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I had a miscarriage in April and almost died

moonflower

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moonflower

moonflower

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My mom's reaction was "you have to stop getting pregnant in order to preserve the feelings of people who love you" and my sister did not call until a month or so later, when she got pregnant while using a copper IUD and had a medical abortion because of the risk, which is functionally very similar to an early miscarriage and was difficult for her.

I had an ultrasound at 11 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  My OB's office called the next day and asked what I wanted to do - they wanted me to come in for hormone testing.  I said I'd prefer to wait it out at home, both because I was self-pay and because what is a hormone test going to tell me?  Either I'm still pregnant (miracle, according to the ultrasound tech) and there's nothing to do at 11 weeks or I'm not pregnant and there's still nothing to do but wait, because I was hoping to have a natural miscarriage at home.

I had a 8-10 week miscarriage several years ago at home and it was fine.  Not a great experience but okay.

So anyway, they said fine, look for these signs of infection and call us if you have any problems.  I should note that I have a history of uterine atony with postpartum hemorrhage; I am now given something at delivery to firm up my uterus every time.

But anyway, I stayed "pregnant" until about 14 weeks, then started cramping, on a Sunday no less.  Went as expected, was like the first 4-5 cm of labor, passed some largish clots and then the baby.  It was a 10-11 week baby, fully formed; I saw it when I delivered but couldn't stand to look afterward. DH scooped her (I think of it as a her, of course you can't tell gender at that stage) up and put her in a cup on the shelf, I got a pad from the bathroom cabinet and DH went to the garage to construct a small coffin.  While sitting on the toilet putting on the pad there was rather a lot of blood.  I'd done this before once and I didn't remember as much blood, but then I was several weeks earlier.

Anyway, I bled through the first pad in approx. 30 seconds, so I put on another pad.

Then I bled through that pad in 30 seconds, so I got another pad and went to look up "how much blood is normal after miscarriage" on google.  I think I must have been either woozy or panicked because I couldn't figure it out from the google search, so I laid down on my bed with a towel bunched up around me and told one of the kids to go get DH.

We live out in the country, about 20 minutes from the hospital.  I called the hospital to ask if I should come in; they said the OB on call would call me back.  At this point I'd soaked most of a towel and I just thought I'd might as well head toward the ER because I could always turn around.  I even told DH we could just turn around if I stopped bleeding on the way there.

I didn't stop bleeding on the way there, and when the OB called back and I explained the situation she said I should head for the ER.

DH drove really insanely fast.  He put on his hazards and it was pretty crazy, I was kind of out of it.  I bled through another towel and had a third one on when we got to the ER.  The admitting lady didn't want to admit me, although by that point I couldn't stand and was wearing a skirt and a shirt and a towel and the towel was dripping blood.  Security guard called back and a nurse came out to get me, and after that it is a bit of a blur.  I remember being very clammy, and that at first my BP was good - maybe 100/75? but then the next reading was 70/30 and I couldn't see or hear and there was a lot of bustling.  They got two lines in of fluids and eventually blood and I stabilized and all was fine; went into surgery for a D&C; my uterus had not expelled the placenta.  Evidently this is a risk if your miscarriage takes a long time after the baby has died, and if you have a history of uterine atony.  If the OB had told me this I would have done a scheduled D&C right away, alas.

Anyway, I was fine.  Walked out of the hospital the next day; modern medicine is amazing.

But for some time, and still occasionally, I am sad about the baby.  I was not sad with my first miscarriage; it was less baby-like, I think, maybe.  I'm not sure.  Pretty soon afterward I read the part in Anne's House of Dreams (I think that's the right one) where she has her first baby Joyce and it dies, and she is thinking when it rains that it is raining on baby Joyce - I feel like that when it rains.  It has rained a lot this spring.

I have thought of writing this post probably a dozen times since, but it was always too soon.

Also, Blsdmama, if you read this, I read something you posted years ago about almost dying from a similar miscarriage (hemorrhage, early miscarriage, was my impression), and it is part of the reason I went to the ER as quickly as I did.  If I hadn't read it I might very well have just laid on the bed bleeding for 10 or 15 more minutes, thinking it was probably fine, not wanting to go to the trouble of the ER for nothing, and would have been in very serious trouble.  I didn't really have much more than 10 minutes to spare at the rate I was bleeding.  So thank you for that post 🙂

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moonflower

moonflower

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3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Wow!.  I am so so sorry.  What a miracle your Dh was there with you and that you kids to go fetch him. 

I am so sorry about the baby, but I am glad you survived.  

 

DH usually spends the weekends with his twin sister; he stayed home these few weekends just in case and I was so glad he was there.  I would have called him when I felt the first contractions (why do we call them contractions when you're having a live baby but cramps when you're having a dead baby? they feel exactly the same) but it did go pretty fast and who knows what would have happened if I'd had to do that on my own.  

I've looked at a lot of pictures online of fetuses at different stages of development, and I did have a miscarriage at 8 weeks or so with an intact sac (but the fetus inside didn't look like a baby).  This was a different thing entirely.  I can't even communicate it. 

DH and I had an abortion when I was young.  It was at an earlier stage than this miscarriage and I was 17 and had always been told abortion was okay; I had not thought about it much myself beyond OMG I can't be pregnant.  Somehow seeing this baby, miscarried, has brought back the abortion to me.  Is that weird?  At the time I was pro-choice and now I am pro-life but I don't know that that is the difference, because I was pro-life the last time I had a miscarriage and I didn't feel badly about the abortion then.

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moonflower

moonflower

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8 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

So sorry for your loss.  And the fact that your family wasn't there to support you through this.

 

It's funny, they love me and are supportive, sort of.  They mean well, I think.  It's just that for them, it's finally a reason to say thank god she'll stop having kids (my mom is big on not having too many kids).  I know my mom and sister love me, it's just hard for them to see things from a different POV, like it is for all of us.

When I had the first miscarriage, my mom came over while I was miscarrying.  She lived a mile or so away so she came over a lot.  Anyway, she showed up and was nattering to me about something and I finally said mom, I'm having a miscarriage, can you bother me about this later.

And she was great, she took all the kids to her house for the rest of the day and made us dinner that night.  But then she said well, probably it's best you didn't have this baby anyway, you weren't ready for another one yet.

That's what I mean; they're loving and supportive and they mean well, but they can't conceive of a worldview in which every baby is wanted, really wanted, and ready or not I'm not ever happy to miscarry.

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maize

maize

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I'm so glad you are OK and my heart aches for your loss. My mom had two miscarriages--her first pregnancy and her last. I don't know much about that early miscarriage but I know it took her a long time to emotionally work through the mourning process that last time.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. 

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Guest

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Dear god, I am so sorry you went through this. 

And, just as an aside, after my baby girl died at birth, I very often thought about her being in the ground when it rained. I think that maternal instinct to protect our babies from the elements is very strong. Also, that May was one of the rainiest on record, something like 28 days of rain or cloudy skies. My friend who also lost a baby said, “it is heaven crying for our babies.” 

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mumto2

mumto2

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I am so sorry.

I am so glad you went to the hospital so quickly.  I have had several miscarriages and going in for a normal ultrasound and not seeing the heartbeat is so awful.  Somehow just being told never sank in, honestly I felt pregnant until I wasn’t.  Hugs.......

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RootAnn

RootAnn

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I'm glad you finally posted about it. I think it might help you process it a little more when there are others, even though we are on the internet and not in person, who are sad with you and trying to offer you comfort. I am very sorry your family (mom/sister) don't understand your grief. (My mother would not understand either. Only imperfect, weak women have issues according to her. She once told my sister that my sister wouldn't have any childbirth issues because my mom never had them. That was after I'd already had a miscarriage. Grrr!)

I understand. Many hugs.

I would say there is sadness at every anniversary (of when she would have been born, of when you almost died, of that ultrasound, etc.). Certainly, seeing your baby makes it more real. I think that is one of the many reasons doctors want you to have the d&c - so you don't have the same level of trauma & also connection.

Many, many hugs.

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BlsdMama

BlsdMama

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6 hours ago, moonflower said:

My mom's reaction was "you have to stop getting pregnant in order to preserve the feelings of people who love you" and my sister did not call until a month or so later, when she got pregnant while using a copper IUD and had a medical abortion because of the risk, which is functionally very similar to an early miscarriage and was difficult for her.

I had an ultrasound at 11 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  My OB's office called the next day and asked what I wanted to do - they wanted me to come in for hormone testing.  I said I'd prefer to wait it out at home, both because I was self-pay and because what is a hormone test going to tell me?  Either I'm still pregnant (miracle, according to the ultrasound tech) and there's nothing to do at 11 weeks or I'm not pregnant and there's still nothing to do but wait, because I was hoping to have a natural miscarriage at home.

I had a 8-10 week miscarriage several years ago at home and it was fine.  Not a great experience but okay.

So anyway, they said fine, look for these signs of infection and call us if you have any problems.  I should note that I have a history of uterine atony with postpartum hemorrhage; I am now given something at delivery to firm up my uterus every time.

But anyway, I stayed "pregnant" until about 14 weeks, then started cramping, on a Sunday no less.  Went as expected, was like the first 4-5 cm of labor, passed some largish clots and then the baby.  It was a 10-11 week baby, fully formed; I saw it when I delivered but couldn't stand to look afterward. DH scooped her (I think of it as a her, of course you can't tell gender at that stage) up and put her in a cup on the shelf, I got a pad from the bathroom cabinet and DH went to the garage to construct a small coffin.  While sitting on the toilet putting on the pad there was rather a lot of blood.  I'd done this before once and I didn't remember as much blood, but then I was several weeks earlier.

Anyway, I bled through the first pad in approx. 30 seconds, so I put on another pad.

Then I bled through that pad in 30 seconds, so I got another pad and went to look up "how much blood is normal after miscarriage" on google.  I think I must have been either woozy or panicked because I couldn't figure it out from the google search, so I laid down on my bed with a towel bunched up around me and told one of the kids to go get DH.

We live out in the country, about 20 minutes from the hospital.  I called the hospital to ask if I should come in; they said the OB on call would call me back.  At this point I'd soaked most of a towel and I just thought I'd might as well head toward the ER because I could always turn around.  I even told DH we could just turn around if I stopped bleeding on the way there.

I didn't stop bleeding on the way there, and when the OB called back and I explained the situation she said I should head for the ER.

DH drove really insanely fast.  He put on his hazards and it was pretty crazy, I was kind of out of it.  I bled through another towel and had a third one on when we got to the ER.  The admitting lady didn't want to admit me, although by that point I couldn't stand and was wearing a skirt and a shirt and a towel and the towel was dripping blood.  Security guard called back and a nurse came out to get me, and after that it is a bit of a blur.  I remember being very clammy, and that at first my BP was good - maybe 100/75? but then the next reading was 70/30 and I couldn't see or hear and there was a lot of bustling.  They got two lines in of fluids and eventually blood and I stabilized and all was fine; went into surgery for a D&C; my uterus had not expelled the placenta.  Evidently this is a risk if your miscarriage takes a long time after the baby has died, and if you have a history of uterine atony.  If the OB had told me this I would have done a scheduled D&C right away, alas.

Anyway, I was fine.  Walked out of the hospital the next day; modern medicine is amazing.

But for some time, and still occasionally, I am sad about the baby.  I was not sad with my first miscarriage; it was less baby-like, I think, maybe.  I'm not sure.  Pretty soon afterward I read the part in Anne's House of Dreams (I think that's the right one) where she has her first baby Joyce and it dies, and she is thinking when it rains that it is raining on baby Joyce - I feel like that when it rains.  It has rained a lot this spring.

I have thought of writing this post probably a dozen times since, but it was always too soon.

Also, Blsdmama, if you read this, I read something you posted years ago about almost dying from a similar miscarriage (hemorrhage, early miscarriage, was my impression), and it is part of the reason I went to the ER as quickly as I did.  If I hadn't read it I might very well have just laid on the bed bleeding for 10 or 15 more minutes, thinking it was probably fine, not wanting to go to the trouble of the ER for nothing, and would have been in very serious trouble.  I didn't really have much more than 10 minutes to spare at the rate I was bleeding.  So thank you for that post 🙂

Oh thank God.

Oh I am so glad you're okay, I'm in tears and so glad I posted my experience.  
It moves so, so, so fast and you're just thinking about the baby and not understanding....................

I am so sorry to you and your family for the loss of your precious baby.  I pray that you are comforted by one another and a peace that passes all understanding and I am so, so grateful you are okay.

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MercyA

MercyA

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Oh, moonflower, I am so very sorry but so very glad you are okay. Deepest sympathy for your most recent loss and the others as well. Hugs to you.

After a miscarriage a very close relative told me to "put a smile on my face." She had her reasons and believe it or not really meant well. Another close relative didn't even say she was sorry. 😞 I was only ever able to have one child so one would think that they might be more...sensitive? But you are very, very wise in recognizing that everyone sees life through their own lenses. The most sympathy (and a sweet card) came from my SIL, who had lost a baby herself.

The Hive has helped me in so many significant ways but it's amazing and wonderful (although somehow not surprising) that blsdmama's post may have saved your life. ❤️

 

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moonflower

moonflower

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1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

Oh thank God.

Oh I am so glad you're okay, I'm in tears and so glad I posted my experience.  
It moves so, so, so fast and you're just thinking about the baby and not understanding....................

I am so sorry to you and your family for the loss of your precious baby.  I pray that you are comforted by one another and a peace that passes all understanding and I am so, so grateful you are okay.

 

Yes, that is it, it just moves so fast and I wasn't understanding at all what was happening.  I didn't even really think I needed to go to the hospital necessarily, but I remember thinking, well, Blsdmama did almost bleed out that once after a miscarriage at home, so it's possible that's what's happening to me, probably I should just head towards the hospital in case it doesn't stop.  

 

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moonflower

moonflower

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4 hours ago, Quill said:

Dear god, I am so sorry you went through this. 

And, just as an aside, after my baby girl died at birth, I very often thought about her being in the ground when it rained. I think that maternal instinct to protect our babies from the elements is very strong. Also, that May was one of the rainiest on record, something like 28 days of rain or cloudy skies. My friend who also lost a baby said, “it is heaven crying for our babies.” 

 

It's amazing what parts of grief are common within the human experience.  I remember reading, when my dad died, that people who are grieving often feel irrational guilt, and I did feel guilty about my dad, and that helped me sort of process it, to realize it was part of the human condition and not unique to me.  It helps me to hear that you thought about your daughter in the rain too, although I'm so sorry you lost her.

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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7 hours ago, moonflower said:

 

DH usually spends the weekends with his twin sister; he stayed home these few weekends just in case and I was so glad he was there.  I would have called him when I felt the first contractions (why do we call them contractions when you're having a live baby but cramps when you're having a dead baby? they feel exactly the same) but it did go pretty fast and who knows what would have happened if I'd had to do that on my own.  

I've looked at a lot of pictures online of fetuses at different stages of development, and I did have a miscarriage at 8 weeks or so with an intact sac (but the fetus inside didn't look like a baby).  This was a different thing entirely.  I can't even communicate it. 

DH and I had an abortion when I was young.  It was at an earlier stage than this miscarriage and I was 17 and had always been told abortion was okay; I had not thought about it much myself beyond OMG I can't be pregnant.  Somehow seeing this baby, miscarried, has brought back the abortion to me.  Is that weird?  At the time I was pro-choice and now I am pro-life but I don't know that that is the difference, because I was pro-life the last time I had a miscarriage and I didn't feel badly about the abortion then.

I am so so sorry my dear.  I am sure seeing the baby so fully formed caused you to think about the past. 

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8 hours ago, moonflower said:

 

DH usually spends the weekends with his twin sister; he stayed home these few weekends just in case and I was so glad he was there.  I would have called him when I felt the first contractions (why do we call them contractions when you're having a live baby but cramps when you're having a dead baby? they feel exactly the same) but it did go pretty fast and who knows what would have happened if I'd had to do that on my own.  

I've looked at a lot of pictures online of fetuses at different stages of development, and I did have a miscarriage at 8 weeks or so with an intact sac (but the fetus inside didn't look like a baby).  This was a different thing entirely.  I can't even communicate it. 

DH and I had an abortion when I was young.  It was at an earlier stage than this miscarriage and I was 17 and had always been told abortion was okay; I had not thought about it much myself beyond OMG I can't be pregnant.  Somehow seeing this baby, miscarried, has brought back the abortion to me.  Is that weird?  At the time I was pro-choice and now I am pro-life but I don't know that that is the difference, because I was pro-life the last time I had a miscarriage and I didn't feel badly about the abortion then.

I don’t think this is a strange response. After my full-term baby died, I also had a very early miscarriage, at 8 weeks, but with probably no life after five weeks. So, not even discernable as anything but clotty material. I miscarried “naturally”; i.e., no D&C. The miscarriage made me sad, but it was nothing at all like holding a fully-developed, 9lb 2oz perfect baby girl with no life. The early m/c was mostly just losing the *idea* of that baby, while the stillbirth was 100% the loss of that person, that child. I think the difference in this case was that you saw the reality of the baby, which is not what happened in your previous losses. I don’t find it surprising that you would think about the abortion differently. Please give yourself grace; you have been through a terrible trauma and were physically impacted by nearly losing your own life. 

I am so sorry your mom and sister are not really giving you the kind of support you need. I learned, after losing my daughter, that I had to keep helpful people close and put distance to the ones who did not help. When I just went through fighting breast cancer, I was very choosy about who I let assist me. Some people, who in other respects are my good friends, I simply kept them at arm’s length on this matter. I learned that lesson before and I didn’t want the complication of wishing someone would be a better friend if I already knew they weren’t really the right friend for that. 

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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8 hours ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

Also, I don't think it's weird that this brought back the abortion. I think, especially at 17, you're going to have different thoughts and feelings about and then you turn those things over again in your brain for the rest of your life.  But through life experience and child birth and losing children, those all converge with age, and then you're able to then reflect on things in a different way if that makes any sense whatsoever. You're now seeing it through what you have, and what you have lost. That might be making the sting of this more painful- maybe not, but there's no way to go through any of that and not look at it all through the lens of where you are now. It all comes together. It's painful, and again I'm so sorry. It will add to your empathy and sympathy for others as you go forward, and that's about the only good thing I can say ever comes from anything as painful as what you went/are going through. 

Liking your post was not enough.  I was going to post something similar but you said it better.  

One of my best friends had an abortion at age 18, strongly encouraged, maybe even coerced by her very religious parents to do so.  A few years ears later she married and had a baby. When the baby was about a year old she got pregnant again and then found out her husband was cheating and in fact had got his girlfriend pregnant.  So she decided it was best to get an abortion. She drove to the abortion Clinc and found it unexpectedly closed.  She sat in the parking lot and decided at that moment she couldn’t do it.  So she leaves cheating husband, has the baby, gets her tubes tied.  Then a few years later meets her now husband.  When her kids were like 8 and 10 ( and I knew her at this point) they decided to reverse her tubal.  All the prelim visits and labs were done, they had an appointment for the surgery in a big city a few hours away....she was so excited....and then her husband changed his mind.  She. Was. Devastated.  It was then she told me about the abortion at 18.  And how it all came rushing back to her.  She eventually told her kids about it, and her step daughter (that came to live with them at age 13 the year after the canceled reversal).  She wanted to provide them with her experience e...her sorrow and grief over what she let her self be talked in to at age 18.  

Eventually she was able to see that it was better they didn’t do the reversal...step daughter came to live with them (after no visitation beforehand) and things were rough.

So yes things do converge upon us as the years go by.  Things shift and we see things different and then grieve and wish we had done things differently.

 

(((moonflower))))

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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10 minutes ago, Quill said:

I don’t think this is a strange response. After my full-term baby died, I also had a very early miscarriage, at 8 weeks, but with probably no life after five weeks. So, not even discernable as anything but clotty material. I miscarried “naturally”; i.e., no D&C. The miscarriage made me sad, but it was nothing at all like holding a fully-developed, 9lb 2oz perfect baby girl with no life. The early m/c was mostly just losing the *idea* of that baby, while the stillbirth was 100% the loss of that person, that child. I think the difference in this case was that you saw the reality of the baby, which is not what happened in your previous losses. I don’t find it surprising that you would think about the abortion differently. Please give yourself grace; you have been through a terrible trauma and were physically impacted by nearly losing your own life. 

I am so sorry your mom and sister are not really giving you the kind of support you need. I learned, after losing my daughter, that I had to keep helpful people close and put distance to the ones who did not help. When I just went through fighting breast cancer, I was very choosy about who I let assist me. Some people, who in other respects are my good friends, I simply kept them at arm’s length on this matter. I learned that lesson before and I didn’t want the complication of wishing someone would be a better friend if I already knew they weren’t really the right friend for that. 

Yes, sort of along that same line, I had so many late periods when I was hoping for a second child.  I did grieve  the idea of the baby I was now not going to have.  I imagine an early miscarriage is similar and then it just gets 10 times worse when you see the baby.

Sorry for your baby girl Quill.  

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1 hour ago, Momto6inIN said:

I'm so sorry. I remember a total feeling of unreality after my miscarriage ... like I was a balloon floating along completely untethered from the world. Hugs and prayers moonflower

I have used virtually the identical description. In the movie Forest Gump, Forest talks about how he doesn’t know if mama was right and we’re like a leaf blowing on the wind, or Leutenant Dan was right and we are each filling a destiny. But that visual from the beginning of the movie, where the leaf is blown along - I felt like that was me. I was just a leaf being blown along. 

Edited by Quill
I have no idea how to spell Leutenant
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Momto6inIN

Momto6inIN

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5 minutes ago, Quill said:

I have used virtually the identical description. In the movie Forest Gump, Forest talks about how he doesn’t know if mama was right and we’re like a leaf blowing on the wind, or Leutenant Dan was right and we are each filling a destiny. But that visual from the beginning of the movie, where the leaf is blown along - I felt like that was me. I was just a leaf being blown along. 

I gave you a sad face emoji on your post not because what you said made me sad (well, sorta it did I guess because I remember that feeling so well) but because "like" didn't seem quite right. I've often prayed for you about your loss Quill.

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happypamama

happypamama

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I am so, so sorry for your loss. And I am so glad you went in.  

 

Losing a child at any stage is terrible. Nobody else gets to tell you how to feel or for how long you get to grieve. I'm sorry some people have not been understanding. Much love and many hugs to you and your precious baby. 

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