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About Storygirl

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  1. I understand the posts that suggest homeschooling. But if he refuses even to do homework for you, I don't see, realistically, how you would get him to do any academics without constant fight and struggle. I would personally keep him in school but explore options with the IEP team. And perhaps see if there is a private autism school in your area that might be a better placement. One thing our vocational school has is a job training program that starts in NINTH grade. It is for a limited number of students for whom standard academics are not a good path but who need job skills. It is not the right placement for my son, so I don't know details, but they spend their day at the vocational school, doing academic and hands-on classes, and I think the idea is that it is a feeder into the regular vocational school that starts in 11th grade. I know that vocational ed is different everywhere. But I would not have known about this program if I had not done my own research about job training. You might see if your vocational school offers any services for job training for ninth graders. Because attendance is mandated by law and he has an IEP, the IEP team needs to make a plan to help work through this. You don't need to figure it out on your own. I agree that it may be worth it to hire an advocate or lawyer to make sure the IEP has enough support written into it.
  2. I don't know if anecdotal evidence is meaningful, but DS14 has been on meds for ADHD for five years now, and they are still effective for him. Five (plus) years can help you get through a good chunk of childhood. I'm sorry your husband won't consider them. They have been life changing here. I'm not kidding.
  3. My three younger children have required chores but no allowance. And they don't get money as gifts, so they have very little personal cash. I actually think they should have an allowance, but we have not established one for the three younger ones yet. Since they have little cash, we do pay for their social outings. So the fact that you pay them for work around the house, OP, means they are fortunate! Oldest does get a monthly allowance and has for a couple of years. Her allowance started when I got tired of buying birthday gifts for her friends. She also likes make up and clothes. Now she has a part time job, but we continue her allowance. If there is a school sanctioned activity with her friends, we will pay. But if she just goes to the movies with friends, she pays. We pay for gas. She pays for any gifts she wants to give. We will switch to this model with the others as well, and probably soon. Now that they are teens but still too young for a part time job, I think that paying extra for certain chores is a good way to teach them how to earn money. We have not paid for chores before now, because we consider them just part of family life, but I see the benefit of considering it.
  4. This is in no way a solution for any of this. BUT I really loved the movie Moms' Night Out. The depiction of a frazzled mom who feels like a failure really resonated with me. And it has a message about God's purpose for motherhood that is realistic and uplifting and unlike what I got from other churchy teachings. It doesn't gloss over and suggest everything can be easily solved or is just in mom's head. Which makes me think of a song in the new LEGO movie. The first movie had that catchy song, "Everything Is Awesome." The new movie changes the song to "Everything's Not Awesome." I puffy heart loved that.
  5. @IvyInFlorida I very much relate to your post, Ivy. We are an adoptive family as well. I also find that I am deeply emotionally effected by pouring so much of myself into parenting. And not receiving an emotional return from the children. Part of this is normal for parenting (all parents serve out more to their children than they get in return). On that one hand, that is a bit comforting. On the other hand, I think it makes it difficult for many parents to understand what it is like in families like ours. Because they think, "Yes, that is what motherhood is like." And they don't understand that it happens to a more intense degree for some families. I was also a rule following, easy to raise child. Though I had a difficult older brother. I knew that when I had children, I would parent in such a way that my own children would not be as difficult as my brother was. ***pausing for the maniacal laughter happening in my brain***
  6. DD13 most likely also has undiagnosed ADHD. She is the only person I can base my answer on, and so I say yes, she needs more practice on chores than average. Part of this may be memory related, but I think more of it is due to EF and rushing through tasks. When called back to redo something so that it is correct, she CAN do the task. It is not that she has not learned how. But she does not do it adequately on a regular basis. A little example -- she puts items into the dishwasher any way that they land, instead of placing them properly, and she does this just about every time. When called back to correct it, she is able. She just did not apply the skill in the moment.
  7. I can empathize, cadmyn. On the first time obedience thing....I don't know about the OP, but I learned this expectation from reading parenting books and going to parenting classes at my church. It is presented as biblical, so as a committed Christian who wanted to be the best possible parent, I absorbed the message. However, my children did NOT. And I have felt a lot of discouragement from that, too. And discouragement from teaching them the same things over and over and over again. And then over and over again. For years and years and years. Because they don't learn it. Sigh. I was deep in discouragement and probably depression, and it helped me when I stopped homeschooling. I just needed some breathing room from all of the constant struggle and the continual bad feelings that I was having. I had also become isolated from friends, because when I had four very young children, I just couldn't reach out to others; I was so exhausted. And my friends fell off the radar. So my world kind of diminished to being all about homeschooling (also kids with LDs) and parenting, and those things were so, so hard, and my outlook was bleak. My kids have been in school now for four years. I'm still working on pulling out of it and reforming friendships and figuring out what to do with myself that does not revolve solely around parenting. I think one of the things that hit me hard is that I had the life I had always wanted. I had always, always dreamed of being a stay at home mom. It was crushing to feel like I was failing at the one thing that I had so longed to do. I thought I was made for being a mother. And I felt that I was unable to do it well. I don't have answers for you, because I had to give up homeschooling in order to keep from sinking personally. I guess I would say that it might help to find some way to have some kind of happiness or fulfillment outside of your family obligations. And I realize how easy that is to say and how hard it is to do when you have so many children. But it might help a little. I also think that you are likely doing better than it feels. Even when you fall short (we all do), you are a blessing to your children, and in the long run, it will be okay. It just seems like a very, very long run much of the time.
  8. There are a few moms on the boards who have had teens diagnosed with ASD. I may be one of them one day, because one of my sons has spectrum traits and a list of other diagnoses but has not been fully tested for autism yet (it was ruled out by a previous neuropsych years ago who only ran a screening tool). So it's not uncommon. And especially for girls, who tend to be diagnosed later and exhibit traits not always identified as being related to the spectrum. If you do an internet search for autism and girls, you will find some things about this. In fact, we have had multiple psychs tell us that DS does NOT have autism, just based on their opinion, but none of them have run full evaluations to see if he meets the criteria. It can be really hard to tell, based just upon observation, without running testing. This is why so many people with high functioning autism can pass through life seeming neurotypical to most others that they interact with. It's helpful to have the diagnosis, I think. It's good for her to understand herself as well as she can. If she goes to college, she may be eligible for some accommodations, depending on what her evaluations say. And people on the spectrum have a harder time holding down jobs and may need assistance from state or county vocational rehabilitation. Having the diagnosis opens these doors to help. Although people with autism can be social, they may also have social quirks that make personal and work relationships more challenging. People who are known to have autism sometimes get a "social pass," meaning that once people realize they have a disability, they may be more accepting of differences. There may be times when revealing the diagnosis is helpful. There are some areas of education that are common trouble spots for people with ASD, so it would also give you or her teachers (if you don't homeschool) the opportunity to provide purposeful intervention. Reading comprehension, for example, can be troublesome. Knowing the root cause can help you target the kind of help that is needed. Also, because ASD can/does include perseverative thinking, it may be helpful for the counselor to be able to consider whether the things she is seeing in therapy are part of the OCD or perhaps are related to ASD. It's normal to be nervous about new diagnoses, but I really think there are positives to knowing. It's also normal to feel the guilt, but it does not mean you did anything wrong at all. You are just getting new information now that you didn't have before, and going forward, you will be able to see some things differently and understand more about the root causes. If you look in at the Learning Challenges board, you may find posts that help you. And feel free to post over there, as well, if it would help you. I find the LC community to be a great support for me.
  9. My sister loves Tevas, so I ordered some. They have good arch support, but the arch hit the bottom of my foot in the wrong place, so I had to send them back. I wore a certain style of Clarks for 15+ years. I wore the sandals daily in the summer, and they would last for a couple of years. Then I would order the exact pair again. But they changed them, and they no longer worked for me. I have very narrow feet and need straps all over to hold sandals on, so it's hard to find ones that fit me. I wore Naturalizer hurache style sandals for the last two summers, but the strap around the heel stretched, and now I need to replace them. They were good for daily wear for one summer for me. This summer, I am trying a different style of Clarks. They are snug while new, so I am hopeful they will hold up. Clarks has many styles to choose from.
  10. I'm sorry, Wendy. I hope that having a diagnosis helps in some ways. I know that every day is more than hard. I also know that your children are blessed to have you for a mother.
  11. My puppy has a new sweater on today! Actually, it is her only sweater, and I would not put a sweater on a dog normally. But she was groomed yesterday and transformed from a giant fluffy puffball to a skinny thing with a close-cropped cut. And she seemed kind of cold, so I bought her one. She seems to like it. It's an unusual circumstance, and I normally would not do it. But I know some people do dress their pets.
  12. I'm not on social media other than this site, so I don't know the comments you are referring to. However, I've long said that people should not say that fathers are babysitting when they are caring for their own children. It really doesn't have anything to do with any of the things that you mention. Those things just need to be worked out by the couple. For me it is merely the term "babysitting." No one says that mothers babysit their own children, so we should not say that of fathers, either. When fathers are the sole caretakers of their children, they are just parenting, not babysitting. Even if they are not familiar with all of the routines and need instructions. Edited to add: I actually don't say this in real life, because it is not my concern to tell other people what words to use. But It's been my opinion for a long time -- since before I had children, so 20 years or more -- and is not based on any social media postings. I think words have power and that we should choose them carefully.
  13. DH works in banking and looks at business credit scores frequently. He thinks that income is not factored into credit scores, but length of credit history definitely is. So a younger borrower will not have a score that is as high. And any new accounts, including loans, will lower the credit score, because they represent additional risk. The account balance relative to the maximum credit limit also has an effect. So if you have a card with a $10,000 limit (I'm just making up numbers) and use $8,000 of it, the score will be lower than if you only use $1,000 toward the credit limit. This may not be a factor with your situation, but he mentioned it, so I'm passing it along. But the relatively shorter length of credit history and the presence of a student loan would impact her scores and make them lower than yours, even though you both use the same credit card account. Our daughter is an authorized user on one of our credit cards and has been for about a year. We have not checked her scores (we should!), but DH says her score would be expected to be lower than ours, because she has a much shorter credit history and does not have a lengthy record of timely payments. Whereas DH and I have positive credit history going back 30+ years. He didn't think that being an authorized user on your card is what makes her credit lower than yours, but that it is the other factors. He also qualified his answer by saying that he is not an expert on how the credit scores are calculated, even though he examines credit scores as part of his job.
  14. Schools will do that for students on an IEP. I have never heard of a school doing it based upon a parent's request or the student's age. How old is she? And is she homeschooled right now? If you really feel she needs a grade adjustment, and she is not in high school yet, perhaps consider an extra year before high school, instead of an extra year at the end. If she is already enrolled in school, that would not work. But if you homeschool now and are enrolling for high school, you could delay enrollment and have an extra 8th grade year at home.
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