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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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You are so strong for hanging in there.  I would be sorely tempted to go get him and just hug him.   :grouphug:

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You are so strong for hanging in there. I would be sorely tempted to go get him and just hug him. :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

Still thinking of you every day, Rose. :grouphug:

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School starts after labour day. You are all very kind. Truth is we're flying by the seat of our pants. Who really knows what the right thing to do is? I had one day this week where I obsessed with getting in the car and going to him. At this point my dh and I agree we need to allow him to stay until he comes to the point of recognizing he needs to come home.

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We're feeling a bit forlorn today. I can't seem to accomplish anything (well I did clean bathroom).

 

My ds visited my adult niece yesterday. For six hours. With his birth sister and her boyfriend. My sister popped in for about half hour to see him.

 

My sister called to say he looks fine. He told her " it's weird visiting here without Rose". Seriously he called me Rose to my sister. I'm having a really hard time with that one. I'm trying to remember he's a young kid and that his newly found family was in room but none the less, it hurts.

 

Later my niece called me. She said the visit went well. They had arranged to meet in a local park. Was going to invite them over for supper. They were able to have a serious discussion but always with sister and her boyfriend in room. Long story short, my niece is getting a feeling he doesn't want to come back home. (I told her to be honest with me. We've been through so much we're prepared for anything). She doesn't know that, just her gut. (Well he did ask my niece what his legal rights were.) My niece also mentioned that sister seemed balanced and did sometimes side with us...like when he complained about us, she'd back us up as parents making best choices possible.

 

My niece actually thinks my son is more interested in relationship with the sister than the mom.

 

He will be in same town as my niece for another week he said. They're going to get together again.

 

Our circumstances are so difficult. It'd be easy to say make him come home. It would not necessarily be best decision for safety of our family (remember RAD). It's kind of we're damned if we do, damned if we don't situation. (And btw, we couldn't make him. If he doesn't want to, apart from police restraint (which wouldn't improve our relationship), he wouldn't come with us.)

 

Couple that with a short video I watched on their FB site, apartment was a huge mess, and well...my dh and I are feeling a bit hopeless.

 

And I can see why he's hesitant to move back. He doesn't have a great reputation here, he's struggled with us his whole life....there its a clean slate. A fresh start. (In his mind.)

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Well, first, :grouphug: .  You know, plenty of bio kids try to push boundaries and call their parent by their first name.   When I hear a kid do that, I'm always inwardly rolling my eyes and thinking, you're trying too hard.

 

 

My niece actually thinks my son is more interested in relationship with the sister than the mom.
 

 

And regarding this statement, it would not surprise me in the slightest if it's absolutely true. I have always been far more interested in learning about any siblings I may have than my birth parents. My kids have shown little interest in their birth parents, but when I said that it was likely they would have siblings, they were both very intrigued and asked questions.  I guess siblings seem more accessible and you don't have the abandonment baggage that comes from birth parents.  I cringe thinking of birth family talking to  me about their "guilt".  That's my own hang-up.

 

 

 

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I wish I had advice but I'm the mom of an easy only (although not mine by birth we have no attachment issues).  I will do all that I can though which is to give cyber hugs and say I'm thinking of you.

 

((HUGS))

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My heart goes out to you Rose. I keep trying to think of what I would do in your situation, and there are no easy answers. Playing a waiting game must be so hard.

 

I think at this stage I would look at the big long-term picture and figure out what I wanted from him in the relationship and then work backward from there. Although he isn't an adult yet, you have given him adult-level control of the situation (and it sounds like you had good reasons to do so). So picture a couple years down the road, he matures and moves out of the house (yours or hers) and really is an adult. What would you like to see? That he calls you or emails to chat, that he comes to you or his siblings that he grew up with when he has problems, that he spends holiday dinners with your family? Then make sure you come out of this with those values still possible (or whatever ones you personally choose). So keep on sending him supportive messages like you have been doing. Let him know he can always discuss anything with you. Maybe express an interest in meeting his sister since that is an important relationship to him. Make sure he knows his other siblings miss him, and maybe encourage them to contact him to chat together.

 

I think teens are always looking for acceptance. It must feel really good to him to have several new people telling him that he completes them and that they love him. And really, it is positive that he has had such a good reunion. Everyone should have those feelings of being wanted and loved. But he knows that he has that with you too. Their love doesn't diminish your love in any way. And you can see that in his comment about it being weird that you weren't there. (I wouldn't read too much into him using your name. He knows you are Mom.)

 

So keep letting him know you love and miss him and that he is always welcome. He may not come home right away, but in his heart he knows "home" is with you.

 

:grouphug:

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I'm sorry.  RAD sucks.  I hope that you maintain a good relationship however this comes out.

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Guest submarines

Hugs, Rose. You are a wonderful, strong mother. You raised him to handle the situation well. I'm glad your niece's impression of his sister is favourable.

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Rose, you are still in my prayers. I am glad that your niece was honest with you so that you know what you are dealing with. I do understand the intoxicating value that the idea of a fresh start might have to a teen. I hope you are able to keep busy with some fun plans over the summer to keep from dwelling on this more than you have to.

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Friends of ours adopted a sibling group and their children, specifically the eldest son wanted a relationship with his older siblings. The adoptive parents encouraged him to pursue those friendships. They invited the other siblings on camping trips, helped him send birthday presents and made it a point that they had to be home at a certain time each week to call them. When he was older and wanted to live with them, they told him that he was safe right were he was and encouraged him to stay with his adoptive parents.

 

Is there a way you could invite the sibling to come and visit at your home for a couple of weeks? Sort of an exchange visit? She could come and meet all of you, see his community, his friends? If she likes you she will encourage him to keep up a relationship with you when he is an adult. If she hates you she could discourage that.

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:grouphug: I like the idea of inviting the bio-sibling(s), and maybe even the bio-mom if he chooses, to visit in your home. Perhaps if you float that idea to him next time you communicate with him, either on phone or text, that would make it easier for him to come Home. Knowing that he is welcome to see them again in the future, and you are willing to build that bridge.

 

Just a casual " would you like to invite ___________ to visit for Thanksgiving?" Might get him home sooner. I imagine he may feel like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place right now, trying to figure out how he fits into two different families.

 

:grouphug: again.

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Hugs, Rose.

 

I think the fact that he said "It's weird visiting without Rose" means he is thinking of

you a lot.

 

 

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Friends of ours adopted a sibling group and their children, specifically the eldest son wanted a relationship with his older siblings. The adoptive parents encouraged him to pursue those friendships. They invited the other siblings on camping trips, helped him send birthday presents and made it a point that they had to be home at a certain time each week to call them. When he was older and wanted to live with them, they told him that he was safe right were he was and encouraged him to stay with his adoptive parents.Is there a way you could invite the sibling to come and visit at your home for a couple of weeks? Sort of an exchange visit? She could come and meet all of you, see his community, his friends? If she likes you she will encourage him to keep up a relationship with you when he is an adult. If she hates you she could discourage that.

  

:grouphug: I like the idea of inviting the bio-sibling(s), and maybe even the bio-mom if he chooses, to visit in your home. Perhaps if you float that idea to him next time you communicate with him, either on phone or text, that would make it easier for him to come Home. Knowing that he is welcome to see them again in the future, and you are willing to build that bridge.

Just a casual " would you like to invite ___________ to visit for Thanksgiving?" Might get him home sooner. I imagine he may feel like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place right now, trying to figure out how he fits into two different families.

:grouphug: again.

Yes I did think about inviting them. I don't think they'd be able to afford a trip to us. It means two flights each way to get to our place. But I can offer.

 

Thanks for the ideas.

 

I told my dh tomorrow I have to snap out of the serious funk I was in today. I'm not doing anybody a favour.

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I told my dh tomorrow I have to snap out of the serious funk I was in today. I'm not doing anybody a favour.

I am not an emotionally indulgent person (read: stoic Yankee), but please, be kind to yourself. You've got your plate full. Treat yourself as you would your sister if she were in your situation. Take time to pray, rest, eat correctly. I'm prating for you.

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Rose, you've probably thought of this, but when he called you by name . . . he was dealing with loyalty issues in front of birthfamily, and he's new to navigating that.  I bet it stung, but I wouldn't give it too much weight.  He is probably receiving subtle signals from birthfamily about all kinds of issues - it can be as simple as a smile or a frown when he uses "mom" or your name - and he is so young, so new to all of this.  I'm sure his birthfamily is only referring to you by name, and that is adding to his feelings of confusion.

 

When my DS was 3 or 4, we were visiting birthfamily, and he had never heard me called by name.  He asked a question while I was in the kitchen, and his birthmother answered, "You will have to ask Spryte."  So when I walked in, he asked, "Spryte, can I ___?"  Birthfamily thought it was the funniest thing ever, and DS was confused.  He'd never called me anything but, "Mom," till then, but he was going along with what he heard.  He's never done it again, but if that happened to him at 3 or 4, I can only imagine what's going on with your DS, and the confusion he's feeling navigating all of this as a teen, for the first time.  

 

:grouphug: I cannot imagine what you are going through.  Please know that you are in our thoughts.

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The stomach issue thing is really calling to me. Have you considered he has Celiacs even if he has had a negative test? Gluten can exacerbate problems in people who already have issues like RAD, bi-polar or spectrum disorders. Of course, getting a RAD kid to stay on the diet might be nuts and not worth it.

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The stomach issue thing is really calling to me. Have you considered he has Celiacs even if he has had a negative test? Gluten can exacerbate problems in people who already have issues like RAD, bi-polar or spectrum disorders. Of course, getting a RAD kid to stay on the diet might be nuts and not worth it.

I missed this comment when you posted it. Very interesting. I'm going to research this a bit (although you're right about compliance....but maybe in future.)

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So here's my weekly update.

 

He's been in the community where his bio sister lives, for over a week now. On Friday my niece invited him for lunch. His sister minus her boyfriend, tagged along. The sister appears to have a rocky relationship with her boyfriend, father of sister's child. My niece thinks my ds wants to rescue sister from her troubles, or at least be there as support. (His sisters were apprehended from birth mother when they were 10, 12 and lived in group homes through their teens. They've got some significant issues themselves. They did maintain a relationship with birth mother through their teens but didn't live with her.)

 

Today on Facebook I saw sister say her baby needed some eye surgery September 12. I'm thinking my oh will not be coming home before then given him desire to help her.

 

Birth mother is apparently on her way to community where ds and his sister are. I don't know if my ds will go back with her to her home or stay with sister.

 

I can't ask too many questions because he's not ever liked that. So I'm trying to figure out a way to ask him what he's thinking without offending him (which isn't easy). My niece is trying to get him alone so she can talk more freely with him but that hasn't happened yet.

 

I haven't talked with him on phone for a week just literally one word texts a couple of times.

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: This has got to be the longest summer for you ever.

Yes it has. When people, unknowingly ask me what our summer plans are, I just think to myself "if only you knew". We can't make any plans.

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Oh Rose, what a road you are traveling! Hugs, his and more hugs.

 

(ETA - I meant to say "hugs, hugs and more hugs," but I'll not change it above because I imagine ds is storing up a big hug for you when you are together again.)

 

One thing stands out to me from your update today. Your son, though he has attachment issues, does appear to have *compassion* for his sister and her child. That seems like a good & bright thing - and a sign of your good influence - does it not?

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I don't know you at all, but  :grouphug:

So here's my weekly update.

He's been in the community where his bio sister lives, for over a week now. On Friday my niece invited him for lunch. His sister minus her boyfriend, tagged along. The sister appears to have a rocky relationship with her boyfriend, father of sister's child. My niece thinks my ds wants to rescue sister from her troubles, or at least be there as support. (His sisters were apprehended from birth mother when they were 10, 12 and lived in group homes through their teens. They've got some significant issues themselves. They did maintain a relationship with birth mother through their teens but didn't live with her.)

Today on Facebook I saw sister say her baby needed some eye surgery September 12. I'm thinking my oh will not be coming home before then given him desire to help her.

Birth mother is apparently on her way to community where ds and his sister are. I don't know if my ds will go back with her to her home or stay with sister.

I can't ask too many questions because he's not ever liked that. So I'm trying to figure out a way to ask him what he's thinking without offending him (which isn't easy). My niece is trying to get him alone so she can talk more freely with him but that hasn't happened yet.

I haven't talked with him on phone for a week just literally one word texts a couple of times.

 

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(((Rose)))

 

I do admire the way you are holding it all together and still loving and supporting your ds as you feel/know he needs.  I'm sorry about the mess and his feeling of needing to help his sister, but it sounds like you have raised a noble young man with a good heart.  That said, I wish he would think about what you, his dear momma needs, but I think he's very confident in your love for him.

 

Hang in there, I hope and pray he's home with you soon. :grouphug:

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This may not be good or welcome advice - it is easy for me, a person who is NOT in your situation and who really cannot understand it completely to think about what I would do in your situation.

 

I would encourage you to make some simple, inexpensive summer plans. And try your best to enjoy yourself and enjoy your family. I know your heart must be breaking. But your son has made a choice to make this visit and you had the wisdom to allow this. Now you must try to detach with love. Let him know you will be doing some things and how he may contact you if needed. Then do them. Even if you don't feel like it.

 

You are a courageous and wise woman and I greatly admire you.

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This may not be good or welcome advice - it is easy for me, a person who is NOT in your situation and who really cannot understand it completely to think about what I would do in your situation.

 

I would encourage you to make some simple, inexpensive summer plans. And try your best to enjoy yourself and enjoy your family. I know your heart must be breaking. But your son has made a choice to make this visit and you had the wisdom to allow this. Now you must try to detach with love. Let him know you will be doing some things and how he may contact you if needed. Then do them. Even if you don't feel like it.

 

You are a courageous and wise woman and I greatly admire you.

Thank you for this suggestion ...it was timely. Just this afternoon I was thinking that we really need to do something otherwise we'll all feel like he's holding us hostage.

 

My dh and I will have to figure it out.

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I don't know if this will help you at all, but I sent my defiant, non-compliant, sick 16 yo dd to live with her dad for a couple/few months. She was on borrowed time and wanted to help her dad come to terms with it too. She realised it had to be then or not.

I still saw her regularly but had to stand back and watch him NOT take care of her and organise hospital admissions etc.

She needed steady, strong encouragement to come home again as she got really unwell, but in her own time was happy to.

She later told me that she had been offered $3000 by her interstate, paternal grandfather to not come home.

He couldn't understand that she would refuse all that money to come home and have her mum and look after her in her last months.

She came home much less cranky and I expected much less of her, so for us, emotionally, her time with her dad was good.

But bloody, bloody hard and long.

 

Another thing is to expect a major meltdown once he is back and SAFE and doesn't need to keep on guard.

Sort of a welcome home gift for you.

Eldest dd would hold it together during the day during her first year of school (Grade 5) and meltdown as soon as she set her foot outside the school gate.

 

Yes I am presuming he will come home.

Your family is home, but this other family is his too and he needs to feel a part of them.

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