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My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update


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You may remember my 15 yr old ds found his birthmother on Facebook in May. Well she sent him a plane ticket and he is going to see her July 4th.

 

As time ticks closer i can see the stress building in him but he's insistent on going. Honestly I won't be surprised if he changes his mind at last minute, which we would fully support.

 

I guess we'll see Thursday. I'm drained from the drama already but there could be a lot more ahead.

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Will he be chaperoned by anyone? So scary! I'm sure you've set up safeguards for him like a place to stay, money for food, prearranged transportation if thing go bad. I'd make sure he programmed the cab company in his phone in case he needed to get out of bad situation.

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Will he be chaperoned by anyone? So scary! I'm sure you've set up safeguards for him like a place to stay, money for food, prearranged transportation if thing go bad. I'd make sure he programmed the cab company in his phone in case he needed to get out of bad situation.

 

I agree. Might not be needed, but this would be scary to me!!

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My middle ds recently accompanied a buddy of his on a trip to meet the buddy's birth mother. If your ds decides to go, I hope his experience is as positive as buddy's was.

 

Good to hear his experience was positive. From what I do know about birth mom, I'm not so sure this will be the case in this scenario.

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Will he be chaperoned by anyone? So scary! I'm sure you've set up safeguards for him like a place to stay, money for food, prearranged transportation if thing go bad. I'd make sure he programmed the cab company in his phone in case he needed to get out of bad situation.

 

No, because neither he nor birthmother wanted anyone to accompany him. Social Services in that city will check in on him (upon my insistence). We have a "kit" ready...foo gift cards, phone numbers, maps, etc.

 

My sister lives two hours away and is on stand-by.

 

The worst thing? At this moment my son, who is very stressed out about this but would never admit it, has declared his hatred towards me. I know it's symbolic because I am the mother (a natural target for RAD kids) but it hurts. I took the week off of work thinking I could make some special meals etc, leading up to departure day but its not going quite as rosy as I had dreamed.

 

It's been a tough few days.

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You should probably be prepared (and prepare your son) for them pressuring him/you to reimburse them for the amount of the ticket. (I say that because I remember them pressuring you to pay for tickets before.)

 

We are. She only sent him a one way.

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I don't know you, but wanted to add my support. I can only imagine how stressful things are for you and your family right now.

 

Well done with the contingency planning; it's nice that your sister is only two hours away and willing to help.

 

Best wishes for a safe, positive, and uneventful trip!

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Well that sounds like an uncomfortable situation. Have you already purchased his return ticket? Is there a possibility he will decide to stay there since his relationship with you is not great right now? I think the insistence that no one accompany him would be a red flag for me. That would scare me. :grouphug:

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One way? What is the end game/exit strategy? I have zero experience with anything like this but that seems like an enormous amount of pressure for your son to decided when he's had enough of his birth mother--whether the visit is going well or not. Or, worst of all, if it's not great but not bad and he wants to keep giving it "just a few more days."

 

Is there any hope of chatting with him and setting up a definite end day for a reasonably short amount of time?

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What a difficult situation. A back-up and (no questions asked) exit plan sound like a must have in this situation; I'd even go so far as to have a code word set in place. His b-mom doesn't sound stable to me and we don't want him to be afraid of her hearing and reacting badly.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with both of you.

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So he's getting on a plane to stay with strangers? Will he be in their house? Or a hotel room? I guess not a hotel room since he's not old enough to get a car to drive from their house to a hotel. For how long?

 

I don't understand this. The initial meeting could be highly emotional. After about an hour he may be emotionally exhausted. But instead of saying, "I need to leave and process this and maybe come back next week," he'll be stuck there 24/7? With no place to retreat to? For how many days?

 

I think this is a bad plan. This sort of emotional meeting should be done an hour or two at a time with a safe place to retreat to between meetings.

 

Are they going to try to steal him--to want him to live with them, from now on?

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:grouphug: Have been wondering how things were going for you and DS. Hoping that this turns into a positive in some way. And hoping that there is a clear and comfortable plan for purchasing that return ticket.

 

One small thing... very small, and it might not apply, since it is from my experience with a non-RAD kid... DSS would often get crabby and irritable before going to see his biomom. He would misbehave and pick arguments. Our family therapist explained that it was easier to leave mad, than to just leave. Does that make sense? So if DS is irritable and picking arguments, and things are not rosy, that might be part of the reason. For our non-RAD kid, we waited for a moment when he was not upset and talked to him in a general way about it, not really putting the onus on him, but in a general sort of way. He got it pretty quickly, as he was fairly emotionally astute. I'm not sure you have time for that conversation, or that it would be appropriate right now, but thought that it might help you not to take things personally while he is stressed and getting ready to go. He may be trying to create a situation in which leaving is preferable to staying. You probably know that already, though. :)

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We are. She only sent him a one way.

 

 

 

 

That right there tells you she has NO PLANS to send him back, this is not going to look good on you that you allowed him to go with only a 1 way ticket when it ends up in court, it makes it look like you intended for him to go live with his birth family.

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:grouphug: :grouphug:

I don't suppose there is any hope of him visiting her, transferring all the blame to her and coming home to appreciate all you've done for him?

 

I'm sorry you've been put in this difficult predicament. I hope something good will come out of it. :grouphug:

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That right there tells you she has NO PLANS to send him back, this is not going to look good on you that you allowed him to go with only a 1 way ticket when it ends up in court, it makes it look like you intended for him to go live with his birth family.

 

 

What a scary situation throughout. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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That right there tells you she has NO PLANS to send him back, this is not going to look good on you that you allowed him to go with only a 1 way ticket when it ends up in court, it makes it look like you intended for him to go live with his birth family.

 

 

Whoa. What makes you think this will end up in court? That's a genuine question.

 

I hope, for OP's sake, that this doesn't go there. Certainly, the birthmother has no legal standing, unlike a noncustodial parent.

 

 

ETA: I think that my, "whoa," came across as aimed at BlueTaelon, and it wasn't. It was "whoa" of "oh, I had not thought of that!" ...Are you thinking that the birthfamily will try to regain their parental rights? That is a frightening thought, but I don't think they can do that at this point.

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I feel like I don't have a place to say anything, and I don't know all the details, but on the other hand, you are posting this in a public forum... This seems very unsafe and like a bad idea. Why are you allowing your CHILD to travel alone to stay with a family you do not know?? I sense that you are fearful that he will go on his own, but fear cannot be your guiding light in raising a child. You clearly have concerns as well.

 

I'm sorry if this offends or concerns you more, but I am worried for your son as well!

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I feel like I don't have a place to say anything, and I don't know all the details, but on the other hand, you are posting this in a public forum... This seems very unsafe and like a bad idea. Why are you allowing your CHILD to travel alone to stay with a family you do not know?? I sense that you are fearful that he will go on his own, but fear cannot be your guiding light in raising a child. You clearly have concerns as well.

 

I'm sorry if this offends or concerns you more, but I am worried for your son as well!

 

 

I've been thinking about this since the first thread. I don't have any answers. I feel for the OP.

 

OP, what if it was a stranger your son met on-line who befriended him and sent him a one-way ticket. Would you have allowed the trip?

 

I think hollyh is right--this decision can't be guided by fear. If you know it isn't the right thing for your DS to do, you need to protect him from it.

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Whoa. What makes you think this will end up in court? That's a genuine question.

 

I hope, for OP's sake, that this doesn't go there. Certainly, the birthmother has no legal standing, unlike a noncustodial parent.

 

 

ETA: I think that my, "whoa," came across as aimed at BlueTaelon, and it wasn't. It was "whoa" of "oh, I had not thought of that!" ...Are you thinking that the birthfamily will try to regain their parental rights? That is a frightening thought, but I don't think they can do that at this point.

 

 

 

Yes I do believe they will try to regain parental rights or at the very least make the OP take them to court to force them to give back her son. I have seen this happen in my own family is its very much on my radar as a possibility. At the very least I think the OP will have a difficult time getting her son back from his birth family based on her posts as they have made their intention to keep him clear with statements to the effect of "you had your time with him, now its our turn to get him" and the birth family not wanting his current family which is all he has known to come with him. They are removing his emotional support system which will make him easier to control.

 

We can have life changing events very rapidly that will define who we are for life and I get the feeling this experience for this young man will be one of them.

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Yes I do believe they will try to regain parental rights or at the very least make the OP take them to court to force them to give back her son. I have seen this happen in my own family is its very much on my radar as a possibility. At the very least I think the OP will have a difficult time getting her son back from his birth family based on her posts as they have made their intention to keep him clear with statements to the effect of "you had your time with him, now its our turn to get him" and the birth family not wanting his current family which is all he has known to come with him. They are removing his emotional support system which will make him easier to control.

 

We can have life changing events very rapidly that will define who we are for life and I get the feeling this experience for this young man will be one of them.

 

 

 

Not that I "like" this, but I share these same concerns given previous threads.

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Rose, I don't want to add to your fears, but after reading this thread and thinking about it...I'm going to suggest you, your husband or a sibling /friend go with him. I'm thinking you could present it as a stay with your sister and a potential place for a possible break or a safety net for him.

 

I also agree a call to an attorney may be necessary. You must be feeling so drained and overwhelmed, and I'm really, really sorry you and your family are going through this. :grouphug:

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So he's getting on a plane to stay with strangers? Will he be in their house? Or a hotel room? I guess not a hotel room since he's not old enough to get a car to drive from their house to a hotel. For how long?

 

I don't understand this. The initial meeting could be highly emotional. After about an hour he may be emotionally exhausted. But instead of saying, "I need to leave and process this and maybe come back next week," he'll be stuck there 24/7? With no place to retreat to? For how many days?

 

I think this is a bad plan. This sort of emotional meeting should be done an hour or two at a time with a safe place to retreat to between meetings.

 

Are they going to try to steal him--to want him to live with them, from now on?

 

 

 

Oh it's a bad plan completely opposite to what we wanted to do. We had offered to take him on our summer vacation. Birthmother, in not uncertain terms, said she didn't want that. We have three adopted children, two of them would never go for a plan like this but my ds 15 has attachment disorder and oppositional defiance disorder...we have struggled with him since day one. And he doesn't take ANY advice from us.

 

We have involved social services who have been in contact with birthmother. They will check in with ds once he's there.

 

I don't have to think does she want him to stay, I KNOW she does. She told me (she is bi-polar and schizophrenic) that we've had him 12 years, now it's her turn. My ds says he has no intention of staying longer than a week. I'm not sure what will happen. As soon as he boards plane we'll book return (I still have a small inkling he may not go).

 

Socials services council told us we should let him go. Given his FASD, ODD and RAD they think we'd make things worse(its pretty bad now, not sure how much worse it could be).

 

I am very worried. Believe you me, I understand comments that refer to him being fifteen and that we are his parents so we should have more control of situation. A child with RAD is a whole different ball game. They don't think conventionally and they don't have a normal bond of trust. They do what they want, when they want.

 

I am not happy with situation but we're trying to make the best of it.

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