Giving a wedding gift to your child

[Ginevra]

I really have no idea what to do about this when dd gets married in September. In the first place, as many parents, we’re spending a lot of money on the wedding itself. My own parents gave me a terrible gift and I remember bawling my eyes out over it. (They also did not pay for any of the wedding.) I don’t want to hand them money because that seems strange after paying for the wedding. I considered making something meaningful by hand, but then that can create feeling of obligation to cherish this thingy forever. 
 

what do you think? 

[Not_a_Number]

I think making something meaningful is nice, actually 🙂 . Or contribute something personalized to the wedding itself?

[bibiche]

Now you have to tell us what your parents gave you. 😜

I really can’t think of anything. Among people I know the gift was a house or down payment for a house. Definitely not sentimental, but very helpful. If you’re throwing a huge wedding that’s probably the down payment there. 

[Bambam]

I think your wedding present is the amount you are spending on the wedding.
A nice card wishing them a happy marriage would be a nice memento - as will the wedding memories, pictures, and any video.
I could see making a nice photo album of the wedding photos might be nice if neither of them are the type to want to do that themselves. I wish now I had added names to ours. I didn't think I would forget anyone's name, but 30+ years later, it does happen. 

[VickiMNE]

We gave our DD & SIL personalized champagne toasting glasses which went very well with their Champagne Brunch reception. 🙂

 

Edited April 26, 2021 by VickiMNE

[JustEm]

I would honestly just go the money route. But I know I'd prefer that over most other gifts so I just stick to it for almost all occasions

[Soror]

I don't remember my parents getting us anything. They helped us with the wedding and getting started out. They put so much time and energy into all of that. I didn't expect any othet gift.

Edited April 26, 2021 by Soror

[WildflowerMom]

Is there something they really need?  
 

My in-laws got us a washer and dryer (and boy, was that the best gift!!).  

My parents gave us money for our non-existent savings acct and paid for our small honeymoon.  

My own plan was to give a washer and dryer but ds moved out and we got him one then.  

[BlsdMama]

15 minutes ago, Quill said:

I really have no idea what to do about this when dd gets married in September. In the first place, as many parents, we’re spending a lot of money on the wedding itself. My own parents gave me a terrible gift and I remember bawling my eyes out over it. (They also did not pay for any of the wedding.) I don’t want to hand them money because that seems strange after paying for the wedding. I considered making something meaningful by hand, but then that can create feeling of obligation to cherish this thingy forever. 
 

what do you think? 

DD asked me if parents get a wedding gift and I said yes, the wedding. 😉
My parents paid for our wedding, they did not give a gift.  My in laws did not pay for the wedding and generously gave us an inexpensive washer/dryer set.

[medawyn]

My parents gave me the wedding.  I actually gave them gifts as a thank you/commemoration.

[City Mouse]

I had to think for a bit, but I finally remembered. In addition to paying for part of the wedding, my mom saved up her Betty Crocker points (anyone else remember those) and got us a full set of flatware that I am still using 30 yrs later. A few years ago I started looking to replace that set, but I discovered that anything in my price range felt cheap in comparison, so I ended up getting some needed replacement spoons from Replacements.

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, bibiche said:

Now you have to tell us what your parents gave you. 😜

I really can’t think of anything. Among people I know the gift was a house or down payment for a house. Definitely not sentimental, but very helpful. If you’re throwing a huge wedding that’s probably the down payment there. 

My parents - or more realistically, my mother - gave me a decorative mirror to hang on the wall. However, it had shattered into a bazillion pieces, so actually, my mom gave me a box full of colorful shards of glass. Since my mom always bought things second hand, she was not able to replace it or do anything about it. So she just “forgot” about it. 

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

My parents - or more realistically, my mother - gave me a decorative mirror to hang on the wall. However, it had shattered into a bazillion pieces, so actually, my mom gave me a box full of colorful shards of glass. Since my mom always bought things second hand, she was not able to replace it or do anything about it. So she just “forgot” about it. 

Oh, man. That IS a terrible gift. 

Well... you should at least feel confident you’ll do better than that!!

[Carol in Cal.]

Is there a family heirloom that would be a meaningful gift?  I think that would be absolutely ideal.

My grandmother gave me her ‘Swedish crystal’ (which was actually glass.). I loved it because it had so many (at the time) unusual pieces, like tiny cordials, and water goblets.  She had stopped using it for Big Family Gatherings but I still remembered it, so it was very special to me.

[Selkie]

We didn't get wedding gifts from either set of parents, but they both contributed to the cost of the wedding. I didn't expect anything beyond that.

Although now that I think about it, my dad gave me $200 and said to use it on a special dinner on our honeymoon - which we did. That was really nice.

[Faith-manor]

We did not give a big gift because we paid for the wedding. But I wanted to do something personal, so we passed down some glassware from dh's grandmother that our daughter had always loved. Son in law's family were non savers of anything so there are zero family heirlooms on his side. He really loved that we gave them the dishes. Dh also had four of his great grandfather's pocket watches which are well over 100 years old. So he gave one to our son in law as a personal gift. He adores it. The other three have been handed down to each our three sons so all four have a great grandpa heirloom which is kind of neat. But you have to first access these things ahead of time to know if it will be meaningful to the receiver.

Edited April 26, 2021 by Faith-manor

[happi duck]

30 minutes ago, Soror said:

I don't remember my parents getting us anything. They helped us with the wedding and getting started out. They put so much time and energy into all of that. I didn't expect any othet gift.

Same!

[HS Mom in NC]

We gave our daughters a sum of money for the wedding and/or whatever else they chose to do with it, which to me is enough of a gift, but  I also made wedding quilts for them after they had:
1. selected the pattern
2. selected the fabrics
No way would I make a wedding quilt (king sized) if the recipient hadn't chosen everything about it.

[Innisfree]

1 hour ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Is there a family heirloom that would be a meaningful gift?  I think that would be absolutely ideal.

This is what my parents did. They knew I would value old family items, though, and that isn't going to apply to everyone.

[Arctic Bunny]

My dad gave us kitchen knives and my mom and in-laws gave us some money for furniture.

[marbel]

My mother's wedding gift to me was the wedding cake. My husband and I were in our 30s when we married, and both had been married before, so our families were not involved in the finances of our wedding.  My in-laws's gift was a rehearsal dinner the night before, though we didn't have a rehearsal so it was just a pre-wedding dinner. 

I would expect to give my kids money one way or another, either by contributing to wedding expenses or, if there weren't any, money for after. 

This isn't a parent-child thing, but when the first of my niece/nephew group got married, I wrote a long letter to the new couple and gave them a favorite cookbook. Over the years (coming up on 20 now I think) they have occasionally referred to the letter as a cherished item that they reread periodically. But possibly getting marriage advice from an aunty is better than getting it from a parent, lol. 

[Spryte]

Listening in.  We have an upcoming wedding (very few details yet, so no clue what we will be contributing on that front).  My thought right now is giving a week at a resort and some spending money, but not sure if that’s appropriate? 

Edited April 26, 2021 by Spryte
Missing word

[pinball]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

I really have no idea what to do about this when dd gets married in September. In the first place, as many parents, we’re spending a lot of money on the wedding itself. My own parents gave me a terrible gift and I remember bawling my eyes out over it. (They also did not pay for any of the wedding.) I don’t want to hand them money because that seems strange after paying for the wedding. I considered making something meaningful by hand, but then that can create feeling of obligation to cherish this thingy forever. 
 

what do you think? 

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to keep a meaningful homemade wedding gift from one’s parent forever.

i think it’d be bizarre to get rid of it.

I know this will be an unpopular opinion. I am fully prepared to hear about all the homemade crap people got from their parents as wedding gifts that went straight into the dustbin.

[Starr]

I found this hard too. I'm now trying to come up with a first anniversary present instead. I should've said one of the many things I gave them was their wedding present. You know how it goes. One pays for large parts of the wedding, gets things for their house etc along the months before the wedding but nothing is designated wedding present. And after all that there isn't much money in the pocketbook. 

[catz]

My parents gave us a lump sum toward the wedding.  My mom got some small things off our registry for each of our showers.  That was it.  My in-laws did not contribute to the wedding at all, but did nicer gifts off our registry.  And I think about that every time I use them!   So I don't think you really NEED to do anything special if it's not calling out to you.  Your time helping is a huge gift too.  

My grandmother was a crafter (RIP).  She knit us an heirloom quality fisherman knit aran cable blanket in ecru.  It is still in our living room in regular use 20 years later.  That said, it won't last forever and when it needs to go, I'll sigh and let it go.  I thought that was great because it was personal and practical and neutral enough to work anywhere.  But it's not something that like I need to hang on the wall of every house forever either.   I've thought about doing something like this when my own kids got married as someone who is a fiber artist. 

I could also see putting together a digital album and having it printed if your dd doesn't have nice albums of her childhood.  Or of personal photos from wedding prep, etc after the fact.  Or passing on an heirloom of some kind your dd admired.  Or even an experience - like lunch and pedicures the week before the wedding.  

Edited April 26, 2021 by FuzzyCatz

[Scarlett]

I honestly do not think it is 'required' when you are paying for the wedding.  But something timeless like crystal wine glasses or a decanter......things like that are nice and useful but also can be cherished.

[gardenmom5]

I bought them a "first christmas together" ornament, 'cause ornaments are my thing.  Though I probably gave it to them the christmas after they married. Since they got engaged just before christmas, I gave them an "engaged" christmas ornament that year.    As I was buying 2dgs his first christmas ornament, I was embarrassed to find I hadn't actually bought one for 1dgs . . . oops.  so, I ordered one for him too.

For the "present", I gave dd something she'd really wanted. (a kitchen aid, so not super expensive, as I'd already spent time and lots of money on the wedding reception.)

[Arcadia]

Is costume jewelry something your daughter would like? I used to buy quite a few handmade rings and bracelets as a teen and young adult as I love rings and bracelets. 
 

I am wearing earrings and ring from my mom and jade pendant from my dad that was bought when I was a teen/young adult. I wore them from the day they were bought at different jewelry stores. 

[Lori D.]

My parents paid for the wedding (we had, by DH & my choice, a very low-cost wedding, even for those days).

My mom also put together a wedding quilt for us, with each of the 2 dozen or so squares done by an extended family member or close friend of mine. Each square is completely unique -- some are done in fabric paint, some are appliqué. None are traditional quilting pattern squares. I love that each person's square was done with an image or idea that recalled something special or silly or fun that either I or both hubby and I shared with that person. It's a true patchwork quilt of loving memories.

We went to a small wedding where, instead of a guest book, they had each family sign with permanent marker on a colored square of fabric. Those are going to be quilted together. We were able to write a very short blessing as well as our signatures on the square.

Edited April 26, 2021 by Lori D.

[Catwoman]

56 minutes ago, pinball said:

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to keep a meaningful homemade wedding gift from one’s parent forever.

i think it’d be bizarre to get rid of it.

I know this will be an unpopular opinion. I am fully prepared to hear about all the homemade crap people got from their parents as wedding gifts that went straight into the dustbin.

I agree. If my mom had made me a wedding gift, I would have kept it forever. (I still have things my mom and dad made, and my ds wants them someday, too. I also still have all of my mom’s jewelry. I know I could sell it, but I just can’t bear to do it!) 

I think, in the end, the answer depends mainly on what Quill thinks her dd would want. Some people love handmade things, while others love practical gifts, and others prefer cash. 

@Quill, can you just ask your dd what kind of gift she would like? You don’t have to get super specific, but if you want to be sure she will like your gift, the best way to find out what she wants is to ask her. Tell her the broken mirror story and let her know you don’t want to screw up like your own mom did!

 

Edited April 26, 2021 by Catwoman
Autocorrect changed my ds into a dd!

[Tap]

My paternal grandfather gave my grandmother a sting of pearls. They were from a time betwen the 1920s to 1950s. I was told they were a wedding gift from him to her, but I am not sure if that is accurate. (My father was born in '25). When I was born, my grandfather gave them to my mother to save for me. My mother gave them to me on my wedding day. I gave them to my daughter on her wedding day. 

 

Aside from that, I paid for her wedding and I bought/gave her a lot of her first house items. For both of my older kids, I had slowly started collecting items for thier first house when I found them on clearance in stores. Random things like pans, can opener, stirring spoons, etc. I gave the large box of items to her when they moved away after the wedding. (He is military, they were waiting to go to his first duty station)

Edited April 26, 2021 by Tap

[Annie G]

I made Dd a quilt (and I’m doing that for Dd who is getting married in the fall). We also paid to frame the vows Dd and dsil wrote-the handwritten copy they each carried during their wedding.  They’ve always had that hanging in their bedroom, and while it’s not really a gift from us, we did contribute. 

[Lori D.]

3 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Is there a family heirloom that would be a meaningful gift?  I think that would be absolutely ideal.

My grandmother gave me her ‘Swedish crystal’ (which was actually glass.). I loved it because it had so many (at the time) unusual pieces, like tiny cordials, and water goblets.  She had stopped using it for Big Family Gatherings but I still remembered it, so it was very special to me.

My grandmother gave me her big set of 1930/40s fiesta ware that I remember her using for the big family Christmas gatherings. I love and cherish those dishes to this day, and use them for special family gatherings. She couldn't believe I wanted her "old dishes" over $100 when she gave me the choice. 😉 She felt so bad about it that she went out and bought a stack of new dish towels to place between each piece when she boxed it up to gift me, so that at least I was getting "something new".  😂

Edited April 26, 2021 by Lori D.

[vonfirmath]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

I really have no idea what to do about this when dd gets married in September. In the first place, as many parents, we’re spending a lot of money on the wedding itself. My own parents gave me a terrible gift and I remember bawling my eyes out over it. (They also did not pay for any of the wedding.) I don’t want to hand them money because that seems strange after paying for the wedding. I considered making something meaningful by hand, but then that can create feeling of obligation to cherish this thingy forever. 
 

what do you think? 

My parents did not give me a gift for the wedding

 

They gave me a vacuum cleaner for my wedding shower.  (Which got lost in our move and I was sad about that. But it lasted 4-5 years before that)

 

I don't remember what or even if the in-laws gave us anything. My mother-in-law was actually at my shower (unlike my mom) so I suspect she gave me something then. But I don't remember what it was.

Edited April 26, 2021 by vonfirmath

[rebcoola]

My mother made me a wreath out of flowers from the wedding

[DoraBora]

Dd and her dh were both fresh out of college and starting mostly from scratch, so we finished out a bed linen set they had chosen.  We also gave them some spending money for their short honeymoon trip, and a sweet, sentimental card.

ETA:  We paid for their wedding and reception, and for wedding clothes.

Edited April 26, 2021 by DoraBora

[pinball]

I was at a 50th wedding anniversary party where the kids started fighting (again, it had happened in the planning and the lead-up to the party) about the fact that some kids felt the party was the gift for their parents’ anniversary, and other kids thought they needed a new refrigerator as an anniversary gift. 

The “buy the frig” group won in that the parents got the party and the frig. The leader of the “buy the frig” group lived with his parents so the “party is the gift” group kept throwing it in his face that he benefited from the new frig.

The “buy the frig” group kept making comments like, “Is your drink cold enough?” to the other group.

 

[itsheresomewhere]

We didn’t get a gift from my parents.  DH and I paid for most of the wedding ourselves and my parents bought my dress.  I think his parents gave some cash to contribute to the wedding but I really don’t remember it.  
 

This may sound bad I am happy my parents didn’t give us anything.  We were moving after the wedding and it would have been something to have to donate.  If you knew my mother’s taste lately, you would totally get this.  Same person one year who bought me for Christmas a set of tea cups with naked ladies doing some inappropriate things ( how she never looked at the images and saw it I will never know).  She thought the kids and I would enjoy using those for our daily tea time.  

Edited April 26, 2021 by itsheresomewhere

[Pam in CT]

3 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Is there a family heirloom that would be a meaningful gift?  I think that would be absolutely ideal.

My grandmother gave me her ‘Swedish crystal’ (which was actually glass.). I loved it because it had so many (at the time) unusual pieces, like tiny cordials, and water goblets.  She had stopped using it for Big Family Gatherings but I still remembered it, so it was very special to me.

This is what my parents did for us, and what I expect to do with our kids.

I know what my eldest longs for (though she expects it at my DEATH, not her marriage, LOL).  It'll be harder to work out what to give the other two, but I'm pretty sure I've got time. Hope they don't surprise me...

[alisoncooks]

My parents paid for our wedding, but they also helped set us up in our new house. They bought us a dining room table/chairs and a new mattress/bedding/linens.  My mom also made a lovely quilt with matching pillows.

If you haven't done this already, would your DD appreciate a nicely bound book of family recipes? I'm working on this for my DDs -- things they ate and liked through their childhoods. Foods they always request. 

Edited April 26, 2021 by alisoncooks

[Kassia]

My mom's gift to us was birth control pills.  I was young when we got married and she didn't want me to have babies right away.  

My in-laws gave us a television.

I don't know what we'll do when my kids get married.  Ds1 and his girlfriend have been living together for a long time and are very well off.  

[Storygirl]

1 hour ago, rebcoola said:

My mother made me a wreath out of flowers from the wedding

This is a nice idea. I had my bouquet dried and made into a shadow box, along with a copy of our wedding invitation. This was not a gift; I hired someone to do it for us. But when my sister got married, I took her bouquet and did the same thing for her (I actually like hers better than mine) as their wedding gift.

My parents got us a camera, which was nice, because we didn't have a decent one. That was before digital cameras, so eventually it was out of date, and we stopped using it, but it was still a nice gift.

Another idea -- nicer silverware is expensive. Not silver to use for special occasions, but just everyday silverware, but nicer, from the china section of a Macys (or wherever). Mine is a higher quality than what you get in a boxed set of Oneida or whatever from Kohls or another such store, and I still love it almost 25 years later. I have some less expensive dinnerware, as well, and it does not compare in quality.

[Carol in Cal.]

2 hours ago, Starr said:

I found this hard too. I'm now trying to come up with a first anniversary present instead. I should've said one of the many things I gave them was their wedding present. You know how it goes. One pays for large parts of the wedding, gets things for their house etc along the months before the wedding but nothing is designated wedding present. And after all that there isn't much money in the pocketbook. 

I imagine that there are things are their registry that they did not receive.  

I was delighted that my mom continued to hunt for odd pieces to fill out our sets, here and there, and gave them to us over the years.  But then, I like that kind of thing.

[*Jessica*]

My mom helped my aunt and grandmothers make my wedding dress and four bridesmaids dresses, which was an incredible and cherished gift in itself!  They also paid for the food and drinks for our wedding, easily the most expensive part.  I don’t think there was a physical gift for the actual wedding, but the pot and pan set they bought for my shower is still used daily.  

[lynn]

I think my mom got me a dish set I really liked and a piece of the cookware I wanted although she paid for almost all of my wedding.  I gave one son cash and let them choose what hey wanted it use it for along with paying for rehearsal dinner.   One we sent a few useful household items since he just got his first apartment and kind of eloped?!

[Guest]

I really like the cookbook idea. Dd loves to cook and has commented many times on my big binder of recipes. It would be fun to make her one.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Quill said:

I really like the cookbook idea. Dd loves to cook and has commented many times on my big binder of recipes. It would be fun to make her one.

I have been working on one with CreateMyCookbook.com  

 

[footballmom]

My dad gave each of his children a certain $ amount to go towards the wedding.  My mom paid for the photographer.  My in-laws gave us a really nice rehearsal dinner.  MIL asked DH what item he loved the most on the registry and that was my bridal shower gift.  It was really sweet and we used it for 16 years until it was disintegrating (bedding set).  
 

We have boys, but plan to contribute $ when they get married and would like to gift them something special too.  Are they taking a honeymoon? Or planning on buying a house? Those things would give you options for gifts - special dinner or day trip; big purchase like a grill or stand mixer. 

[Melissa in Australia]

My Dd is getting married in 5 weeks. 

We are paying mostly for the wedding, but we are doing most stuff ourselves like flowers, baking and dressmaking. We are estimating that the total cost of wedding will be around $1500.

I got Dd a set to scampian saucepans as an engagement present. 

We will get her a wedding present but are holding back on deciding as we wait to see what us most needed

My mum gave me a 7000gal water tank for a wedding present. The absolute best wedding present ever. 

 She gave my Dd a 5000gal water tank for her wedding present. So  we cannot get that for her. 

 

On her gift registry my Dd has things like shovel, wheelbarrow,  vaccum cleaner, etc. The most practical list ever. 

[Annie G]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

I really like the cookbook idea. Dd loves to cook and has commented many times on my big binder of recipes. It would be fun to make her one.

Our four kids have for years wondered which one will get my handwritten recipe book. So as they graduated from college or moved out on their own I have recreated mine for each of them. Those family recipes mean so much. It would make a great wedding gift. 
BTW they still want to know which one will get the book  I’ve used since I left home in 1980!