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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