Kind of a s/o-how many people had a positive middle school age social experience?

[Dmmetler]

We've had several threads on the logic stage board and the AL board on the difficulty at finding friends/peers for middle schoolers, and I know a ton of kids here locally go back to PS because of social stuff. My DD is in the process of applying for a specific program in large part because she wants friends/peers.

 

And I have to wonder-looking back at my 6th-9th grade years, I was pretty miserable. I had a few friends, but socially/emotionally, that was a really low point in my life. I've heard other people say similar things, including some of the people who I would have sworn were having the time of their life in Jr. high.

 

I'm really wondering if maybe the problem isn't homeschooling or not having cognitive peers, but just that it's really, really hard for a middle school aged girl to be happy with her life! And, if so, if maybe the best choice is to just plow through it and not try to upset the apple cart too much in search of a "best"- because maybe the "best" is to reach age 16 or so and grow past this ackward stage?

[SparklyUnicorn]

suckiest years of my school career

 

 

[kiana]

At that age? I had an awesome positive experience in summer programs for the gifted at Purdue University. Amazing. 

[Heathermomster]

I loved 6-9th grades.  I was in the class tracked for honors and AP, and it was lovely.  They are my fondest school years.

[kewb]

My school years were far from the best of my life.  I was painfully shy and a bully target.  I loved school-the academics.  I had a few friends.  I can't say any of us were the best kind of friends.  We were pretty mean to one another a lot of the time.  I had difficulty connecting with my peers.  College, otoh, some of the best years of my life.

[luuknam]

suckiest years of my school career

 

This. And the others weren't great either.

[Guest]

I think jr high age just sucks in general no matter where you are. I went to private school until high school. I remember hating 6-8th grade. I wasn't bullied or unpopular or anything. But the boys were obnoxious twits, and the girls seemed trapped between being immature or total rebels. It was like spinning hell of identity crisis, which I guess those ages are everywhere. It was stressful and just....ick. Ick on the inside about liking myself and figuring ME and boys and life out, and ick on the outside being so sick of the same people year after year. Some was probably what all kids that age go through and some was probably exacerbated by the problems unique to private schools..... I was THRILLED to get to public high school with a couple of thousand new people. So for me, things immediately improved in 9th grade at age 13/14. I think it's definitely an awkward stage.

[Spryte]

Miserable here. Things improved when I hit high school. Those years, though [shudder].

 

Eldest DS had a terrible time in middle school, too. He went to PS, and cried many mornings. :(

 

DS in Middle school now is homeschooled, and has a different personality. He seems fairly happy.

[theelfqueen]

I will never forget the horror of cleaning spit wads out of my hair. Never.

Middle school was mostly awful for me.

But my Oldest DS would tell you that Middle School was good for him between wrestling and scouts he made friends that he's still close to now. Probably less so for school itself but he enjoyed his band experiences.

 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[catz]

Absolutely the worst of my schooling years were grades 6-8.  I was also a GT kid but in a private Catholic school setting.  I have told my kids they can go to high school if they want, but if they hit 6th still homeschooling, we were in it through 8th.  I hear horrible stories coming out of all our local middles schools.  Including the GT magnets. 

 

Heck - we go to a tween/teen co-op once a week and that's not problem free.  It does give my kids an opportunity to have some peer interactions and but also to deal with some cruddy stuff too. 

 

I will say meeting social needs for my kids is a ton of work.  I don't think I would do it if we weren't urban in an area chock full of opportunities. 

[goldberry]

Hideous. That is all.

[TravelingChris]

Not good.  SOme parts were good and I did have friends and some good classes but there was so much bullying going on.

[wapiti]

My 8th graders have had a rough go socially and it probably didn't help that I changed their school in the middle of 7th.  Organizationally, one of them was always super organized while the other has issues - issue boy seems to have had his organizational problems fixed by the treatment we are doing for his other issues, a surprise benefit.  At this point, I'm willing to let both of them look at the private high school as their grades are nearly all As.

 

My dd15 made great friends in her private middle school and she's still friends with them all now, even though some of them are at a different high school (coincidentally, they were all in math club together in 6th grade, they're all very smart, and each of her friends comes from a family culture where education is valued). She consciously stayed away from "drama."  Dd had plenty of developmental rough spots independent of the social stuff, though she'd have had them no matter what her school situation was.

[Upward Journey]

suckiest years of my school career

 

 

I loved 6-9th grades.  I was in the class tracked for honors and AP, and it was lovely.  They are my fondest school years.

 

This and this 

 

I was in the gifted program and my academic classes were wonderful: same gifted/geeky kids all 3 years, lovely teachers, fun and challenging academics. I absolutely loved them. But it didn't make up for all the non-academic classes that I had with the general school population  :thumbdown: , lunch and the halls in-between class. That part of junior high kind of made my life miserable.

 

I wish my gifted classes had been completely self-contained.  I swore I would never put my kids in a b&m middle school.  It's just too brutal.

Edited October 3, 2016 by Upward Journey

[Lecka]

Not great for me, but I have a niece who is in 11th grade now and she thrived in middle school.  My younger niece is in 7th grade now , and 6th grade (middle school where they live) went very well for her.

 

My younger niece is not really outgoing or anything, but has a nice group of friends.  My older niece is very outgoing and socially savvy. 

 

Fingers crossed for my kids.....

Edited October 3, 2016 by Lecka

[Arcadia]

I knew three schoolmates who were depressed. One had helped from family and counseling and is now a happy working mom with two teenagers. Two have depression already before 7th grade caused mainly by controlling mothers.

 

I had a good experience from preK to 12th public school socially. However I was a free range latchkey city child with cash on me to buy lunch at school or at cafes/food courts and pay for public transport. The school bus don't go to my childhood home so taking the public busses with >70 schoolmates is the norm. There were 1760 students in the 7th-10th grade school. I had guys asking me on canoeing group dates and bookshop dates :lol: , was active in many extracurricular activities and took 11 subjects in school. So life was fun and I lean extrovert so chatting with strangers from another school while on duty at regional science fairs won't an issue. No bullying problems in school or on the streets even in gang neighborhoods.

 

My hubby is a free range latchkey city kid as well. He has friends from school days but he does not look for them. He doesn't need close friends and he is more of a social introvert. He also went to big public schools all the way.

 

My kids are your daughter's age and they aren't bothered by lack of friends. My DS11 has never cared, my DS10 stop caring two years ago and is okay with casual friends.

[crazyforlatin]

Do any of the unhappy middle school years have to deal with personality? I had a difficult time until 8th grade where I found a few kids who were grounded and kind. But I was an introvert, and I switched to this school without knowing anyone, and I wasn't the type to joke, make witty remarks or have a magnetic personality. Dd is pretty much opposite of me and has a different outlook towards everything. She might actually enjoy middle school.

 

I was overall unhappy while at school until college and graduate school.

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 5, 2016 by 1' n'ye

[Mabelen]

I don't have a lot of particular memories from my middle school years. I went to an all girl private catholic school in Spain all the way pre-k to 12 in a working class suburb of a big city. I was with the same girls pretty much from pre-k to 8th, about 100 per grade. I was not part of the popular crowd but I wasn't bullied either. It sticks in my mind it as a very uninspiring time mostly, with some not so good teachers in a very rigid environment. There was quite a bit of camaraderie among the students because we are all at the mercy of the nuns and other lay teachers.

 

My oldest was at a small private school from 1st to 7th grade. Good teachers for the most part and a warm environment but too small for finding a peer group for my shy gifted girl. When we relocated, she went to public middle school and her social life improved tremendously. Academically she had to put up with the worst language arts and social studies teacher of her entire school years.

 

My youngest is in 7th grade in the same public middle school her sister did 8th grade. Socially it's fine for the most part but not drama free. Academically, last year she had 1 really bad teacher out of 6, same as this year, different subject. Otherwise she is enjoying most of her classes. She does complain but this is my either woe is me or life is rainbows and unicorns child.

[MysteryJen]

Horrible. Boring (only advanced classes were in math), kids were mean. My mom went back to work full-time and I had to be home right away to watch my little sister. So I couldn't do any clubs or fun things after school. And my mom was ridiculously strict. No makeup, no hanging out, no mall unless there was a parent. It made my social life so, so much harder. My closest friends were boys and we ate lunch in the G&T classroom, but I couldn't hang out Friday nights with them. 

 

Nothing got much better until senior year of high school. My middle school experience was the reason I was able to keep plodding through those years homeschooling.

 

It is just a rough time in general, for both boys and girls. Also, I think, for parents. My mom was a very poor parent to teens and young adults. Too strict, too much fighting, just not being able to breathe at home made though years really hard for me and my siblings. Sometimes it is just hard to grow up and find your place in the world.

[MEmama]

They were terrible for me. All misery and loneliness sprinkled with suicidal thoughts.

 

I think DS would have done really well though. I struggle with a lot of guilt and self doubt over keeping him at home (it was his choice, FWIW). There are certain aspects he wouldn't enjoy, but he doesn't struggle with the social anxiety and lack of confidence I did as kid, and that made me such a target. He is very well liked by his peers and not interested or fussed by social drama. And honestly, the school here doesn't seem to have the same issues with bullying that my school(s) did; the kids we know are really terrific and kind. Quirks don't seem to equal shame the way it was I was growing up.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Loved it.

[Carol in Cal.]

I remember it as feeling like I had finally arrived.

The 7th/8th grade was the highest one at our school, so it was like being a senior to be in that class.  (Our school had grades 1-8.)

 

But I also remember a lot of societal angst.  Maybe it was because this was the late 60's, but for whatever reason I became very concerned about persistent racism, the pollution of nature, and the likelihood of WW3 any minute during those years.  That was also when we studied the constitution in detail, and I embraced the Bill of Rights with great passion.  It was a dramatic time for me.  And I don't know how much of that was the age and how much was the times and how much was my personality.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I was openly bullied at times during middle school, so definitely miserable for me. I was in the honors program and all, but I didn't get to spend ALL day with like-minded others. There was still PE, the school bus, etc. I though high school was amazing compared to middle school, but it wasn't until I got to college that I felt really happy. 

[Tap]

6th grade rurual Gillete,Wyoming school that was more like 4th grade level

7th grade Oklahoma City big city public school

8th grade Oklahoma City and Tiny school in Lago Vista, Texas

9th grade Tiny school in Lago Vista Texas (rich kids.  K-12=100 students in one building)

 

 

So between ranch kids, inner city kids and rich kids, it honestly was all about the same. Some nice, some were brats, some were mean.  They were all trying to figure out who they were going to be with the grace of and unsupervised pre-teen. 

 

I did not fit in in Wyoming at all. I was gifted, they were behind. It was a joke. I was bored. (School was going to skip me over 7th/8th if we stayed and put me directly into high school at 11yo.  We moved instead.

 

I was bullied in Oklahoma but just ignored it.I joined in with the partiers, because they pretty much accept anyone into the circle. You don't have to be pretty, smart, athletic or meet anyone's arbitrary standards except know how to keep secrets. Before my 9th grade year started, I was already getting drunk and having relations.

 

My middle school experience was pretty much like people's first years in college.  My parents were oblivious and still have no idea of what I was doing.  They were a little too hands off and wayyyy to trusting. LOL

 

 

 

My 17yo daughter had a great middle school experience. She went to 3 schools also but I was there, paying attention, and definitely believed in the mantra "trust but verify". LOL  She was in the 'in-crowd'. Was an athlete and a cheerleader.  She is gifted and had classes to meet that.  She just went to homecoming this weekend with a boy she went to school with in 5th grade.  They are still buddies all these years later even though they are in different schools now.

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

I wouldn't repeat those years for a million dollars.

[Garga]

This would be a good thread for a poll.

 

Up to 4th grade wasn't bad, and then I moved into an area where I was a hated minority and I lost all my confidence and it went downhill from there. So, the middle school years were the worst, followed by high school.

[Guest]

Mine was pretty terrible. High school was better in some ways and worse in others.

[shawthorne44]

Academically, I went from a wasteland of elementary school where I literally learned nothing at school for 3 years.   To a fresh start at a new school, (not just new to me.  But new new).   So, that was a positive.  

 

Socially, I wasn't bullied or anything BAD.   But, I only had one really good friend, the boy two houses down whom I would have likely been friends with anyway.  I have a hard time remembering anyone else for those years.  He only lived in the area for two years.  But, I don't remember anyone at all really socially thriving.  Even the popular kids were extremely insecure on their perch.  

 

Like many other people, I didn't really thrive socially until college.  

Edited October 3, 2016 by shawthorne44

[JustEm]

School was miserable for me from 6th grade through 8th. in school it just seemed like all the girls were competing over things I didn't care about so I hung out with the boys. Well that didn't go over well because then they specifically thought I was competing for thw boys attention, when in reality I just wanted nothing to do with their pettiness. Outside of school the years were good. I mainly attribute that to my awesome family and having friends that did not go to the same school as me. Since we went to different schools there was no competition amongst us most of the time. And when there was i either called them out for being pretty because I knew I never had to see them again if they kept it up. So they either cut the shit or I moved on with my life.

[edelweiss]

I loved my junior high (7th through 9th grades) years.  I do remember some mean girl stuff and there was definitely some drama, but overall it was great.  I do realize that most people don't have good junior high/middle school experiences though.  

 

Overall, I liked junior high much better than high school.  High school was just okay.  By the early part of my junior year, I was SO ready to graduate.

[6packofun]

I didn't like school in grades 7+.  I was in honors classes and school still sucked. I know that my parents' divorce in 6th grade had lasting repercussions in my middle school years, though.  I remember borrowing change or looking for change in our house or anywhere we went to get enough money to have a Nutty Bar for lunch.  That kind of stuff was not fun in a rich neighborhood.  (I got on the free lunch program so don't feel too bad for me.  LOL)  It seemed like guy-girl relationships were SO important to everyone and I remember thinking, "Aren't we too young for this stuff??"  :P  Peer pressure was pretty intense.  Lots of shaming, ridiculing, etc. for all sorts of stupid reasons.

 

In general, my love of learning went downhill every year of high school for a wide variety of reasons.  It still makes me sad to think about it.

[SweetandSimple]

I thought this article was interesting, and it seems as though K-8 schools really might provide a better middle school experience than traditional middle schools:

 

http://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2016/09/19/494232646/sixth-grade-is-tough-it-helps-to-be-top-dog

 

I'm hoping that is the case, as my 4th grader is thriving in her K-8 Montessori charter. I hope that trend will continue all the way through the 8th grade!

[SKL]

I think it's a hard time for most kids.  It was pretty horrible for me, not that any other school years were much better!  :P

 

Most of the cases of severe bullying I've heard of (and experienced) have occurred around age 13 / 8th grade.

 

I think that with the hormones making everyone crazy, the best we can hope for is to get through it and come out believing it will get better, someday.  :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I started drinking at age 11.  There was a reason for that. 

[regentrude]

I was very lucky.

I had good friends, and had friends who had the same strange interests as I did (at age 10, my best friend and I learned French together, wrote and staged plays, practiced opera arias - not the typical fare for the age group.)

I am partly crediting the fact that I attended a magnet school that selected the top performing students after grade 2; I am pretty certain that this increased the percentage of gifted students in our school and made it easier for me to find intellectual peers. Staying together as a class from grade 3 through 10 was also beneficial for forming strong friendships.

Edited October 3, 2016 by regentrude

[Bluegoat]

Yeah, my school experience in those years wasn't that great.

 

I was actually in the gifted program from grade 6 to 9, so I had a fair bit of continuity in classmates during those years, and arguably they were kids who were fairly likely to share some interests.  And in some ways that was true, I hung out a lot with the kids, particularly the other girls, in that class.  And in some ways I was close to a few of them.  We used to have sleep-overs, take the bus downtown, and I got to know the families of the ones I spent the most time with.  We could talk about things that were really substantial and interesting, like politics or art.

 

However - in other ways I remember it as being very lonely.  They were largely nice girls but it could be very catty at times too, there was a lot of angst over things like body image and boys.  Social embarrassment was often in the forefront of my mind, and the other girls too I think.  And because we were in school it could be difficult to get away from it or have perspective.

 

When I was in grade 10 I chose to go to an out of area high school to be with my two closer friends.  The school was a good choice for other practical reasons, but during that year I pretty much split with those friends.  It wasn't that we became unfriendly but they became interested in partying with drugs and booze, and I just wasn't into that.  It was very upsetting, I spent probably the second half of that year being on my own, and I never really found a clique that I felt I fit into again.  Once I got to grade 11 I had a good friend who I knew from playing role playing games who was a grade behind me come to the school, so that was better, but I still never really felt that I quite met my tribe.  I flitted between a few groups but didn't totally fit into any.

 

So - yes, I would say my experience is that not having a place to fit is really common during those years.  There were some kids who were very engaged in a particular social group, but I think a lt weren't.  Looking back, I don't know that the engaged ones have been better off in the long term.

[ScoutTN]

terrible in every way

[happypamama]

Nope.

 

There were maybe a couple of good things about middle school -- Odyssey of the Mind in 6th and 7th, getting into a special academic program in 8th, going to the regional spelling be in 7th, and technically meeting my husband in 6th (although briefly, and I didn't really get to know him by more than a name for until I started 9th grade) -- but largely, it was pretty miserable. Largely boring and uninspiring classes, lonely, too many social issues. Middle school girls are not nice people, mostly.

 

High school was better. Kids were st least mature enough to leave others alone, and I had a couple of good enough friends (plus the boyfriend for the first two years). I was in some great EC activities, did some volunteer stuff that was personally fulfilling (my first forays into teaching and getting a taste of the joy of seeing the lightbulb come on!), and had a handful of really inspiring teachers. Wouldn't want to repeat it, and I don't miss my classmates or attend reunions, but it wasn't horrible.

 

My kids are having much better middle school years. My 6th grader in particular is very happy and inspired with his class work, has friends, has fulfilling activities. I'm glad for that.

[Lori D.]

My public school grades 6-8 experiences were horrible. The 6th grade was at the elementary school and 2 girls made it their mission in life to make everyone else in the class miserable -- along with about 4 other students, for reasons unknown to me, we got singled out for esp. vindictive treatment. I think of the Lynda Barry quotation as being extremely apt: "The cruelest force in the universe: a roving band of 12-year-old girls."

 

7th and 8th grade were at a separate junior high school. The bad stuff was happening from both genders, not just girls -- social ostracizing, bullying. We also had forced bussing that ended up created gangs rather than inviting integration. The end result for me was a lot of anxiety about going to school, and very little learning. The only thing that "saved" me was that I was that I hung out with a group of about 8-10 kids who all went from elementary to middle school together, and like a school of fish, we stuck close for protection from those doing the bullying and ostracizing.

 

High school was such a relief. For the most part, everyone seemed to leave those nasty antics behind and grow up a bit. I was super fortunate to befriend about half a dozen girls in high school and we all stayed pretty close up into our 30s, when marriage and kids started to take us all in new directions.

 

In contrast, our DSs' homeschool middle/high school years were fantastic -- we were very fortunate to be a part of a large homeschool group and they were part of the student council, went to activities and field trips. Between that and the church youth group, they made friends and had a great time socially, and we got to explore a lot of very interesting things school-wise, both just in our homeschool, but also with some outside opportunities. DSs now in their 20s still hang out from time to time with some of those same friends, as their busy lives allow.

 

The homeschool group girls in the middle and high school grades also seem to have formed a lot of good friendships. There is a real emphasis on serving others, community service, and doing special "girl only" extra activities (crafting, with the end goal of blessing someone with the crafts), etc.

 

However, it's not perfect. Like any group, our homeschool group about every year has had to deal with incidents of kids being mean or ostracizing others, which sometimes goes on for a number of weeks before it gets caught and dealt with.

 

The one thing I have always felt sad about is that the group requires signing a statement of faith for inclusion. That really seems to go against Christian faith right off the bat. Plus, it's hard enough as it is to homeschool; I feel we should be supporting one another as much as possible, regardless of faith. Just me, though.

Edited October 3, 2016 by Lori D.

[Laura Corin]

Fine.  No particular bad memories.

[Katy]

I had an awesome time at one middle school.  It was hard, and emotional, but I was popular and had a lot of friends.

 

Then my mom got remarried and I went to a different school. The traits that make you popular at a big school are also the traits that make it difficult for several years at a small school, so then I was miserable.

 

I didn't figure out until high school that the popular girls (at that school at least) didn't have real friends.  Everyone was vaguely frenemies, and everyone was afraid of each other.  The nerdy girls had true friendships.  I wish, in retrospect, that when I changed schools I would have just reached out to the girls that seemed cool to me but who weren't popular and started a competing clique. From that time, I'd count maybe 5 girls as friends today, but even among them, we are not particularly close.  I didn't ask any of them to be in my wedding or anything.

Edited October 3, 2016 by Katy

[Seasider]

The Worst

[MASHomeschooler]

Middle school/junior high was the worst. It seemed like everyone was so mean and competitive. In reality I guess everyone was just dealing with their own things, trying to feel better about themselves and their changing bodies and lives, while also having a greater awareness of peers. But it was so miserable. I've never met anyone in real life who remembers it positively.

[MinivanMom]

I had a hard time during the junior high years due to some serious family problems. 

 

School, on the other hand, was wonderful. It was my safe, supportive place. I was fortunate, though, to be part of a self-enclosed gifted program at my junior high. Most of us had been together since the program started in 2nd grade, and we didn't mix with the general population of the school. I was shy, but I had several close friends and very supportive teachers, including one who supported me in testing for and then attending CTY summer camp. That was a very positive, life-changing experience.

 

I never witnessed or experienced any of the bullying or challenges that I hear other people describe. 

[Anne in CA]

I don't know if there is any amount of money that would tempt me to relive those years of my life. I do think that they are just hard years for everyone as you give up many comforts of childhood and they are not replaced with any privileges of adulthood. I often felt like there was just no "winning". My parents were too self absorbed to be helpful, than goodness I had a really wonderful 8th grade teacher, but my 6th and 7th grade teachers were the worst sort of people and they couldn't stand girls to learn anything, they encouraged the worst sort of classroom behavior. Both of them were big fans of patriarchy. Given their religious views they shouldn't have been teaching at all. 

[Annie G]

Awful.  Open bullying from another girl- it was more than words at times.  I'm pretty sure I never told anyone at school though I did tell my parents. 

 

I was socially unprepared to go from elementary to junior high and I have no idea how everyone else got the info I didn't have- fashion, makeup, boys, knowing how to dance, etc. I just floundered.  Like, in 6th grade were were all just friends and it felt like we were all on the same page. But then in 7th grade everyone else was on a different planet....and I was back on planet 6th grade. 

 

Academics were fine- I wasn't super bored but not super challenged either. 

 

What I really remember is that my parents subscribed to Yankee magazine and in the back there was an ad for The Calvert School. I BEGGED my mom to let me homeschool using Calvert. That was 1973.   School must have been awful for me to want to opt out. 

 

High school was much better. 

[Guest]

..

Edited October 4, 2016 by Heigh Ho

[Sneezyone]

Academically they were great years. The gifted programming my district offered was great. Socially, which had zero to do with the school, it sucked. I wasn't super social or attractive and had only a small group of close friends. My daughter, on the other hand, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES middle school. She is cute, spunky, extremely outgoing and very social. She is getting straight As and having a blast.

[Melissa B]

7th and 8th were my favorite years, not counting kindergarten and preschool.