Who drives your kids?

[Drama Llama]

Leaving covid out of it, who do you allow to drive your kids?

DS14 was in a pretty scary car accident this weekend.  He is just bruised, but another passenger has a broken collarbone.  They  were riding in a car driven by a twenty-something member of a friend’s household.  The driver was found to be at fault in the accident.  

DH’s PTSD is majorly triggered, as is mine to a lesser degree, and it’s coming across at anger at me for  letting this person drive our kid.  He swears that if he had custody this wouldn’t have happened.

So, anyway, who do you allow to drive your kids?  I am trying to figure out how to respond.

[mommyoffive]

Up until this summer the only people who have ever driven my kids is dh or myself.  Other than public transit on trips or something.  My older kids had some bus drivers while at a ballet intensive this summer.

[Jean in Newcastle]

20-something spans a whole decade.  Is the person a new driver?  An experienced driver?  I wouldn't want a 50 year old who is a new driver to drive my kid.  A 22 year old who is a safe experienced driver (who has driven say for 6 years with no accidents) would be absolutely fine.  If they were found at fault, then I assume that they didn't follow some basic safety or road rules?  I could see why your dh is unhappy.  (But I also think that the "if he had custody it wouldn't have happened" argument is flawed.  Would your dh have asked about the other drier's driving record?  Would he have insisted on driving himself?  )

[Danae]

This has never come up for us — in almost 16 years I don’t think there’s ever been a situation where my kids have ridden with anyone except their parents, grandparents, and one family that we carpooled with.  Maybe their aunt a few times.

Honestly, I’m kind of glad that the situation hasn’t come up where we’ve had to decide.  I know it will as they move into driving age and they and their friends start getting licenses.

DH works in traffic safety research, so we are more conservative on this issue than just about anyone I know.  But I probably would have given permission to ride with a 20+ driver, if it was an adult that I generally think of as responsible.  I definitely don’t think you did anything wrong, and the idea that this was impacted by or should impact custody is nonsense.  

[happi duck]

Dh and I always drove.  

ETA: They went on some youth camp things where the youth leaders drove them to another state

Edited July 12, 2022 by happi duck

[Arcadia]

My husband is the only one to drive our kids. Our family friends have given my kids a lift home but I would be in the same car. I don’t drive so we use Uber but I would be accompanying. 
As a child, my parents only allowed my aunt to drive me herself or my relatives to drive me with my mom or dad tagging along. My in-laws would let any relative or friends drive their kids. 

Is this incident a regular carpool thing or a one off thing? If it is a regular carpool thing and the driver is the agreed driver, my husband would freak out but realized these things happen. If it is a one off thing, my husband would freak out on me for allowing instead of arranging for him to drive our teens.

Edited July 13, 2022 by Arcadia
Clarification

[Elizabeth86]

So far only DH and I have.

I would 100% trust my dad to with proper instructions on car seat/booster use, but it hasn't came up. My mom has never learned to drive. I don't really trust anyone else with my kids.

Edited July 12, 2022 by Elizabeth86

[Terabith]

When my kids were young enough to be in car seats/ booster seats, they didn't ride with many people simply by virtue of the nature of seats making things complicated.  And at that point in their lives, their social lives were small.  They rode with us, with my in laws, a couple times when my parents were visiting, a housemate.  Once, when we drove to Boston, we put booster seats into the van of a friend of a friend who lived there and was used to driving in Boston traffic, both to utilize fewer vehicles and also so that I didn't have to drive and park in an unfamiliar large city.  

As they got older, and especially once they got into their teens, they rode with a much greater variety of people.  They rode with the parents of friends, both with and without me.  My youngest rides with my oldest, who is a careful but not an experienced driver.  They ride with friends over 18 who have licenses.  Even more commonly, I drove lots of their friends places and helped other parents transport kids to activities that both sets of kids were doing.

I think a rule that says teens can only ride with family members really limits the lives of kids.  

[Caclcoca]

I can see my 21 year old driving my 14 year old and a friend somewhere, so I would let my 14 ride with a friend whose older sibling was driving. It is a given that I would know the family well enough to know that the driver is safe and experienced. 

[bensonduck]

It really depends on where they are going. I recently allowed DD13 to ride with a new driver (age 16) when the trip was within a very quiet gated community in the daytime. (The planned destination was slightly too far for them to walk and it was 100 degrees, so.)

On the other hand I would not have given permission if they were leaving the community or driving on a busy road or it was nighttime. 

This is new territory for us - other than this particular new driver it’s been mainly family members and adult friends driving my kids around. Also we have occasionally used HopSkipDrive. 

[heartlikealion]

I'm a CPST and the odds of accident go up dramatically with the number of young drivers in the car. As of right now, if ds was offered a ride by a peer I would say no. 

https://www.parentsandkids.com/52365/parent-points-safe-kids-ms-discusses-teen-driving/

[cjzimmer1]

Myself, DH, grandparents, aunts and siblings for 95+% of the time.  On rare occasions they have been driven by someone else, it's a married parent of kids in the youth group who has been background checked and driver's license checked by the church and approved by the church's insurance.  My kids who are 20+ have ridden with peers that are also 20+ but we don't allow the younger kids to ride with the older kids peers.  I was in a bad car accident as a teen, I no longer trust young people to not get distracted when other young people are around.

Edited July 12, 2022 by cjzimmer1

[HomeAgain]

Well, it depends.  DS23 rode with his friends in high school.  I was fine with it - good kids, very conscientious, smart. I can't see myself letting youngest ds ride with his friends later, though.  They're all idiots at age 12, and would need some serious growth in the next few years for me to trust them.

[fraidycat]

Whoever is driving to the place they are going. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, friends' parents or siblings, bus drivers, public transport, taxis, etc, and now...themselves.

I have only stopped one trip, and it wasn't due to who was driving, but that the weather for driving was into "I wouldn't drive in this" territory, so I didn't want my kid on the road at all, in any vehicle, with any driver.

[freesia]

We have let 20 something year old youth group leaders drive our children. There has been only one under 21 year old non-sibling we’ve allowed drive our under 18 year olds bc we knew what a careful driver he is. We allow parents of friends drive our kids and relatives. Our oldest ds drove home from college with 20/21 year olds. I think when my oldest was 14 no one but 30+ year olds had driven any of them but that was really because of the time of life we were in and who we knew. Life changes and perspective changes as your kids age. You didn’t do anything wrong or unwise. Your dh is being reactive. You know you can’t keep your children bubble wrapped and remove all risk. It isn’t healthy. I’m sorry. 

[catz]

It would not have occured to me not allow my teenage kid to ride with a twenty something if this was a known and trusted family to a known and vetted event.  I mean my kids certainly have been in situations like this.  My high schooler rode with another 17 year old to a pool party last week.  My kids have been driven by older kids at times.  I kind of think, a lot of people defer to the norms of their high school age kids social groups.  Or their kids will no longer fit into those social groups and miss out on opportunities.  That doesn't mean I've allowed a free for all get in a car with anyone kids by any stretch either.  My kids are naturally fairly discerning about who they are willing to ride with.

ETA - I will say, a lot of parents of young drivers we know have passanger rules and driving curfew rules too.  Like only zero or one passengers, no driving past a certain hour, etc.  

I totally see how this would trigger concern.  I would be very upset too.  But I also don't think your husband is being reasonable at all.  I mean, drivers make mistakes sometimes.   You can't lock your teenagers in a basement either and never enter vehicles.  

It can happen in your own vehicle.  My son and I were hit from high speed from behind and weren't injured but my vehicle was totalled and we were certainly sore for a few days.  Some other genius totalled my husband's vehicle last fall.  

Edited July 12, 2022 by catz

[sweet2ndchance]

I agree with the others, a trusted friend would have been fine for our kids to ride with and an accident could have happened no matter who had custody. Your husband is just being difficult. He can say it wouldn't happen under his watch but he can't guarantee that. No one can. I understand you both have issues here that were triggered by this but it doesn't give him the right to be difficult about things. No one can predict everything that can or will happen. Unless this friend has a very questionable driving record, I'm willing to bet no one could have predicted the accident would happen. And if there were a questionable record that you were aware of, I'm sure you would have done something different. A young driver doesn't always mean a bad driver just as age doesn't equal maturity. (Your husband is making a shining example of the latter here)

I'm sure you did the best you could with the information you had. You don't own a crystal ball nor do you have the ability to see the future. Unless, your husband has one of those things, he can't see the future either no matter how much he claims he wouldn't have let something like this happen. Don't let him live rent free in your head with this. I know first hand how hard it is but he really is just being childish and cruel with this blame game.

[Drama Llama]

The driver was the family’s nanny.  I trust this family and I know they checked driving records and rode along several times before they let her drive their kids. She’s been driving half of carpool for the past few weeks, but the accident happened when they went out for ice cream, early Sunday evening, long before dark, technically in the city but the suburby part if that makes sense.  Nice weather. 

 

[Katy]

Prior to the pandemic I wouldn’t have had a problem with someone I thought responsible & over the age of 21 to drive. But now I’m a bit further down the theory that no one is an adult until 25 so I’d probably say an unrelated person should be 25. I’d most likely let siblings drive, though that’s because my kids are terrible liars. At least one of them would tell if someone drove irresponsibly. 

[Jhwk21]

I would most likely have had no problem with this nanny driving my 13yo for ice cream under the conditions you described. And nobody has ever driven any of my kids besides my husband and myself.  

Edited July 12, 2022 by Jhwk21

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

No new or young drivers.  This is a hard line in the sand for me.  I’d rather all drivers be over the age of 25 before driving other people in the car, especially teens or other young 20s.  There’s a reason it’s hard to rent a rental car below a certain age.

DS12 is already mad about this.  I told him if God wanted him to ride in cars with teenage drivers, God would not have given him two paramedics as parents. The statistics are sobering and I’ve seen it all first hand. https://www.cdc.gov/transportationsafety/teen_drivers/teendrivers_factsheet.html

A mid20s nanny with a good driving record would be fine, though.  That’s not a teen or a young driver, presumably.

[freesia]

37 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

The driver was the family’s nanny.  I trust this family and I know they checked driving records and rode along several times before they let her drive their kids. She’s been driving half of carpool for the past few weeks, but the accident happened when they went out for ice cream, early Sunday evening, long before dark, technically in the city but the suburby part if that makes sense.  Nice weather. 

 

Yeah, I’d have had no problem at all with letting my 13/14 year old drive with the nanny. I was once a 20-something nanny driving kids places. I’ve never had any accident other than someone backing up into my car at a gas station. I was in an accident where the mother of those kids was driving. Most parents are 20-somethings. 

Edited July 12, 2022 by freesia
Typo

[Soror]

@Baseballandhockey When you mentioned the wreck I was worried about this being triggering for you. I think that is what is coming out. If you had hard and fast rules previously then I could see his reaction, otherwise I just see it as a reaction to the situation. 

I would not have a discussion with the focus being this your fault. 

It was rare for our kids to ride with others when they were younger- just on very rare occasion our parents. Now, my older 2 ride up with friends at times. We have our own rules, the state has also introduced a graduated license system as well. 

I think now is the time to discuss safety rules. These things don't come up when kids are younger, or if you are in an area with public transportation but it becomes a big issue for older kids.

 

Edited July 12, 2022 by Soror

[Catwoman]

@Baseballandhockey, I think we are all in agreement that your dh is having an extreme reaction, but given his profound grief and mental health struggles relating to your son who passed away, I can give him a little bit of a pass here, mainly because I think he's having a knee-jerk reaction to being so scared when he heard about the accident. It seems like maybe he wanted to feel like he had some kind of control over something that he secretly realizes he couldn't have controlled.

There is no way the accident could have been anticipated, but if the circumstances involved the driver being incredibly reckless (rather than this just being a mistake anyone could have made,)and you already knew the driver had a terrible driving record before you let your ds ride in the car with her (which doesn't seem to be the case at all,) I could understand why your dh would be so upset. But as it is, your dh was probably just upset and scared that your child could have been seriously injured or killed, so he needed to rant and make accusations, so he didn't feel so helpless about the whole thing.  I think he was very wrong to blame you for any part of this, but I doubt he really means he is going to try to do anything about custody.

Sending lots of hugs to you, because you shouldn't need to deal with his drama and accusations while you, too, are processing the accident. I'm sure you're very upset about it, too!!!

[wintermom]

I'm so sorry that your ds was involved in a major collision. It sounds like an unfortunate situation that could not have been forseen, with no fault to you. 

When my dc were younger (preteens), only adults would be driving them (aunts, uncles, parents of friends). Now that they are all older teens or young adults, it's more likely to be someone in their age group who does the driving. I prefer to know who is driving, and dh and I always inform other parents if our dc who can drive will be doing the driving with their children and make sure that they are ok with it.

I will also listen to my dc if they describe the driving of the person they get a lift from as unsafe. At that point, dh or I will do the driving going forward. One dad of my dd's best friend had a habit of texting and driving. We always did the driving of our dc for events with that family after discovering this. 

[rebcoola]

3 hours ago, fraidycat said:

Whoever is driving to the place they are going. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, friends' parents or siblings, bus drivers, public transport, taxis, etc, and now...themselves.

 

This is us to.

I paid a friends 17yr old to drive my MDD to and from gymnastics for a month after youngest was born.  

I wouldn't even think twice about someone's paid nanny who drives their kids regularly.

 

[73349]

I have not let DS ride with many people, but I would let him ride with a family we know's trusted nanny. That's different from, say, a high school classmate.

[kirstenhill]

We haven't been in many situations where one of my kids would want to ride with a teen driver friend, so we haven't had to worry about that.  I would probably be fairly cautious about allowing one of my kids to do that (maybe only if it was the only way for them to get somewhere important, because DH and I were both busy in other ways).   DD18 drove DS15 to and from school every day this past year, and occasionally my DD has given a friend a ride to or from some school events (friend has transportation challenges and had no other way to get there).  We would definitely let our kids ride with a responsible 20-something, and have often had them ride with friends' parents.  We often carpool rides to events, or a friend's parent brings one of my kids home after a playdate or event. 

[teachermom2834]

I think this is alot harder to keep a lock on as your kids get older and it is one of those things you kind of have to let go of somewhat. I’m super nervous about teen drivers but other adults driving kids  is hard to be super restrictive about. And if you have a trusted family that makes a judgement call and substitutes a trusted adult driver, I think that just happens and you can’t expect to keep that locked down for high schoolers. 
 

Say a high school student is getting a ride home from a friend’s house. You expect it to be friend’s parent but whatever family circumstances occur and your kid gets dropped off by friend’s aunt or grandma or similar. I’m thinking that sort of thing happens and you kind of have to roll with that a bit. I’m super strict about alot of things but I can’t imagine how you have such strict rules that your child never rides with an unapproved driver once they get to the teen years. Rules about teen drivers are one thing but adult trusted family friends is pretty harsh. 
 

My kids had pretty limited social lives and those things still came up. I admit to being non-confrontational but I can’t imagine how enforcing that rule would go down with the high school age kids. 

[SKL]

Who drives my kids?  Any licensed driver whom I have no reason to distrust.

I've hired drivers in the past.  People who were total strangers to me.  The first driver was a college student and my kids were 7yo.  No regrets.  The second one was a retired granny.  She had an accident in my car once (my kids were not with her, otherwise I'd assume my kids were being idiots and causing the crash).  I got the car fixed and kept her on.  I also have another granny type who used to be their nanny, who drives them at times.  And my siblings, housemates, anyone else who is allowed to supervise my kids.  Next month my kid will carpool out of town with someone from her place of work.

My kids' friends' parents can all drive my kids if they want.  (Likewise, I've driven their kids all over.)  Now that my kids are in high school, they have 16yo friends who are allowed to drive them with my permission.

My 15yos are allowed to drive each other with me in the car.

So far I think our worst incident was the cab ride when I was leaving my kids' birth country to bring them home.  We had a collision on the road and my mom got a bump on her head.  Then there was that time I was driving and a guy rear-ended us at a red light.  So far no incidents involving "poorly vetted drivers" while my kids were in the car.

As far as parental liability, as long as the driver was legally allowed to drive your child in that situation, and you didn't know of any specific issues, there was nothing wrong with letting her drive.

Everyone makes mistakes.  If you've personally never had a fender bender with your child in the car, it's because you've been blessed.

[Kuovonne]

When my kids were younger and they needed adult supervision, I trusted my kids to that adult, including choosing who could drive my kids around. If I didn't trust the adult to drive safely (or pick a safe driver), I didn't trust the adult enough to leave my kids with them at all. My kids have ridden around with me, DH, family, family friends, and public transit. By the time they were 14, they were in high school with extracurriculars, so they were also driven around by the parents of their friends. I had usually met at least one parent, but not necessarily the parent driving the car pool.

As my kids have gotten their driver's licenses, the dynamic changes a lot. At first, my kids are not allowed to drive other friends. Then, eventually, they are allowed to drive only one friend whom I have met and trust, and they must check with that friend's parents to make sure the other parents are okay with their child being driven by a teen driver. I also strongly discouraged my kids from being passengers in cars driven by their newly-licensed friends, but it is hard to completely ban with an older teen. By the time my older DD was legally allowed to drive with more than one friend, she had several years of driving experience under her belt, and I stopped being concerned about it.

[Loowit]

I had to sign paperwork for DS who is working at summer camp.  He is 16.  There were a number of options and we discussed it at length.  We decided that he can drive himself (although the car is now home for repairs) with passengers only as allowed by state law.  He has only had his license for 5 months.  He can ride with anyone who is legally allowed to drive him.  But I gave him strict instructions that he is to get out of any vehicles that he doesn't feel comfortable with the driver's driving and call his boss at the camp or us (though we are 3 hours away).

So far they have mostly ridden with us, grandparents, and aunts/uncles.  A few times on scout outings they road with other adult leaders, but they were trusted adults that we knew well.  A few times with the youth group with adults we knew and trusted.

They have never really ridden much with friends or younger drivers.  It just isn't something that has come up for us.

[Ausmumof3]

My oldest has been in the car with a late teen but this is a very sensible person, not someone who is likely to do something stupid to impress. Obviously inexperience is a factor but to be honest I’d trust over other more experienced drivers. 20s is a big range, sex is a factor, and temperament. Anything like ADHD etc would make me more cautious (I hope that’s not discriminatory but it’s based on experience). 

Edited July 13, 2022 by Ausmumof3

[Ausmumof3]

As far as the driver being at fault, plenty of people have at fault collisions at any age. Most of us occasionally do things wrong when they’re driving and get away with it, it’s just that every now and then that leads to a collision

[LMD]

My dd is 17 and, being homeschooled, has friends that span a wide age range. She has just been picked up by a 21 year old friend. Some of her friends are more safe drivers than others, one just broke her collarbone in an accident about 2 months ago. I would let my dd go with that driver now, but she has learned a difficult lesson! I've let my nearly 15 year old go with some of the group drivers too, but I will say I was a bit nervous about it. I would have to think about it more with my younger kids - it would depend on the driver and where they are going. Rural roads for a long trip vs short lift on good, well lit roads etc. 

It's kind of difficult to police as they get older. I'm sorry your ds was in an accident, glad he's okay! Frightening! And I'm sorry you're bearing the brunt of the fallout. 😔

 

[Harriet Vane]

A zillion people drove them. I did the main driving, of course, or dh when he was available. Mostly it was me.

When my kids were licensed, they drove themselves, and their friends also drove them. My permission for ride sharing was based entirely on whether or not the kid in question was reliable and trustworthy. Known risky drivers were forbidden. There was a guy in his late twenties who made the mistake of speeding dangerously with my son in the car, and he was forbidden ever to drive anyone from my household. I spoke with the youth pastors about that one. Other teens who were responsible, nice kids were allowed to drive. I was open with my kids about this and they were open in telling me who was safe or not. If someone was an unsafe driver, I simply quietly worked out other options for my kids, often choosing to drive them myself or arranging for them to be in a certain person's car. I was also always willing to go pick them up from anywhere, any time rather than them feel as though they had no option except to ride with an unsafe driver. This is a topic I coached my kids on proactively, and I am proud that they engaged on it with me and made good choices.

A responsible twenty-something absolutely would have had my permission to drive.

Sometimes bad things happen, even when the driver is trying his/her best.

[Harriet Vane]

6 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

The driver was the family’s nanny.  I trust this family and I know they checked driving records and rode along several times before they let her drive their kids. She’s been driving half of carpool for the past few weeks, but the accident happened when they went out for ice cream, early Sunday evening, long before dark, technically in the city but the suburby part if that makes sense.  Nice weather. 

 

This would have been acceptable in our family. It actually seems totally fine.

Remember, bad things can happen even when a responsible person is doing their best. If she was speeding or driving recklessly, that would be different.

[maize]

8 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I'm a CPST and the odds of accident go up dramatically with the number of young drivers in the car. As of right now, if ds was offered a ride by a peer I would say no. 

https://www.parentsandkids.com/52365/parent-points-safe-kids-ms-discusses-teen-driving/

This wasn't a peer though.

[maize]

I would have let my child ride with the friend's nanny.

 

[lovinmyboys]

Yes I would let my kids ride with a friends nanny. You did nothing wrong. 

[heartlikealion]

35 minutes ago, maize said:

This wasn't a peer though.

True. And I read the original post as 20 not “20 something.” I could go either way on that. 

[KidsHappen]

Each state has rules of who and when a teenage driver can drive someone somewhere and we were pretty much if you were in compliance with the law it was ok. We would not let a bunch of teens go joy riding but we did allow kids to be the one+ rider with their friends (as allowed by law in our state). Friend's parents were ok too. A couple of mine have been in more than one accident both as drivers and passengers. You just can't plan for everything. Recently one of mine was driving by herself on the interstate. She was in the left hand lane and a deer jumped over the concrete barrier from the left and hit her mid jump. It almost totaled the car but she walked away without a scratch. I hope you ds is fine and that your hubby comes to his senses soon and realizes that you can't control everything.

[heartlikealion]

15 minutes ago, KidsHappen said:

Each state has rules of who and when a teenage driver can drive someone somewhere and we were pretty much if you were in compliance with the law it was ok. We would not let a bunch of teens go joy riding but we did allow kids to be the one+ rider with their friends (as allowed by law in our state). Friend's parents were ok too. A couple of mine have been in more than one accident both as drivers and passengers. You just can't plan for everything. Recently one of mine was driving by herself on the interstate. She was in the left hand lane and a deer jumped over the concrete barrier from the left and hit her mid jump. It almost totaled the car but she walked away without a scratch. I hope you ds is fine and that your hubby comes to his senses soon and realizes that you can't control everything.

I ordered it but haven’t put it on my car yet. You may want to look into this, too. 
Elook Deer Warning Whistles... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08B81KVJP?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

[SHP]

Outside of family members, bus drivers for sports, public transit drivers, and parents of our kid's friends.

Taking public transportation and riding bikes or walking to get where they need to go is the norm. Driving before college is very uncommon in our circle and it is hit or miss if young adults drive before they graduate college since most living on campus and not needing to. The ones who drove during college tend to be ones who needed to drive to commute home more regularly due to various reasons.

I am trying to think of early 20 somethings in my circle who are driving and now I feel old that the kids I have watched grow up are now in their 20's when it was like yesterday they had their 10th birthday. 

[kristin0713]

I'm so sorry about your son's accident and really glad that he is ok!

We are approaching the teenage driving thing now as DD 16 will be getting her permit and likely making friends that drive. It's new territory for us. At this point, I would not let her drive with a brand-new licensed driver but I would definitely let her drive with twenty-something unless I had reason to believe the person was irresponsible. I think this is just one of those things that is scary and hard but necessary. In the situation you describe, a friend's nanny that regularly drives the kids around, yes of course I would allow that.  

[mlktwins]

Me and DH mostly.  I had a couple of parents of my boys’ friends drive if necessary or to take a group of kids to their kid’s bday celebration.  I have driven a lot of their friends, including a couple of hours away to an amusement park.  I tended to be the one to drop them at the movies or a restaurant or something for a few hours. I lean more helicopter than free range mom though 😊.

I probably would not let a newer driver or early 20’s drive my kids unless an emergency.

[Drama Llama]

13 hours ago, Catwoman said:

@Baseballandhockey, I think we are all in agreement that your dh is having an extreme reaction, but given his profound grief and mental health struggles relating to your son who passed away, I can give him a little bit of a pass here, mainly because I think he's having a knee-jerk reaction to being so scared when he heard about the accident. It seems like maybe he wanted to feel like he had some kind of control over something that he secretly realizes he couldn't have controlled.

There is no way the accident could have been anticipated, but if the circumstances involved the driver being incredibly reckless (rather than this just being a mistake anyone could have made,)and you already knew the driver had a terrible driving record before you let your ds ride in the car with her (which doesn't seem to be the case at all,) I could understand why your dh would be so upset. But as it is, your dh was probably just upset and scared that your child could have been seriously injured or killed, so he needed to rant and make accusations, so he didn't feel so helpless about the whole thing.  I think he was very wrong to blame you for any part of this, but I doubt he really means he is going to try to do anything about custody.

Sending lots of hugs to you, because you shouldn't need to deal with his drama and accusations while you, too, are processing the accident. I'm sure you're very upset about it, too!!!

I do understand why he’s upset. The thought of what could have happened is hugely upsetting.  I have shed many tears over the accident.

But he needs to figure out a way to respond to things that are triggering that doesn’t retraumatize me or the kids.  

 

[EKS]

Me, my husband, my parents, and for the younger one, his older brother.  Very occasionally other kids' parents.  Various teachers and volunteer parents for school activities.

Once the younger one was going to high school, I realized very quickly that my ability to control his every move had come to an end.  So I switched to trying to ensure that his sense of who to get into a car with was reasonably refined.  And he got his license on his 16th birthday and had access to a car, so he became one of the drivers rather than one of the driven.

The older one was a different ball of wax, and so what was an issue with the younger one wasn't an issue for him.

[Catwoman]

45 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I do understand why he’s upset. The thought of what could have happened is hugely upsetting.  I have shed many tears over the accident.

But he needs to figure out a way to respond to things that are triggering that doesn’t retraumatize me or the kids.  

 

Absolutely!!! 

I can understand him wanting to discuss it with you (not blaming you, just commiserating about how scary it was,) but he shouldn’t be getting dramatic about it in front of the kids, because it could really scare them and make them worry about getting into car accidents. And if he’s trying to make the kids think you’re a bad mom for letting your son be in the car with the nanny, he is way out of line, and you should be documenting all of this!

[City Mouse]

I would have been fine with the nanny driving.

For what it is worth, My DS had 2 wrecks where he was driving alone. The first was just a few months after he started driving at 16. The second was a year later. Both vehicles were totaled because of their age. Both accidents were caused by deer or what he thought was deer.