Being a Parent to Adult Getting Married Young

[goldberry]

DD is 18, will be 19 in about 10-15 days.  BF (boyfriend) will be 20 in May.  They have been dating for 2 years and got engaged a week or so ago.  BF joined Marine Reserves and just finished his training.  He has a decent full time job at Home Depot.  He wants to be a police officer, which he can't apply to until he is 21, so he is working full time and finishing his Associates.  DD is in school for Secondary Education and plans to continue and finish her school.  We plan to continue to help with college as long as she stays in school full time, because we WANT her to finish school.  They are both immature (of course) but a decent match.  BF is a nice stable boy, treats DD respectfully, similar value system.  They both have goals they are pursuing.

 

OF COURSE we talked to them as this was progressing that it was smarter to wait, all the reasoning, emotional and financial, yada, yada.  OF COURSE we pointed out all the potential pitfalls.  And OF COURSE, they think they are different and it will all work out.  ;)  Maybe it will.  We are now hoping for the best.

 

So, we're not continuing to be negative about it, although we are not being overly gushy.  We are helping with the wedding. They have asked for advice about things, and we are sharing advice.  We are not saying "Well, you should just wait instead".  We are going ahead and giving advice they ask for about finding apartments, budgets, etc.

 

Because of this, I am getting totally slammed.  "You are making this easy for them!  How can you be encouraging them like this?  I can't believe you're supporting/giving your approval to them getting married so young!"  When I point out that they can and will get married without our approval, I am being told that "by helping them out, you're telling them it's okay and a great idea"  The implication seems to be we should refuse to help with the wedding and refuse to give any advice, in the hope that maybe they will magically "come to their senses" and realize they are too young and should wait.    

 

I guess I'm half venting, half.... I don't know.  I am not going to respond to them getting married too young the same way I would respond if I thought this was a destructive or dangerous relationship.  That seems to be what is expected of me.  I am really tired of all the snide comments toward DH and I.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds to me that you have thought it through and have a good approach.  My only suggestion is to stop telling people what you are doing to advise or help this couple.  It is none of their business and only invites comment. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Your friends are being jerks.

Don't listen to them.  I don't blame you for being annoyed.

 

Taking the stance that you support your kid is a good thing.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Besides, as you pointed out, this is not a Big Red Flag situation, and does not warrant that kind of freeze.

[alisoncooks]

I was married as a 19 year old college student. My parents were so supportive...but I realize now they were probably not happy about it. Shoot, I can't imagine my own child getting married so young!

 

But (other than their initial shock) they did all they could to help us and ensure I graduated. (I did, a semester early with a 4.0, just to thumb my nose at all the naysayers). Still married 17 years later.

 

Best wishes as your family wades through this new territory.

[AK_Mom4]

Jean has it right.

 

Love your kids. Support your kids. Do what is right for your family. And tell anyone who gives you grief to go take a hike.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, FWIW, I think getting married young is a TERRIBLE idea......BUT...BUT...this situation doesn't sound terrible to me at all.  It really doesn't.  And you are handling it awesomely.

 

 

[luuknam]

I guess I'm half venting, half.... I don't know.  I am not going to respond to them getting married too young the same way I would respond if I thought this was a destructive or dangerous relationship.  That seems to be what is expected of me.  I am really tired of all the snide comments toward DH and I.

 

 

Sounds like you need new friends. Or new family (not sure who is making these comments, but they're toxic).

[SparklyUnicorn]

My kids do not always do stuff I am thrilled about.  And I'm sure that won't change.  They are my kids though and I'd do just about anything to support them.  Why someone else can't understand that is beyond me. 

[Arctic Bunny]

I can tell you that DH’s parents went the freeze-out route, and all that changed was that it has taken 22 years for their relationship with him (and me) to recover.

[Zebra]

I get really sick of people saying people are "too young" to get married or that the reason their marriage failed was because they were "too young".

 

It's stupid.   People are ill suited, or getting married for the wrong reasons, or whatever, that's why their marriage failed.   Not because they were "too young".   Young people can be stupid and impulsive, but so can people who are old enough to know better.

 

I don't think everyone should get married young either.   I just think you should get married, when you should get married.

 

If your dc isn't in any sort of red flag relationship, I don't see what choice you have but to support their decision.   They are adults.  They have the right to make what could be a really good decision or a really bad one.   It's not up to you to punish them for not doing exactly what you think they should do.  You're friends are being annoying, and I think I would politely tell them to butt out.  Or not so politely.... :lol: !

 

 

 

[Liz CA]

I disagree with your friends or whoever is commenting that you should not be supportive.

Of course they will encounter hurdles (as we all do) and because they are still young it may be harder for them to navigate. Having supportive parents who do not preach is wonderful.

I would do exactly as you are. I understand the hesitation on your part because you know what life can be like but being young does not mean they are doomed automatically. Many people mature together - in fact this is likely true for all of us even those of us who got married a little later. 

 

Be there, let them know you are for them in a non-judgmental way, be encouraging in all the good things like premarital counseling, couples mentors (some churches offer this), anything that is available and they are willing to try. 

 

And let others prattle on, smile and thank them for their opinion, then do what you feel is right. :)

[unsinkable]

Is this the same relationship in which the DD couldn't sleep at the BF's house when she couldn't drive home?

 

Or am I confusing it with another poster?

[Kassia]

I was 19 and DH was 22 when we married almost 31 years ago.  Both sets of parents were against it, but my parents were supportive after they realized we weren't going to change our minds.  My MIL never accepted it and it was very hurtful to me.  I think you are doing the right thing - you can't change things and have to think of your relationship first.  Good luck to the happy couple!

[bettyandbob]

My brother got married a few weeks shy of 20. His wife was recently 19. My aunt gave them some beautiful crystal while telling my parents that if the marriage did not last she wanted the crystal back.

 

My brother has been married 35 years. He has 2 grad degrees. My sil has one grad degree. My brother has a very successful business. And they've raised a couple of great daughters. My aunt is still a rude jerk.

 

I think your approach will help the couple be successful. If you aren't supportive you risk causing long term harm to your relationship with your DD and future son in law.

[maize]

You are doing the right thing.

 

You may not view their choice to marry now as ideal, but it is not a terrible or immoral choice. Now that their decision has been made your proper role is to put your support behind them as a couple.

 

This is most likely to benefit both your daughter and your relationship with the young couple.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I can tell you that DH’s parents went the freeze-out route, and all that changed was that it has taken 22 years for their relationship with him (and me) to recover.

 

Yeah and see this is so stupid.  Do I really want to be like that and have zero relationship with my kid?  I don't.  It's their life and I respect that.

[Prairie~Phlox]

I got married at 20 & have been married alost 23 years. We’re enjoying that our kids are almost out of the house and we are still young. Youngest is 16, It’s not always been easy but I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Keep supporting them and ignore all the other idiots

[KathyBC]

DD is 18, will be 19 in about 10-15 days.  BF (boyfriend) will be 20 in May.  They have been dating for 2 years and got engaged a week or so ago.  BF joined Marine Reserves and just finished his training.  He has a decent full time job at Home Depot.  He wants to be a police officer, which he can't apply to until he is 21, so he is working full time and finishing his Associates.  DD is in school for Secondary Education and plans to continue and finish her school.  We plan to continue to help with college as long as she stays in school full time, because we WANT her to finish school.  They are both immature (of course) but a decent match.  BF is a nice stable boy, treats DD respectfully, similar value system.  They both have goals they are pursuing.

 

OF COURSE we talked to them as this was progressing that it was smarter to wait, all the reasoning, emotional and financial, yada, yada.  OF COURSE we pointed out all the potential pitfalls.  And OF COURSE, they think they are different and it will all work out.  ;)  Maybe it will.  We are now hoping for the best.

 

So, we're not continuing to be negative about it, although we are not being overly gushy.  We are helping with the wedding. They have asked for advice about things, and we are sharing advice.  We are not saying "Well, you should just wait instead".  We are going ahead and giving advice they ask for about finding apartments, budgets, etc.

 

Because of this, I am getting totally slammed.  "You are making this easy for them!  How can you be encouraging them like this?  I can't believe you're supporting/giving your approval to them getting married so young!"  When I point out that they can and will get married without our approval, I am being told that "by helping them out, you're telling them it's okay and a great idea"  The implication seems to be we should refuse to help with the wedding and refuse to give any advice, in the hope that maybe they will magically "come to their senses" and realize they are too young and should wait.    

 

I guess I'm half venting, half.... I don't know.  I am not going to respond to them getting married too young the same way I would respond if I thought this was a destructive or dangerous relationship.  That seems to be what is expected of me.  I am really tired of all the snide comments toward DH and I.

Without reading all the other comments, married people statistically tend to do better with their schooling than singles, or so I've been told. As long as they are diligent with birth control, marriage will likely help them both stay on track with their goals.

[StephanieZ]

(((hugs))) 

 

IMHO, you are doing just great. 

 

Your kid is an adult, and it's no longer your job to control what she does. This is a difficult reality to adjust to, as I know well!

 

At the end of the day, marriages succeed or fail at all sorts of ages and life stages . . . No guarantees for anyone, anytime. You've done your best to guide your kid, and now she gets to fly. All you can do is keep loving and mothering her -- as an adult -- the best you can. You'll figure it out. You're leading with love, and that's all any of us can do.

 

Keep loving your kids, keep being supportive, keep hoping for the best, and tell the KnowItAlls to pound sand. Politely. Or, just ask them to pass the bean dip. 

 

[Joules]

I think they are too young, and I would tell them.  I am always honest when sharing my opinion with ds.  But then, I always let him know that it is just my opinion and I will love and support him no matter what.  (We haven't hit anything in the immoral/illegal territory, so I haven't crossed that bridge.)  I would definitely be helping them with the wedding and sharing in their joy, and if it ultimately fails, I'll be right there with a shoulder and no "I told you so."

[katilac]

I don't see what other choice you have. You are playing it down the middle quite nicely - you didn't encourage it, but what's the sense in not helping and giving requested advice once they make up their minds?  As others have noted, they will remember it for quite a long time if you are negative. 

 

 

 

And on a separate note, I supposedly "ruined my life" by getting pregnant when I was 17.  I am 40 now, and I would say my life is not ruined. 

 

Unexpected babies change your plans, they don't ruin your life! 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I think you're doing great.  

 

What they are planing to do is legal, morally acceptable, and certainly normal, if not common or statistically "the best plan".  To oppose this would seriously damage the relationship.  You've voiced your concerns and they are making adult decisions as they sse fit.  That's what adults get to do.  And parents get to decide if they want to continue to help with college.  Parents' friends get to Mind Their Own Business.    

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Also, as others have said, what is the alternative?  Removing financial support for her degree?  For what?  Spite?  To teach her a lesson?  Ridiculous.  I could see only offering a token amount for the wedding, that's within the realm of reasonable, but it certainly isn't generous if you can afford to contribute more.  

[6packofun]

As someone who got engaged and married younger than usual, it would have meant a LOT to both dh and me if our parents had done more than just "consented" to help us plan a wedding.  Concern, assistance, loving advice, treating them as the adults they are...it all sounds beautiful to me!!

[Garga]

I was 19 and dh was 24 when we got married.

 

I do think I was too young. I didn’t know enough about myself or my dh. We only knew each other 9 months (no pregnancy) before we were married. We were engaged after 6 months

 

A few days after we were engaged and were coming up with a wedding date my dad said, “Eh, why wait a long time? Get married in June.†We had gotten engaged on April 1st.

 

I look back and think my parents were NUTS for never once telling us to wait. Sheesh. 6 months of dating and then a 2.5 month engagement. If a 50 year old got engaged after only 6 months, it would be too soon, but a barely 19 yo? Yikes! Really too soon!

 

Anyway. We’ve been married for 25 years.There are some odd mis-matches between us and I think if I’d been older, or had actually gotten to know him *before* I married him...well who knows what would have happened. But we’ve stayed married and stable and have a good life. I still think getting married after knowing someone for less than a year is nuts and I wish someone had actually told me that.

 

You have already told your DD and her BF that it’s too soon, they’re too young, and they should wait. After that, there’s nothing more you can tell them. It’s right for you to support them now, so that they can have a good foundation so that they can be successful since they’re determined to marry. They sound like decent people and will most likely be fine.

 

Actually...I just realized something: about 75% of the couples that I know got married when they were under 23. And out of all my friends and aquaintances, only 3 couples divorced. That’s a lot of people who married young and have stayed married for over 20 years. That’s out of about 20 couples that I’m thinking of. And for one of the couples, I’m not sure how old they were when they married.

 

So, yeah. You’ve told them your concerns and now it’s time to accept their decision and support them.

 

I have no idea if my MIL told my DH he was making a mistake before we married, but she was never anything but gracious and welcoming when I was a 19 year old kid who came out of nowhere and married her son in 9 months.

Edited December 31, 2017 by Garga

[livetoread]

I am not in favor of young marriage, but after stating my concerns, I’d do exactly as you are. We can’t predict the future, and they might be just fine. Yes, the odds say overall it’s better to wait, but who knows with any individual couple. I want to respect my young adult’s decisions as long as they aren’t too stupid or dangerous. And yes, I have a 19yo who has tested that resolve a couple of times, lol.

[Jyhwkmama]

I think you are doing great. They are adults. You cannot keep them from getting married.

The only thing I would do in addition to what you are doing is have a frank discussion with my daughter about family planning and how having a baby before she is done with her schooling (or really close to the end) could derail her plans for years. If she is not getting medical care she needs for this, offer to help her pay for a doctor. (She might still be in your health insurance?)

Edited January 1, 2018 by Jyhwkmama

[TravelingChris]

I have seen young people have problems with early marriage and I have seen much older people have problems with marriage very soon after marrying too.  We too had to just support our daughter, who got married earlier than we preffered and then the in-laws preffered too. Our philosophy of parenting adults is offer advice but respect the adult\s boundaries and decisions.  It is because we really change our parenting style once they reach adulthood that our kids are still really close to us.  

 

Ignore the rude people.  As many others have said here and you said so well, it is not immoral or illegal.  They have a plan even if it isn't what you would have chosen.  You are doing great.  Find new friends because none of my friends gave me any hassle over our daughter getting married at 21.

[kbutton]

I think you are handling things wisely. I know lots of very long, happy marriages that started with 18, 19 and even 17 year old spouses. I think it's awesome you are willing to provide financial support to finish college as well. 

 

My friend that married young AND had a baby while in college finished and is using her degree (to the max). She had to bust her butt (I don't think her parents could afford college or much support), but I gather the biggest headache was getting past bigoted professors who wouldn't let her miss certain things if she went into labor on a less than ideal day. But the unbending professor thing happens for all kinds of reasons--surgeries, etc. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Also, as others have said, what is the alternative?  Removing financial support for her degree?  For what?  Spite?  To teach her a lesson?  Ridiculous.  I could see only offering a token amount for the wedding, that's within the realm of reasonable, but it certainly isn't generous if you can afford to contribute more.  

My parents did the 'token amount' thing to my sister, who announced her engagement at her 21st birthday lunch, and it caused problems for a long time.

 

They said that they didn't approve, but that they felt obligated to at least give them the amount they would spend on DSis's college for the following year that she had to go.  It's hard to overstate how pinched and angry they sounded when they made this offer.  'Obligated' was definitely the word.  Not joy there.  Since this was 30 years ago, and she was attending a public university as a commuter student, this was a minimal amount of money, too.  I got married earlier that same year, and although they did not pay for everything (nor did I expect them to), they gave me about twice as much as her.  

 

I was so mad at them for treating her and her fiance the way they did.  I offered to loan them money at about a third the normal interest rate (all I could pull off at the time as I would have been borrowing the money and paying the rest of the interest myself, something I did not tell them) if they came up short for their wedding expenses, I gave them a couple of nights at a B and B as a wedding present (otherwise they would not have had a honeymoon at all), and I took DSis shopping for good lingerie as a shower gift.  Luckily my BIL's father had been in the military so they could have their reception at a beautiful officers' club for a very reasonable price.

 

In those days you could get a lot of financial aid as an 'independent' student once you were married, and so DSis did OK using the college money from our parents for the wedding and then still finishing college.  The actions of my folks created a rift with her and her DH, and they moved out of state and distanced themselves quite a bit emotionally as well.  This lasted for quite a long time, and it was more about the attitude and resentment that my parents showed than just the money.  

Edited December 31, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[wendy not in HI]

One good thing about marrying early is that they can fill out the fafsa with their own financial info and will qualify for financial aid, grants, etc. :)

 

My daughter married this summer at 19 years old. I was sad when they first became serious and I could tell that they would likely marry quickly. It's not terribly unusual for kids at BYU to marry young, but I was not prepared for this daughter to be one to fall in love so quickly. He's a great young man and we think of marriage as a wonderful thing. It was just not on my radar!

 

I had many uncomfortable conversations with my non-mormon friends. It is weird for kids to marry young. On the other hand, college age is a time of transition for many kids. Being in love and marrying is far from the worst mess that these kids can make!

 

She is home for the holidays with her new husband and they are really cute together. I'm happy for their joy.

 

Best wishes to your daughter and her fiancé. If you feel comfortable with their relationship, then I say celebrate with them and ignore they poo poo-ers in your life.

[Arctic Bunny]

Yeah and see this is so stupid. Do I really want to be like that and have zero relationship with my kid? I don't. It's their life and I respect that.

And I am forever grateful that my mom only listened to my MIL’s plan for a year or so before ditching it and being supportive.

My grandma didn’t have to “approveâ€. But she thought it would be lovely if I could come for tea and help out with a few things once in a while. And I may as well bring the laundry along at the same time so I didn’t have to pay for a laundromat.

So, OP, there are so many ways to be supportive without spoon feeding. And why do people WANT young people to fail? Is it that satisfying to say “I told you so?†How much more satisfying to look back and say, “We helped build those foundations!â€

“They succeeded with our help!†rather than “They succeeded in spite of (or worse, TO spite) us.â€

[sassenach]

You are right and whoever is slamming you needs to be shut down and told that their opinion is not welcome.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I was 17 and dh was 19 when we got married. Just celebrated 20. We were not super mature or wise, but I still think getting married young has been a distinct ADVANTAGE in our lives.

[fraidycat]

You are doing the right thing.

 

The number one priority is maintaining a loving and trusting relationship with your DD and her fiancee/husband.

 

That way, no matter what happens, you can be there to support them when needed AND share the happier times, too.

 

The naysayers are wrong. If you want a recipe for family dischord, drama, and stressed relationships for years to come - trying to control young adults as they launch into making their own decisions is a good way to do it. These are the same people that will be wondering why their kids don’t want to bring the grandkids over for Christmas, or why they only get token phone calls at birthdays and on Mother’s/Father’s day vs. having a close relationship with their adult kids and their families.

[MEmama]

I think you are doing awesome.

 

My mother has never truly accepted DH and reading this thread has me wondering if it's because we got married so young. Or maybe it would be that way anyway, there's no way to tell. Regardless, getting married young was great for us--I feel like we got to grow up together, in a sense, something that can't happen the same way later in life. Getting married is right when it's right, not because a couple has reached some magical age.

 

Your relationship with your daughter and future SIL is clearly a priority for you and because of your honest support, they will never doubt it. Keep strong mama, and let the naysayers go. I suspect you know you are doing the right thing. â¤ï¸

[Carol in Cal.]

The more I think of this the more perturbed I am.

 

DH had a work colleague that he wasn't even friends with who got married because his girlfriend was 8 months pregnant.

The wedding was at the MGM Grand, 6 hours away, on Valentines' Day, and the ceremony was slated for 20 minutes, no reception, but a picture with the lion was included.

Nobody really wanted to spend their Valentines' Days at this venue, but a whole gang of guys and their wives (including us) made the effort and did this because they wanted to support their friend and this marriage.  

 

If people can do this for an acquaintance, how much more so for a kid?  

[J-rap]

You're handling it well, and it's not anyone else's business to slam you for it. 

 

In hind site, I wish we had tried harder to talk our own dc to wait longer, but he was adamant and we wanted to be supportive, and I'm not sure if waiting five years would have made a difference or not.

 

I tend to think it's more a personality issue than an age issue, generally.

[ktgrok]

You are right, and support is the best you can do. It is their decision. That said, I would HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY advise them to have REAL premarital counseling of some sort, either from a good therapist or a church organization that you trust, or whatever. Because they are young there are things that will come up they haven't considered or dealt with before and good premarital counseling can help figure out what those things are and give them a chance to work out agreements before the you know what hits the fan. To the point where I would seek out what their options are, get the contact info, find out what is involved, and offer to pay for it as part of your wedding planning. 

 

I was VERY impressed with the FOCCUS questionnaire and process when DH and I went through it before having our marriage consolidated by the Catholic Church. They developed it, but many religions and organizations use it, not just Catholics. It covered EVERYTHING, and you take it separately, and then meet with a mentor couple to discuss the places your answers disagree or conflict. It's not a test to see if you should get married, but a way to explore differences so you avoid being blindsided. http://www.foccusinc.com/facilitators-find.aspx

[frogger]

My brother got married a few weeks shy of 20. His wife was recently 19. My aunt gave them some beautiful crystal while telling my parents that if the marriage did not last she wanted the crystal back.

 

My brother has been married 35 years. He has 2 grad degrees. My sil has one grad degree. My brother has a very successful business. And they've raised a couple of great daughters. My aunt is still a rude jerk.

 

 

I would have given it back right then.

[Heatherwith4]

I got married at 19, and it has worked out beautifully for us. When we became officially engaged, my childless uncle freaked out on my mom and told her she needed to stop me. She and I laughed about it, because there would have been no stopping us.

 

Anyway, I’m sorry you’re getting those comments, and it sounds like you’re handling things well.

[PrincessMommy]

The things is there really isn't any one right way to go about this.  I think you're awesome.   Waiting definitely has its drawbacks too. 

 

 

 

[KrissiK]

I have not read all the replies, but I want to let you know that I think you are doing the right thing. They sound like they have a plan and the ability to support themselves. If the marriage is going to work, one thing that will be important is a good family support system.

[frogger]

I think you are doing the right thing. IMO the best way to destroy a relationship with an adult child is to try to control them. That being said I only have one 18 year old so I haven't BTDT.

 

I was married at 18 about 20 years ago. It has been great. My parents were supportive and maybe they had misgivings but if they did they kept it to themselves. I'm very glad I got married young and we could share our life journey together.

 

If you are being supportive they may accept advice on pre-marriage counseling and figuring out things like birth control, managing money, and setting up plans ahead of time, and how to make decisions when you disagree that would go a long way to getting them started off on the right foot.

[ktgrok]

I have a friend whose brother is a Roman Catholic priest.  He said that pre-marital counseling is the most frustrating part of his life, because "you are talking to someone about the most important decision they will ever make at the most unteachable moment of their lives."  I thought that was well put.  :0)  (And I agree with you, KTGROK, and I *have* seen people call it off when they were in pre-marital counseling...not arguing...I just thing the priest put it so well...)

 

I laughed reading this, because it IS true. When I married my exhusband I was totally pigheaded about it. Don't get me wrong, the premarital counseling the minister did with us was a total joke, but I totally get that I was not in the right frame of mind to really consider any downsides or conflicts. In fact, I walked in, said, "I'm Christian but he's buddhist, and I'm pregnant, so we need to get married as soon as possible." The poor minister was very young, totally caved, and did pretty much nothing with us. 

 

I do wish we'd done the FOCCUS one back then. or that I had been Catholic...a priest would never have married us. I was doing it because I felt I should, due to societal pressure as a pregnant woman, and my poor ex was mentally unstable at the time, dealing with debilitating depression and social anxiety. 

 

Not that I think the OP's daughter is in that kind of situation. But anyone can benefit from good premarital counseling! Learning communication skills, learning about each other's points of view, discussing finances and childrearing and sex and all that stuff before hand is just a good idea. 

[TeenagerMom]

You are not wrong.  I have a DD who is likely headed to marry young.  They have been together for over a year now already, are both mature, and very well suited.  We completely support them whatever they decide. Right now their plan is waiting a few more years, but we all know plans change.  We have already discussed wedding ideas, etc. 

 

My DD's personality is one that if she felt we were opposed to their relationship, marriage, etc., they would probably elope on her 18th birthday.

[Kanin]

Well, there's really nothing you can do to stop people from getting married! Everyone is different, so getting married young works for some people and doesn't for others... same as getting married later :-) You sound like an awesome, rational, no-drama mom. 

 

When I moved in with my now-husband when we were both 19, I'm sure all of our parents were freaking out, but luckily nobody let on. It would have just made us more determined, anyway! 

[LMD]

That’s an insightful priest. As parents I think all we can do is try and give them “pre-marital advice†as they grow up. Not wait until they’ve chosen. Once they’re ready to fly they’re going to take it or leave it.

This is our approach too. We've had some big conversations about choosing wisely.

 

I got married at 18, so I'd be a giant hypocrite if I had a problem with it. I do agree with premarital counselling, it was required by our minister and I found it valuable.

 

My mother has no faith in marriage and she split up with her 4th husband the week before my wedding day. One of the issues that caused our estrangement was her hatred of my husband, her waiting for our relationship to fall apart, her trying to control my adult life. 15 years later I can see things from her perspective better but it's too late, she crashed and burned the relationship to ashes. I still madly love my husband and we have a good life.

[MotherGoose]

I'm Catholic. I believe marriag is for life. You may or may not share my views about divorce, which is totally fine! I think you are doing a great job of being supportive of them. I would spend my time talking to the couple about marriage and getting them premarriage counseling and that sort of stuff to try to make the marriage as smooth as possible. I've been with my dh since I was 19. Although we didn't get married until I was 25 and "lived in sin" for part of that time. I wasn't

Catholic then.

[Retired]

I think you should be supportive but nothing wrong with spelling out to them how dang hard it will be.  the one thing you don't' do is against or negative.  They remember and be hurt for a long time at the naysayers

 

I was married at 20.  It was a mistake and my life has been hard as hell.  But we are still married 27 years later.  I've been adamant with my sons wait to at least 25 for marriage and a bit later for kids. But if they dont' I will help them as much as they need.  I know what its like to be on my own without family support at 18.

 

I think the kids really don't' know what they will miss out on growing up so fast.  When they get around 30 they look back and figure out they should of waited to grow up  LOL  I was working full time and help raised my younger sibling.  I was mature and life was life  But I still at 47 really wish I would of had those early 20's to find me.  When you enter marriage so young.  You don't figure out  your wants likes.  You spend so much time compromising or as most women giving up you to keep a peaceful home.  I had a kid at 23  and married someone with bipolar (didn't know that at young country girl 20 year old didn't even know what it was LOL)  I went to college at 21 while working, married and a baby.  My life has been hard. 

 

Now what happen at 30 is they both work at it and stay together or one of them gets wow I haven't bar hopped, dated around and been a selfish 20 something.   Then they may end up divorce.  But you will be there  for her and never say I told you so.  My parents were never there for me.  Yet I still supported and help them in their later years.   Life is not fair or do over.  We just do the best we can and be the best people we can be.

 

I know lots of people that married at 17-23 that are still married in their 40's and 50's  But all of us have a religious  belief in marriage so I think that helps keep- us- keeping- on 

 

I know lots of people that waited to marry at 30 and are divorced at 45.  There is no guarantee 

depending on age.  It all comes down to how stubborn someone is to keep married LOL.  marriage is hard work no matter the age.  My sister has been married 3 times and she is divorcing a guy that her marriage to him was his 6th (she is 45 and he is 55)  Sometimes people never grow up.  

 

Just love and be their for you kids.  I think you are doing the right thing for your child

[Lanny]

I read all of post #1, twice. I haven't read the other responses. OP I believe you and your DH are doing the  correct things. If you are getting "totally slammed", then I believe that you should "Unfriend" those people. If they are relatives, distance yourselves from them. Your Nuclear family is what matters to you and to your DH. Many people have gotten married that young and been together for 60 or 70 years. I hope your DD and her Fiancee are in that group of lucky people. Much good luck to them!