I had a miscarriage in April and almost died

[Catwoman]

I’m so very sorry, Moonflower. I feel so sad for you about the baby, but I am very relieved that you were smart enough to get to the hospital quickly and that your dh was such a big help to you. It’s so scary to think of how easily you could have died if your dh hadn’t been there. It sounds like everything happened so quickly that you couldn’t even think straight from losing all of that blood all at once. 

It’s just awful that you had to go through this. Praying for you and your baby. 

[moonflower]

I think part of it was that bleeding (some) is normal both with miscarriage and even monthly, so there's not this immediate reaction to the blood that you would have if say your arm started gushing blood, or your ears, or something.  Also, once I had miscarried the baby, there was no more pain; it went from say a 4-5 on the pain scale to a zero.  So I was gushing blood but it was from a place that I'm pretty used to bleeding without alarm and also nothing hurt.  My brain just wasn't getting the normal "this is a serious problem" signals.  

And when I called the L&D desk at the hospital (I couldn't call my OB because it was Sunday), and said look I'm really really bleeding rather a lot, how much is normal?  They said the OB would call me back.  And she did - by that time we were already in the car on the way to the ER - and I said well, I just miscarried and I'm bleeding and I just can't seem to tell how much bleeding is normal.  And she said there could be a lot of blood with a miscarriage and up to a pad an hour was fine.  I must not have been thinking clearly at this point because I said yes, I get that, but what about right away?  Like right afterward? (because I was going through a pad in a single gush, every 2-3 minutes).  For some reason I thought it should be different right afterward.  And she said look, if you sit on the toilet and feel like you can't even put on a pad because it's pointless, drive straight to the ER.  And I still thought it would probably slack off and we could turn around when it stopped and just go home.

I read a lot of accounts of miscarriages and hypovolemic shock and postpartum hemorrhages at home and let me tell you, I dislike hospitals and doctors but I am never ever doing it at home again, ever.  Ever. Restoring fluid volume is such a simple procedure in a hospital and so life-saving and so impossible at home.

[Melissa in Australia]

so so sorry for your loss

 glad you made it. Huge hugs

 

I miscarried at 12 weeks over 16 years ago. I miscarried on the toilet at home.

 

I remember being extremely sad when the septic tank was emptied a few years later. It was like I had lost my baby all over again. I have never ever told anyone this as I thought people would think me ridiculous

[kiwik]

I am so sorry.  Also glad you live close to the hospital (if you lived an hour away it doesn't bear thinking of).  Be kind to yourself.

[BlsdMama]

 

On 6/23/2019 at 8:45 AM, moonflower said:

 

It's funny, they love me and are supportive, sort of.  They mean well, I think.  It's just that for them, it's finally a reason to say thank god she'll stop having kids (my mom is big on not having too many kids).  I know my mom and sister love me, it's just hard for them to see things from a different POV, like it is for all of us.

When I had the first miscarriage, my mom came over while I was miscarrying.  She lived a mile or so away so she came over a lot.  Anyway, she showed up and was nattering to me about something and I finally said mom, I'm having a miscarriage, can you bother me about this later.

And she was great, she took all the kids to her house for the rest of the day and made us dinner that night.  But then she said well, probably it's best you didn't have this baby anyway, you weren't ready for another one yet.

That's what I mean; they're loving and supportive and they mean well, but they can't conceive of a worldview in which every baby is wanted, really wanted, and ready or not I'm not ever happy to miscarry.

 

I think sometimes we just have to tell ourselves they don't get it. My mom always tried to be kind by saying, "There was probably something wrong with it," every time.  

Honestly, I debate myself often - what if I just said, "Mom, that's awful.  I get that we don't agree, but you just said I'm better off without a baby that I'm mourning.  You don't have to get it.  You don't even have to say nice and appropriate things.   Just don't say something awful."

But, I'm not that daughter. You're right - they don't understand.  And I'm sad for them about that, that they can't fathom being willing to have another baby and just love it, not because it was The Plan but just because it was created and loved.  I feel sorry for them.

20 hours ago, moonflower said:

 

Yes, that is it, it just moves so fast and I wasn't understanding at all what was happening.  I didn't even really think I needed to go to the hospital necessarily, but I remember thinking, well, Blsdmama did almost bleed out that once after a miscarriage at home, so it's possible that's what's happening to me, probably I should just head towards the hospital in case it doesn't stop.  

 

It was an almost identical experience - we found out about the loss early, around 8 weeks, and opted to miscarry naturally.  I was 11-12 when the miscarriage happened all at once - a few cramps and a gush.  I tried to find the baby and couldn't.  I tried to clean up and couldn't.  I passed out in the ambulance before it ever left the driveway and they cut my shirt up the sleeves and put in two lines.  It was ugly and horrific and my oldest daughter was left to clean up the mess.  I've written it a couple times... part of healing I suppose. 

I had no idea a miscarriage could be that fast or ferocious.  I'm grateful that you went in.  I was so confused and honestly, DH made the call.  I don't know that I would have... and I'm glad you recognized that you really needed to go.  Miscarriages are harder though when you're sad about missing a person. (ETA to clarify:  sadder when you recognize that loss as a real loss of your baby vs. the overall idea that the pregnancy was a mistake of sorts which is easier to process.)

 

Edited June 24, 2019 by BlsdMama

[LLucy]

Moonflower, I'm so sorry.  You are grieving, and grief takes its own time. Plus trauma.  I think that our culture has rid itself of many of the helpful rituals we had in olden times for dealing with loss.  Everything is expected to be on a work schedule.

I am dealing with my father's recent death and trying to help my mother navigate after 60 years together with him.  And it brings up memories of my late first-trimester miscarriage (17 years ago), an emotional entanglement I did not expect to be attached to this newer grief. But emotions, and retrieval of memories, can be strange.

I have a poem for you by James Reiss, "The Green Tree," and I'll quote just the last bit:

...My only son died one day after

birth, weighing two pounds.  His name was

Jeffrey, but I have always preferred to call him "Under-the-Earth"

or, especially on rainy days, "Under-the-Sod."  In fact,

sometimes I catch myself repeating these words: "My only son,

Under-the-Sod, is playing over there by the green tree."

 

Many condolences on your loss.

__ LL

 

[Zoo Keeper]

Moonflower,

my deepest sympathy on your loss.  My prayers are with you at this very hard time. May God grant you grace as you continue to heal.

Edited June 25, 2019 by Zoo Keeper

[SeaConquest]

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. May her memory be for a blessing. Thank G-d you are alive. May he bring you strength and peace.

[Just Kate]

I’m so so sorry for your terrible loss but I am thankful that you went to the hospital. I’m also thankful to you for sharing. (((hugs)))

[EMS83]

Memory eternal.  I'm so sorry.  ::hugs::

I'm so glad you are fine, though!  Do be kind to yourself.

[mmasc]

I’m very sorry for your loss @moonflower  that sounds scary and altogether heartbreaking. May you heal and find peace in your grief. 

[umsami]

Wow, what a scary ordeal.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know that my four miscarriages all brought up different stuff--sometimes surprising me.  The birth of my daughter sent me on a search to find my biological mom, as well as reminding me of some childhood sexual abuse.  It was tough to get through at the time, but now, looking back, I'm glad I got to revisit and process and heal from those experiences.

Keeping you in my prayers.<3 

[Carol in Cal.]

I am SO GLAD you are OK, and SO SORRY for your grievous loss.

Miscarriage is so rarely talked about that people don’t know how to deal with it, yet it’s pretty common so we should.  I think your family was horribly insensitive, and said some really dumb and hurtful things.  I’m sorry about that too.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

You've been through so much, Moonflower.  I can't even imagine.  Hugs to you, and lots of love.  

[barnwife]

On 6/24/2019 at 4:29 AM, Melissa in Australia said:

I remember being extremely sad when the septic tank was emptied a few years later. It was like I had lost my baby all over again. I have never ever told anyone this as I thought people would think me ridiculous

 

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
Melissa in Australia, I miscarried at the end of first trimester last fall, at home. (TMI warning!) For better or for worse, I was sitting on the toilet. While it made cleanup easier, the sound of everything falling into the toilet haunts me still. Hearing things plop into water is still likely to make me cry. I am quite sure there are people who think I am crazy due to that and the fact that they don't know about the miscarriage. Anyway, you are absolutely not ridiculous.
Again, OP, I am sorry for your heartbreaking experience.

[Melissa in Australia]

hugs barnwife

[Vintage81]

I’m so sorry Moonflower. Many hugs to you.

[Rachel]

(((Hugs)))) I’m very sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your family isn’t being more supportive in the way you need the support.