Susan in TN Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 (((Chris))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I have recently gone through the same mind shift. Offering unconditional love is all I can do, and when I take away the burden of hoping it will somehow heal the other person I find that I have a much lighter load to carry-- and can subsequently meet this person where they are in a much healthier way. But, I too, also thought as you thought and-- hoped as you describe-- for a long time. It has been a painful process for sure. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Today I'm in sort of a sad space. I realized I don't believe love for another can heal that other. I think it's the best we have to offer each other, but I no longer seem to truly buy the whole idea that love is enough to bring healing/change/make someone better, not in a physical way, but you know, the inside of a person. I've known for a long time that one person can't change someone else, but I did think total, complete, unconditional, even fierce, love, could provide an environment that would so influence someone that healing could begin. Strong, intense light can kill bacteria, and that can allow a body to heal, right? So I thought of love the same way. I don't, anymore. It's just not enough. It'll never be enough. It still seems the right thing to do, loving. But it no longer seems to have the power I once thought it did. That feels so weird--hopeless, maybe. What do you think? I keep trying to type a response that will make sense...but I am at a loss of how to phrase it. For me in my very current situation (which while not new to still shocks) I keep reminding myself that He gives me the hope to keep on loving. That it is ok to love unconditionally, yet still keep up boundaries that keep me from falling over the edge. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Today I'm in sort of a sad space. I realized I don't believe love for another can heal that other. I think it's the best we have to offer each other, but I no longer seem to truly buy the whole idea that love is enough to bring healing/change/make someone better, not in a physical way, but you know, the inside of a person. I've known for a long time that one person can't change someone else, but I did think total, complete, unconditional, even fierce, love, could provide an environment that would so influence someone that healing could begin. Strong, intense light can kill bacteria, and that can allow a body to heal, right? So I thought of love the same way. I don't, anymore. It's just not enough. It'll never be enough. It still seems the right thing to do, loving. But it no longer seems to have the power I once thought it did. That feels so weird--hopeless, maybe. What do you think? I'm sorry you are hurting. What do I think? I think you are right. Love does not change people or push them in directions you want them to go. There is nothing that can effect change in another person except that other person themselves. People can only change when they want to and apply themselves to making that change. Love is not a power, but it isn't hopeless either. Love can be a support, a soft place to fall when things are hard, a capsule to hold memories.... many things that are worthwhile. So, while I do think you should shelve your expectations of any power that love may have over another person, it is still, in the end worthwhile to open yourself to giving and accepting love. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 ((Hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 I think love is a little like medicine. It only works if it's taken. Even medicine doesn't always work. Even when everything is done exactly right. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Love does not change people or push them in directions you want them to go. There is nothing that can effect change in another person except that other person themselves. People can only change when they want to and apply themselves to making that change. If people will allow it, love indeed can change them. But some won't change for anything, not even love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 I think sometimes expressions of love can be about the lover, and not always about the loved. I, personally, feel the love for my loved-one; that I feel love for them will not help them, heal them, or change them. I think an expression of love that is ego-less, such as "holding space", is more healthy for the lover and the loved. I don't know if that's what you mean, though. Just musing, really. I'm sorry you are feeling sad. :( I think holding space is such a gift to someone. I wish more people did it. Chris, I'm sorry you are in the midst of these thoughts & feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Today I'm in sort of a sad space. I realized I don't believe love for another can heal that other. I think it's the best we have to offer each other, but I no longer seem to truly buy the whole idea that love is enough to bring healing/change/make someone better, not in a physical way, but you know, the inside of a person. I've known for a long time that one person can't change someone else, but I did think total, complete, unconditional, even fierce, love, could provide an environment that would so influence someone that healing could begin. Strong, intense light can kill bacteria, and that can allow a body to heal, right? So I thought of love the same way. I don't, anymore. It's just not enough. It'll never be enough. It still seems the right thing to do, loving. But it no longer seems to have the power I once thought it did. That feels so weird--hopeless, maybe. What do you think? I went through a similarly challenging process of discovery a few years ago. It was sad and frightening. My thoughts are with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Sadder was the realization that their loving me wasn't enough to change them either. Hugs. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaeFlowers Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I didn't read all the responses so this may have already been said. The problem isn't that love can't heal wounds. It's that it can't erase the scars. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TianXiaXueXiao Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't believe my love or any human love has the same transformative power as God's mercy. I believe love does heal but I also believe that it is not up to me to judge when or how that happens. Sometimes what we see as the presenting sign that someone just needs enough of the right kind of love for healing is merely an indication of something else hidden that we may never know of or understand enough to really see or touch in any meaningful way. We are all so complex in our brokenness. (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingiguana Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 It doesn't heal if the person doesn't want it. And it may not be the right thing for you to do. There are people out there who are so hateful and hurtful that loving them is a damaging thing. And sometimes you need to save yourself. And save the other people you love in your life. At least, this is the conclusion I've come to after my last year of hell. Love can be a bargaining chip. It can be used against you in the most despicable ways. It does not conquer all. Sometimes it is wise to protect yourself first, when you're dealing with people who can't accept love. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I'm so sorry, Chris. Lots of pain in your words. :grouphug: I believe that God has the ability to heal fully but those healed may still walk with a limp. But I cannot. Even my love cannot. But I can pray. And hope that the person will go to God and do the hard work for complete healing. And provide a safe, loving, warm place. But I've probably not been where you are and I cannot imagine the pain there. Just sending hugs and prayers to you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I think love is a little like medicine. It only works if it's taken. This. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingiguana Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 Beauty and the Beast doesn't generally work in the real world 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 As a veterinarian I used to work with would say, it is "essential, but not sufficient." In other words, love is one needed thing, but not the only thing. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Above The Rowan Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I think feeling loved can give you a safe space from which one can do some healing. But love itself is often not enough. You know there's the saying "if you can't be happy alone you'll never be happy with any other partner". I disagree. I was terribly unhappy and largely unable to heal from some traumas, when I first met my current partner. While his love did not heal me, in and of itself, his supportive loving kindness has given me a safe home base that has allowed me to really heal and to really be happy. Knowing you're in the safe company of someone who loves you, can be very powerful in finding your own happiness and health and healing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swimmermom3 Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 Today I'm in sort of a sad space. I realized I don't believe love for another can heal that other. I think it's the best we have to offer each other, but I no longer seem to truly buy the whole idea that love is enough to bring healing/change/make someone better, not in a physical way, but you know, the inside of a person. I've known for a long time that one person can't change someone else, but I did think total, complete, unconditional, even fierce, love, could provide an environment that would so influence someone that healing could begin. Strong, intense light can kill bacteria, and that can allow a body to heal, right? So I thought of love the same way. I don't, anymore. It's just not enough. It'll never be enough. It still seems the right thing to do, loving. But it no longer seems to have the power I once thought it did. That feels so weird--hopeless, maybe. What do you think? :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Our beloved dd has struggled with severe depression for eight years now and in the first half of 2015, we unexpectedly nearly lost our oldest son after a bad break-up. I hold lightly to so much these days. I think where I stand right now is that I don't necessarily believe "love can heal anything," because, well, then my dc would be whole and happy because they are fiercely loved, right? But I do know from conversations with some of dd's friends who have also struggled, that it is important for the person who needs healing to know that you are there for them. That knowledge can tip the scales. On the other hand, there comes to be a certain level of acceptance. Take care of yourself, Chris. It's a difficult place. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) Today I'm in sort of a sad space. I realized I don't believe love for another can heal that other. I think it's the best we have to offer each other, but I no longer seem to truly buy the whole idea that love is enough to bring healing/change/make someone better, not in a physical way, but you know, the inside of a person. I've known for a long time that one person can't change someone else, but I did think total, complete, unconditional, even fierce, love, could provide an environment that would so influence someone that healing could begin. Strong, intense light can kill bacteria, and that can allow a body to heal, right? So I thought of love the same way. I don't, anymore. It's just not enough. It'll never be enough. It still seems the right thing to do, loving. But it no longer seems to have the power I once thought it did. That feels so weird--hopeless, maybe. What do you think? I think I disagree. I happen to live with two amazingly selfless, loving people in our family (and then there are the rest of us, including me, ;). ). Something terribly traumatic emotionally has happened. One of these people sat up with me talking all night. It lifted the darkness and things are lighter today, though nothing has visibly changed and if it does, God has to do it. Anyway, this person understands the power of love. I hope this happens for you very soon. Edited January 2, 2016 by TranquilMind Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I didn't read all the responses so this may have already been said. The problem isn't that love can't heal wounds. It's that it can't erase the scars. But the scars fade over time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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