My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

[Soror]

Prayers.

[GSOchristie]

Praying for peace and comfort for you, that you will feel God's grace.  Praying for courage and strength for your niece and her husband.  And mostly praying for your son, that he will find the correct medication and counsel for his depression, and that he will feel God's peace in his turmoil :(.

[TammyinTN]

Praying for you all.  :grouphug:

[Terabith]

I am so sorry.  Praying. 

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Heatherwith4]

Praying Rose. :grouphug:

[Ewe Mama]

Praying for you and your loved ones...

[elegantlion]

(((Rose))) Thinking of you all today. 

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:  I hope he goes to the doctor. 

 

Still praying for you and your family.  :grouphug:

[ladydusk]

Praying.

[jelbe5]

Praying.

 

Please don't take the suggestion your niece is making to heart. As you said, you have done the best you could and just keep telling yourself (and others) that. You are right - your niece has her own family and is probably exhausted. It is all too easy to think that things could/would/should be better if you had done a/b/c. That ship had sailed and there is no point in speculating as to whether or not this is correct. And I DON'T think it is.

 

It sounds as if your son is a master at sucking everything out of those around him who care about him. His RAD causes others to question themselves and others (If only we had done this . . .). The fact that he has gone from your loving home to the failed experiment with BM to the loving home of your niece speaks volumes. He is STILL having problems. This is all on him.

 

I hope this does not cause tensions between you and your niece. It was your son's choice to leave your home and the choice of your niece to take him in. I would humbly like to suggest you listen with sympathy and love but continue to remain neutral. Let them work it out, if it can be worked out. Your niece probably feels frustrated (why isn't our loving, stable home enough?). It is probably easier to think things would have been better if you as parents had done some things differently rather than face the fact that the problems with your son are bigger than she can handle alone. Perhaps she is beginning to realize she might not be able to allow him to stay with her if things don't improve. And that is a sad thought to have.

 

(((Hugs)))

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  Your niece is likely experiencing the demise of a rescue fantasy as she realizes that she cannot "fix" him.  This causes frustration as people realize their own limits, and they look around (often unconsciously) for someone else to blame.  The alternative is that some things aren't fixable.  I will pray for you.  (((hugs)))

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[maize]

nm 

 

[Rose in BC]

Thanks everyone. I got some sleep last night but I am still sad this morning. I will talk with my niece this morning to see how things are going today.

 

RAD is such a difficult thing. I mean our eldest son also has FASD but he doesn't have RAD. He is difficult enough (but he is well connected to us which gives us some hope we can work through his issues (or I'm really naive and just hoping).

 

Today is a new day....

[Corraleno]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:   given what he said on the phone to you at the beginning, this IS an RAD success story.  somewhere in there he knows that you love him, and he knows that he misses you... :grouphug:

 

i hope your niece heard the love and understanding in you when you suggested that looking for another path forward may be necessary....

 

no one promised easy, but my goodness, could it be just a little less hard?  just a little?

 

:grouphug:

ann

[SKL]

The good thing is that he must realize by now that his problems are not rooted in your home, but are going to follow him until he figures out how to confront them.  I think it's always going to be hard, but hard isn't the end of the world.  I hope he finds the strength within him to fight, sooner rather than later.  Hugs to you and him and all involved.

[celticmom]

:grouphug:

[idnib]

Hugs and prayers, Rose.

[Scarlett]

(((Rose)))

[Liz CA]

Not all that surprising really IMHO. He must be ever so confused. He has now found his biological mother but it was not the perfect situation; he knows he belongs to your family but he may be ambiguous about where his loyalties should lie. Can you arrange a GOOD counselor who is experienced with teens and adoption? This may be a tunnel through which he has to pass to come out stronger on the other end. Definitely arrange for counseling and make him go - after all he is only 15 and he is silently screaming for help.

[Mango]

As parents It's hard to know if our actions & decisions are right at the time we make them. It's only in looking back that we can see progress. Sometimes its more like peeling an onion, one stinky layer at a time.  Unfortunately it doesn't help us when we're in the middle of a child drama. 

 

Your son HAS made progress. It may not be in the positive yet, but he has figured some relationships/things that have been holding him back. 

 

Letting go, healing, and moving on are all separate steps that HE has to make. 

 

Time and experience will give your niece the insight that you have now. Her hurtful words were from her perspective, not from experience. 

 

You are one of the bravest, toughest, most loving parents I know. I admire that you're willing to let him make decisions because you know he needs the big mess he's made in order to learn how to be at peace with his past.  I hope and pray that when I am in this situation (we have adopted 5 children) that I will be as careful and thoughtful as you have been. Thank you for reminding me that it isn't about how my children make me feel about myself because of their successes or challenges. 

 

Time for some personal TLC so you can take a deep breath before jumping back into it.  :grouphug:

 

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[SproutMamaK]

:grouphug:  Can I ask how the talk with your niece went yesterday?

[bobbeym]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You and yours are in my prayers Rose.

[Susan in TN]

:grouphug:  and prayers

[Halftime Hope]

Oh, Rose.  I'm so sorry.  We all do the best we can, and that's what you all did.  I have to say that the "it wasn't enough" just made me so sad for you.  I think the truth is that sometimes there are situations in which there is no "enough".  Some things just can't be "fixed" and sometimes all our love is not enough as parents.  Soemtimes, a child's "love bucket" has holes bigger than our ability to pour in love, or wisdom, or counsel.  {{{Rose}}}   be good to yourself.  You all have given everything you had. 

[PollyOR]

Rose, thinking about you this evening.  :grouphug:

[lovinmomma]

Rose, thinking about you this evening.  :grouphug:

 

Ditto

[Mama Geek]

Ditto

[Renee in NC]

Not all that surprising really IMHO. He must be ever so confused. He has now found his biological mother but it was not the perfect situation; he knows he belongs to your family but he may be ambiguous about where his loyalties should lie. Can you arrange a GOOD counselor who is experienced with teens and adoption? This may be a tunnel through which he has to pass to come out stronger on the other end. Definitely arrange for counseling and make him go - after all he is only 15 and he is silently screaming for help.

 

Unfortunately, you can't make a 15yo go to counseling.  Counseling only works if the person is willing and wants to change.

 

(((Rose)))  I cannot imagine the heartache.

[QuirkyKapers]

Rose, still thinking about you.  I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving!

[Live2Ride]

Prayers here Rose.

[Guest submarines]

Merry Christmas, Rose! Thinking of you and your family. I hope there are at least glimpses of peace. :grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

Merry Christmas, Rose. You have had a hard year, I hope you and your family have a cozy Christmas.

[OK Family]

Yes Merry Christmas! Your a strong Momma! I wish you the best this Holiday season.

[Laurie4b]

Yes, Merry Christmas!  Grace and peace to you! May joy find you!

[Joanne]

I need some serious prayer tonight. My niece called to say my ds is rock bottom, depressed. I believe it. I think he's been suffering from depression at least all his teen years.

 

I am very down about this. And, In my conversation with her I felt a bit like she was implying that some of the choices we made in parenting contribute to his current demise. I know she is exhausted. I mean she has three young children herself. I know she's probably at her wits end.

 

We did the best that we could and it wasn't good enough.

 

Tomorrow she is going to try and take him to dr.

 

I did reconfirm with my niece that she can't save him. That maybe we have to seek out another plan.

 

 

{{hugs}}

 

I know you know the information I am about tot post, but I wanted to remind you.

 

You did NOT create this. If you had any impact at all, it was a mitigating effect - not a contributing one.

 

His BRAIN was changed by trauma. The way in which it was changed sustains the impact through repetitive neural pathways. His impacted brain processes life a certain way, and his mental framework/worldview processess information a certain way. This all reinforces the flawed functioning of a sick brain.

 

His depression and prediliction towards drugs (and likely alcohol) is from a genetic predisposition. His brain trauma (abandonment and the same basis for the RAD) make the substance abuse more likey. You COULD NOT HAVE PARENTED this "out of him."

 

Yes, he's a risky mess. No, you didn't create it or make it worse.

 

It must be very challenging to have some personal safe space with your neice while knowing you need him to stay there.

 

Thinking of you.

[JennifersLost]

Thinking of you, Rose - hope things smooth out for you guys. Lots of hugs - this isn't about "fault"; this is about what do you do today. Or what does he do today. Ultimately, it is his life.

[StephanieZ]

Any update? I think of you and your family often and wonder how your son is and how your family has fared. Best wishes...

[Spryte]

I think of you often, too.

[UmMusa]

I've thought about Rose and her son, too.

[Rose in BC]

Good morning everyone.  I do have a bit of an update.

 

My last update had my son living with my niece and family.  Interesting one of my final posts on this topic talked about my niece implying we were the problem for my son.  On Boxing day that year we got a phone call from my niece screaming that my son had gotten into an altercation with her husband (hmm, hmm) and broke her husband's glasses.  Well by then six months had passed and honestly we didn't really know what to do.  So, i called social services, who's advice we had been taking all along and told them they had to find emergency shelter for my boy (remember he was 1800 km away from us).  That turned into months of crazy.  We were looking for mental health services for our son social services were trying to wash their hands of situation.  (FYI, My niece eventually apologized to me saying she had no idea the seriousness of my son's mental health and that indeed she had thought it was just a parenting conflict.)

 

The problem we had was we knew too much had happened in the six months boy was away from us that made him coming home unsafe for our other children.

 

Anyway, fast forward he's been in a group home for past years, diagnosed with schizophrenia (on top of his former reactive attachment disorder and oppositional defiance disorder).  We heard from him occasionally in first year but calls were very traumatic . . . spewing all kinds of vile things at us.  The only two "kind" things he every said was "well one thing you were a good cook" and "I shouldn't have gone to meet (birthmother)".

 

That first year after his relationship with my niece ended was horrible.  Like a death only we knew he wasn't dead.  We kind of knew where he was but he had told social worker not to tell us anything and in our Province kids over the age of 12 have the right to impose those kind of restrictions.

 

Fast forward. . . .9 months ago we left the town i was born in and raised our children.  We needed a new start. (Remember aside from the son i'm talking about here, we also have another boy with FASD and a whole host of specialness (but he is well attached).  Honestly I can't believe my husband and i are still married through all our stress.  Anyway we moved to a community we knew (at least reasonably knew) was less than 2 hours away from where we last knew our son lived.

 

Late November 2016 (two weeks after he turned 19)  I received a text "Hi, this is (son's name".  I was shocked.  Like a big shock to my body.  And scared.  Like why now was he contacting us after years of no contact.  So i responded cautiously.  A few texts back and forth followed by a text the next day asking for $10.  I almost died.  Was he only after money.  It was killing me because i wanted to continue the dialogue but my husband and I didn't know anything about him and did not want to set ourselves up as a bank for him.  So after a few hours I replied "no to money but next time dad and I are in (his town) we'd be happy to take you out for a meal".  So two weeks later we connected with him and invited him out to lunch.  We were terrified . . . our families were terrified too but probably for different reasons.  But we saw him for the first time in years.  My mother's heart wanted to grab and hug him but that didn't happen.  We had a pleasant meal.  He is quite medicated for his mental health issues (which he readily talked about).  He tried to shock us with stories of drug use and other things but we've experienced so many things with our other special child that nothing can shock us . . which actually diffused the situation very quickly.  He looks kind of the same.  A bit heavier.  I noticed things like his nails were dirty but overall he looked pretty good.

 

As we left town, I texted him saying "dad and I were so happy to see you today and would love to take you out again some time."   He responded with "cool.  okay."

 

And that was the last we've heard from him.

 

I've texted a couple times with no response but he knows how to connect with us so I'll continue to text occasionally but the whole things seems like a dream. . . did it really happen.  As bittersweet as the whole thing has been (meeting him) it was SO good to see him and a much better ending than when he got on the plane to connect with his birthmother.

 

So that's my high level update.  (FYI the first year after he left was filled with all kinds of drama . . . if my boy only knew how much we advocated for him to make sure he was not homeless and/or hungry. . . )

Edited February 11, 2017 by Rose in BC

[MooCow]

Thank you for updating, I have thought of you and your son very often.

[idnib]

I've been thinking of you as well. Thank you so much for the update.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

And thanks to Stephanie for asking.

[DawnM]

Continuing thoughts and prayers.  I know it is rough.   Hang in there mama.

[Ailaena]

:grouphug: Thank you for the update, I hope you can all continue to heal.

Edited February 11, 2017 by Ailaena

[Guest]

Thank you for the update. You have come through so much. (®)

[OneStepAtATime]

Thank you for the update.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: