who decides where to put things in a new house?

[caedmyn]

If a family moves into a new house, who gets primary say on where things go (ie which closets get used for which things, how to arrange the kitchen, what gets childproofed, and that sort of thing)?  Dad works full time and when he's home, spends most of his time in his home office.  Mom is a SAHM and homeschools several children plus has some younger children.  Mom makes meals for herself and kids 3+ times a day.  Dad makes dinner for everybody about once a week and makes dinner and sometimes lunch for himself most days (most often by reheating food but sometimes cooks).

[Catwoman]

Mom decides.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dh gets his side of the bedroom and his bathroom. And his study. And the garage because those are his work spaces. 

I get my side of the bedroom and the “family “ bathroom. I also get my study area and the kitchen because those are my work spaces. 

The kids get their bedrooms. 

We all get the living/dining room because those are shared spaces. 

[Lecka]

We have moved several times.

My husband unpacks almost everything while I take care of kids (sometimes staying at my parents’, sometimes taking them out to a park and things like that).

He unpacks in whatever way makes sense to him, and then I move things around to make sense to me.  Then my husband might have something he wants to move back, and we discuss that.  A lot of times he will let it be my way as he sees I am shorter than him and it makes some natural things for him be hard for me to reach.  Other times I let it be how he wants.  I think our spices are stored too close to the stove right now, and our first aid box is a little hard for me to reach.  But my husband really likes it that way.  On every other thing I like how it is.  

[hjffkj]

I wouldn't say anyone gets primary say.  If their is conflict in where things go then those things need to be discussed and a compromise needs to be made.  I would imagine the person who uses the kitchen the most would have more of a say in the kitchen but not necessarily on everything.  Both people need to be able to feel like they are allowed to make the home their own.  If one person has all the say then the other person is merely a roommate in a house they help pay for.

[ksr5377]

Mom.  

[Lecka]

Also I think that whoever unloads the dishwasher most regularly or otherwise puts away dishes, is going to put things away as desired!  

For us it is only the kitchen where it comes up.  He doesn’t care if I rearrange a linen closet.  He doesn’t care about the kids’ rooms as long as it seems fine.  

[City Mouse]

The person who unpacks get first choice, but then I change things the way I want them. 😀

[Lecka]

I also do not care how he arranges the tv/computer room.  That takes some time.  We often end up with some furniture not working and needing to get different furniture over a year or two.  Or — trying different pieces of furniture.  

Here a dresser and a computer desk did not fit at all.  We re-purposed another desk for the computer, and then eventually got a different dresser. 

My husband takes the lead on that, he puts things up on Craigslist and texts with people.  We agree on things we buy but he sets the budget and decides what our next purchase will be.  I have input and he takes me into consideration, but he takes on this responsibility.

He does nothing as far as managing insurance changes or finding new doctors and dentists for the kids.  I take on that responsibility.  

Overall we are pretty even, I would say.  He tries to do as much as he can before he goes to work, and then I take care of what is left, to some extent.  I think he has always had at least several days off of work, and he knocks a lot of things out then.  

We are making military moves so we have packers come, which makes a big difference.  

[Sneezyone]

25 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

If a family moves into a new house, who gets primary say on where things go (ie which closets get used for which things, how to arrange the kitchen, what gets childproofed, and that sort of thing)?  Dad works full time and when he's home, spends most of his time in his home office.  Mom is a SAHM and homeschools several children plus has some younger children.  Mom makes meals for herself and kids 3+ times a day.  Dad makes dinner for everybody about once a week and makes dinner and sometimes lunch for himself most days (most often by reheating food but sometimes cooks).

 

My kids are old enough to have *some* say in their own rooms although I do advise on furniture placement, wall colors and decor. In every other space (OK, save master bedroom paint), I decide but especially for the kitchen. I spend more time in there than anyone else so it needs to be functional for me. I do let DH organize his side of the bathroom vanity cabinet as well as his dresser. lol. In your scenario, particularly if the home office has a door (even one with panes of glass that I could frost would work), DH would be in charge.

Edited January 4, 2019 by Sneezyone

[Lecka]

My husband actually decides almost all of our furniture placement.  His mom loves interior design and a lot rubbed off on him!  We always have at least one room that needs to be rearranged, though.  It just takes a little time to see what will work.  

[SamanthaCarter]

Mom chooses where things go, duh! 🧐

Kids can rearrange thier rooms as suit them, dad can rearrange his dedicated workspace as suits him. 

[Shoeless]

We decide together.  If DH feels really strongly that something needs to go in certain place and I feel very strongly that he is wrong, we'll live with it his way for awhile.  Then we try my way, and what do you know, he agrees that I am right! 😉 

[Amira]

Me.  We’ve moved 25 times and I just don’t have time to discuss everything with dh.  For this last move, the stuff showed up while dh was in another country so I unpacked everything by myself.  We had talked about where to put some furniture, and I don’t deal with any of his stuff, and the boys decide on their rooms, but overall I just get it done.  In particular, I think that the kitchen should be organized by the person who uses it the vast majority of the time, if kitchen work is divided that way.  Ds does try to organize the kitchen differently because he unloads the dishwasher, but I move anything he puts in the wrong place. 🙂

[Arcadia]

For my parents home, it is my mom who gets first pick because she is short (1.53m) and she has difficulty walking and getting stuff.  So what she needs has to be easily accessible to her. My dad is tall and he is still very mobile so he can reach higher shelves comfortably.

For my in-laws, my FIL gets to decide because MIL never gets a say due to patriarchal issues.  

For my home, I get to decide because I am short (1.57m) and my kids overshot my height by the time they turn twelve. Also my husband and kids usually can’t find their stuff so it makes sense that I get to pick since I find everybody’s stuff. 

Another factor is that I used to work in global logistics and deal with stock inventories while my husband is used to putting stuff anywhere there is space, including stacking unrelated stuff. He is also spatially challenged so he would buy items that are too big or too small. So my husband rather leave the furniture choices and where to put them to me. 

We decided on the childproof stuff together but I did get more say because I have rambunctious nephews and nieces who treat furniture as climbing structures and open any drawer within their reach. His nieces did climb over a babygate and fell down a flight of stairs at their own home, his sister and her husband were amused and annoyed/exasperated. 

[DesertBlossom]

Mostly me.

Sometimes DH has some darn good ideas that improve the flow or usage of things. But mostly I do the organizing. DH organizes his own spaces. 

However, don't ask me about the silent argument we had over how high to hange the pictures on the wall.

[KungFuPanda]

The person with the main responsibility for working in or maintaining the space gets to set it up.  It’s ridiculous for anyone who uses the space 10% of the time to dictate how things are arranged and selfish to demand it. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I've become more assertive about this since my inclination was always to discuss, agree, then act, and DH's is just to act.

So in self-defense I have started being really, really clear about what I feel like we need, and even reversing some of DH's decisions.  For instance, although I think it's fine to have animal heads in a great room or library, I recognize that a lot of people out here would never bring themselves to eat or even sit comfortably in a room that features dead animals as decor, so the deer head came down from the great room wall, and the bear skin did not go up.

[gardenmom5]

whomever is the primary user of a space, and has the best eye for detail and sense of function.

so - dad decides what goes where in his office

mom decides what goes where in the kitchen.   dad can give his suggestion on something that affects him in the kitchen, mom can take is under advisement seeing as he  sometimes uses the space.  if it works for her (or there is somewhere in the kitchen it can be stored), fine.  if it doesn't, she's the primary user and has final say.

 

[regentrude]

The adults decide together for shared spaces, but the person who uses the space primarily gets the final say. If I make all or most of the meals, I get to decide how to organize the kitchen. If DH maintains the tech in the house, he gets to decide how to store the stuff that relates to it. Anything joint, we do it together.

[HomeAgain]

Whoever is willing to unpack.

Everything gets adjusted from there to optimal storage/location.  Or we tease each other for a year over where the darn couch should go: the living room where I want matching arm chairs or down in the basement where I don't have to see it but it will get plenty of use.  (I'm winning this one very slooooooooowly)
DH unpacked in this house. It quickly became apparent that putting my baking stuff on the top shelf when I use a stepstool to get to the bottom shelf was not going to work well for either of us.  We  rearranged and put his items up higher so, hello, he doesn't have to bend over to dig in a lower cabinet all the time.

[Sherry in OH]

It varies by zone, but mostly me.  I do the bulk of the unpacking.  

[KrissiK]

Funny you should ask. We are right in the middle of moving to a new house. I get full say in where things go in the house, except for the computers, which is DH’s domain. He, of course, can venture an opinion, but I make the final decision. DH gets full command over the garage and the shed.

[marbel]

We've only moved 3 times, but it seems like we pretty much come to agreement together.  I guess I am more in charge of the kitchen but my husband is good at work flow and placement, so we work on it together. He is in charge of his own office and the kids were in charge of their own rooms with this last move since they were old enough. I guess I am more in charge of my/his bedroom.  

[TechWife]

10 hours ago, hjffkj said:

I wouldn't say anyone gets primary say.  If their is conflict in where things go then those things need to be discussed and a compromise needs to be made.  I would imagine the person who uses the kitchen the most would have more of a say in the kitchen but not necessarily on everything.  Both people need to be able to feel like they are allowed to make the home their own.  If one person has all the say then the other person is merely a roommate in a house they help pay for.

This. We will be moving this year. We are building, so we know what the house will look like. We’ve already decided on a lot of furniture placement as that was a consideration for finding a floor plan that works for us. The kitchen will be the most difficult space to organize as it is different than any kitchen we have had before. We have a lot more cabinets, which is a good thing, but we will have to figure out work flow, which can be hard to do ahead of time. My husband does more cooking than I do, but I’m more able to organize and group items by task and location, so we will work together on it. 

[Lawana]

If I am reading the subtext correctly, your dh thinks he should have primary say in just about everything, and for some reason you have difficulty being heard, whether because he is so dominant and possibly controlling, or you have a hard time speaking up, or some of each. It seems to me this issue is one more in a very long line of issues with the same subtext. My personal experience in a similar dynamic is that it took extended time with a warm, accepting therapist to learn to trust first her, then me. It hasn’t removed the marital conflict, but my emotional response to it is much different. I am increasingly able to validate my own point of view and depersonalize his crap. 

You desrve validation which I sense you are not getting in your primary intimate relationship. IMO you need to seek out an ongoing source of validation as a nonnegotiable resource for *you*.   

Thank god my insurance started covering therapy sessions at the same copay as a primary care appointment. 

[lulalu]

We have moved every few years since we got married. I always decide where things go! We had many fights after our first 2 moves, but worked it out that if I use stuff the most, I need to be able to reach it all and have stuff I use often where I need it. 

I was on an extended trip years ago leaving dh alone at home for a month. I returned to my kitchen all rearranged! I made him move it all back! 

[Rachel]

Every house we have ever moved to it’s been kind of obvious where stuff should go. My husband definitely gets priority choice in the garage. I mostly decided in the kitchen. We did discuss if plates were better here or there. Does it make more sense to have the boys’ room closer to the stairs etc.  Nothing has to be permanent. We are pretty laid back people though about this kind of stuff. 

[busymama7]

I decided due to the one home most but I get to hear complaints about it regularly especially the kitchen. I mean hello, he rarely cooks or does dishes so not sure why he cares so much. 🙄. It works for me. 

[goldberry]

11 hours ago, SamanthaCarter said:

Mom chooses where things go, duh! 🧐

Kids can rearrange thier rooms as suit them, dad can rearrange his dedicated workspace as suits him. 

This.  DH did arrange the movie/tv area because he is particular about that and I am not.  Although he wanted to put the screen over the fireplace and I vetoed it.

[elegantlion]

Me, because I have a better idea where everything should go. 🤣 When I was married, everything but his office was up to me. We generally agreed about the living room, big furniture etc. Ds arranges his own room. 

This is one thing about living with my mom that drives me batty. She has her own spaces and that includes her living room, the dining room, and the kitchen. I don't like where she has put everything, but they're her rooms, plus she uses the kitchen way more than me. She also has some big heavy furniture that will only fit in certain spaces. Mostly I don't like how she has accessorized certain pieces. 

I don't really care, but I do like viewing an aestheticly pleasing room. Thankfully, I have my own living area and bedroom to do as I please. 

 

[kbutton]

In our house, the more organized people decide (and they are the people at home the most using things the most). When I say more organized, I don't mean people who alphabetize spices--I mean people who kind of get why things work or don't work; people who can find an "easier" way to store something, etc. We value function over everything else, but we try for attractive too. Usually we get both. This house, we also set aside a guest room totally as an office/craft room. It's a mess because we've prioritized getting everything else settled; however, it's saving our bacon because we decided what lives there is stuff that "didn't have a home" in the last house. We can organize it--it's within reach; it's just not been the priority. It was supposed to be, but getting a safe place for me to eat took precedence, and then school started, etc.

We also had a lot packed when we first moved that we unpacked slowly or not at all. For example, I have food allergies, and I need an entire area of the kitchen that is safe. I can't do that and have easy access to seldom used items, so we unpacked the essentials first, rearranged them a couple of times, and the seldom used items are mostly in the basement (but in easy to open boxes on easy to access shelves). Safety first, and that means counter space and cupboard space for me to prep my meals.

The garage is sort of my DH's domain, but really, he is not good at organizing or maintaining organization. He couldn't keep a smaller area organized at the last house. My son is really good at getting things organized, and he is keeping the garage organized until we find a more permanent solution. It's also been agreed that DH will look over my Pinterest board to get a feel for possible organizational ideas. If he doesn't do that, when the weather gets nice, DS and I will just do it, lol! If he does look and can find some things he likes, then we'll all do it together. 

I am guessing there is a lot more going on, and if you just need a vote of confidence, my short answer is that YOU get to decide because you seem to do everything, and the person who does everything needs that support. 

[J-rap]

I've always thought of it as a joint thing.  Sure, I might have been home more, but my dh had a way better eye for interior design and organization.

[Storygirl]

The homemaker gets to decide how to organize the home.

 

[maize]

11 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

The person with the main responsibility for working in or maintaining the space gets to set it up.  It’s ridiculous for anyone who uses the space 10% of the time to dictate how things are arranged and selfish to demand it. 

This.

I don't get to go arrange my husband's office space at work to my liking because I am not the one using it.

Same goes for home workspace. The person using it most gets most of the decision making authority.

[Moonhawk]

Scenario provided is literally what we are, and have moved/rearranged a couple times this past year.

I (Mom) puts away everything and decides best place for it except for office and DH's closet. If he thinks something can be better placed or doesn't make sense where I put it, he can mention it to me and I'll move it if I agree. If he needs to ask me multiple times where a certain thing is, I will consider moving it to a more obvious place. 

Generally DH has a good idea for how things flow and agrees with me, and I appreciate his input on the times he sees something that can be improved. But, since he's not the one using the space in the majority, a difference of opinion will swing my way. 

edit: also, when I'm placing stuff I try and place things where I think DH would like or would help him in his own needs; I take into account the needs/uses of everything for the entire family, not just where I would like it most. 

Edited January 4, 2019 by Moonhawk

[Clemsondana]

My husband figures out what our constraints are for where electronics needs to go - he's an engineer and makes sure the cables reach and there are sufficient outlets, etc.  Once we sort that out, I usually do the rest.  He helps move stuff, so if I'm pondering, he'll say 'how about X', but usually I'm the one who has to maintain things so whatever I do is fine.  I'm also more organized, so sometimes he asks me to help with stuff that's 'his space', but otherwise I leave that alone.  If he has a strong preference about something, I'll usually go with it if it makes sense, but it's rarely an issue.  

[Katy]

I choose how everything that isn't directly handled mostly by DH, including which house we buy.

I actually wish he'd help put away more stuff because he's naturally better at organizing than I am.

[Loowit]

We decide most of it together.  The kitchen is mine to do with what I will.  DH's only request is that I let him know if I move something to a new location.  The garage is DH's to handle, although middle child has an interest in it, so he helps.  The bedrooms are up to the current "owner".  In the master bedroom, DH and I decide, but I usually get more say.  There have been times when DH has been out of town and I rearranged things to something that I felt had a better flow.  He doesn't seem to care much.

[Jaybee]

We have moved many, many times. I do most of the deciding, but others have control of their bedrooms and primary workplaces (garage, for example). I will also listen to suggestions, if anybody has a strong opinion about something. Usually they don't however, when it comes to the main living areas. Sometimes I ask for advice, as well, but I generally arrange things mentally for a bit before it's actually in the place. Many of our homes haven't had a lot of options of how things could sensibly be arranged, though.

ETA: Generally, it's not something my dh cares about. He just likes it when it's done.

Edited January 4, 2019 by Jaybee

[KungFuPanda]

I’m glad I’m not the only person who moves things when DH is out of town. 😬

[Farrar]

The person who uses the spaces most and cares most. People who don't cook as often shouldn't have a bigger say about the kitchen just because.

Kids have the right to organize their spaces unless they can't keep them organized. I had to lay down the law for ds about this recently. No, "things I'm thinking about wearing" is not a legit category for a section of the closet. And I can tell because your tights, swim trunks, a jacket, and dirty mismatched socks can clearly not all "belong" in the same drawer.

[Bambam]

My dh does really care except for his garage and his room. The kitchen I organize because I'm the main user. My daughters, as they got older and helped more, had input and we could discuss possible rearrangements. Your bedroom - you organize as long as there is a safe path to the door and window. Living spaces are usually I propose, others comment if they see a problem with it (blocking all the outlets on one side of the room/ interrupted flow / whatever). 

But, overall except for places we use a lot (my computer area, my dh's computer area, kitchen, garage tool storage), we don't care that much, so that helps. 

[Andromeda]

When we moved into our present home, I was so worn out from the move that I was unable to make a simple decision where to put things in the kitchen. I was just standing there staring at empty cupboards. 😄

Thankfully a good friend came from out of state to help, and she just started unpacking and putting things wherever - just temporarily. The funny thing is that everything is still where she put them- nearly 20 years later, and it works quite well. I haven't once wished that a dish or spoon or whatever would have been stored someplace else.

Edited January 5, 2019 by RosemaryAndThyme

[LaughingCat]

DH is the main cook but thankfully we both agree that these things should be decided together.  I must admit I'd be pretty mad if he thought that gave him final authority to organize however he wanted without any input from me.  

Same with all the shared spaces in the house.  IMO just because someone is not there most of the day or not the primary user does not somehow negate their input.   We are all living here together. 

OTOH we're both pretty reasonable about it too.

[Petrichor]

If you're having a conflict about it, I think that's a problem.

Stuff gets moved around in our house all the time. Not in a "where did you put all the spoons today" sort of way, but in a "let's try out a new home for these items, and see if it works better."

We just rearranged the furniture in the living room today. And by "we" I mean "I told DH where to move the couches to while I was busy in the kitchen."

If I want to try out some new arrangement, he doesn't fight me on it. If he wants to move things around, I don't fight him on it - unless it will impact my daily function (eg. plates too high for me to reach)

But whenever he makes a crazy suggestion (like the time he wanted to put the mixing bowls I use all the time on a high shelf when they had a perfect home on a low shelf) I explain to him why I need them where they were, and since he is reasonable/not controlling, and we have a good working relationship, he either asks me to try it out for a few days, or he gives up his argument and realizes that I have reasons for putting things where I have them. Same for if he thinks I'm making a crazy decision - we try it for a few days, and if it's working, it works, and if it doesn't, we move things. It's not like things can't be moved later if it's not working.

They aren't glued down, so it's no big deal where they go initially.

Edited January 5, 2019 by Petrichor