Is this typical of marriage?

[regentrude]

15 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I mean they have to agree to it obviously. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes but even then it still wouldn't feel right to me.

The whole "agreement" is fraught with issues. Is the other adult really free to refuse, or might they feel coerced because of consequences for the relationship? Can a spouse freely refuse without worrying it might appear they are hiding something? Can the young adult freely refuse without guilt that he's worrying his mom?

That's why I specifically said "requested", not just "agreed to".

Edited December 10, 2022 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

Just now, EKS said:

My husband is like that.

We have recently made it so we can track each other's location on our phones.  I thought it was a stupid idea at first, but actually it has been really helpful.  I guess if I was doing something I wanted to keep secret it would be a problem, but so far that hasn't been the case!

Exactly. Dh works in the city with a very unpredictable schedule. He is also very bad to not answer his phone. So I get an alert when he leaves work and I think oh time to start supper, he will be home in 45 min or so. It makes it so nice . 

[Not_a_Number]

Honestly, it’s a red herring. Whether it’s normal or not, it’s not an onerous demand and should be acceded to graciously.

For what it’s worth, I worry about DH if he’s out late and have made such requests.

Edited December 10, 2022 by Not_a_Number

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 I get an alert when he leaves work

 I would hate being tracked like this.  Feels like ankle monitor. 

Edited December 10, 2022 by regentrude

[teachermom2834]

It’s pretty reasonable and normal. We have that kind of general relationship between dh and I and with our college age and older kids we will ask they check in with us when returning from or arriving at the end of a road trip or late night working that we have discussed and are aware of. So, in general, pretty reasonable. 
 

In practice, however, we all forget, fall asleep, etc so it isn’t a hard and fast rule and no one is getting mad at anyone when they forget. If someone is up worrying they can call or text to see if the person made it and usually they will get a “yeah sorry I forgot to let you know” response and the the other person says “no problem I was just being a worrier and couldn’t sleep. Goodnight.”  The request is on the person out driving around to let the other person know but at the end of the day the responsibility for the worrying is on the worrier if that makes sense. I may get to worrying but I’m not going to guilt anyone about it.

We do have the parents and some of the kids on Find my Friends by their own consent but I really try not to look at it. If I’m checking on dh and see young adult is somewhere I didn’t expect him to be I have opened up more worries or I feel I have invaded his privacy even though it isn’t a secret we are on there together. So that is more of an emergency thing than a constant checking thing. My dd uses it to see if we are close when picking her up from somewhere but she doesn’t have the whereabouts of her adult brothers on there- just her parents and we are totally comfortable with that.

 

So as a general courtesy I think it is totally normal. But forgetting is also normal. 

[marbel]

7 minutes ago, regentrude said:

 I would hate being tracked like this.  Feels like ankle monitor. 

I would much prefer a quick text with an ETA, than a notification from an app. I mean, I like knowing approximately when people are going to be home if there is a meal or something else going on. But I'd also like, and I'm sure others would like, the flexibility to make a stop on the way home or whatever. The app doesn't prevent that, of course, bit it seems like it would add a layer of complexity. 

 

 

[LuvToRead]

20 minutes ago, regentrude said:

 I would hate being tracked like this.  Feels like ankle monitor. 

I have seen so many instances of the parent/spouses who monitors their family members because absolutely obsessed.  To the point where the app controls them.  They are constantly watching.  And those on the other side of it feel they have no freedom whatsoever.  I mean sometimes don't we all want to sneak an ice cream cone in during the day without coming home to an "I see you went to Dairy Queen today"   And those being tracked do it "under duress" if you will.  They don't want to be tracked but they do it to keep the peace.

I'm not suggesting anyone here does that!  Just my own personal experiences.

Also I am guessing if person B doesn't want to send a quick "hey babe I made it home" text, then they would not agree to having Life 360 on their phone. 

Edited December 10, 2022 by LuvToRead

[Not_a_Number]

20 minutes ago, regentrude said:

 I would hate being tracked like this.  Feels like ankle monitor. 

Ugh, yes. I’d start feeling weird about doing things I normally didn’t give a second thought to!!!

[Condessa]

Totally normal.

[Shelydon]

55 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I hate it because I consider it a major privacy invasion and would find it inappropriate to track another adult's location unless they specifically requested or were not mentally competent.

In order for Life360 to work, the other person has to agree to it and download it on their phone. If they don't want it, they don't have to download it.

[freesia]

Hmmm. I don’t think it’s an abnormal request but am surprised by the number of people who think it’s completely understandable. I prefer my adult kids to text when they get to college or their home after a trip to see me, but don’t sweat it when they don’t. When dh travels, he doesn’t tell me when he gets in at night after his meetings. I don’t text him if Igo out when he’s away. TBH, it never occurred to either of us to do that. However, I’d do it if he asked bc it’s not a big deal to me. I’m another who doesn’t have family tracking on her phone, and I think it’s intrusive TBH. I think we need some privacy from each other. My friend noticed her 18 year old senior had gone into town during a youth group sponsored college tour and called her. I don’t think that’s healthy for either the mom or the dd. 

[catz]

14 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Ugh, yes. I’d start feeling weird about doing things I normally didn’t give a second thought to!!!

Same!  I don't want to have to answer in real time if I decide to stop at Starbuck why I didn't get someone else something lol.  

Really this is about tone to me.  When our kids were younger, if DH would have said in a demanding tone call me when you get home on top of unload the groceries, get kids in bed, prepare for holidays, etc while he was sitting in a luxury hotel in a king sized bed surfing the internet, I may just have been ornery about it.  Back in those days after 7 pm you can be grateful for a "we are home" text.  I'm sure there have been times when DH would say "text me when you're home for the night" when he happened to know we had a lot going on.  But talking about not being able to sleep borders on unneeded drama and emotional manipulation to me depending on frequency and overall tone.  And I am someone who regularly deals with peri-menopausal insomnia that is definitely worse when I have a lot on my mind.  No one else is responsible for that.  It just is.  

Edited December 10, 2022 by catz

[freesia]

Just now, catz said:

Same!  I don't want to have to answer in real time if I decide to stop at Starbuck why I didn't get someone else something lol.  

Really this is about tone to me.  When our kids were younger, if DH would have said in a demanding tone call me when you get home on top of unload the groceries, get kids in bed, prepare for holidays, etc while he was sitting in a luxury hotel in a king sized bed surfing the internet, I may just have been ornery about it.  Back in those days after 7 pm you can be grateful for a "we are home" text.  I'm sure there have been times when DH would say "text me when you're home for the night".  But talking about not being able to sleep borders on unneeded drama and emotional manipulation to me depending on frequency and overall tone.  And I am someone who regularly deals with peri-menopausal insomnia that is definitely worse when I have a lot on my mind.  No one else is responsible for that.  It just is.  

I agree with all of this!

[maize]

No person B is not a monster for not calling, especially if the failure to call or text was pure forgetfulness.

Person A should forgive the forgetfulness, and Person B should consider that Person A's anxiety is real and make a thoughtful decision about how to address that in the future. 

It's not always black and white; it is ultimately Person A's responsibility to cope with their own anxiety, and trying to control the behavior of other people is not a healthy coping mechanism. If Person B is feeling pressured or controlled, they have the right to maintain personal boundaries--including the right to not report their movements to the other person. If, however, this is just a small request in the context of a generally healthy and respectful relationship, Person B can view it as kind and respectful to their partner to check in as requested and set themself a reminder to do so if forgetfulness is a common problem.

[Corraleno]

I think it's a totally normal request, but even if I thought it was a stupid request I would still take 2 seconds to text a loved one if they asked me to. My dad always asks his kids and grandkids who visit to please let him know when they get home; the "kids" are in our 60s now, but we still let him know. I always worry about DS when he travels and the only reason I don't ask him to text when he's arrived safely is because he's an authorized user on my credit card so I get a notification that there was a charge for a hotel or uber or whatever; if I haven't heard anything well past the time he should have arrived at a hotel or back home I'll text to make sure everything is OK. DD lives at home and if she says she'll be home around 11 and still isn't home by midnight I do worry and I'll text her to see what's up.

 

[Emba]

I think it’s not unusual, though it isn’t generally how my marriage works. My DH is just not a worrier in that way. I work late one night a week and he’s sleeping like a rock when I get home most nights.  He drives a truck and is gone overnight occasionally.if he’s not home I don’t sleep well but it has nothing to do with knowing if he has gotten where he’s going and is settled in for the night.

As long as person A isn’t being obsessive and controlling it seems like a simple request. I have a good friend who worries if I leave her house late and asks me to text when I get home. Internally I am kind of rolling my eyes going “okay, Mom”, but I do it because I know her worry comes from a place of love.

 As a parent, though, I’m much more of a worrier. My DD had had her license about 6 months and isn’t an experienced driver. She is driving home very late (1 and 2 a.m.) from band and other extra-curriculars on a somewhat regular basis. Dh goes to bed, sleeps like a log.  I stay up, or at least nap on the couch, until she gets back. I ask her to text me when she leaves the school so I know when to expect her. Because I’ve been in three car accidents on rural roads, and in one of them I was seriously injured and could have been dead or left incapacitated if I’d been there without help too long.  We live rurally, and I do worry that if she got in an accident on the way home no one would pass by and notice for awhile, so I want an ETA . I do feel like my worry itself is a little over the top, but feel like a text or two is not an unreasonable request.

[fraidycat]

Person A made a reasonable request. (Assuming it was a request and not a demand)

Person B is not necessarily a monster, but was rude saying "That's not normal".

It's quite normal for people to be able to sleep better knowing their loved ones are off the roads and tucked in for the night.

As a notoriously forgetful/easily distracted person myself, I don't always remember to comply with such a request in a reasonable time frame, but I always tell them to call me if I forget so they don't have to worry unnecessarily. 

 

[KSera]

10 minutes ago, catz said:

But talking about not being able to sleep borders on unneeded drama and emotional manipulation to me depending on frequency and overall tone.  And I am someone who regularly deals with peri-menopausal insomnia that is definitely worse when I have a lot on my mind.  No one else is responsible for that.  It just is.  

While no one else is responsible for someone else’s insomnia, if a spouse can do a simple thing that helps their spouse not have insomnia at night, that seems a very simple kindness and I’d be pretty hurt if my spouse would rather have me unable to sleep than take a few seconds to send a text. I don’t think it’s emotional manipulation when someone legitimately suffers with insomnia. Perimenopause is a ***** and no one is being a drama queen for suffering some of its effects. I would give a male spouse the same courtesy that he might have insomnia the same way many women get around menopause. When you just can’t get to sleep and then your brain gets going and keeps you up even more, it’s awful. It’s not a choice that a person can just decide they won’t have that problem. 

[rebcoola]

I think it is a normal request to text when you get home.  I know many people who struggle to sleep with loved ones unaccounted for. I think the response that it was weird would feel hurtful. I would be the person who forgot to text. 

We all have location sharing turned and can see each other google maps but no alerts or anything. The Excutive Function is low in this house its common for people to forget to text that they got somewhere or were making a stop.  I probably only actually look at a few times a month. 

[regentrude]

38 minutes ago, Shelydon said:

In order for Life360 to work, the other person has to agree to it and download it on their phone. If they don't want it, they don't have to download it.

See my next comment about this not being free of coercion.

[wintermom]

8 hours ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

Is this a typical situation in marriages that you can’t sleep if you don’t know someone got home? I understand calling to say “hey I made it home safe. But to put the lack of sleep on another person?

I didn't answer this part of the post. I'd say that in a lot of ways, the behaviour of others can contribute to a lack of sleep, such as snoring/coughing, leaving a light/noise on at night, moving a lot in bed. Feeling anxious that a loved one is out at night alone does effect my sleep. 

If I had made the request of my dh to text when he arrived home after an evening activity, particularly if I wasn't at home so I could see him return, and he replied that the request was "not normal" I would feel pretty hurt and dismissed. As if my feelings didn't matter. 

Edited December 10, 2022 by wintermom

[Brittany1116]

 Based on reading the original post and first reply only, Person A sounds totally normal and resonable. I would be concerned if Person A said B shouldn't be/wasn't allowed to go out at night or alone OR if Person A didn't care at all what B did or when and felt totally unaffected.

Edited December 10, 2022 by Brittany1116

[AbcdeDooDah]

I just woke up to so many replies I didn’t expect. 
 

I’ll try to get to them soon, but thank for sharing that some of you have trouble sleeping if you don’t know that everyone is accounted for. I used to worry incessantly about this with my kids and something changed. I have a very lax attitude about knowing where people are. 
 

I saw several “in an otherwise healthy marriage” comments. That’s not this one. Because of his behavior, my go to is I’m being manipulated. His reaction when I said it’s not normal escalated pretty quickly. 
 

I can see that’s not the kindest thing to say. I can also see that I think I’m broken. Lol. I sleep quite peacefully all week because I don’t have to deal with him. 

 

Edited December 10, 2022 by AbcdeDooDah

[Corraleno]

I just realized I didn't really answer the sleep question either — if my kids are living at home (including when DS is home from college), I can't sleep until I know they're home safely. And if they said they'd be home at a specific time and it was well past that, and I couldn't get ahold of them, I would be pacing the floor in a fair amount of distress.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

I would much prefer a quick text with an ETA, than a notification from an app. I mean, I like knowing approximately when people are going to be home if there is a meal or something else going on. But I'd also like, and I'm sure others would like, the flexibility to make a stop on the way home or whatever. The app doesn't prevent that, of course, bit it seems like it would add a layer of complexity. 

 

 

Dh rarely calls me or texts me when he leaves work. His brain is tired and traffic is bad. 

[Not_a_Number]

3 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

I saw several “in an otherwise healthy marriage” comments. That’s not this one. Because of his behavior, my go to is I’m being manipulated. His reaction when I said it’s not normal escalated pretty quickly. 

Yeah. I've been in relationships like this one. Everything is very different in that kind of context, of course. What seems like normal consideration in a balanced marriage can easily be control and manipulation in another. 

I'm sorry 😕 . That's a hard situation to deal with. 

[Corraleno]

4 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

I saw several “in an otherwise healthy marriage” comments. That’s not this one. Because of his behavior, my go to is I’m being manipulated. His reaction when I said it’s not normal escalated pretty quickly. 

I can see that’s not the kindest thing to say. I can also see that I think I’m broken. Lol. I sleep quite peacefully all week because I don’t have to deal with him. 

I think that's a very different context than most of us were imagining. In your situation I can understand that it might have felt controlling. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

[catz]

17 minutes ago, KSera said:

While no one else is responsible for someone else’s insomnia, if a spouse can do a simple thing that helps their spouse not have insomnia at night, that seems a very simple kindness and I’d be pretty hurt if my spouse would rather have me unable to sleep than take a few seconds to send a text. I don’t think it’s emotional manipulation when someone legitimately suffers with insomnia. Perimenopause is a ***** and no one is being a drama queen for suffering some of its effects. I would give a male spouse the same courtesy that he might have insomnia the same way many women get around menopause. When you just can’t get to sleep and then your brain gets going and keeps you up even more, it’s awful. It’s not a choice that a person can just decide they won’t have that problem. 

Like I said, it's about tone to me.  Demanding on a busy, crazy day vs. "I'd appreciate if you could shoot me a text when you're home for the night".  

Believe me, I get the insomnia thing 100 percent.  It's not like I never get irritated or talk about it.  My brain was spinning at 4 am when I first responded to this thread lol.  We have a lot going on here.  Like my spouse had a follow up with a medical specialist this week that had me spinning a bit (all is reasonably ok).   

I just know I don't personally appreciate being made to feel responsible for anyone else's anxiety even if that's not the intention.  "It would make me feel better if you could shoot me a text" is better than  "you are responsible for my emotions if you don't X" which as the OP is written COULD walk that line depending on wording and context.  We're all projecting right.  Every relationship finds their own balance this way.  Seems like the OP is working on this balance.  That doesn't mean he's wrong or she's wrong.   She may find this irritating due to other history of maybe demanding tone or other reasons.  I find things go better for US if we own our quirks and anxieties and ask for accomdation.  I can see at the end of a really busy day being irritated by given a task.  And maybe it's partially the call vs. shoot me a quick text thing for me.  When we get on a call, it is typically to really talk for a while, which is great if I have the time and space.  But if my load is heavier and it's late while a spouse is out of town, I may not want to.

And it's not like I'm weirdly distant with my spouse.  My college kid is away and we've taken turns driving over there for different reasons.  We do often use google location sharing on those days so we can follow each other's progress.  My husband is an all season biker and does also turn it on for longer bike rides because sometimes that 1 hour ride turns into a 3 hour ride lol.  But if we were to forget, it wouldn't be a huge deal either.

[maize]

6 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

I just woke up to so many replies I didn’t expect. 
 

I’ll try to get to them soon, but thank for sharing that some of you have trouble sleeping if you don’t know that everyone is accounted for. I used to worry incessantly about this with my kids and something changed. I have a very lax attitude about knowing where people are. 
 

I saw several “in an otherwise healthy marriage” comments. That’s not this one. Because of his behavior, my go to is I’m being manipulated. His reaction when I said it’s not normal escalated pretty quickly. 
 

I can see that’s not the kindest thing to say. I can also see that I think I’m broken. Lol. I sleep quite peacefully all week because I don’t have to deal with him. 

 

Yeah, if controlling and manipulative behavior are the norm for this person, there is a generally unhealthy dynamic that will permeate otherwise normal seeming interactions.

I read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" years ago and found it helpful for navigating life with someone who was emotionally volatile. Might be worth reading if you haven't yet.

[AbcdeDooDah]

2 hours ago, LuvToRead said:

 

I guess this part confused me?  So Person A lies about not being able to sleep??  Or did  person B use it as an excuse not to call person A?  Anyway, I do think it's a pretty normal request.  My oldest lives on a college campus and recently, during fall break, she went to visit her best friend in another state.  I did request she text me when she made it back to campus. 

When DH travels we always call each other at the end of the night.

 

I did not take it seriously that he actually couldn’t sleep. It’s not like I have never texted when I’ve arrived somewhere. It’s the can’t sleep that threw me. I’m perfectly willing to admit it was a flight response to something I felt was manipulative but not a conscious choice to be a brat. 

[LuvToRead]

Just now, AbcdeDooDah said:

I did not take it seriously that he actually couldn’t sleep. It’s not like I have never texted when I’ve arrived somewhere. It’s the can’t sleep that threw me. I’m perfectly willing to admit it was a flight response to something I felt was manipulative but not a conscious choice to be a brat. 

I understand.  After adding context, I think I would have felt the same way.  If you in a manipulative relationship it makes sense you wouldn't want to give in.  Sometimes we do need to stand our ground and not let others dictate how we live our lives.  I'm sorry your going through this!

[AbcdeDooDah]

We also have cameras that he can check. And does. I feel like if someone can find the answer on their own they should. Yeah, I’m broken. 
 

[maize]

3 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

I did not take it seriously that he actually couldn’t sleep. It’s not like I have never texted when I’ve arrived somewhere. It’s the can’t sleep that threw me. I’m perfectly willing to admit it was a flight response to something I felt was manipulative but not a conscious choice to be a brat. 

My observation is that a lot of manipulative behavior stems from (very genuine and real) anxiety. A desire to control things--including people!--is a very natural response to feelings of anxiety.

That doesn't make controlling and manipulative behavior appropriate. Nor does it mean that others need to comply with the controlling behavior.

[kbutton]

8 hours ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

Adding that I didn’t not call as a purposeful choice. I got home after he would have been asleep anyway and I am notoriously forgetful, besides. 
 

I’m really curious about the not sleeping, though.

I didn’t really read the whole thread because it got long. DH works a lot of weird hours and can be driving home tired. I know he’d stop if he got too sleepy, etc. He also often has shifts that go extra long. He texts when he leaves. I don’t have my phone nearby when I sleep, so it doesn’t wake me. If I wake up though and he’s not home when I expect him to be, I can always check and see if he left work so that I know to be concerned or not.

None of us routinely track people, but I know my son will sometimes spot check where we are based on phone location—I think he does this only if he’s waiting on someone and wants to see how long it will be. 

[marbel]

16 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Dh rarely calls me or texts me when he leaves work. His brain is tired and traffic is bad. 

Sure, I get that. I wish in my earlier post I had said something like "whatever works" because really what it comes down to. As long as everyone is happy and the tool works as intended, it doesn't matter what other people do. 

I was thinking about this while out and realized why the idea of (possibly) being tracked doesn't work for me. My first husband and I were together well before smartphones and apps and all, but I think he would have tracked me and perhaps bothered me about places I'd been. And, since we divorced, I was alone and independent for so long, it would seem weird that the guy I married at age 39 would want to know where I am at all times.

And then I remembered that my husband and I have location sharing on google maps, so he probably can see where I am at all times! 

I do like to know that I can stop for a coffee, shop in a store, go through a drive-through, decide on an impulse to go for a walk in a park without having to think about anyone else's thoughts on the matter. 

[sweet2ndchance]

When my parents demanded that I call (from a land line, long before cell phones) every time I turned around, it felt manipulative and unnecessary. They were also angry and prone to guilt tripping when I did not call.

My ex-husband didn't demand I call but demanded I be home in what was usually an unreasonable amount of time for what I had to do when I was out. Anger that I dare deny his command was the reaction rather than concern.

Current dh asks that I let him know what's going on. He is genuinely concerned, not angry, when I do not. I'm happy to oblige him because he asks and doesn't demand and he doesn't get angry or try to guilt trip me if I do not or can't let him know for some reason.

I think the tone of the request and the tone of the relationship in general dictates whether it is a reasonable request.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

Sure, I get that. I wish in my earlier post I had said something like "whatever works" because really what it comes down to. As long as everyone is happy and the tool works as intended, it doesn't matter what other people do. 

I was thinking about this while out and realized why the idea of (possibly) being tracked doesn't work for me. My first husband and I were together well before smartphones and apps and all, but I think he would have tracked me and perhaps bothered me about places I'd been. And, since we divorced, I was alone and independent for so long, it would seem weird that the guy I married at age 39 would want to know where I am at all times.

And then I remembered that my husband and I have location sharing on google maps, so he probably can see where I am at all times! 

I do like to know that I can stop for a coffee, shop in a store, go through a drive-through, decide on an impulse to go for a walk in a park without having to think about anyone else's thoughts on the matter. 

Oh man my first husband would have made me miserable with it. But Dh and I have a great relationship. I never think about what I am doing or where I am going in relation to the app. 
I agree, whatever works. 

[fraidycat]

3 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

We also have cameras that he can check. And does. I feel like if someone can find the answer on their own they should. Yeah, I’m broken. 
 

Not broken. Tired! I can get on board with that. With cameras he has access to, and given the additional context I can understand your response. I still think it was rude and dismissive, but I can "see" better where the reaction came from.

And Maize is correct. IME, anxiety wreaks havoc on everyone in the sphere of the anxious person. The anxious person in my life tries to control and manipulate everyone in the family in an attempt to assuage their anxiety. It's not right and it makes relationship with this person very difficult. I'm glad I don't have to live with them.

[Not_a_Number]

4 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

And Maize is correct. IME, anxiety wreaks havoc on everyone in the sphere of the anxious person. The anxious person in my life tries to control and manipulate everyone in the family in an attempt to assuage their anxiety. It's not right and it makes relationship with this person very difficult. I'm glad I don't have to live with them.

We're all anxious around here. In my experience, it makes a huge difference whether someone is willing to own their anxiety and think of their feelings as their own responsibility. 

When that doesn't happen and the anxiety gets pushed out onto other people, living with that person becomes very hard. 

[Pam in CT]

I have launching-adult kids, and live in a metropolitan NY suburb, connected by trains that run fairly infrequently at night. When the "kids" are "home" for holidays / breaks, they very often take a train into NY to meet up with friends there. And if it gets late or they don't feel like dealing with the wait on a desolate train platform on the NY end, or waiting around for an Uber on the suburban back end, they very often make a spontaneous decision to crash on a friend's sofa.

So I ask them to please call or text their plans. Even though they're grown @ss launching-adults about whose wherabouts I have no earthly idea when they're off in their regular lives. But when they're "home," I rest easier if I know what they're up to.

I'd put Person A's request in a sort of reverse-bucket to this.  When A is home, A can *see* B and rest easy. When A is away, A just wants to know all is well. Does not strike me as a big ask.  A text should do the trick if it's late to call.

 

[If A were loathe to affirm A's own location/ whereabouts while away, that'd read somewhat differently to me. Different healthy couples have different practices when one or the other is traveling -- some do a lot of checking in / trading daily news; others can go a day or two without contact.  So long as both are OK with whatever level of contact, and it's roughly reciprocal, either model to my mind is just fine.]

[teachermom2834]

Tracking apps are fine for some people but can really cause more anxiety for a lot of others. When I used to check it more frequently it just increased my anxiety. Especially because it isn’t always accurate. Mine erroneously placed young adult ds at a police station one time and at an emergency room another when he was just in the vicinity. Lol. I have it still but I really avoid using it. I don’t want to go trying to see if dh is almost home and seeing college kid at the county jail. (Or even at the mall when he should be in class or whatever).

But I like my 14 yo dd to use it when she is looking for me. I have a long commute in crazy traffic to pick her up from school. I don’t want her calling or texting asking where I am. And I don’t like having to call her when I get somewhere. I like making it her responsibility to keep up with when she should be watching for me. That said, someone in my family saying something like “I saw you stopped at Dunkin’…where is my donut? Or I thought you were on a diet?” Well, that just isn’t something people in my family would think to do or say? So as with so many things…ymmv. 

[vonfirmath]

My husband tells me he sleeps better when I'm home. Sometimes he'll stay up and wait for me to get home just to know for sure.

 

[madteaparty]

All marriages are different but it doesn’t kill someone to send a text. The “I can’t sleep” bit seems a bit controlling but whatever, I would not want every insane request I make to be analysed over the internet nor am I aiming for the master plan marriage lol. Sometimes my DH travels and I forget which town he is in 🤷‍♀️There are certain patterns, for example he always texts me when flight is taking off. I’d wonder what happened if I didn’t get that text but only because I always get that text. 

[AbcdeDooDah]

9 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

Does person A message each night when they get home?

Yes.

3 hours ago, Soror said:

 

The way I read the OP dh is gone all week yet wants you to message when you get home from a simple shopping trip so he won't worry, what? Does he message every time he goes somewhere while he's gone? 

No. He’ll mention later he went to xyz or whatever while he was off. If he didn’t call me at the time I was driving last night, it’s likely he wouldn’t even have known I went anywhere at all. 

54 minutes ago, catz said:

 

I just know I don't personally appreciate being made to feel responsible for anyone else's anxiety even if that's not the intention.  "It would make me feel better if you could shoot me a text" is better than  "you are responsible for my emotions if you don't X" which as the OP is written COULD walk that line depending on wording and context.  We're all projecting right.  Every relationship finds their own balance this way.  Seems like the OP is working on this balance.  That doesn't mean he's wrong or she's wrong.   She may find this irritating due to other history of maybe demanding tone or other reasons.  I find things go better for US if we own our quirks and anxieties and ask for accomdation.  I can see at the end of a really busy day being irritated by given a task.  And maybe it's partially the call vs. shoot me a quick text thing for me.  When we get on a call, it is typically to really talk for a while, which is great if I have the time and space.  But if my load is heavier and it's late while a spouse is out of town, I may not want to.

 

Thank you for this. When I have anxiety about things or worry I don’t put it on another person to fix.

 

 

[AbcdeDooDah]

1 hour ago, Brittany1116 said:

 Based on reading the original post and first reply only, Person A sounds totally normal and resonable. I would be concerned if Person A said B shouldn't be/wasn't allowed to go out at night or alone OR if Person A didn't care at alk what B did or when and felt totally unaffected.

There kind of is that subtext, in this situation and others. When I told him where I was going he exclaimed, “At 6 o’clock at night?” Lol. 

Like, it’s not 2 in the morning. 

[mlktwins]

When I was grown and living on my own, my mom would ask me to call and let it ring once when I got home. 

[rebcoola]

28 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

There kind of is that subtext, in this situation and others. When I told him where I was going he exclaimed, “At 6 o’clock at night?” Lol. 

Like, it’s not 2 in the morning. 

Yeah with your new info it rings different. Im pretty sure I would bristle under those circumstances.

Edited December 10, 2022 by rebcoola
Can't type

[Carol in Cal.]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

 I would hate being tracked like this.  Feels like ankle monitor. 

ITA

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, maize said:

My observation is that a lot of manipulative behavior stems from (very genuine and real) anxiety. A desire to control things--including people!--is a very natural response to feelings of anxiety.

That doesn't make controlling and manipulative behavior appropriate. Nor does it mean that others need to comply with the controlling behavior.

There is truth to this, but it can morph into a very selfish impulse or even a ‘looking for trouble’ one.

I have a relative who does that looking for trouble thing whenever she is in a snit.  Often I’m the target.  She called no less than 4 people, two of them outside her family, last summer, to complain that I had the nerve to drive to a vacation spot 4 hours away from her rather than 1, even though she didn’t need me for anything and still could reach me anytime.  It was completely ridiculous, and although it may have had some roots in anxiety in earlier life, basically she was looking for a reason to be mad at me and manufactured one.  

It’s the same with depression.  What can start, early on, as an attempt to express someone’s special needs during a depressed period, can morph into a consistent, perpetual, intense selfishness/sense of entitlement/demanding nature.   

 

Edited December 10, 2022 by Carol in Cal.

[catz]

17 minutes ago, mlktwins said:

When I was grown and living on my own, my mom would ask me to call and let it ring once when I got home. 

Every night?

I married at 29.  I worked professionally for many years.  I traveled alone for work and pleasure regularly.  Including to Europe and Asia.  I went hiking in Nepal.  I owned my own home.  I had my first solo apartment at 22.  My parents never balked at all and I'm sure I gave them pause many times.  So I guess your background can play into expectations here too.   

Although, I'd wait up for my 18 year old senior in some circumstances, I don't think that hard about what my college senior is up to away on campus.  He does have 3 housemates and a campus internship this year.   My kids aren't the break curfew prone to unexpected behavior types really.  Had covid not come around maybe we would have had a phase of that.