Is this typical of marriage?

[AbcdeDooDah]

Not really a good title but I can’t think of anything better. 
 

Person A stays away during the work week. Person B decides to go shopping at night. The two have a conversation while Person B is driving to shop. Person A says “call me when you get home or I won’t sleep, not knowing if you’re home.”

Person B says “That’s not normal.” Person A says they worry about Person B and repeats they want to know Person B is home safe.

Person B says they understand being worried but it’s not normal or healthy to not be able to sleep if you don’t know they’re home. 
Person A gets agitated and says “do what you want.”

Person B is shopping for hours and does not call after getting home. 
 

Is this a typical situation in marriages that you can’t sleep if you don’t know someone got home? I understand calling to say “hey I made it home safe. But to put the lack of sleep on another person?

Maybe Person B (me) is a monster?

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's such an easy way to show love and grace to someone to just call or text them.  Being concerned that your marriage partner is home safe at night is not some weird demand. 

[AbcdeDooDah]

Adding that I didn’t not call as a purposeful choice. I got home after he would have been asleep anyway and I am notoriously forgetful, besides. 
 

I’m really curious about the not sleeping, though.

[Rosie_0801]

I think it's normal.

[easypeasy]

Sounds like an incredibly common request to me, tbh. A lot of people mentally "count their chickens" before they can sleep and, once they mentally know that everyone they care about is safe and at home they can relax enough to sleep.

 

[Laura Corin]

Does person A message each night when they get home?

[Shoeless]

It's not something I would argue about in an otherwise loving marriage. It sounds like they simply miss you and want one last word from you before bed.

I don't sleep well when my DH isn't home, for whatever that is worth.

[Pawz4me]

I don't think it's unusual at all if Person B is home alone. If there are other people there (like teenage children) who would let Person A know if Person B failed to return home after a reasonable time then it's maybe a little much. But I don't think it's unusual to want to know a solo spouse is tucked in safely for the night when the couple is apart.

I had lunch with a friend a while back and their spouse wanted them to call when they got to the restaurant. I thought that was a wee bit much. Middle of the day, well populated area, meeting a group of close friends the person (and their spouse) had known for decades. That seemed weird. Like the spouse didn't think one of the group of friends would be concerned if the person didn't show, and wouldn't start doing some calling?

[catz]

Our marriage isn’t this way.  When one of us is traveling it isn’t unusual for us not to be in contact for a day or so.    But we do regularly courtesy text each other without requests.  Like it does seem a bit OTT to say you can’t sleep and demand a phone call.  Like if it were a busy day I might say, I’ll text you when I get home, we can talk tomorrow.  My DH would text something like would you be up to chat at 9 pm or something like that.   He might know or coincidentally find out what I am doing but he isn’t quizzing me on it.  I don’t know, if this was a marriage’s only quirk in an otherwise healthy relationship, I wouldn’t think too much of it.  We married later, we are both pretty independent.   It is a fine line to me and I really dislike emotional manipulation and as someone who can be anxious I’m very cognizant of not putting that burden on anyone else.  
 

i texted my college student 3x yesterday for various reasons and he never got back to me.  He is about 5 hours away.   I know he has a busy weekend but I have no idea what he was up to yesterday. Oh well.  😂🤷‍♀️

[Melissa in Australia]

I would think it a perfectly reasonable request. what harm does it do for the person shopping to send a text. none, and it hugely helps the spouse to not be anxious.

removed personal info

Sometimes a spouse just needs to know that the other person is safe. it is a very reasonable request and not nice of the other to not do something so simple 

Edited December 13, 2022 by Melissa in Australia

[JustEm]

Dh and I struggle to sleep when the other one is not home. We both know this about the other so when we're away we always call the other when we're in for the night. This is mainly to talk and help us get ready for sleep. But after that call we are both still struggling to get a proper night's sleep.

It doesn't surprise me either because we have slept next to each other, usually touching, for the last 15 years. Sleeping in bed alone is weird now.

[Carrie12345]

I think it’s fairly normal to have trouble sleeping soundly without knowing loved ones are home safe.

Personally, I sleep like a rock despite my anxiousness over everyone’s location, but I think that’s years of conditioning. Dh always traveled a lot, my oldest always had visitation with his father, my next 3 started with the fire department when they each turned 14, and my daughter started 12+ hour shifts at 18. I HAD to sleep eventually!

 I’m an early riser, and the first thing I do when I wake up is check the security cameras to see that whomever was out did get home safe, and when. Sometimes I check find my phone for everyone’s location before I go to sleep.

[Guest]

**Have not read the replies**

Here’s what I think: in a healthy marriage, both people seek to accommodate the other to a reasonable degree. So, in this scenario, calling to sooth the spouse’s anxiety about you returning home would be the kindest thing to do, even if it is a little on the atypical side. 
 

In my marriage, whenever I am going somewhere dh doesn’t know, he asks me to leave the address, “In case you disappear, we know where to look.” It’s a bit eye-rolly for me; after all, he works in different locations every single day and I *never* know the address until after the fact when I process payments. However, he asks me to do this, it’s simple to comply with, so I do it. I may not be *truly responsible* for allaying his anxiety, but it’s kind and it easy so I do. 
 

As an aside, I don’t think it’s necessarily pathological to have trouble sleeping when you haven’t heard from someone who matters to you. I still find it difficult to go to sleep if my 18yo is at work still or otherwise not home. Sometimes I keep checking the clock and counting the minutes until I see the headlights on the driveway and hear the garage door open. 

[Eos]

52 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I would think it a perfectly reasonable request. what harm does it do for the person shopping to send a text. none, and it hugely helps the spouse to not be anxious.

Personal example.  I have a separation anxiety problem a result of a traumatic event in my childhood that resulted in the death of my father.  it was only triggered if people left, saying goodbye and I didn't know they arrived at their destination. In my mind they had gone/died/vanished from life.  I had that problem all through childhood.    My Dh is Canadian . He use to travel every year back to visit his family. once he didn't ring when he arrived.  He didn't ring for 10 days..  I had a complete  breakdown. I lost 7 kg in 3 days, and just sat on the doorstep shivering for a few days, completely unable to do anything at all.  If it wasn't for Rosie on this forum driving hundreds of km to see me I wouldn't be around today. She literally saved my life. It took me months to get over that breakdown. it wasn't pleasant .

One possible good result of the breakdown is it seems to have cured my separation anxiety- at least I haven't had it since then - though DH is always careful to let me know when he arrives in a different country now.

Sometimes a spouse just needs to know that the other person is safe. it is a very reasonable request and not nice of the other to not do something so simple 

I'm so sorry this happened and so glad you made it through that horrible time.  Thank you for sharing this story.  Thank you to @Rosie_0801also. 

[Katy]

I think it’s normal 

[marbel]

Person B is not a monster, but Person A is not out of line either. I think it's typical in marriage to comply with innocuous requests that make the other person feel better and do no harm. 

My husband and I used to call each other every night when one of us was away. Now we would text. 

I'd be pretty upset if I'd asked my husband to call/text and he didn't comply, saying he'd forgotten or he figured I'd be asleep.  It would seem either uncaring or possibly passive-aggressive. I still don't think it's monstrous though. 

Edited December 10, 2022 by marbel

[MEmama]

I think as a request it’s fine, but lines would be crossed if it's a demand. Personally I would feel suffocated if my every movement was being tracked, but I would try to be understanding if my SO suffered from such serious anxiety. Marriage is complicated.

FWIW I sleep much better alone. On the exceedingly rare occasion I get that opportunity, it would not occur to me that I should need to know where DH is before I fall asleep. 

[gardenmom5]

Sounds like my grandmother.  From the time I was a child, we were required to call her when we got home.  I eventually started refusing to call her.  So she'd call us.

No - as a demand - it's not healthy for a relationship.  It feels controlling, even if the person is doing it out of their own anxiety.  if their anxiety is that bad they should be seeking medical help.

eta: when dh and I were married - he was out of town every other week.  no - we didn't talk every night.  now I'm the one likely to be gone by myself.  I'll call him when I have time in the evening - just to touch base because I want to.  

Edited December 10, 2022 by gardenmom5

[KungFuPanda]

Definitely within the range of normal. It’s a bit less normal for person B to refuse. A 4 second text costs nothing  

[regentrude]

It's a normal request if it is a request and not a demand, and if A is not generally controlling and keeping surveillance on B.

Not being able to sleep when you have an unresolved worry at the back of your mind sounds pretty normal to me, too. I have been unable to sleep when my young adults were driving and I hadn't heard that they made it safely. Anxiety isn't rational,  and I consider it kind to comply with a simple request like this - unless the anxiety had devolved into paranoia and controlling behavior.

[regentrude]

Eta: I have a colleague who suffers from anxiety, and when I gave her a ride home, she asked me to text her when I made it home (6 minutes in town) because there's a turn on her road she finds dangerous. So I texted her. No big deal.

[Jean in Newcastle]

In this age of technology it’s not hard to set an alarm for say ten pm to remind yourself to call or text. It might not be the second you returned home but a reasonable time after the stores close. 
 

I wouldn’t consider a confession that they are anxious about what isn’t a daily occurrence to just want an extra accommodation to be a “demand “. 

Edited December 10, 2022 by Jean in Newcastle
Typo

[sassenach]

It seems like a normal request to me. Dh and I do this for each other all the time.  I would be really hurt if I was person A. 

 

[athena1277]

I also agree that it’s not a big deal to send a text to let a spouse know you are ok.  Yesterday I drove 3 hours to get dd from college for Christmas break.  I texted my dh when I got to the school and again part way home to let him know about when we would make it home.  

[mlktwins]

DH and I courtesy text when we are traveling separately. When I was driving a bit with the boys for college tours this summer, I shot him a quick text when we got there and then again when we were heading home.

We don’t have a problem sleeping when the other is gone so I can’t answer that. I would make sure I called or texted if DH wanted me to though. Different story if my boys aren’t home.

 

[elegantlion]

This would be a normal request in our household. Although, the person traveling would probably text once they arrived at their location, not necessarily throughout the day. 

 

[Elizabeth86]

The whole not calling when you get home was drilled into by my parents. They are terribly anxious about things like this, so it is an expectation to me. Dh thinks that’s weird, but he would call.

This is my parents 💯 

 

[Scarlett]

We have Life 360 so if anyone is worried they can just check location.

[historically accurate]

I definitely fit Person B more in the original example. I don't need to know what someone is doing in their own space, even if they are my people. I missed that gene apparently; I don't worry about my teens, my parents, DH, etc. I just trust that things will be ok because there is usually very little I could actually do about it if it does go horribly wrong.

I see Person A's view in that a text is what they would prefer, and I know it's really common, but I don't necessarily fully understand it. 

Note: I do the text thing when I arrive for DH's sake, but only because I've trained myself to do it.

[NorthernBeth]

Seems normal to call to me.  Neither my husband nor I sleep well when the other is away and both of us are  pretty prone to worrying, truthfully.  It takes less than a minute to call or even just send a text message.  It would be different if they were requiring you to check in on your every move, but just wanting to know that you got home safely before they go to sleep seems normal to me. 

Edited December 10, 2022 by NorthernBeth

[lmrich]

I am  more like  person  A. 

Sometimes I go through anxious times. It seems like when I am anxious about one thing (even excited anxious) it  spills over to everything  else. 

That being said,  my  dh  would  never remember to call me and would not  'get' it anyways. 

I  have "find my friends" on  my phone which is free so  I  can glance at it to make sure  he made it safely to his location. 

[Wheres Toto]

Seems normal to me, at least a quick text.    Especially if him being away during the week is a new thing and/or you usually aren't out at night while he's gone.

[LuvToRead]

5 hours ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

Not really a good title but I can’t think of anything better. 
 

Person A stays away during the work week. Person B decides to go shopping at night. The two have a conversation while Person B is driving to shop. Person A says “call me when you get home or I won’t sleep, not knowing if you’re home.”

 

Maybe Person B (me) is a monster?

 

5 hours ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

Adding that I didn’t not call as a purposeful choice. I got home after he would have been asleep anyway and I am notoriously forgetful, besides. 
 

I’m really curious about the not sleeping, though.

I guess this part confused me?  So Person A lies about not being able to sleep??  Or did  person B use it as an excuse not to call person A?  Anyway, I do think it's a pretty normal request.  My oldest lives on a college campus and recently, during fall break, she went to visit her best friend in another state.  I did request she text me when she made it back to campus. 

When DH travels we always call each other at the end of the night.

 

[Soror]

14 minutes ago, historically accurate said:

I definitely fit Person B more in the original example. I don't need to know what someone is doing in their own space, even if they are my people. I missed that gene apparently; I don't worry about my teens, my parents, DH, etc. I just trust that things will be ok because there is usually very little I could actually do about it if it does go horribly wrong.

I see Person A's view in that a text is what they would prefer, and I know it's really common, but I don't necessarily fully understand it. 

Note: I do the text thing when I arrive for DH's sake, but only because I've trained myself to do it.

This is more me too.  When I couldn't' get hold of my parents for days I worry but not as a regular occurrence (now if there were big health issues but there aren't). When my ds very first started driving on his own I worried.  He went off to a city 6 hrs away and I didn't hear from him until the next day. I didn't stay up worrying. I think often young people are robbed of autonomy these days with all this tracking but that is a different soapbox.

The way I read the OP dh is gone all week yet wants you to message when you get home from a simple shopping trip so he won't worry, what? Does he message every time he goes somewhere while he's gone? 

I hate the flipping Life 360. I'd delete it for the whole damn house if it was up to me. I hate the expectation that one should always be reachable b/c of flipping cell phones. Before smart phones that wasn't the expectation.I hate the ridiculous double standard. We have to worry about the women folk because they're women which results in a lose of autonomy.

I just had a big flip out over this whole damn thing. 

I *try* hard to message when I go to and fro but I get busy too and I might forget and there's always Life360 tracking my every flipping move anyway so why does it matter.

[BusyMom5]

We do this, and I consider it common courtesy to let your partner know when you are home.  Mil is a widow and we also request that she text us when she gets home if she's traveling late at night.  Where we live, the roads we have to traveling have no signal, do if you get into an accident you might be there for hours!  It is an easy, simple request to text "Made it home, goodnight."  There is one stretch of road that has no signal for about 40 miles, and when we go that way we always let MIL or the kids know we are leaving XXX, should be home in 45 mi minutes or come looking for us!  Our kids are all required to do the same.  

[Jaybee]

Pretty normal here. We would be able to sleep, but we would sleep more soundly knowing. We don't track each other's every movement.  We still have two ds living at home. If it is bad weather for driving, I like to know that they arrived where they were heading. Sometimes one of them will just text "home" or "made it here". One rarely lets us know where he is or his plans. I wish he would for safety reasons, but I don't bug him about it, and I no longer stay awake worrying. When we travel, our kids like to know that we have made it back home, so I always text them to let them know. Dh travels overseas for work, and sometimes he is unreachable. With him, I am thankful when he is able to text or call. Many times he can text but can't call, so he will just text "at hotel" or something. Since traffic is bad where he usually travels, it puts my mind at ease to know he is where he is supposed to be. If it is after I go to sleep, that's fine, because when I wake up for a bathroom trip or if I just wake up, a quick phone check lets me know.

[Shelydon]

I am the person who would not be able to go to sleep. The lack of courtesy and not taking into account my feelings about the situation would be something that could definitely lead to divorce on my part. It's a simple and easy thing to do and not doing it*for me* would mean that my spouse does not really love or care about me. 

[Hannah]

39 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

We have Life 360 so if anyone is worried they can just check location.

Dh and I and our girls do too.  Life 360 adds to our layers of security which also includes avoiding driving more than a few kilometers at night as much as possible (I'm in South Africa, so not always safe to do so).

When we're travelling we generally let the other know when we're going to sleep and may have a quick chat before that if its convenient.

[Scarlett]

I just really don’t get why people hate 360 unless someone is bugging them about their every move. 
We all have it. I don’t ever say anything to ds21 but when I hear a noise at 3 am I can pick up my phone and verify it was him coming in. 
Dh and I talk more about what we see each other doing but in fun. We aren’t annoyed with each other. 

[1234]

I don’t know if it’s normal for everyone but it’s normal for us.

Dh goes into the office two days a week now. He texts me when he gets to the office and again when he’s on the train coming home. When he’s out of town for work, he always calls me to chat when he’s in for the night. I do the same on the rare occasions I’m the one traveling. 

[Wheres Toto]

For us it's not about the poor womenfolk being at risk.    Before she passed, dh would travel to visit his mom every other weekend to help out with things.  It's a 2 1/2 to 3 hour drive down the Garden State Parkway.   If I wasn't home when he left, he'd send me a quick text to let me know he was leaving and he always called when he arrived.   Usually it was a quick "I'm here, traffic sucked, talk to you at bedtime" and we would talk more before bed.   

We don't have any phone tracking stuff for any of us.  

[Clemsondana]

Spouse and I don't really do this with each other because his work has often taken him to time zones that aren't conducive to us talking for days at a time.  These days we do often send a quick text, but our early marriage years were before cell phones were common - international calls are expensive and texting wasn't a thing.  But, now that we have a kid who drives...yeah, we want to know that they got where they are going and worry when they aren't home at a reasonable time.  If our early years had been different, spouse and I might be that way with each other.  My sibling has anxiety around my parents' safety and always wants them to text when they are home for the day.  I'm not wired to be that way, but they usually text or call at the end of the day.  Since sibling lives alone, I think it makes both parents and sibling worry less.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

1 hour ago, Elizabeth86 said:

The whole not calling when you get home was drilled into by my parents. They are terribly anxious about things like this, so it is an expectation to me. Dh thinks that’s weird, but he would call.

This is my parents 💯 

 

Yup. She’s probably assuming that I’ve been kidnapped and am in a car trunk somewhere.

I am 41 years old.

Working 24+ hour shifts, DH and I are used to sleeping without the other and I never know if he’s coming home or going to the firehouse, anyway. But I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request or is that difficult to send a text.  I have massive PTSD and anxiety when it comes to my kids and riding in cars, and it is important to me to know when they arrive somewhere and when they will be home, and if they got home and I am not there.  It’s a kindness for people to do that for me.

[Starr]

We usually communicate every night. But as far as sleep or concern it's me. Dh just doesn't fret and assumes we are all fine.

[regentrude]

19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I just really don’t get why people hate 360 unless someone is bugging them about their every move. 

I hate it because I consider it a major privacy invasion and would find it inappropriate to track another adult's location unless they specifically requested or were not mentally competent.

[Ali in OR]

Before you revealed who was who, when I was reading your post I thought, "Person B is not a mom." Because I can't sleep when my teen/young adult kids are out. When they have more exciting New Year's Eve plans than I do, I'm on the sofa until they get in at 2 am because I need to know that they are home. So it feels normal to me for someone to say they can't sleep until they know you're safe. In practicality here, dh the tech wizard can find my phone or my daughters' phones. He doesn't stalk or track us, but if he has a question about where we are he can check. Like when the girls travel back to their college campuses I'll ask him at the end of the day if they made it back safe and he'll see where their phones are. Then it doesn't seem to my girls that I'm being helicoptery, but I can relax knowing that they made it back.

[Indigo Blue]

This is what happened to me:

Boys came to stay for awhile. They go out one night. They really don’t give a specific time frame for being home because they don’t really know how long they will be out. I go to bed. I fall asleep just fine. I wake up around 1:00 am and they aren’t home. Now, see, I’m half asleep and so I begin to worry and wonder. I figure they will be pulling in any minute, but it’s hard to drift back to sleep. Dh has awakened, too. He gets up to check the driveway. I’m torn between calling and not calling because they are grown men. On the other hand, I am still lying here not able to go back to sleep. 
 

They finally walk in. They had been to a large city an hour away, so they had a bit of a drive home. On the way, they decided they had to have nacho fries from Taco Bell. 🤦‍♀️

I don’t know what is the “best” solution if this happens again since they really didn’t know when they would be home, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to let someone know your plans and times of arrival so you don’t worry someone, whether it’s a spouse or even a grown adult son. 
 

 

 

[Scarlett]

12 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I hate it because I consider it a major privacy invasion and would find it inappropriate to track another adult's location unless they specifically requested or were not mentally competent.

I mean they have to agree to it obviously. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[EKS]

My husband is like that.

We have recently made it so we can track each other's location on our phones.  I thought it was a stupid idea at first, but actually it has been really helpful.  I guess if I was doing something I wanted to keep secret it would be a problem, but so far that hasn't been the case!

[wintermom]

On the surface, it sounds like a reasonable request. It also sounds pretty normal to forget to text or phone after hours of shopping (I'd be exhausted). 

If there are big red flags about this, I'd guess that there is a lot more to the story.