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About lauraw4321

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    Hive Mind Queen Bee

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  1. “Never give up” is our official motto. If you ask our kids, “what’s the [] family motto?” They will answer “never give up!” Usually with a big groan. We also say ( a lot) “everyone works.” We talk about how everyone contributes as they are able. My kids know a lot of SAHMs (and I’ve been one myself) and that’s where the conversation started (Ms. so and so doesn’t work! Oh, yes she does. She works very hard).
  2. Thank you, Ruth for your detailed post. As I said, this thread has been fuel for thought for me to understand where and why I draw certain boundaries. The reason your #8 crossed a line for me is that in my imagination it would require a level of entanglement and detailed involvement that I don’t anticipate having with my kids in college. I don’t want to know that they are going to have a really tough 9 day period without them telling me that, because that means I would have reviewed and internalized their syllabi and deadlines. Now, maybe that’s not how it happened. Maybe your DS said “mom, I have a rough 9 days coming up. Could you help me prioritize and plan?” If it we’re option B, I think I’d be ok with that. If it were option A, I’m not, because I cannot continue to be the keeper of the calendars and schedules and lists for 5 people forever. We all draw on our own experiences and this thread reminds me (again) of why I need therapy to work through some of this. I could not wait to leave home and vowed to never live at home again (I didn’t). I never once asked my parents for the kind of advice you’ve listed above. Best example I can think of - my parents found out I graduated first from law school when they got to the ceremony. It didn’t occur to me to discuss my life in that level of detail with them. So some of my boundaries are driven by pure mental exhaustion. And some are driven by my own relationship with my parents. The first probably won’t change. But the second deserves a closer look. I don’t want to have a kid who needs me so much that they text me multiple times a day to remind them what’s due on Thursday. But I would love a relationship where I’m one of the first people they tell about their successes and dreams. Or who they turn to for advice. That’s not the parent child relationship I have, so it’s hard for me to create it. When I find myself unsure what to do as a parent, I use my MIL as my example. However, she can’t me my example in this area (dealing with ADHD in a child) because she likely has it herself and didn’t do any modeling / scaffolding / supporting in that area. So I’m flailing in a vacuum a bit. Which is why this board is very very helpful. As a fun comparison, our family motto is “never give up!”
  3. So, a few follow ups. I did have the conversation about procrastination / sleep and it was so enlightening that I'm so so so so glad I kept my mouth shut for once. So, first of all, she had already prepared her entire script in PPT in Spanish before she started filming. I don't know if the teacher scaffolded this, but I was really pleased with that. I talked to her about losing sleep, and she admitted that it would have been better to finish earlier, but that the only way that would have worked was on the weekend, and she didn't remember it on the weekend. I told her that if I were in her shoes, I probably would have chosen something simpler that didn't need to "prove" for 2 hours. She had an absolutely brilliant response. First, she said that she wanted something that matched the Dia de los Muertos theme of the class. Second, she said she got more points for having more complicated ingredients to translate. And third, she said that it didn't really matter what it tasted like because she just had to do the video, not actually bring in the food. It seemed to me these were all very wise choices in retrospect. With respect to putting the videos together into iMovie, frankly, she probably could have done it on the bus ride. I don't love that because she gets motion sick, but I was floored at how quickly she was able to do that. Clearly I'm an old fart who is slow at technology. I keep checking for a grade, or trying to find the grading rubric, and I haven't been able to find it. She has had trouble turning it in because of technology, and I've been reminding her to follow up on that daily, but I usually can still find the assignment on my end. So it's weird that I can't. We usually do our planning / calendaring discussions on Sundays, but I'm realizing that with some of these more complicated projects, we need to do them on Saturday mornings so that we have a chance to work on the weekend if needed. Long story short, in this instance, I learned far more than she did, likely. I hope she gets an A (assuming what she's telling me about the grading rubric is true). I feel like my parenting wins are so few and far between, and I so often over-talk and over-lecture instead of just taking a step back and seeing where it leads me. I told her I was so proud of her. She showed me the video fully edited and it was absolutely adorable. She had some scenes of time-lapse, and she added sound over them, and was just generally brilliant. She got her middle sister to help, and even the 5 year old's hand waiving an American flag (because..why not?) appeared in the background and made us all laugh.
  4. You have a lot to say about having a kid with EF issues, but does your spouse have severe EF issues? It is an entirely different ballgame. DH has always been a good provider and has never lost his job. I have to tell myself things like that when I hear him mention that he's supposed to be in for an 8:00 meeting, and it's 7:30 and he's just stepping into the shower, and he has a 30 minute commute. Or mention a required training that he's six months behind on. Or that his supervisor wants him to take on certain administrative tasks that I know he will struggle with. These are daily occurrences in my house. When we were first married, I tried to take on scaffolding him and managing my own life (law school at the time). Over time he began to (unconsciously, I think) rely on me for some of those things. After couple's therapy (more than once), we reached an agreement that I would not consider it my job to help with those tasks. It was causing me inordinate stress and hurting our marriage. So, I had to draw some lines, and say the serenity prayer. So, if I know that his failure to do a task will directly and negatively impact one of the kids (i.e. not get picked up from somewhere, have their health insurance cancelled), I make sure those things get handled. Everything else? It's on him. Even if it makes things more difficult for him. The line gets fuzzy when it's something like... he lost receipts for reimbursement for a work trip to the tune of $600. In that case, I called and got receipts sent to me, sent them to him, and then reminded him weekly until I saw that reimbursement come back in. It took about 6 months. So when I see what seems like a pretty problematic work issue (being late), I have to self-talk like this "It's not my job to keep his job. The worst thing that could happen is he'll get fired. He's never gotten fired. And even if he does get fired, I can support us." It's my version of the serenity prayer. Otherwise, I wouldn't still be married. If he asks me to help him - like "do you mind setting up an extra alarm on your phone and making sure I'm up by X time?" then I absolutely do. But even though I remember that he has an early meeting when he doesn't, I don't consider it my job to remind him. Frankly, we're both happier that way. I hope it goes without saying that I love him and I love my children. But, in case it wasn't obvious, I do.
  5. This felt like an attack. For those wondering where the attack language came from.
  6. I think you have all missed the parts where I have repeatedly said that I did and do scaffold for this kid. This kid is getting tons of help. My DH had none. He said it took realizing that he may not get into college for him to try and develop any kind of system. He likely doesn’t recognize or realize the scaffolding I do for him. I do far less than when we first got married. I realized that if he forgot to pack any underwear, he could figure it out (as an example). He managed to graduate high school and college without a spouse helping him. It means he did a lot of stuff the hard way. He’s never been fired from a job. He has had to do some very expensive things because of EF failures, and I try to avoid those now. I can write you novels if you’d like but frankly I have better things to do. It’s impossible for me to give his entire life story and mine and my kids on a board post. I don’t treat my 11 yo like a NT kid. In this instance that I posted about, she refused / declined my offers to scaffold. I WOULD HAVE TAUGHT HER THAT SHE WAS INCOMPETENT IF I INSISTED ON STEPPING IN. I have had to set very firm boundaries in my life to avoid becoming everyone’s EF. I have been telling this kid for years now that the reason we practice this now is because “I won’t be there in college.” Glad to be everyone’s entertainment.
  7. Thanks, Seeking. Every time I dabble in the board I am painted some kind of evil Machiavellian mastermind. I repeatedly said I may change my mind. I never lectured anyone (again, feel free to quote if I’m wrong). I am not judging you for helping your kids in this way. I’m saying I won’t because if I didn’t set a boundary somewhere, I could easily spend the rest of my life filling the role of secretary for my spouse, mother, aunt, cousin, co-workers, etc. My DH had zero scaffolding. He didn’t even have medication until college. The fact he graduated is a miracle. He feels strongly that being forced to find internal motivation was key to his current abilities. Who am I to argue? I don’t have ADHD I scaffold (read, nag) DH when the issue at stake is something like my family's Health insurance. Or an appointment I need him to handle for the kids because I have an unavoidable conflict. If it affects only him, I do not scaffold. If he lost his job, because of his EF deficits we would be fine because I don’t depend on him. It would be painful in the short term, but ultimately fine. I could easily spend my entire life working on other people’s goals and priorities. I won’t.
  8. Didn’t have the opportunity yet.
  9. Because, our lives and finances are combined for life. So I scaffold for items that would significantly affect me and/our finances.
  10. I promise to update with her grade when we get it. She had a substitute, so it will probably be next week.
  11. Dude. I never said parents who scaffold in college are bad parents, did I? Please show me if I did because that isn’t true. I said, sincerely, that I admire Ruth in NZ. What I did say is that I know myself enough to know that I’m not going to be willing to continue scaffolding in college (with the caveat that of course I could change my mind). I know that those who scaffold aren’t doing the underlying work. I know that because I scaffold daily for this kid (and her dad - and that is a lifetime gig). I’m not judging you. I’m saying what I am not willing to do.
  12. I admire your dedication to your son. Some of these do not sound like scaffolding to me, but rather ordinary parenting (1, 2,3,6,8). With respect to 4, I can’t imagine a comparable situation, so I can’t comment. With respect to 5, I would expect my kid to know and understand the ins and outs of insurance with respect to a $10,000 object before letting her travel internationally with it. With respect to 7, I would not be scaffolding. It is a level of assistance I’m not willing to provide in college. Call it a boundary. Call it selfishness. I have my own dreams and pursuits and I’m not willing to continue to be a secretary - precisely what it is - when my kids are in college. I don’t know what the full consequences of that are right now. I suppose I may change my mind, but I doubt it. This is very helpful food for thought.
  13. Yup, I think you are correct.
  14. Ha, because I have my own issues? 🤪 Because it’s hard to watch someone do it the hard way? Because it’s my instinct to “help”? And maybe because I’m a bit of a control freak?
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