Sorry to do this, but I'm slipping into my annual pre-holiday funk.

[Jenny in Florida]

I'm scared it's going to be a bad one, and my husband -- whom I usually count on to pull me up -- is having his own struggles this year.

I know there will be a certain number of people who tell me to pull up my big girl panties and get over it. Things are tough all over. Count my blessings. Etc. And, respectfully, I'm going to ask those people to buzz off. Don't you think that, if it were that simple to make myself feel better, I would have done it by now?

I often have trouble with holidays. I have some baggage from my childhood -- nothing abusive or traumatic, but family dynamic stuff that leaves me uncomfortable with gifting on demand. I managed to marry a man for whom giving and receiving presents is a Very. Big. Deal. Who also happens to be really good at giving presents and who also loves to get them and has a lot of expectations around the whole thing. Over the years, resentment has built up on both sides around this issue, as you can imagine. 

It's not just the gift stuff. I have a lot of sadness about my own experience of family as a kid, things I was able to manage while I was focused on raising my own children that have come home to roost now that I'm almost empty nesting. (Lots of mashed up bird metaphors there. Don't worry, I suspect there will be more.)

Then there's the fact that my own kids have been estranged from each other for the last few years, which inevitably makes holidays more complicated and which rubs my nose in my own sadness about the whole situation. 

Today, I was looking up something online for work and ran across an ad for a "mother's jewelry"-type necklace and felt like I was going to cry. Silly as it is, I have always loved the idea of one of those necklaces or rings with my kids' birthstones and/or names on it. For a while I thought it felt like a weird thing to buy myself, and by the time I got over that, my kids were no longer speaking to each other. Now it would just make me sad to see them sharing space on a piece of jewelry when they can't be in the same room.

It's been a rough couple of years for me for other reasons, too. I've had a lot of stuff going on with my health -- everything from a broken arm to balance issues/severe vertigo to breast cancer to adverse drug reactions that resulted in tremors so bad I couldn't reliably type or talk properly, not necessarily in that order. Every single time I feel like I'm finding my feet, the next thing comes along and knocks them out from under me again, sometimes literally.

Then there's the fact that I still haven't either answered my own question or achieved any kind of acceptance about not having an answer to this whole thing:

The last several days, I find myself remembering some things that happened while I was recovering from the mastectomy last fall and feeling almost unbearably sad and angry all over again.  As a result of the pandemic/social distancing, I've lost access to almost all of my usual self-care and coping mechanisms. I'm trying to at least distract myself, but haven't had a lot of success.

Before anyone who hasn't been keeping score asks, yes, I have seen a psychiatrist and a couple of different counselors. I've been on medication (which we're pretty sure is what caused the tremors). No, I didn't find any of it especially helpful. The initial few consults with the psychiatrist and most recent counselor, right when I was at the point at which I couldn't seem to stop crying for days at a time were, at least in the sense that I felt like maybe I was taking the steps necessary to get better, but things levelled off quickly and when they couldn't fix me with platitudes or prescriptions, both the counselor and the psychiatrist seemed to lose interest. 

So here I am facing Christmas with all of this swirling around. I have days when I feel like I'd be just as happy to skip the whole thing, and other days when I'm nearly desperate to immerse myself in Christmas spirit. If it were just me, I might be okay just rolling with those feelings as they come, but my husband is also in a bad place right now, is busy barreling ahead with holiday plans (mostly around buying presents, of course) and absolutely doesn't want to hear about my stuff. He's been such a gem taking care of me over the last couple of years that I want to be there for him -- or at least not make life more difficult than necessary -- but I can't seem to find the "spoons" to live up to that goal. Most days, the best I can do is fake some reasonable level of cheerfulness, make sure he eats something resembling real food and not burden him with any of my actual feelings.

But that just means the feelings are flapping madly around in my brain looking for a way out.

I have a couple of friends whom I might normally lean on, but we've drifted apart during the pandemic lock-downs and especially once the worst of the depression hit me over the summer and I was just not capable of keeping up with social niceties. 

I don't know why I'm even typing this here. Obviously, you all are not going to be able to solve my issues. 

Maybe I can perform a public service, having vomited up my own failures and sadness, by inviting anyone else who would like to vent to do so in a safe space?

And then we can all share some virtual hugs?

[Carol in Cal.]

Hugs to you, Jenny.  I wish there was more I could do.

[happi duck]

Many, many (hugs)

[aaplank]

I am sorry you are going through such a rough time.  Sounds like you are pretty lonely, and that's such a difficult cross to bear.  I'm lifting up prayers of hope, peace, healing and comfort on your behalf tonight.  

[Junie]

Hugs and prayers, Jenny.  I wish there was something more I could do.

[Ausmumof3]

Hugs.  I am sorry things are feeling so tough right now.  Christmas is always a weird time of year for us where I sometimes fall in a bit of a hole.  We don’t celebrate traditionally and sometimes it feels like we spend the last couple of months looking forward to the break and the wind down and then when we get there it’s nothing.  
 

I’d try not to pressure yourself too much about supporting your dh.  Getting through each day might be enough for now.

[TravelingChris]

Hey Jenny,  I totally understand and wish things were better for you.  I also understand how bad you feel that your children aren't close and don't even like each other right now. The grieving process of all your health issues is something else I totally understand. 

I wish I was closer to you and could help you.  HUgs.

[freesia]

I also want to give you a hug. 

[MEmama]

Sending virtual ((hugs)) and keeping you in my thoughts. Wishing I had anything else I could offer. 

[regentrude]

Hugs, Jenny. Holidays are complicated, and more so with all your extra stuff and the pandemic. I totally get the pull between wanting to skip wanting to immerse. Happy to talk if you need.

[ScoutTN]

Hugs and prayers. Christmas can be rough! 

 

 

[PrincessMommy]

Jenny, Im so sorry it's rough right now.

Have you considered a virtual appt. with a therapist.  Maybe having a chance to talk it all out with someone other than your husband would help you a bit.

I remember another thread talking about a good source for online therapy but I don't remember which one. Perhaps someone will chime in with a recommendation, if you're interested.

Another idea: when I was going through a particiularly difficult time and couldn't get out of my own head a friend suggested writing therapy.  There has been research that shows that just writing about trauma has healing abilities.  It's just writing it once, but writing it several times helps with the healing process.  Maybe getting some of these experiences down (like you did here) would benefit you. 

In any event, hugs.. I'm sorry.  I wish we could all be together over a cup of coffee.  

 

[cintinative]

Praying for you Jenny.  It sounds like you are feeling very alone and discouraged by what you are facing. 

Also sending you virtual hugs.

Are you part of a faith community at all?  

Christmas time is also very hard for me for some of the reasons you mentioned. And right now my family is also isolated from our friends due to the pandemic.  I do have a counselor (faith-based) and she has really helped me in these difficult seasons.  Journaling and prayer also help me.

Are you able to get any exercise right now? I wish I could say that fixes it for me (it doesn't) but it does help reduce the size of the troughs of the waves, so to speak. 

Praying for you. 

[fairfarmhand]

I’m so sorry. My family is having a rough time too.

[Soror]

(hugs)

[almondbutterandjelly]

(hugs)

[Scarlett]

So sorry @Jenny in Florida.    Sometimes there is just no good answer.  I struggle with this too when people try to tell me a situation will improve.  I am like, 'how do you know that?  You don't.'  Sometimes I feel a little better when I think about how suddenly situations can change for good and bad that no one would have ever dreamed.  

[Hyacinth]

You write about your thoughts and feelings very well! I hope there's some comfort in knowing people are reading them, nodding along, sending virtual hugs, and praying for you. 

[Ailaena]

I didn’t know your kids were still not taking, I’m sorry.  seems to make everything harder for some reason.  I also feel bad that you had a poor therapy experience.  Worst thing about therapy is finding somebody you feel actually wants to help you. In fact, that act of finding somebody is so difficult, it’s why most people just give up 😞

  I have nothing for you other than hugs and I’m glad you at least have a chance to vent ❤️

 

[Bambam]

That does sound like a tough and unpleasant situation. 
A couple of things I'd suggest that help me and might be of use to you:
1. Write everything down in a journal/notebook. Talking to someone is better, but sometimes it's hard to find someone who will actually listen - or will listen when you want to talk. 
2. Exercise. I know it's hard, but I've started a silent competition-type thing with my sister (silent because she tells me what she has done is each day (steps, time on stationary bike), which encourages me to do something. I've found walking outdoors - even for 10 minutes without headphones - is helpful as I concentrate on walking, stepping on the leaves that are on the driveway, noticing how the grass/moss/weeds/flowers have grown, etc. I know exercise is good for me, so even a little bit makes me feel better about me and the fact I am doing something for me that will have lasting benefits. I live in Texas though, so mostly our weather is cooperative here, but there are still some days where it is cold and pouring rain, so I have to walk around the house. The exercise benefit is still there, but the outside air/sun/wind/plants/observing adds an additional benefit for me that I miss on those days. 

[PeterPan]

I can offer a little side note on the siblings liking/not talking thing. My brother and I are like that, and I think both of us are considered pretty nice people. I mean, it's true he had some issues (went to jail, etc.), but really he has terrific social skills, is jolly, is well liked. And I'm a little odd, but I'm a nice person. Nuts, he even got religion, turned his life around, reads his Bible, and we STILL don't get on! He puts it to my mother that he loves me but can't stand being around me, lol.

And you know, it's ok. I think it's part of being the mother of adults, that you let them do their thing and work it out. I think you should buy yourself that mother thing if you want it. I always hated when my MIL would do that, because she was giving them to my SILs who had MORE kids, like they were MORE mothers. But if it speaks to you, do it! You're all the way mother and should celebrate that. And I don't think your kids getting on or not really has anything to do with you. It's just them and their issues. 

And yes, I think half of america is stressed or in a funk right now. Nothing we do for the holidays is the same, we've been in our houses too much, and well we're just generally unfestive at what we always dream of being the MOST festive time and don't seem to be able to change it! Thanksgiving was a little weird, and I'm worried Christmas will lose its momentum entirely. So if you can't fix it, at least you're not alone. It's not forever. We had a blizzard one year that shut down Christmas. The next year was back to normal, lol. I think we'll make it. We just have to protect our mental health. If buying the bracelet is mental health, do it.

I like your explanation of the half and half. Maybe just accept it where it is? That's the great thing about stupid cheesy Christmas movies. You can turn it on and off as desired. Me, I'm losing myself in cleaning, which is distinctly unfestive. 

Bonus thought: Is there any possibility your dh is on the spectrum and that's why he's not tuned in to your feelings? Even that you're saying you have to make sure he eats is so spectrumy and having the kids conflicting for no apparent reason. Just tossing it out there.

[mommyoffive]

Jenny, I am so sorry.  You have been through so much.  I am so glad that you posted though.  Lean on us.  Vent to us.  Talk to us.    I get what you are feeling about not having people to talk to anymore because of the pandemic.  I have drifted away from all my friends .  I didn't have real friends anyhow, just parents at the activities my kids were in.  So I don't have anyone to talk to, vent to, and get support from.  Right now it is so hard.  So I am glad that you are getting some of that friend support on here.  We want to hear from you.  We want to support you.  Don't be sorry.  

I think the family issue is hard too.  I think everyone feels like everyone else has these perfect families and you are the only one that doesn't.  But it isn't true.  But when you see those perfect photos on holiday cards or families getting their trees, it makes you feel like there are all the perfect families while you are dealing with the drama in yours.  I can tell you my family is not perfect.  I have a lot of extended family drama.  My brother doesn't talk to me, after he said some really horrible things to me.  My father has only spent 30 mins on me in my entire life.  And my mom doesn't talk to me, but does to my dh and kids.  For what reason, I don't know. If I think about it, it just tears me up.  So my best way of dealing with it, is just to not think about it.  It is what is.   You can't change people or make them be what you want or dream them to be.  My brother and I having no relationship, I don't blame that on my mom.  

I just want to come over and give you a hug, share a cup of tea, and talk for hours.  This year has been so hard.  So hard.  I think even if you haven't been working in the hospitals, gone through covid, or lost someone, it has put us through a lot.  It has really been hard emotionally for me. I am not in a good place.   I hope that over time I can get better.  

Can you get out in nature?  A walk?  Just sitting in the sun?  Can you get a virtual therapist appointment?  Do things you enjoy everyday.  A cup of tea.  Reading a book.  Watching a show.  Talk to us.   

Edited December 10, 2020 by mommyoffive

[Acadie]

Jenny, all of those things individually sound very challenging and layered together with a pandemic it's a lot. 

Do you have a happy light? After the seasonal affective disorder thread I've started getting up and starting the day with 30 minutes journaling or planning the day in front of my Happy Light. I feel drawn to the light and it actually makes me want to get up in the morning. @Seasider too gave some great info in that thread about the kind of light you need, timing and duration. I hear that the holidays have personal associations that make it an especially hard time. This is also the time of year when people start feeling SAD symptoms, so if there's a component of SAD piling on with everything else, maybe that's one avenue to shift things at least a little. 

[PeterPan]

5 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

I am not in a good place. 

Not to point out the obvious, but taking care of yourself is always the best way to turn things around. Sometimes that takes some reflection to figure out what you really need. Then when you refill that bucket, usually it turns out that small things (less than you thought you needed to do) would suffice for the other people/problems. 

[saraha]

Mommyoffive said it way better than I ever could. (((((Hugs)))))

[mommyoffive]

46 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Not to point out the obvious, but taking care of yourself is always the best way to turn things around. Sometimes that takes some reflection to figure out what you really need. Then when you refill that bucket, usually it turns out that small things (less than you thought you needed to do) would suffice for the other people/problems. 

I am taking care of myself as best I can in the times.  I drink my tea (which calms me), get outside, work out, and do little things to enjoy like watching all the shows I have missed in the last 15 years.  I know we are all dealing with the same crappy year.  Some have had it worse and some better.  I guess just everything together has brought me to sad place.  Most days I am ok.  I just go through the day and try not to think about it.  Five kids and 2 dogs (one a new puppy) keep me busy.  I am not the same person I was this time last year.   This year is just so hard.  I am hoping that next year is a better year.  That being said, this pandemic has taught me a lot.  I am sure I am growing as a person.  Sometimes growth isn't a fun process.  I have come to value all the small things we took for granted.  It will be such a unbelievable joy to do the simple things in life again without worry.   Talk to a friend in person and share a bag of chips, go to the store and touch everything, see my kids with their friends, send my kids off for summer experiences, see my kids dance in a studio again, get on a plane and go on a vacation, and just all the normal day things.  Everything is going to mean so much more after this. 

Sorry to derail your thread Jenny.   Sometimes I just think it helps to know that you are not alone.  

[catz]

All I would add is mental health issues take time to sort out.  If you were not happy with your counselors/therapists try, I'd encourage you to continue to try.  I had a health scare and bout with anxiety and depression and it took many, many months to work it out and many things were helpful.  Honestly, it was worse than the actual health issues I had.   But I've been in a much stronger place for many years having walked that journey.  I do agree journaling can be therapeutic and can help drill down into your sadness.  I did that for a few years and sometimes when I find myself floundering I step back to it.  Do you have a routine of healthy habits - outdoor walk (start with a few minutes if that isn't something you do), fulfilling nutritious meals, sleep, hygiene.  I have a base of supplements that work well for me, that is something to consider too.  The SAD light may be helpful if you're not getting outdoors.    It can help give you a solid base to work from.   I also found when my mental health was much better, my physical health was improved too and every bump in the road didn't send me spiraling.  

I don't get along with my only sibling.  I know it makes my mom sad.  The thing is it has nothing to do with her.  My brother has disappointed me for many years and I cannot pretend he hasn't.  And frankly just has completely different priorities and values.  I do maintain a surface level relationship with him for my mom's sake but honestly, covid has been great because I haven't had to see him or hardly communicate with him.  I don't know the back story with your kids, but I'd try hard to let that go and try and maintain healthy relationships with both of them without guilt.  Hopefully it is a maturity thing for them since they are younger.  

In terms of your husband, living with mental and physical illness is no small thing for a spouse either.  I also think when you're moored in your own emotions it can be hard to see other people being seemingly content.  This is a rough year for so many of us. I've really had to keep close check on my  own physical and emotional needs and mental health.  I hope you are able to find some positive steps forward.  It makes me sad, it seems like you've been struggling with this for years, prior to your health issues.  

[Jenny in Florida]

1 hour ago, mommyoffive said:

Sorry to derail your thread Jenny.   Sometimes I just think it helps to know that you are not alone.  

Not derailing at all! I was halfway through purging all of my stuff onto the screen when I realized that one good thing I could see coming out of posting was that it might make anyone else who was having  hard time feel comfortable sharing, too.

I'm sorry you've also got so much stuff to carry around this season.

[Amy Gen]

On a side note,I’m not sure if you had chemo following your breast cancer or not, but I’ve been reading that anxiety and depression can also be caused by chemo, not just “I’m depressed because having cancer sucks.” 
 

I’m going to talk to my oncologist about it when I see her this month. 
 

For myself, I don’t think my life will ever go back to how it was pre cancer. I don’t think I can ever be that person again. I’m trying to just focus on discovering what my new normal will be without dreading it. 
 

I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope you end up having a really good Christmas despite all of the complications. 

[SKL]

The holidays can be hard for many of us.  This year I must admit it's been especially hard to get into the spirit of Christmas joy.  I don't have any particular reason/excuse to feel meh, unless you count the shortening of the days.  And the obvious shared sadness caused by the pandemic.

I keep trying to focus on what I have to be thankful for.  I've made a little progress.  Mostly I think I am just numb.  But that's OK, as long as I don't fail to "do Christmas" for my kids.  The days will start to lengthen right around Christmas, so I will just keep thinking about that.

I hope you will feel better soon.

 

[Jenny in Florida]

First, thank you all for your support and for all of the virtual hugs. I genuinely appreciate it.

I'm going to consolidate some responses to a bunch of questions/suggestions below (since I would like to be able to tell my boss I accomplished something work-related today).

Again, thank you!
 

@TravelingChris @PeterPan

The thing about my kids' situation is that it's not just them not getting along or not liking each other. This is a relationship that I feel fairly sure is more or less permanently broken. And one of them gets upset to even hear the other one's name in casual conversation and has explicitly asked us not to share information about their life with the sibling. The only thing easing the situation at all is that my daughter lives in another state. However, in a normal year when we might want to host her for a visit, my son must be banished in order to avoid catastrophe. 

One of the things I've been unable to stop thinking about in the last few days is a disastrous evening last year when my daughter came to visit while I was recovering from the mastectomy. I won't go into the details, but despite everyone's best efforts to make it possible for her to be here without drama, things went badly and I was left holding the bag.

The situation is so difficult that it not only makes me sad that they are where they are, but it actually interferes with my ability to maintain relationships with both of them.

@PeterPan Yes, my husband has recently been diagnosed as being on the spectrum. Knowing explains/confirms a lot, but doesn't really change anything.

@PrincessMommy The counseling I did over the summer was all virtual. At first, I felt a little bump of something like hope that the process might be helping, I think mostly because it just felt good to feel like I had taken some kind of action to improve things. But it fizzled quickly. Neither the psychiatrist nor the counselor really seemed to know what to do with me (which happened the last time I tried counseling, too). I think one of the problems is that I am generally a pretty resourceful person. I don't reach out for help until/unless I have really run out of ideas, which means by the time I have the initial encounter, I have already explored most or all of the resources and tried most or all of the strategies they have on their lists. 

The counselor is the one who "diagnosed" me as having an existential crisis, but then he had nothing more helpful to offer than suggesting (repeatedly) that I "just" needed to find some kind of new purpose or direction in my life. 

@cintinative @Bambam @FuzzyCatz

About exercise - Yes, I have been making exercise a priority for a while, but especially since the pandemic closed in back in the spring. (It's pretty much the only thing I do that qualifies as "self-care" that is still available to me.) Things have gone up and down a bit in the last year + in response to one health issue or another, and in some ways I am still rebuilding. However, currently, I walk 2 -3 miles every morning, usually with the dog, although she sometimes refuses. In the spring and early summer, I was enjoying driving to parks and other interesting or pretty places to walk, but since I fell and broke my arm in August, I haven't gotten back to that. I only started driving at all as of a few weeks ago when my arm was healed enough and the vertigo was resolved. And I have only been able to drive my own car (manual transmission) for the last week or so. Consequently, the walking is exercise and a good time to listen to podcasts, but it doesn't exactly get me out into "nature."

I've signed up for a variety of virtual challenges to give me some goals for all of the walking and to keep things a little more interesting. I've done a few virtual 5Ks, for example. Sometime between tonight and next weekend, I am supposed to walk the eight-kilometer "Hanukkah Hike" bonus challenge as part of the Run Across America Holiday Hustle. I'm hoping to venture out somewhere more interesting for that one. 

In addition to the daily walking, I do some kind of higher energy (but still low impact) cardio for at least 30 minutes a day at least three days a week. In October, I bought a nice stationary bike, and I ride that for 30 - 45 minutes each day. I go to PT twice a week for my arm, where they are focusing on rebuilding flexibility and strength. 

I have also re-introduced some light strength training at home at least three days a week. This month, I am attempting the Yes.Fit 12 Days of Fitmas challenge, although I have to do a lot of modifications to get through those videos.

@Amy Gen No, no chemo. I had radiation, but because I went with the bilateral mastectomy they determined that chemo wasn't necessary.

I'm sorry you're also dealing with the cancer fallout. I agree that I don't think I will ever again be the person I was "before," although in my case a lot of that is wrapped up in the family stuff that reared its head while I was in treatment and recovery. There are things I know now that I can't shake, and that knowing is all tangled up, emotionally, with the physical stuff of the illness. 

 

[PeterPan]

53 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Knowing explains/confirms a lot, but doesn't really change anything.

Seriously?? they didn't give you ANY suggestions? Then you need a new counselor. Nuts, women on here could give you better advice than zero, haha. Have you started a thread where you just come out about it and ask for help? I'll bet it's the elephant in the room and what you really need.

I can give you one piece of advice I was given--GET AWAY FROM YOUR DH EVERY 3 MONTHS. I'm not saying go have an affair. But really go get back to your sane place. Leave him, go somewhere, take a hotel, take a cruise, go sit on the beach, go drink nonalcoholic things, go to Disney, whatever is your thing that brings back your mojo. And maybe you'll say oh that's not it. I'm just suggesting you *try*. Go anywhere and be there for maybe a week without him. Stay long enough doing just your thing till you find yourself again. He'll be fine. Don't spend $3k for that swank recliner for him! Spend it on YOURSELF to take a trip BY YOURSELF. If you have someone you like a little, go hang with them. If you don't, go to a place that pleases you. Talk to NT people, sit in a hot tub, look at the stars, remember that you're a pleasant, loved, pleasing person who has relationships outside of the skewed relationship with him.

There are more things and I think the ladies could give you a whole list of strategies. Do you own a "calculator"? We had a whole thread on them. Maybe you need one. Again, why buy your dh treats for Christmas when you should treat yourself? Buy a 2nd one. 

So have you pondered whether your kids are on the spectrum? What you're describing would be pretty normal if they are. 

I think you need to take care of yourself, or you're going to go a little crazy. 

Edited December 10, 2020 by PeterPan

[Melissa Louise]

It's really hard, sometimes, to find the right therapist or psychiatrist. Especially when one is dealing with chronic depression. 

If it's possible, in the New Year, to ask friends or others for recommendations, and trial a couple of people, I'd do that. Decent therapy is out there. Personally, I find psychotherapy most effective, from a trained psychologist and psychotherapist. There are also psychologists who use an existential approach. Or a Jungian can help with meaning- making. 

In the meantime, I would remind myself I'm not responsible for my spouse's moods. And that I'm entitled to have my feelings, whatever they are. He can deal, so.long as you are not being abusive alongside (and I am sure you are not - that doesn't go along with high conscientiousness).

I'd up my Vit D, stick to gentle exercise and mindfulness, and probably aim to keep a gratitude journal for the Christmas period. 

I'd also look online for self-compassion resources and meditations, and use the mantra 'Im just human. This is all part of the human experience.'

Hth. 

 

[Bambam]

2 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 I only started driving at all as of a few weeks ago when my arm was healed enough and the vertigo was resolved. And I have only been able to drive my own car (manual transmission) for the last week or so. 

 

Oh, I have a manual transmission car too! It gives me great joy to drive it around. Sometimes I might pretend that I'm a race car driver (but not actually act like it or break any laws or cause traffic problems!). Sometimes I might squeal the tires taking off from red lights just because it is fun. It's a totally silly thing, but it is fun to drive! Windows down, radio on, hair blowing in the wind. 

[Rosie_0801]

The last time I read anything new on mental health stuff was chapters 6-10 of a book called 'The Tao of Trauma.'  Maybe you can find a copy and see if anything resonates.

[ktgrok]

I don't have any suggestions on how to make things better, other than maybe a therapist with experience with PTSD type stuff. 

But I can say this - your feelings are VALID. Your  life has been HARD the last few years. Any ONE of the things you mentioned would be enough to throw someone off balance - to have them all is enough to drive anyone to the brink. 

So..if it helps at all to hear...yes, that all DOES suck. I'm sorry things are so hard. 

[Ditto]

3 hours ago, Amy Gen said:

On a side note,I’m not sure if you had chemo following your breast cancer or not, but I’ve been reading that anxiety and depression can also be caused by chemo, not just “I’m depressed because having cancer sucks.” 
 

I’m going to talk to my oncologist about it when I see her this month. 
 

For myself, I don’t think my life will ever go back to how it was pre cancer. I don’t think I can ever be that person again. I’m trying to just focus on discovering what my new normal will be without dreading it. 
 

I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope you end up having a really good Christmas despite all of the complications. 

I get this all very much.   I, too, am trying to figure out this new normal, but am struggling quite a bit with it.  Going through cancer treatment and the fallout from that treatment simply changes you, no matter what.   I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to find your new normal. 

[Ditto]

Jenny, I am sending you a whole truckload of virtual hugs and love. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

{{Jenny}}  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I hear you on the "bootstraps" comments.  They are so unhelpful.  I can relate to much of what you wrote here (estranged family relationships on top of already difficult sitations.)  Praying for you.

[EmilyGF]

((((hugs))))

I was borderline on a mental breakdown last fall. It got pretty bad.

For me, what helped me start turning the corner, was getting rid of my smart phone. I'm not against smart phones, but the feeling that I was always connected was the stressor that was pushing me over the top. I was lucky in that my smart phone died and I put off getting a new one (indecision and inability to act go with depression!) and then realized I felt like a coat of stress had fallen off of me. Of course, for some, the smart phone may be the key to remaining connected to loved ones. For me, it was pushing me over the edge.

Emily

[regentrude]

4 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Neither the psychiatrist nor the counselor really seemed to know what to do with me (which happened the last time I tried counseling, too). I think one of the problems is that I am generally a pretty resourceful person. I don't reach out for help until/unless I have really run out of ideas, which means by the time I have the initial encounter, I have already explored most or all of the resources and tried most or all of the strategies they have on their lists. 

The counselor is the one who "diagnosed" me as having an existential crisis, but then he had nothing more helpful to offer than suggesting (repeatedly) that I "just" needed to find some kind of new purpose or direction in my life.

That sounds incredibly familiar. Hugs.

[MercyA]

You have no reason to apologize. What do you think we're here for, if not to listen to and support each other?

Many , Jenny.

ETA: You have been encouraging back towards vegetarianism / veganism and I appreciate that.

Edited December 11, 2020 by MercyA

[katilac]

This is all I got: 

 

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

This is all I got: 

 

Is it ok i I laugh at this? I've never seen HP, and that is a riot. Sort of fitting, but also very funny! And what a creepy character!! Mortal peril, yes that's how it feels with kids.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I hear so much sadness, grief, and loss in your post. You seem to be trying to hold yourself together when you need to give yourself permission to let it all out and make meaning of it.
If you decide that therapy is worth a try again, I would search for a grief and loss specialist, particularly related to complex trauma and give it some time. The therapist shouldn’t be trying to “fix you” or “do anything with you.” They should hold compassionate space until you mentally declutter enough to find your own healing. Sometimes it takes a while, particularly after living a long time. Lots of emotional clutter. Try not to be so destination oriented and lean into the process. The process is the healing  

And please accept my gentlest virtual hugs. Sounds like you really could use someone to love on you right now. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

((Jenny)) ((Ditto)) ((Everyone else needing a hug))

[dirty ethel rackham]

On 12/10/2020 at 9:33 PM, Big Buckin' Longhorn said:

I hear so much sadness, grief, and loss in your post. You seem to be trying to hold yourself together when you need to give yourself permission to let it all out and make meaning of it.
If you decide that therapy is worth a try again, I would search for a grief and loss specialist, particularly related to complex trauma and give it some time. The therapist shouldn’t be trying to “fix you” or “do anything with you.” They should hold compassionate space until you mentally declutter enough to find your own healing. Sometimes it takes a while, particularly after living a long time. Lots of emotional clutter. Try not to be so destination oriented and lean into the process. The process is the healing  

And please accept my gentlest virtual hugs. Sounds like you really could use someone to love on you right now. 

This so resonates with me.  After a few therapists that gave me all these suggestions on what to try, I was about to give up with frustration ... I knew "what to do" but I couldn't make it work.  I found a therapist who understood that what I needed was to grieve ... I needed a space to be sad and process all the losses and hurts so that I could come back stronger.  And it took a long time.  But knowing I had that safe space in my week helped me feel less bleak about the rest.  

Jenny, Continuing to hold you in prayer.