POLL: Did you smash cake in your spouse’s face at your wedding?

[Garga]

I read an article about wedding workers, like photographers and caterers and planners, who talked about being able to predict who would stay married and who would divorce.

Someone wrote that if there is any cake smashing at the reception, the couple eventually divorces. 

What do you think?  Is smashing cake all in good fun or is it mean-spirited and disrespectful?  What did you do at your wedding?

Edited May 26, 2019 by Garga

[Skippy]

I witnessed a horrible incident of cake smashing where the groom smashed and smeared cake all over the bride's face. It was very embarrassing for her. They were soon divorced. (He impregnated another woman.) So I believe your wedding workers.

[Carol in Cal.]

We both hated the idea, and agreed in advance not to do it.  We also took care to cut tiny little pieces of wedding cake so that they wouldn't smear.

I didn't have fancy make up, but some do.  I have heard of brides hiring a make up artist to do the whole female side of the wedding party.  I can only imagine how hard it would be to get that ruined by a stupid thing like smeared cake from someone who just promised to love and cherish you for life.

[BakersDozen]

I had a very emphatic talk with my dh regarding cake smashing - as in don't even try it. Smart guy, he took me seriously. I would have been livid had he pulled a stunt like that.

[alisoncooks]

8 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

I had a very emphatic talk with my dh regarding cake smashing - as in don't even try it. Smart guy, he took me seriously. I would have been livid had he pulled a stunt like that.

Same here. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

No cake smashing here.  I didn't want it and it really wasn't dh's style.  If he had done so against my wishes, I would have wondered what else he would have overridden without my knowledge.  

If both parties are agreeable, then I doubt it is a problematic relationship.  

[HS Mom in NC]

My husband and I are not personality types that respond to any form of adult cake smashing positively.  It's cute if you're under 5 diving head first into your own cake or aiming badly and smashing it into your own face, other wise you seem stupid to us.

No cake smashing for us.  We didn't even need to discuss it.
If other people want to cake smash, it's up to them if they want to present this aspect of themselves to world, but they don't get to control how observers react to it. 
If someone cake smashed their spouse without expressly being told the spouse enjoys that kind of thing, then divorce seems like the only reasonable option to me.

I don't think caterers, photographers, and wedding planners have long term relationships with the vast majority of their clients, so there's no way they could observe a pattern.

[MEmama]

No.

We never talked about it, but it would have never occurred to either of us. I think it seems a terribly rude and disrespectful thing to do to the love of your life (or to anyone, for that matter). 

FWIW and purely anecdotal, my sister and her ex-husband did all the "traditional" wedding stuff and divorced pretty quickly. Theirs was a wedding to have a (drunken) party, not a marriage. 

[Selkie]

No cake smashing for us, much to the disappointment of the obnoxious wedding coordinator at our reception venue. When we were cutting the cake, she kept loudly saying, "Smash it in her face! Smash it in her face!" Dh refused.

[Joker]

I smudged a tiny bit on dh's cheek and he dabbed a tiny bit on my nose. No smashing, just a dab - and no divorce but still going strong 22 years later.

I think many of the cake smashing I see in videos/tv is crazy but I've never seen any in my real life like that.

[Heatherwith4]

We fed each other a tiny bite of cake if I remember correctly.  Definitely no smashing.  I’d be ticked off if he humiliated me like that, and I think he’d be ticked at me if I did it to him.  

DH is in events planning, and I think he can sometimes tell that a couple will likely get divorced.  He doesn’t typically see the wedding receptions though, so I can’t ask him about that part specifically.

[math teacher]

No cake smashing at our wedding. Neither of us wanted that.

[sassenach]

My mom has always said the same thing (about cake smashing being a sign of divorce) and I think that I absorbed the same belief. We were at a wedding once and the husband/wife got into a literal cake fight. On the ride home my mom predicted divorce. They did end up getting divorced, come to think of it.

[Melissa in Australia]

no I have never heard of it

 We had a traditional fruit cake decorated with mazapan icing. We saved the top tier to eat on our first wedding anniversary

 

[Arctic Bunny]

There was no cake smashing. My BIL thought that I would participate in using no hands to get a shot out of a pitcher of whipped cream that he presented to me at the head table. We already had a rocky relationship. That did not help.

[Arctic Bunny]

9 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

no I have never heard of it

 We had a traditional fruit cake decorated with mazapan icing. We saved the top tier to eat on our first wedding anniversary

 

We saved ours for the christening of our first child! Still have the middle layer!

[Pen]

Sharing cake probably should be a prewedding test.  If they can’t do it in a loving way don’t get married.  🙂 

[Pegasus]

We discussed ahead of time that there was to be no cake smashing/smearing.  I don't understand that as a "tradition" AT ALL. If both parties think it is fun and they agree to it ahead of time, fine, whatever, but otherwise, completely out of bounds.

We had a lovely three tiered cheesecake created by DH's aunt. It was relatively small and I expected it to be eaten at the reception. Imagine my surprise when we returned to town a few days later and one of my brothers stopped by to drop off table linen's etc. from the event. . .and the top layer of the cake which had spent those days riding around in the trunk of his car. . .in JULY. 

[medawyn]

We wouldn’t have smashed, but we side stepped the issue by deciding a cake was unnecessary altogether.

[JennyD]

I don't think I've ever seen this except in movies.  

As for our wedding, I know we had a cake because there is a picture of the two of us standing in front of it holding a cake cutter.  I don't think we even ate a ceremonial slice up there, though -- I  vaguely recall eating cake at my seat.  Or possibly that was someone else's wedding?   It's all a blur.  No cake smashing, though, I can assure you of that.

I firmly believe that there is someone for everyone and if two people mutually decide that they want to begin their married life together by publicly mushing baked goods into one another's faces, well, go in good health.  

[DesertBlossom]

2 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

I had a very emphatic talk with my dh regarding cake smashing - as in don't even try it. Smart guy, he took me seriously. I would have been livid had he pulled a stunt like that.

Same here. I would have been humiliated had he smashed cake in my face. Neither one of us did any cake smashing and we will soon celebrate 16 years of wedded bliss. 😉

[Lady Florida.]

Neither of us thought cake smashing was funny and we decided well in advance not to do it. However, I don't think smashing or not smashing is a predictor of marital success. I think some (many?) couples do it because they think it's tradition and they're expected to, not because of some secret meanness and/or desire to embarrass their new spouse.

ETA: I've personally known three couples who decided in advance not to smash cake and then one of them ended up "surprising" the other. In two cases it was the husband who did it, in one it was the wife. In all three the other spouse was livid but all three couples are still married 10 - 20 years later. So there's my anecdotal evidence. 😂

Edited May 26, 2019 by Lady Florida.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

30 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

no I have never heard of it

 We had a traditional fruit cake decorated with mazapan icing. We saved the top tier to eat on our first wedding anniversary

 

Same. I've never even heard of this.

[Lady Florida.]

6 minutes ago, JennyD said:

I don't think I've ever seen this except in movies.  

 

When I've seen it, it wasn't a full on smash but rather a bit of cake pushed to the sides of the person's mouth. 

14 minutes ago, Pegasus said:

We discussed ahead of time that there was to be no cake smashing/smearing.  I don't understand that as a "tradition" AT ALL. If both parties think it is fun and they agree to it ahead of time, fine, whatever, but otherwise, completely out of bounds.

 

I agree with the bolded, if both parties really do think it's fun and one doesn't feel pressured. If one person doesn't want it then it should be a no.

[Garga]

My wedding was mostly non-traditional and we had decided not to even feed each other cake at all.  A pushy guest insisted, so we very awkwardly fed each other a tiny bite.  No smashing.  I’d have hated that, but so would my dh.

My BIL and SIL got into full on cake smashing and knocking each other down.  She smashed his face with cake thinking it would be funny, he got upset and tried to smash her back, she ducked, and the next thing everyone knows, they’ve both fallen on the ground.  He was very unhappy about the smashed cake event.

It’s been about 20 years and they’re still married.  I don’t know if it’s happily or not.  He’s a crabby personality and she’s generally upbeat, so who knows?  He’s rarely happy about anything.

[mmasc]

I don’t remember. 😳 I mean, definitely no smashing...I can remember that much at least, but not sure if we did a tiny playful smear, or just fed each other cake. I think I’m going to go with just fed each other cake. It was maybe slightly messy and giggly, but no smearing. Yes, I’m going to go with that as my memory. 😂

[mmasc]

2 hours ago, Selkie said:

No cake smashing for us, much to the disappointment of the obnoxious wedding coordinator at our reception venue. When we were cutting the cake, she kept loudly saying, "Smash it in her face! Smash it in her face!" Dh refused.

How bizarre. Why would she care?!!

[rebcoola]

We fed each other and did the dabbing thing.  The only way I can see smashing being a predictor is if the one spouse did it against the others wishes.  I also don't see how these pros know if the couple eventually divorced I worked 50+ weddings and know nothing about what happened to the couples except the handful I knew personally.

Edited May 27, 2019 by rebcoola

[Lori D.]

3 hours ago, Selkie said:

No cake smashing for us, much to the disappointment of the obnoxious wedding coordinator at our reception venue. When we were cutting the cake, she kept loudly saying, "Smash it in her face! Smash it in her face!" Dh refused.

 

17 minutes ago, mmasc said:

How bizarre. Why would she care?!!

It would have been great if Selkie & DH had turned together as one and smashed cake into the face of the obnoxious wedding coordinator (OWC), since OWC so desperately wanted to see cake smashing. 😂

Edited May 27, 2019 by Lori D.

[Selkie]

32 minutes ago, mmasc said:

How bizarre. Why would she care?!!

I think she was just the bossy type who considered herself to be the authority on wedding customs, and she was pretty flabbergasted when we ignored her.

[Selkie]

27 minutes ago, Lori D. said:

 

It would have been great if Selkie & DH had turned together as one and smashed cake into the face of the obnoxious wedding coordinator (OWC), since OWC so desperately wanted to see cake smashing. 😂

Now I want a time machine so I can go back and do that. Thirty years, I was too sweet and polite to do such a thing, but not anymore!

[Emba]

We didn’t. I wouldn’t have minded a cute little cake smash, but my Dad thinks it’s majorly disrespectful so we refrained.

[marbel]

We didn't smash cake, and were in agreement about it - we didn't have to tell each other not to do it.  I would have been shocked if he'd wanted to do it, and honestly it might have made me think differently about him.  

I can't say that I agree or disagree that it can lead to divorce. But, in my own experience, the couples I've seen that smashed cake were on the immature side, and I wouldn't have wanted to put money on their marriage lasting.  

One woman who smashed cake at her wedding also had to have assistance in getting her near-passed-out-drunk groom to the hotel room at the end of the reception. They eventually divorced. That's the only one I really remember, though, because it was so remarkable to me. What a bad start to a marriage!

[MercyA]

My husband knew he'd better not or else. I have a visceral, violent, angry reaction to the very thought of cake smashing. I don't get it, at all.

[mumto2]

My husband would never have done that to me.....

Thinking back to the weddings that I attended the ones with drunken grooms and cake smashing (or smearing lightly) are the ones that ended in divorce.  Honestly they were the ones where the guests were wondering Why???

That being said the wedding that was magical, gasp worthy, soooooo romantic also ended in divorce after like 6 months.  No cake smashing........

[Arcadia]

For my husband and my family of origin, each guest is to get a slice of the wedding cake for auspicious reasons and hopefully there is some left to keep. Smashing of cake would be seen as wasteful and disrespectful. The wedding cake is similar to the birthday cake in our culture, meant  to share the blessings with guests by making sure everyone has at least a slice. 

[sbgrace]

We didn't smash. I can't remember if we talked about not doing it ahead of time--probably? My husband and I aren't the smash cake kind of personalities.

But I was maid of honor in a wedding that had smashing. They are coming up on 23 years and are among the most compatible married couples I know. They are both smash cake kind of personalities I guess! 

[kiwik]

I thought it was only in the more immature movies.  Just screams wasteful  and tacky to me.

[LMD]

Yeah, it's not a thing I've ever seen irl, that I can recall. I can see a potentially abusive dynamic in wanting to publicly humiliate a spouse, but if it's just a bit of fun for both then *shrug*

I actually can't even remember cutting our cake... I think we did... I didn't get to try any until after our honeymoon, my lovely mil saved some! 

[Laura Corin]

13 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

no I have never heard of it

 We had a traditional fruit cake decorated with mazapan icing. We saved the top tier to eat on our first wedding anniversary

 

I've not heard of it either. We didn't have a cake.

[DawnM]

I think we did the smidge thing.  I thought it was a stupid tradition, just like the garter and the bouquet tossing, with we sorta did.  But I thought the entire ceremony was too much stupid tradition.  My parents expected it and my dad pretty much believes if you aren't married in a church then it isn't a real marriage (not really, but he makes comments.). So I did the whole church thing.

Wedding day isn't a wonderful memory for me.  I pretty much did everything to please the parents on both sides and get it over with.  His mother berated him for not buying me some elaborate gift and then criticized our wedding for all sorts of things, comparing it to his sister's "wonderful" wedding.

Married 24 years, so I guess it was all ok.  His sister was divorced in 10.  So there is that.

If I would have had the guts to just do the wedding as I wanted, it would have looked very different.

[wintermom]

40 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

I've not heard of it either. We didn't have a cake.

I've not heard of this "tradition" either. I'm in Canada. I've never seen it done at any wedding I've attended, either in Canada or the US. It actually sounds like a pretty nasty thing to do. 

I attended a wedding in Canada and the bride and groom were both from south-east Asia. They were married at a church with all the typical North American clothing and ceremony. There were a couple different traditions at the reception that I'd never experienced before, that I wouldn't ever do myself as they were along the line of the cake smashing. First, the groom made a drink concoction for the bride to drink, made up of a bunch of really gross things he found on the table at dinner (e.g., whatever liquids were available, some solids such as cake). The bride actually drank the whole thing without getting sick. Yuck! Second, the groom carried the bride piggy-back style all around the reception area. Then, the bride carried the groom in the same way. She had on her full white gown the entire time. It was just weird, and if she wasn't a powerful athlete I'm sure she would have been physically sore for the night and rest of the next day. How is this a positive way to begin a marriage? I have to admit that there was no question of the bride being weaker than the groom, but where is the kindness toward each other and the dignity in these types of performances?

[Andromeda]

37 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

If I would have had the guts to just do the wedding as I wanted, it would have looked very different.

 

This.

We had cake, and I think we fed each other a small bite, but there was definitely no cake smashing. Our wedding was small, but the whole preparation process and the wedding itself was so stressful. I was so disappointed to be dictated whom to invite, how long our engagement should last, "what people would think",etc. If I was older and more confident in myself, I would have insisted on a simple church wedding with no formal reception whatsoever, and I'm pretty sure my husband would have preferred that, too. I think I would have been happy to just get changed out of my dress and go out for lunch with a few friends. Honestly, the best part of the wedding was when it was over. Still happily married after 21 years.

[MaBelle]

Tacky.

 

[marbel]

41 minutes ago, wintermom said:

<snip>

but where is the kindness toward each other and the dignity in these types of performances?

That's what I always think of when I see a really "robust" (the only other word I could think of was "violent" and that's a bit strong) cake smashing. At one wedding I went to, it was drawn out with the bride and groom chasing each other with cake.  It was embarrassing.

I'll admit I am a bit tightly-wound when it comes to weddings. It's not about the traditions (bouquet/garter throwing, stuff like that, don't care about that) but about keeping the occasion dignified while also having fun. Things like cake-smashing, lewd comments in the bridal-party toasts, stuff like that really annoy me and make me wonder about the maturity of the couple. I probably sound like a pursed-lip stuffy old granny but do I also believe in having fun.  It's a joyous occasion but serious too,  kwim? 

 

On a side note, I'm always sorry to hear about couples who feel compelled to do things they don't want to do because their parents force things on them. I was 39 when I got married for real, so there was no one telling me what to do. 

[Momto6inIN]

We did a little smudge gently that could mostly be cleaned up by licking our lips and we are still happily married almost 22 years later 🙂

My guess is that wedding caterers and photographers are picking up on the phenomenon of people who see their wedding day as the culmination of something, a big entertainment event - one to be photoshopped and instagrammed and hopefully to go viral - instead of as just 1 beautiful day at the beginning of a lifelong partnership -and the divorce rate has more to do with that attitude than the actual cake smashing.

[Katy]

I've only seen in twice.  Both couples divorced. 

[J-rap]

I didn't even know it was a thing to do that at weddings.  So no, we didn't do it and I've never seen anyone else do it either.

But for people who do it, I'm sure it's all in fun.   I think it's silly to try and read more into it than that.

 

[Janeway]

I think the personality type that would smash in each others face is the personality type that would have an increased chance of divorce. That is not saying everyone would smash cake would end up divorced. It is just saying that I am betting if there were an actual study, it would come out to be true that bride and grooms who would smash each other would be more likely to divorce. I will say also, every single wedding I have been to that had smashed cake ended up divorced. And the weddings that did not, well, those people are all still married.

[HS Mom in NC]

Let's not forget that people can get divorced decades after getting married, so there's no way to determine if people who are still married at this point will continue to be.  There's something about human nature that wants to be able to easily predict things, so there's a temptation to buy into patterns and formulas like cake smashing is a sign of future divorce.