family photographs with

[gardenmom5]

always include children's spouses, or without?  (NOT including sibling only photographs.)

When you have a family photo, do you have some that parents and adult children, no spouses?

If I'm not clear - please let me know so I can clarify.

[J-rap]

Our official family photo, one that we'd hang on our wall or send with Christmas cards, would always include children's spouses.  Their spouses are family now, for sure.  But we also might have some pictures with just our original family -- those are special in a different way.

[Melissa in Australia]

 I couldnot vote

 there was no option for  never had a professional family photo

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Arcadia]

On my side, the only professional family photo was taken as a college graduation photo. I wasn’t dating anyone at that time. On my husband side, the only professional family photo taken was before we relocated to the states. Spouses were included and it was a four generations photo. 
For formal photos not taken at a studio, e.g. graduation photos, wedding photos, not all photos would have the spouses. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

In my extended family, spouses are family.  We have always had photos with everyone (unless we had a couple of special ones separated out by smaller family groups). 

[Arctic Bunny]

My feelings are still hurt from every “family” picture I’ve been asked not to be in for the past 25 years, including at my wedding, my husband’s graduation (years after the wedding), etc.

[Kassia]

32 minutes ago, Arctic Bunny said:

My feelings are still hurt from every “family” picture I’ve been asked not to be in for the past 25 years, including at my wedding, my husband’s graduation (years after the wedding), etc.

That is so cruel.  I'm very sorry.  

[Momto6inIN]

I have a friend whose in laws routinely do not include her in things like that, and I can tell you it is very, very, very hurtful. I would never exclude a spouse from a whole-family photo! Girlfriends and boyfriends are more murky, imo. My uncle who has lived with the same woman for 20+ years - yes. My kid who has a girlfriend who may or may not stick around - no. 

[Soror]

We always do a variety of combinations. Whole family- spouses, kids, grandkids- nuclear family, parents and kid + their family, grandparents with grandkids, etc. We don't do a lot of photos unless it is a special holiday occasion.

[Faith-manor]

We have not had professional photos except at weddings, and those included a wide variety of groupings. Last Christmas we did a photo of us with our sons, dd, son in law, and grandsons. I got the camera focused in, made sure everything looked right in the frame, then handed my camera to my mom, and jumped in with the group. It turned out nice. Then Dh and I stepped out and had the grandmas get into the mix, and took one of all of them together. We will do something similar this year because we are getting a 2nd year in a row of scheduling working out that we have all of our adult children able to be together for Christmas. We are extra kind to our son in law because his parents are both still working, have very very little vacation, and are foster parents in a state that is super restrictive so his foster sisters are not allowed to travel ever, and it is rare that respite care is provided. Dd and DSIL's 2nd munchkin, our grandson #2, is almost two and his other grandparents will just get to meet him for the first time next month. Throughout the pandemic, the agency the grandparents foster with, restricted them from having visitors at their house and only just now provided respite care so they could see their family. Dsil sometimes is sad about how little he gets to see his folks. I would not in a million years even think to pile on that by ridiculously claiming he is not family and excluding him! We consider him our fourth son.

Dh is also sensitive. His father was a putz and deliberately excluded me, as well as his siblings' spouses from everything he could think of declaring us not real family. Yet my family acted like dh had always been one of us. So he was included with great warmth. He determined early on that as a father in law, he was going to be as welcoming and warm as his kids' spouses were comfortable with.

We have always been careful about boyfriends/girlfriends though. Being included in family photos, on display in pics of family activities can be too much pressure in a relationship that is still casual. So engaged or living together long term/committed partnership, is when we begin considering the partner as family. Though that said, we have two honorary daughters who are "family" and always will be. They appear in a ton of our photos. So "definitions" And how things work out can be complicated. 

Edited October 4, 2021 by Faith-manor

[ksr5377]

I'm referring to my family of origin here, as none of my children are old enough to have a spouse.   If there were only one picture being taken it would include everyone.  However, every few years we have photos done and we usually take a large number of poses, including one that will just have my siblings and I (my mom's favorite), one of all the kids with their spouses, one of all the girls, one of all the boys etc. etc.  

[Bambam]

We've exactly one professional family photo done - back when the kids were younger.

But I've thought about this because I have several FB friends who share a bunch of professional family photos. 

I think we will do both (if we do any professional photos - typically not our thing, the first time we were helping out a family friend building business). One with spouses, one without. Because I think when grandchildren show up, the spouses need to be there - otherwise it looks funny. But if there are any grandchildren, then I think a picture of just grandchildren, and a picture of each individual family, then a group of everyone, and then a picture of original starting family (grandmom, granddad, their children). If there is some family history of a specific shot (like moms with their first born children), then add that too. 

I have wondered what my dd's former bf's family did with the professional family photos where they included her (a girlfriend). They also did ones without her, so I feel they tossed the ones with her in them.  They had professional family photos multiple times a year. 
 

[gardenmom5]

4 hours ago, Arctic Bunny said:

My feelings are still hurt from every “family” picture I’ve been asked not to be in for the past 25 years, including at my wedding, my husband’s graduation (years after the wedding), etc.

I'm so sorry - that is beyond the pale. 

 

[marbel]

This isn't about professional photos but if we had professional photos done, I would do the same thing - have some with spouses, some without.  

Whenever we get together with my in-laws, we set up a family photo with everyone (me included; I'm the only spouse) and then a photo without me, just my husband, his sister, his parents and our kids. I figure it's nice for my in-laws to have a photo of just their kids and their grandkids.

I would feel terribly hurt if I was always excluded. And now that I am thinking of it, I may have started the practice of excluding myself. So, I don't know how that will work if/when I ever have daughters or sons-in-law. Because I would never want them to feel excluded.

[happi duck]

Spouses are *definitely* family but I think getting different combinations is important too.  If one photo will be on display then I'd choose one with everyone but I'd be sure to get prints of the other combos.

I cherish my foo sibling photos, especially when I'm missing my sisters.  It's a different dynamic than photos with our spouses. 

[gardenmom5]

This is a subject I don't recall encountering before.  Or it just hasn't registered as "a thing".   
 

We did family photos this weekend (everyone is here), and the photographer asked if we wanted one of just us with our children. (four adult children, one teen).  AND, including grandbabies.  He said it quietly, to me, because he didn't want my dsil to hear.  I was stunned, it was something I never had supposed.   To me,  dsil is part of our family and he will be in the group shots.  I said it several times, and I had no problem with dsil hearing me.  

I've tried to make an effort to let dsil know he is part of our family from the time they were engaged.  (and especially since he went no-contact with his natal family - he is close to a cousin who lives near them.  I believe it is a mark of my success that he wants to spend time with us.) 

The photographer actually seemed relieved when I said that - I was left with the impression, it's a request he's encountered multiple times in his career.  (he's getting to retirement age.)

Then I got to wondering- how common is this?  I've heard enough horror stories I can imagine there are parents out there that would seek to exclude their child's spouse.

I did have a shot done of dd, dsil, and the babies.  And dh, me, and grandbabies. (who were very tired and cranky -  he said, he only needs a second. He even got dudeling to almost/smile when he makes a deliberate effort to not respond.)

*interesting note.  He still uses film.  Not 35mm, but bigger with greater resolution.  He said he can do things with film he couldn't do with a DSLR. 

[gardenmom5]

Just to say - a sibling photo is one thing, and that is not what I'm talking about.

Even a photo of parents and adult children is one thing.  

But, to me - parents, adult children, and grandchildren but not including the grandchildren's other *present* parent,  is inconceivable to me.

 

eta: we once did a photo of *just* mil's grandchildren. (not including her great-grandchildren).   Someone (in the family!) objected to dudeling being in the shot because they thought he was a great-grandchild . . . . .

Edited October 4, 2021 by gardenmom5

[SKL]

I answered based on theory, since the last time there was a "professional family photo" [a church one] involving my family, my folks' oldest kid was not old enough to drive.  😛

[WildflowerMom]

I haven't read the replies, but please include spouses.  That is strange to have a 'family' picture and only include half the family.   We got family pictures done with my in-laws when ds was about 5, so many years ago.  I think it was me who insisted they get a 'family' picture of the parents and their 2 adult kids (dh & his sis).  I thought they may want that and just not know how to say it.  I was wrong.  They did take the pic, but they absolutely wanted none of those pics when it came to purchasing because I wasn't included.   Now many years later and with an adult kid of my own, I get it.   Your child's spouse *is* your family, whether it's by marriage or not, even if they're not your fave person in the world.   It's all one family.  

[purpleowl]

I would find it odd for the spouses to routinely be excluded. An occasional pic with parents and their adult children, sure, no problem. Add the grandkids in there and it would seem weird to exclude the adult children's spouses.

I recall one situation where the kids and I were excluded and it was odd, but I don't think it was intentional. I think the person in charge of the photos there didn't have a good plan and so some pics that should have happened didn't.

[BlsdMama]

I can't vote because we do both.

We did shots with just our kids, then just with grandkids, then with everyone, including spouses.  We did the same with my parents and sibs and with DH's parents and sibs.

[ksr5377]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

Just to say - a sibling photo is one thing, and that is not what I'm talking about.

Even a photo of parents and adult children is one thing.  

But, to me - parents, adult children, and grandchildren but not including the grandchildren's other *present* parent,  is inconceivable to me.

 

eta: we once did a photo of *just* mil's grandchildren. (not including her great-grandchildren).   Someone (in the family!) objected to dudeling being in the shot because they thought he was a great-grandchild . . . . .

To the bolded, I agree with you, that's strange.  As I said earlier we get photos done every few years and this never even crossed my mind as an option.  If it's my parents, my children and myself, then my husband should also be in that picture.

[Murphy101]

We don’t do professional photos very often. Like rarely. It’s expensive!

But for family photos at milestones or events? It’s a free for all. We take some of just kids, all of us, all of us plus friends of the family. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

I have the problem of treating them like they're mine even when they're just dating so I can't imagine not including them after engagement and definitely not after marriage. Unless it was a special remake of an old pic.

Just learn from me and don't put a guy they're dating in the middle of the Christmas pic, even if he's there Christmas morning and feels like yours 🤣  Or at least put him on the outside of the group so he can be cropped out 😅

[Kassia]

10 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I have the problem of treating them like they're mine even when they're just dating so I can't imagine not including them after engagement and definitely not after marriage. Unless it was a special remake of an old pic.

Just learn from me and don't put a guy they're dating in the middle of the Christmas pic, even if he's there Christmas morning and feels like yours 🤣  Or at least put him on the outside of the group so he can be cropped out 😅

Ugh - I have the same problem with both - treating them like family too soon and including them in family photos, which is great at the time but not so great if there's a break-up (this has happened once and the ex is in several years of family photos).  

 

[rebcoola]

 MIL is big into professional photos and makes us do every possible combination.  

My FIL has never done pro photos with us but at events he typically only.wants Pics of his blood family.  Considering his number of marriages he probably doesn't consider spouses family.

In my family of origin everyone is included.

[matrips]

I think it’s nice to have an ‘original family’ photo as well as one with the spouses.  So do both of you can.

[rocassie]

We got my MIL family photographs done a few years back.  We did a variety of poses: MIL with grandchildren, MIL with children, MIL with each family, and MIL with whole extended family including spouses.

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

Ugh - I have the same problem with both - treating them like family too soon and including them in family photos, which is great at the time but not so great if there's a break-up (this has happened once and the ex is in several years of family photos).  

 

Glad it isn't just me 😉 I got the "you should've known better" from several people. And, tbh, I did *know*, its just they all sat down like that and he was too much part of the family for me to say "hey, move to the outside so I can crop you out if y'all break up 🤣". This dd's current boyfriend (totally plans to marry her, we'll see) thinks its hilarious because it is so reflective of my personality, I was just as accepting of him, and he says to never get rid of those pics because it's just who I am and we can all laugh about it 🤣

[Scarlett]

I just think people need to use good sense and not hurt people's feelings....being excluded from your own wedding pictures seems really really weird. And hurtful.  But other times....I mean, I can see doing a generation picture, so you want your parent, you, your kid, your grandkid....including any spouses seems odd in that situation.  And I take pictures all of the time of just my MIL and which ever of her 7 children happen to be there. If someone asked me to step out so only FOO could be photographed I would and I don't think I would be hurt, but they take plenty which include me and I feel very secure in their family.

I do wish the family photo that includes dh and his XW when they were like 19 and 20 did not occupy quite so prominent  a place in the main hall way at MIL's house.  LOL  But how can I be mad about it?  She was part of their family for 21 years.  They loved her.  They are still kind to her on the rare occasion their paths cross.  

[Kassia]

25 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

This dd's current boyfriend (totally plans to marry her, we'll see) thinks its hilarious because it is so reflective of my personality, I was just as accepting of him, and he says to never get rid of those pics because it's just who I am and we can all laugh about it 🤣

Yes, that's my personality too!  Glad it's not causing trouble with dd's boyfriend now.  I *think* ds' current girlfriend (and I think they will get married) is okay with the pictures since she was good friends with ds while he was dating his ex and knew the ex pretty well.  It's not like it's a secret or anything.  They are all facebook friends and none have taken down pics of the others - even the couple shots of the exes.  I think it's a bit weird but seems to work fine for them so it's not my business!  

I did get rid of all the solo shots of the ex and also any excess of couple photos in the photo albums.  

 

 

[JustEm]

2 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

Just to say - a sibling photo is one thing, and that is not what I'm talking about.

Even a photo of parents and adult children is one thing.  

But, to me - parents, adult children, and grandchildren but not including the grandchildren's other *present* parent,  is inconceivable to me.

 

eta: we once did a photo of *just* mil's grandchildren. (not including her great-grandchildren).   Someone (in the family!) objected to dudeling being in the shot because they thought he was a great-grandchild . . . . .

I agree completely with the bolded. That would be so hurtful. It feels like 'gotta get this picture in case you split so we have one without them we can still cherish.'

[Clemsondana]

My mom takes a ton of pics when we go on vacation.  She always gets one of the whole family, but she sometimes gets one of my parents, me, and sibling. Sometimes she does something like her, me, and my girl or my brother with both of my kids (kids with uncle), usually one of me, husband, and our 2 kids (family unit), or one of me, husband and brother (all one generation).  My dad was one of 5 and they usually did a siblings pic, a siblings with parents pic, one of everybody, one of parents, siblings, their spouses, one of all the grandkids with grandparents, and sometimes one of the boys and one of girls or some other combo like that.  

[Paige]

We always had some with the original nuclear family and with spouses; some with kids and grandparents separately, some just kids. I'm not offended to be left out of some pictures- it's a reprieve! 😁 I'd probably be offended if other spouses were included but not me but that never happens. I came last so the other spouses had worked it out before I got there- maybe it would be weirder if there were just 1-2 siblings and only one person left out. 

[theelfqueen]

When you have the option - I would try to take a mix of with and without spouses in the same setting.

Other than a wedding - both parties to the wedding should be in most photos (though pics of just the bride and her parents or whatever are pretty normal just not in a huge balance). 

Edited October 4, 2021 by theelfqueen

[frogger]

I like the idea of both.  As a child/sibling I have one family that takes both kinds and one family that doesn't. Almost all family photos have been at weddings as that is the only time we are all together and I'm the only that hasn't been divorced. Even my own wedding has 3 spouses that are now ex's in it so can I put up the photo? It feels too awkward so there is no family photos I feel comfortable putting up. Sigh

[Danae]

4 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

Just to say - a sibling photo is one thing, and that is not what I'm talking about.

Even a photo of parents and adult children is one thing.  

But, to me - parents, adult children, and grandchildren but not including the grandchildren's other *present* parent,  is inconceivable to me.

 

eta: we once did a photo of *just* mil's grandchildren. (not including her great-grandchildren).   Someone (in the family!) objected to dudeling being in the shot because they thought he was a great-grandchild . . . . .

The bolded is exactly what I would have said.  If sub-groupings are happening, then a photo of an older generation and their adult children makes sense to me . . . it’s their nuclear family all grown up.  But adding in the next generation with one of their parents included and not the other, when both parents are present and not divorced, is bizarre. 
 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, theelfqueen said:

 

Other than a wedding - both parties to the wedding should be in most photos (though pics of just the bride and her parents or whatever are pretty normal just not in a huge balance). 

Then there is a groom and parents too.  It's balanced. 

44 minutes ago, frogger said:

Almost all family photos have been at weddings as that is the only time we are all together and I'm the only that hasn't been divorced. Even my own wedding has 3 spouses that are now ex's in it so can I put up the photo? It feels too awkward so there is no family photos I feel comfortable putting up. Sigh

Are these no longer spouses parents of your children's cousins?

I'd put up the picture.   It's your wedding.   Its history.  To any siblings that object,  I'd say: I'm using it as an object lesson for my children in being sure they marry the right person the first time.   It's also being inclusive to your children's cousin's other parent.

 

 

Edited October 4, 2021 by gardenmom5

[DawnM]

I see no issue with having both at a photo shoot.   

My best friend's brother has been married 3 times and currently lives with his girlfriend.   And her sister lives with her former boyfriend (father of her kids) but has a new one, never married.

So, it can get very complicated for sure.

[theelfqueen]

4 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

Then there is a groom and parents too.  It's balanced. 

 

 

That's basically what I mean by "or whatever" ... I should be less flippant lol

[HeartString]

I think comes down to “how” it’s done and what the family dynamic is.  My sister in law and I plan my side of the families pictures and we include everyone and do a bunch of different combinations. She wouldn’t blink if we got a generations type picture, neither would my husband, but I think that’s because spouses feel secure and welcomed and wanted.  

[Clarita]

Last time I took professional pictures with my extended family was my wedding. So there were hundreds of pictures and all the combinations of people I could imagine I took pictures with. I'm Chinese you don't eat at your wedding reception you take pictures with EVERYONE in every possible combination.

My grandma always put up the giant family picture from the weddings and they would include the one-time date my cousin bought or the waiter that we all thought was hilarious.  

[Dmmetler]

We have whole family photos, but, for example, at my parent's anniversary party, L's graduation, etc, we also did a range of groupings-so grandparents and grand childrens, siblings with spouses, siblings and parents, etc, siblings together, etc.  And sometimes "Family" includes family, plus close friends who happened to be there that day, too. In one case, the photographer WAS a close family friend, so we have all these professional shots, and then some amateur ones taken on cell phones, etc so he could be included, too. 

 

 

[mlktwins]

I will just tell my experience if it helps.  I was married before.  XH was in a lot of our family pictures for 13 years (7 from before we were married).  I still have the pics, but none with him are displayed anywhere anymore.  I can look at the pics and not be upset, but I am certainly not going to display them anywhere - we didn't have kids so I didn't have that to worry about.

I am now happily remarried.  When taking family pics with my DH's family, I always suggested getting pics with just my in-laws and the 3 kids (and later with the grandchildren) both with and without me and my SIL.  Didn't bother me at all.  She was not thrilled.  But...you just never know.

My mom has been gone since 2001 and I wish I had more of our family photos without the XH in them as we can't go back and have a do-over.

Kind of off-topic, but I also learned the hard way not to take all important (to me) pics of my kids with their friends in them all the time.  For example, when you are on the same swim team and they all won big awards at the end of the season, get pics with them all together and without the friend (so as to not hurt anyone's feelings).  Make sure to get some separate.  My boys' best friend's mom ended up not being the nicest person and killed our friendship, which killed our boys' friendship.  They do not want any pics of them with him anymore and I don't blame them - it was pretty bad.  Lessons learned.

 

[Junie]

We haven't been really good about getting family photos taken, however I am all for separate photos for whatever and how ever many groups anyone wants, so long as the entire group is either excluded or included.  Individuals being excluded I am not ok with.

I guess excluding in-laws "just in case of divorce" is a reality in my family.  My family tree is more like a bush.  It goes out in all kinds of weird directions.

 

[ScoutTN]

No professional family pics here, except at weddings.  MIL is the photo organizer and always includes a variety of groupings. We “outlaws” have always been included and never made to feel unwelcome. Everyone groans when it picture time at family gatherings, but we are all glad to have the pics.

[Junie]

41 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

No professional family pics here, except at weddings.  MIL is the photo organizer and always includes a variety of groupings. We “outlaws” have always been included and never made to feel unwelcome. Everyone groans when it picture time at family gatherings, but we are all glad to have the pics.

This is how my MIL did pictures, too.

My FOO took very few pictures.  One roll of film would last a whole year.  My mom would usually need to switch to a new roll on Christmas afternoon and when the photos were developed we had everything from Christmas afternoon of the previous year to Christmas morning of the current year. 😞

 

[Bootsie]

DH and I have been married for over a quarter of a century.  His older children gave him a book comprised of family pictures from over that they created for his birthday.  I do not appear is a single picture in the entire book.  Spouses of aunts and uncles are included, pictures of their spouses are included, non-family members are included.  I don't know if that was intentional or not. 

[Kassia]

@BootsieI'm sorry.  😞