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My Mom with Dementia is Missing

goldberry

By goldberry,
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Rachel

Rachel

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I wish it were happier. I'm happy she's safe, but so sad we are moving into another stage of this horrible illness. Sad for her and for my dad too.

I'm so glad she is safe! I'm sorry that the aging process sucks though. Seeing people you love not be like them self is tough.
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NorthwestMom

NorthwestMom

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I am so glad she is safe too! This is actually lucky for you. Now you know her true capacity and can make appropriate plans to keep her safe. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

My mom also had Alzheimer's and eloped 3 times from her residence until I had her placed in a secure facility. She actually loved it there - they had walking paths that circled into each other, so there was never a dead end and she could move about safely all she wanted. 

 

Sending best wishes to you. What a morning you had!

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QueenCat

QueenCat

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I wish it were happier.  I'm happy she's safe, but so sad we are moving into another stage of this horrible illness.  Sad for her and for my dad too.

 

It is so very hard, I know. I'm glad that she's safe. Has your dad considered one of those trackers that they put around the ankle? She wouldn't be able to take it off on her own, like she could with a necklace.

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Jean in Newcastle

Jean in Newcastle

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May I gently say that with my in-laws we had to get the doctor involved in taking the keys because they would listen to him instead of us.  I'm actually appalled that a doctor would have said that driving with dementia was ok.  It's not just about not getting lost when going to the store.  It's about all the split second decisions involved at times in driving (not every day but you don't know when a child is going to step out into the road after a ball or whatever) and it's just as much about keeping everyone else on the road safe. 

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goldberry

goldberry

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  I'm actually appalled that a doctor would have said that driving with dementia was ok. 

 

It's not uncommon according to what the doctor said and also what I read online for patients in early stages to continue to drive.  We actually had two doctors say that she was okay under the circumstances we described.  But it's hard to monitor to know how it's progressing.

 

We probably will talk to the doctor and get him to draw the line. But she will still blame us, because she will know we told the doctor.  She gets mad at my dad all the time for telling us kids things we need to know.  It's predictable though.

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Jean in Newcastle

Jean in Newcastle

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It's not uncommon according to what the doctor said and also what I read online for patients in early stages to continue to drive.  We actually had two doctors say that she was okay under the circumstances we described.  But it's hard to monitor to know how it's progressing.

 

We probably will talk to the doctor and get him to draw the line. But she will still blame us, because she will know we told the doctor.  She gets mad at my dad all the time for telling us kids things we need to know.  It's predictable though.

 

I understand.  We had the anger and the blame.  It's hard because they have the emotional reactions to things but can't really understand the complexities of why certain decisions are being made or that they are being made with their own good in mind. 

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prairiewindmomma

prairiewindmomma

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Based on our experiences with our older relatives, Jean's comments are spot on.   Accidentally hitting the gas when you mean to hit the brake, improper lane changes, and door/lock problems are all issues that began to pop up within several months of "missed exits" and "just getting turned around".  There are a variety of GPS locator devices---the above comment about not wearing necklaces also was an issue for us.  You can low jack the car with stuff purchased from amazon, and there are also tracking devices that can be placed discretely elsewhere.  I also highly recommend door alarms that chime when an exterior door is opened.

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OneStepAtATime

OneStepAtATime

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It's not uncommon according to what the doctor said and also what I read online for patients in early stages to continue to drive.  We actually had two doctors say that she was okay under the circumstances we described.  But it's hard to monitor to know how it's progressing.

 

We probably will talk to the doctor and get him to draw the line. But she will still blame us, because she will know we told the doctor.  She gets mad at my dad all the time for telling us kids things we need to know.  It's predictable though.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I am so glad she was found and is uninjured and no one else was hurt.  

 

This is a horrible disease.  Absolutely horrid.  BTDT.  Sending hugs and sympathy.  

 

FWIW, long past the point where my grandmother should no longer have been driving the doctors were saying she was fine to do so over relatively short distances, especially since she lived in a small town and only traveled there and to the nearby bigger but still pretty small town.  Why?  Because they only saw her in a doctor's office and she was very bright and appeared perfectly capable.  Until I started staying with her the family members that were going with her to those doctor's appointments did not really want to see the changes and how affected she was so they also were reporting to the doctor that she was very functional.  And they were right most of the time.  When I started staying with her for a couple of weeks at a time I realized that while, yes, maybe 80% of the time or more in those early stages she was still capable of driving, and taking care of herself, etc. she periodically would forget, get confused, etc.  It is what can happen in those moments where they AREN'T clear that is the scary part and the part that is hard to predict ahead of time.

 

Once I was following behind her on the highway because we had to take her car to the shop in the nearby town.  She seemed alert, cognizant, doing fine.  We had had a pleasant lunch and honestly I saw no signs that she was slipping.  A truck passed her on the left on that two lane highway.  Halfway through the pass she forgot a vehicle was passing and pulled into that lane to pass the car in front of her.  Thankfully the driver of the truck reacted immediately and pulled off the road.  If he hadn't reacted when he did she could have killed them both.  At that point I realized that regardless of how clear headed she seemed most of the time, she should no longer drive.  It was heartbreaking to take away her freedom like that when she was still functional so much of the time.  And she did not handle it well...

 

I am sorry you and your family are facing this.  In all likelihood your dad doesn't want to see how many things she is slipping with now and the doctors are going to have to go on what your dad is reporting and what they see in the doctor's office.  It is probably not a terribly accurate representation.  She may be struggling a lot more than anyone realizes.  

 

Again, I am really sorry.  I have lost multiple family members to this disease and am almost certainly facing this myself in my future.  It stinks to high heaven but at least she has family that cares.  Hold to each other.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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creekland

creekland

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Just seeing this now and glad to read the whole story.

 

Dementia is definitely tough in general, esp with knowing when and where to draw lines.  I'm so glad there was a happy ending, though am also adding my  :grouphug:, prayers, and best wishes as you all continue on this journey.  It's not an easy one, that's for certain.

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RootAnn

RootAnn

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I am so glad she was found safely. 

 

Just an idea as we went through some of this with my beloved dad. I would make sure to have a doctor appointment scheduled *soon* and ask for them to do a dementia screen to see where she is on that day. (We had a baseline & then they could check to see where he was at later appointments.) If they have a screening test, it is fairly easy for the doctor to determine a failure level. I'm not saying that they can make sure your MIL fails the test, but ... it can be arranged.

 

:grouphug:  Dementia is so difficult on the individual early on & the family later.

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Moonhawk

Moonhawk

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I'm so sorry this happened but thankful she was found relatively quickly. I think being farther away and not in a position to do something during the search makes this type of situation very hard for those not close by, sorry you had to have that additional stress as well.

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Little Nyssa

Little Nyssa

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I'm also appalled that the Dr thought she could still drive... 'within certain parameters'... who is going to enforce those parameters? That's not realistic and it's very dangerous for her & other drivers.

My MIL was slipping into dementia and SILs thought it was no problem for her to still drive... she got into an accident and managed to keep it a secret for months. Fortunately nobody was killed.

My MIL now lives in a locked ward near us & is quite happy there.

The only way we were able to get her to stop driving was to have her move near us- which involved her moving to a new state, leaving her car behind. She now has no car, no keys, no license, and at the stage of her disease that she is at now, she rarely misses it. I realize this is an extreme solution but this is the only thing that worked for our family.

 

ETA: I meant to say first, I'm so glad she was found.

Edited by Little Nyssa
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PeppermintPattie

PeppermintPattie

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It's not uncommon according to what the doctor said and also what I read online for patients in early stages to continue to drive.  We actually had two doctors say that she was okay under the circumstances we described.  But it's hard to monitor to know how it's progressing.

 

We probably will talk to the doctor and get him to draw the line. But she will still blame us, because she will know we told the doctor.  She gets mad at my dad all the time for telling us kids things we need to know.  It's predictable though.

Maybe you can blame it on the police calling the doctor?

 

Glad she's safe.

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goldberry

goldberry

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We haven't talked to my dad about course of action yet, but there are a few indications he may not take this as seriously as he should about her driving.

 

The state they are in allows private citizens to request the DMV to make a medical evaluation of a person's ability to drive.  It can be done anonymously.  My sister and I are talking about doing this if my dad refuses to acknowledge the situation.  Is that horrible??  It feels horrible.  But if my dad won't take it seriously, it seems like the best way to resolve it without infuriating everyone.  He would assume it was reported by the police. 

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