My heart broke this weekend. Rumination of a changing life.

[Tap]

Many of you know, I have raised a very difficult great-niece since she was 5mo (dd17 in my bio).  Due to her continual defiance,  violence, and many, many reasons, my xh and I surrendered guardianship back to the state of Oregon this month.  There was the very distinct possibility that she would go to foster care, but her bio-dad stepped up and reluctantly, and provisionary, accepted her into his home. She has seen him weekly for  some years of her life. Some other years....not at all. But most recently, once a month... or two and their relationship has been getting a bit better.  Definitely not great, but better than nothing. It is all a mixed bag of emotions. He struggles emotionally himself, works only part time right now at a grocery store (after not working for 3 years) and has his own emotional health issues. His wife is....'okay'....seems more stable than him.....but just....well, its complicated.  But at the end of they day, she accepted this very complicated teenager into her home...so there is that. 💙 They are also trying to conceive a child of their own, so we will have to see what happens there. Bio-dad is 40ish and she is younger than that but not not by much. They have said before. they couldn't afford to take my dd, because they were trying to have another and couldn't afford 2 kids. But since dd will be 18 in the fall.....maybe that changes things. They have a back up plan of moving her to a care facility, if things don't work out. We will see if they can survive the 8 months before she becomes a legal adult. 

On top of that, I had to rehome her dog. She was a absolute sweetie, and I adored her, A goldendoodle with soft curls and a bright eyes.  I needed to rehome her so dd could move on.  One big concern, was that dd would absolutely try to return to my house, if she knew that the dog was here. Bio-dad wouldn't take the dog. DD now lives about 30 minutes from me and only a public transit bus ride away. I know she would try to return home, to be with me and especially the dog. She knows I will eventually life with boyfriend, who only lives 2 miles from her school and an easy, downhill 30 minute walk...or 5 minute bus ride. Which will only make it easier and more tempting to return to her former life that no longer exists. It was best for dd for the dog to go, but not for me. 😞

I found the picture perfect family for the dog. Very, very similar life style and family to ours. Great pet parents, with a teen at home and a WFH dad.  But I know the dog will be confused and depressed as she transitions to a new home at 5yo. 😞 I only wish she could understand....and maybe someday forgive me for disappearing from her life. 

DD went to live with bio-dad on Friday and it resulted in her going to the hospital for a significant suicide threat the same night.   Pup left today to her new home.  It hasn't been easy. So many of my tears have been shed this weekend. Honestly, more than when either of my parents passed. Probably because it was my abrupt, heartbreaking decision...not just time and life, slipping away. 

Boyfriend is working out of town which on one hand is good, because I can process emotions freer, but also hard because I am absolutely really, truly alone for the first time in forever.

I have had the bustle of kids for 29 years. I was with my xh since I was 18yo, had ds at 22.  I walked into a quiet, dark, cold house tonight for the first time +++++ever.++++. I grew up with 4 siblings, lived with my parents (as my older sibs slowly moved out) moved in my boyfriend/eventual husband, had kids, divorced-still had kids at home,  still friends with my xh, was a single parent with kids/dog, and now for the first time in all my life.....have a completely empty home.  When I was raising kids and they were all sleeping away on the same night, it is a wonderful break. A moment of bliss before the chaos  inevitably returned. 

Tonight. This achingly quiet house Was not that. It was....the end. 3 decades of family,  23 years in this light blue house on the curve in the road. Where all the kids played because had the good grass, a huge shade tree and a segment of street with no cars ...excellent for kick ball or riding bikes. . Tonight the quiet resonates.

I am moving to boyfriend's house sometime this summer. My son and his fiancé are taking over my house. Life will move onward and optimistically upward. They are planning four kids and lots of family.  The house will be vibrant once again. 

But tonight!!!! This week. This month. The chaos of a homeschool family. The fuzz ball lookin up with her gold eyes asking for pets... is gone. The house is quiet. My heart in shatters. 

 

 

 

[Kassia]

Big hugs to you @Tap  That's a lot to process all at once.  

[Rosie_0801]

That's some big stuff, Tap. (((hugs)))

It sure does suck to be that kind of alone.

[SKL]

I'm sorry that you had to make that decision.  I understand rationally that this is probably best for your daughter in the long run.  She should be able to access more state resources as a ward of the state, and I hope that helps her a lot.  (Sorry that it works that way, but it is what it is.)

I too have never been alone in my life.  I crave it sometimes.  Other times I fear it.

I pray for your heart to find peace.  Your daughter and pup will be better soon.  And you can start looking forward to what's next for your life.

[Melissa in Australia]

Huge huge hugs

I understand the awfulness of relinquishing a child and how hard and painful it is and the absolute agony of having to make that decision.

I can't even imagine the added awfulness of being alone, having never experienced it myself.

[Katy]

That’s a lot. I’m sorry. 

[Eos]

Thank you for telling your story here, I am so sorry the enormity of the alone-ness hit all at once. 

[Innisfree]

I’m so terribly sorry. I’ll be thinking of you.

[Pawz4me]

Hugs, @Tap. That's a whole lot.

[mom31257]

I am so very sorry!   Thinking of you and praying for brighter days ahead.

[Hannah]

I can't begin to imagine how agonizing this decision has been for you Tap.  I remember when you took your niece in and you could never have foreseen how incredibly difficult the journey with her would be.  

And to process that without your boyfriend or wonderful dog by your side is a lot.

[TexasProud]

That is a lot.. Huge hugs.

[freesia]

Oh, my. That is a lot. I’m so sorry. 

[ScoutTN]

So heavy and hard. I am sorry for the heartbreak. Praying for peace. 

[Harriet Vane]

Aww Tap

That does sound hard. A yawning chasm after a long struggle. You’ve been pragmatic and practical, and now your heart aches. Warm hugs and my fullest sympathy. I pray today for reassurance and comfort as you walk forward. 

[almondbutterandjelly]

((hugs))

[Lilaclady]

Much ((((()hugs)))))) to you Tap. Praying for comfort and knowing that you are not alone even if physically you are. 

[KungFuPanda]

Empty nesting under tragic circumstances is soul crushingly hard. Give yourself time to grieve. 

[saraha]

Oh @Tap, I hope today is a little better. So many hard decisions for you. (((Tap)))

[kbutton]

I’m so sorry. 

[mommyoffive]

Oh @Tap I am so sorry.  That is so much at once.  Sending you lots of hugs.  

[Jaybee]

I'm so sorry, @Tap. Not just for the weekend, but for all the complicated stuff of it over the years. You did what you could, though; for years, you did what you could. I'm sorry about your losing the pup as well. May you find peace and slowly be able to let go of the tension and stress you have held for all these years.

[Irish]

Big hugs ((((Tap)))). 

[Scarlett]

Awww this is all so hard. I am glad your dd was able to go to her bio dad’s house even if it is temporary. I had hoped she would get easier as she got older but I see it did not work out that way. 
And it seems like yesterday you got that dog. Time is flying by!

[Wishes]

So sorry Tap. Your daughter had so many challenges. Like SKL said, I hope she can access some services that will assist her path to early adulthood and beyond. Gentle hugs.

[bolt.]

My heart goes out to you!

[LucyStoner]

Hugs and prayers for you at this time of transition.  

[Terabith]

Oh man, Tap.  I'm so sorry.  This all just really does suck.  I cannot pretend to even begin to imagine the layers upon layers of grief you must be experiencing.  It's just a lot.  I'm so very, very sorry.  And you were there for her with love and grace and devotion for so long, under such incredibly trying circumstances.  I'm so very sorry.  

[MercyA]

I'm so sorry. 

Dogs are very adaptable. I can only imagine how hard it is for you, but she will be fine and happy.

Sending love and huge hugs. We are here for you. ❤️

[Elizabeth86]

Oh that is a lot! I’m so sorry about all of this. I can’t imagine how hard it must be. I bet the dog will be fine though. Some dogs only ever love one person, but a golden doodle seems like the type that could learn to love another family. I hope  everything works out for everyone.

[PinkTulip]

Hugs Tap. Sending you my love. 

[Longtime Lurker]

I am so sorry. 

[SanDiegoMom]

Hugs @Tap   That is so much pain and such a burden of decisions you had to bear yourself. I hope today and every day will begin to be a little easier. 

I can't speak to the soon to be adult, however I can understand how much you will miss your dog.  But it will be much harder for your than for her and it sounds like she is in a wonderful substitute home where there will be lots of love.   

What a time of hard decisions. I hope you have some days of peace ahead. ❤️

[Lecka]

Change is so hard!  I’m thinking of you.  

[CTVKath]

I"m sorry. Wishing we could make it better for you.

[Halftime Hope]

Oh, Tap. I'm so sorry. What a difficult road you've been on.

In this season, difficult as it is, I pray that you will find the comfort of love and the strength of hope quietly filling in all the empty spots.

Edited March 28 by Halftime Hope

[klmama]

Praying for all of you.  

[TravelingChris]

I am very sorry, Tap.  I know this weekend will be very hard for you,  And loss of a pet and a daughter' at the same time is especially hard.  I will be praying for you and please take good care of yourself.

Edited March 27 by TravelingChris
Didn't finish writing

[Zoo Keeper]

Praying for comfort and peace as you process through all of this.

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry you are going thru such a difficult part of life. Hang on! Don't trade what you know for what you don't know--iow remember what you know is true and positive. 

And, feel it deep and all the way down. Take time and space to mourn the old. I think it is so important to not skip over the grief that can come with change. So often people want to jolly us out of difficult feelings, but it is important to let those feelings breathe. (And you should be able to do this with and in front of boyfriend, so maybe consider why it feels uncomfortable for you--at least I think you said so?)

My unsolicited opinions and advice--take or leave, but know I care. I may not be here on the boards really anymore, but there are certain people I remember, and you are one of them.