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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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:grouphug:

 

and when the social services money starts flowing, she will call and say it is not enough. It sounds like you handled the conversation well. I do not think I could have been the least bit rational in that circumstance. 

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Rose,

I am sending hugs to you again and prayers that your son will see how these people are and return home to you and for peace for you and your family.

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Stay strong! God has bigger plans than any of us can see. He will not abandoned you. So sorry that you are going through all of this. You are doing the right thing. Give them nothing.

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I don't think I would be paying for anything. I would not pay for shoes either. They wanted him, they can support him. I was giving my mom major issues as a teen. I took off over and over. At first she did send money and stuff but I still treated her bad. Finally she was done and while it ticked me off it was the best thing she could have done. I would take no more calls from her either and if your son starts in with that, if you were my real mother stuff I would say well your with her let her buy your stuff tell him you love him and hang up. There is no pleasing people like that. I can't believe she had the nerve to call you. What a piece of work. You have done all you can now I would just try to concentrate on the kids at home and getting back to a new normal. I hope you feel better soon  

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Rose: I  believe that you should never aid them financially, in any way. To clarify, I do not believe that you should send them money, or, that your sister should buy shoes or food, or anything else for him. Let them (and Social Services) provide what he needs. I am sending you gentle hugs from Colombia

 

P.S.

Very sorry about the death of your friend. My wife's best friend died, last November, of Breast Cancer that spread to other areas of her body, She was several years younger than my wife.

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Rose. Don't send them any money and please be gentle with your self. She wants your son but can't support him for a week. What a mess.

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This is so sad. It seems like they wanted him to come live there just so they could have another income source, you:(. All the while they're poisoning him more and more against you. They're probably telling him things like' ,if she really loved you she'd send money for xyz". Your son does not see that they're just using him to try to get money from you. Such a hard place for you to be in. I hope your son is able to see what they're doing soon.

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Again thanks for all the care and concern.

 

The birthmother will get room and board directly with he getting a small allowance for needs I.e. clothes. They will give him money twice weekly so that he doesn't have a large chunk to blow at one time.

 

It's been a very draining week and if you can believe it this afternoon I went to a funeral of a friend of mine only two years older than me. She died of cancer diagnosed nine months ago. It's a reminder of how short life is. And I don't want to waste my life. I've spent a lot of time this summer grieving. Even today I feel drained.

 

I want to wake up tomorrow with a fresh start. And not feel guilt that we couldn't meet all his needs.

 

It's going to take some effort.

And this is the real reason she wanted him back. 

 

How is social services tracking that he actually gets his money? 

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Rose. Don't send them any money and please be gentle with your self. She wants your son but can't support him for a week. What a mess.

:iagree:

 

I would inform social services of this last phone call.  You offered to buy your son shoes directly and offered food, but that was not acceptable to her.  That is another huge red flag. My bet is if you sent money to this woman, your son would still be in need of new shoes because I highly doubt the money would be spent on buying your son the shoes he needs.

 

How is social services going to be able to assure that your son will have his needs met with the money this woman will be given?  I am concerned she will be spending the money that is supposed to be for your son on herself instead.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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It sounds like it's time to have an adult conversation with your son.  Something basic but straightforward along the lines of "We want you here and want to take care of you.  If you don't want to be here we won't force you to come home but we also can't send money because we have no way to ensure it is used for your needs.  We have arranged for social services to provide money for housing and food to your birthmother for you.  We have also arranged to have your aunt available to take you out to purchase shoes, food, etc directly for yourself if you need those things.  You are our family and we will always do what we can to take care of you."

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Definitely inform social services of this call. It should be written directly into the case plan that birth mom is not allowed to ever approach you for money. At the least social services needs to be aware of this dynamic and it should be noted specifically in the file.

 

 

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How has she been feeding him all these weeks? You finally set something up whereSS will give him money, but she suddenly needs more than that sooner? What was she using to pay to feed him before this?

 

Make sure SS knows this conversation

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Rose,  :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Our lives turned into a bad Lifetime movie a few years ago, due to a situation with birthfamily, and it was an all-consuming nightmare.  I hope that you can find a small space of peace every day, a time when you can just be you, without the agony and stress this is bringing into your life.   :grouphug:

 

 

Definitely inform social services of this call. It should be written directly into the case plan that birth mom is not allowed to ever approach you for money. At the least social services needs to be aware of this dynamic and it should be noted specifically in the file.

 

I agree with this completely (and many other posts above).  Maybe you can call social services today and talk to someone.  They should be aware of this new development.  

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You, your family and son have been on my heart in prayer.  Praying for discernment for all.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

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You, your family and son have been on my heart in prayer.  Praying for discernment for all.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

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I am so sorry. This is horrible. This woman is a manipulative user - not only towards you but to your son.

 

Your son has made a choice and it is time to live with the choice. You have made arrangements for him to be provided for. I would let him know that if he wants more he needs to return home.

 

Social Services should let both the birth mom and son know not to contact you directly for money any more.

 

What drama . . . what a scam . . .

 

It might take your son a while to see what's up with birth mom - his anger will be directed at you for not immediately jumping to send cash. But I think the only way for him to see the reality is for you to be unavailable for a while. It might be time to lay it down - let him know you have done all you can and you love him but you don't need to speak further unless he wants to come home to stay. And even then, perhaps he should only come home if he agrees to some major changes.

 

I am so sorry . . .

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My heart is so heavy when reading your updates.   I'm so sorry you're going through such a horrible ordeal.  Keeping you in my prayers and hoping you get a reprieve from all of this.   

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Rose, I wish there was something we could do.  Smiley hugs just don't seem like enough.  But still  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: , you have a whole community loving, praying and supporting you.

 

Are you reporting all these contacts from the bio-mom to Social Services?  They need to know what they're dealing with.

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Rose, is there any way you can record these calls? I'm so sorry for the mess you are in. What a horrible woman!

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

In a way, it is easier now. If she was acting friendly but asking for money, it would put you in an awkward position. With her hostile phone call, she has established herself as an opponent, not a teammate in the raising of your son.

 

I agree with everyone else regarding alerting social services, and establishing strong boundaries to protect yourself.  She gets no extra money EVER.  The structures you have put in place for the support of your son are more than adequate, and if the birth family or your son do not like the terms, your son is always welcome to come back TO YOU.  Please do not feel guilty about establishing these firm boundaries.  You would do your son great harm to underwrite his stay with his unstable and dysfunctional birth family.  If that family unit is to function, it must stand on its own (with some help from social services).  If it can't function without your money, then it's unsustainable. Period.

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It sounds like it's time to have an adult conversation with your son.  Something basic but straightforward along the lines of "We want you here and want to take care of you.  If you don't want to be here we won't force you to come home but we also can't send money because we have no way to ensure it is used for your needs.  We have arranged for social services to provide money for housing and food to your birthmother for you.  We have also arranged to have your aunt available to take you out to purchase shoes, food, etc directly for yourself if you need those things.  You are our family and we will always do what we can to take care of you."

this. You need to make it clear to your son that you will provide for him, but on your terms. This way he can't say "you won't buy me shoes". Because you have said you will, when his Aunt takes him shopping. You will totally buy him shoes. His birth mom will not. He needs to see that dichotomy, so I think you are doing the exact right thing.

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Absolutely don't give them money.  If you get a chance to talk to him alone, it might be worth pointing out to him that his birth mother is using him to blackmail you.  Make sure you tell CPS (your local one and the one where your son is) about this conversation if you haven't already.  Do not answer the phone in future when she calls, and if she is put on the line simply say "I will only speak to you with a CPS rep present or listening in" and hang up.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

In a way, it is easier now. If she was acting friendly but asking for money, it would put you in an awkward position. With her hostile phone call, she has established herself as an opponent, not a teammate in the raising of your son.

 

I agree with everyone else regarding alerting social services, and establishing strong boundaries to protect yourself. She gets no extra money EVER. The structures you have put in place for the support of your son are more than adequate, and if the birth family or your son do not like the terms, your son is always welcome to come back TO YOU. Please do not feel guilty about establishing these firm boundaries. You would do your son great harm to underwrite his stay with his unstable and dysfunctional birth family. If that family unit is to function, it must stand on its own (with some help from social services). If it can't function without your money, then it's unsustainable. Period.

Rose, I know that there are circumstances and convictions that direct and restrict your choices, and that social services may require that SS funds be paid to the birth mom, but the statement above makes much sense.

 

I have wondered, why doesn't social services channel funds to your sister instead of the bio mom? I see that the money for clothing and such may have to be separated from room and board, but if your sis is the one who will take him shopping for clothes and maybe school supplies, shouldn't she be the one getting that payment or reimbursement directly from social services?

 

Time and truth walk hand in hand. One day the truth will come to light. Prayers for your perseverance until that day.

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Kids with RAD have an amazing ability to twist and interpret EVERYTHING you do as a negative for them. Ask me about the pajama incident ...

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Kids with RAD have an amazing ability to twist and interpret EVERYTHING you do as a negative for them. Ask me about the pajama incident ...

 

inquiring minds....   

 

Tara, I've forgotten, isn't your RAD child now grown, or nearly there?

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Rose, I haven't replied, figuring you needed prayers on this more than anything I could say. 

 

I'm going to slip on my devil's advocate hat, and suggest something I'm not sure has been covered.  You love the boy, and you are willing to have his aunt take him shopping for shoes. 

 

However, maybe SS can help your cause by doing something a bit differently.  If they will earmark a specific amount of money for shoes and school necessities, and the rest for room and board, so that (theoretically) the boy gets provided for without undergoing any hardship, and if social services meets with the boy and the birth mom, and turns over funds to her but makes sure the boy knows that (hypothetically) $150 of that is for his shoes and school supplies, while the rest is for his upkeep, that would give the birth mom an opportunity to do the right thing OR to hang herself in his eyes.  

 

She might know what she should do, but bringing herself to do it might be tougher. 

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That's the kind of behavior I would expect from someone whose parental rights were dissolved (if I'm remembering that part correctly?)--but I'm still sorry she showed her true colors and proved she hasn't changed. I'm so angry for you!

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People, I just about lost it. I picked up the phone tonight and birthmom was on the other end. It startled me. I have talked three times with her before...all before ds left.

 

The boy needs shoes. I knew that because he called Saturday to inform me that if I was his real mother I would want to send money for shoes.

 

Well no. I don't want to send money. But i did phone my sister who is relatively close and asked her if she would take him shoe shopping. Absolutely. She gave me the days she was available. I forwarded information to son.

 

Well that's not good enough according to birthmom. And he needs food too. The money that we arranged through social services doesn't start flowing until next week. Well my sister is willing to feed him too. Nope, not good enough.

 

That turned into 45 minutes of hell. (I had the sense to FaceTime my sister for her to listen in case i wasn't objective).

 

She told me I was legally obligated to provide for him. I assured her we would care for him if he was living its us. Nope. No matter where he wants to live I need to financially support him. I told her that made no sense. If my dd suddenly wanted to move to Toronto I would have to facilitate that?

 

It was bad.

 

My sister was signaling to shut it down. So I told her that our next conversation would be with social services on line.

 

I am a bit rattled. (And rambling. I just needed to vent.)

 

I definitely would not just send money to support his entire birth family (which is what it seems they are looking for). 

 

You will buy him shoes; you won't send him money. You will happily feed and house him at home. You won't send him money. I would just keep hammering home that you won't send him money. You support children who live at home, not kids who are essentially runaway teenagers.

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Wow.. That is so horrible. I also will not send money.

I can't believe that woman dare to ask you for money. What kind of low live

 

You handle everything well, and you know what you need to do.

Hugs...

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Do you think they might come after you for child support? It seems crazy, but this whole thing seems crazy.

That was my first thought as well. You need a lawyer, now.

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I've been reading your posts for a while, Rose, and I want you to know that I think you're handling this with wisdom and courage, and I wish you all of the compassion and good sense and peace that you can have in the middle of all of this.

 

Remember to be kind to yourself. You're a GOOD MOTHER!

 

My thoughts and heart are with you.

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Rose, if you ever want this to end, do not send any money to that horrible woman!!!

 

BUT... you also need to be strong and NOT buy your ds shoes, or food, or clothes, and you need to be sure your sister doesn't buy them, either. If your ds needs those things and his bio mom refuses to provide them, he's out of luck, or he can come back home to you. Period. End of story.

 

If you give even an inch, this woman will demand more and more.

 

And you should also specify that you will not speak with her unless a social services person is on the line with you.

 

Don't get sucked into the blackmail and the drama.

 

Don't feel guilty or like you're a bad mom for not buying shoes for your boy. He says he wants to be his bio mom's boy; let him find out exactly what that is like. Don't step in and try to save the day.

 

I know it will be heart wrenching, but your ds needs to see his bio mom's true colors. Or else he needs to stay with her and deal with a rotten home life where he doesn't even get the necessities he needs until either the truth finally dawns on him... or until bio mom realizes her Evil Master Plan isn't working, and she packs your ds up and sends him back to you.

 

I know I sound incredibly mean, but I can't think of any other way for you to handle this, that won't end up as a lifetime of misery and obligation to a rotten, evil woman who sees your ds as nothing more than a meal ticket.

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BUT... you also need to be strong and NOT buy your ds shoes, or food, or clothes, and you need to be sure your sister doesn't buy them, either. If your ds needs those things and his bio mom refuses to provide them, he's out of luck, or he can come back home to you. Period. End of story.

 

If you give even an inch, this woman will demand more

 

Absolutely agree with this

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Guest submarines

.. you also need to be strong and NOT buy your ds shoes, or food, or clothes, and you need to be sure your sister doesn't buy them, either. If your ds needs those things and his bio mom refuses to provide them, he's out of luck, or he can come back home to you. Period. End of story.

I agree 100%, but my reasoning is different from Catwoman's.

 

No matter how much you want to help him out in each particular instance, you need to look at the bigger picture. By giving money to your DS you, in fact, give your support and agreement to the situation. This has disastrous consequences.

 

You can love him and show your love without telling him (through your actions) that you support him in his decision to live with his bio mom.

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Whew! I am happy that SS is communicating and working with you. I hope tomorrow is a nice day for your son and your sister and you can get some good feedback on how he is doing.  I agree with buying the shoes for now and just seeing how things play out in the future.  

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: continued hugs, prayers for clarity and less stress for your family  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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I hope none of the bio family insists on going shopping with your sister and your ds.

 

Your sister should be prepared to walk away if they insist on coming along. If she is going to be paying for the shoes and the food, that should give her some leverage.

 

I'm not at all sure why your sister should be buying food, though.

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I hope none of the bio family insists on going shopping with your sister and your ds.

 

Your sister should be prepared to walk away if they insist on coming along. If she is going to be paying for the shoes and the food, that should give her some leverage.

 

I'm not at all sure why your sister should be buying food, though.

Good advice about walking away. My sister is a pretty tough cookie (she's 8 years older than me :)). I think she'll make a raucas if he doesn't come alone.

 

The food isn't necessary for sure...I just can't not let my sister get a little fresh produce etc. maybe we're being too soft but next week when I know he's getting money we won't be buying anything.

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Rose, how validating for you! I am glad that social services is on top of things and have spoken and acted in a way that supports what will be best for you and, in the long run, your ds. What a blessing to have a sister like yours.

 

Sleep in peace tonight!

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