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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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This whole situation is sad and I'm so very sorry it is in your face.  You are handling it remarkable well.  Continue on as you have knowing that love must sometimes be tough.  One thing to keep in mind, which it looks like you already understand, is to not blame yourself.  If you feel that way, it would be misdirected.  Your son acted on free choice and sounds like impulse also (to a point).

 

You're doing great.  Prayed for you and your ds, etc. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

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You guys are great. Honestly I am very lucky to have some good friends that are very supportive....when I phone freaking out about something they've been voices of reason (much like people here are). And while this has been VERY tough for my dh and I, we do have each other for support. But some days have been quite dark.

 

I would agree a need a giant box of chocolate :).

 

And Swellmomma your comment about me wanting to be a gramma one day did make me chuckle (although I know that is a serious concern with mumps).

 

If the boy only knew how many people love and pray for him. But of course that's the big problem...his inability to feel that love from us.

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I don't have much to update. Two nights ago my eldest son told me that ds had told him that he had had a fight with the sister he gets along with and that he was mad at himself because "I always mess things up". I have tried to connect since but no response.

 

Three nights ago he told me he was feeling a it better. I still don't know if mumps were confirmed. (My niece said she had heard salivary gland problem).

 

Also the birth mother and sister have now unfriended me on Facebook.

 

Tomorrow is a provincial holiday in BC so I wont be able to connect with social services until Tuesday.

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We are making a plan. He's 1800 kilometres away. Very expensive to fly (two flights to get there) and we are awaiting parts for a repair to our van before we could consider a road trip. We are a single income household which means we don't have a boatload of disposable income. We were saving the money for his flight home (which was supposed to be their responsibility). This whole thing has essentially ruined summer for our other two kids because we couldn't do our regular family road trip. It makes me mad and sad. (Well ruined mind be a strong word....changed our regular plans.)

 

And if we go before he has decided he wants to come home, there is no way he'd get into our vehicle. So we'd have wasted even more money and presumably would still have to fly him home when he wanted to come back.

 

But we're trying to figure out the best plan of attack.

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Something that comes to mind reading your latest updates - is he still able to contact you?  Or would they have cut off his contact?  If they are cutting off contact with you, would they do that to him too?

 

((((hugs))))

 

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Something that comes to mind reading your latest updates - is he still able to contact you? Or would they have cut off his contact? If they are cutting off contact with you, would they do that to him too?

 

((((hugs))))

This crossed my mind also. Not sure why they'd feel the need to unfriend you on fb? I hope he is allowed to make contact with you, if he wants to.

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Letting him stay until he's ready to return is one thing. Cutting off all contact is another. Can you insist upon regular updates from 'someone.' It seems the least they could do. It just seems ooky for them to block you when they have your child. Is your niece still getting information?

 

Does he have a back-to-school deadline?

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Letting him stay until he's ready to return is one thing. Cutting off all contact is another. Can you insist upon regular updates from 'someone.' It seems the least they could do. It just seems ooky for them to block you when they have your child. Is your niece still getting information?

 

Does he have a back-to-school deadline?

I agree. Can you request a well check on him?

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Things sound off big time.  He has a fight with them and tells your other son there was a problem and now there is no contact, and unfriending etc.  Something is very very wrong.  They are hiding something and imo keeping him away from you.  It sounds like the phone call where he told of the fight was the first one where he was not directly monitored.  I would not be waiting for him to say okay I want to come home, because to me they are preventing that and he doesn't have the option to do so.  Even with the holiday tomorrow you would think a well check from the police is warranted.  They have your child, whom you legally have a right to, and they are keeping him from you.  To me that is them breaking the law.  It doesn't matter if the boy has not said directly to you that he wants to come home, in the end it is unlawful to withhold a child from his legal parents. There needs to be a wellcheck especially since the last you heard there was a fight and now they have gone dark on you like that. Social services for sure on Tuesday.  I have appreciated your take on things up until now, my kids don't have RAD but the 2 oldest do have ODD/CD and there are many similarities, so I get where you had been coming from but this is a whole new ball of wax.  And it is time to put your foot down.  You said you had plan B when this all went on in the form of a relative (was it the neice) that was only 2 hours away and was willing to drive and get him immediately. I think now is that time.  Something is off and I don't want there to be regret on your part for not stepping in sooner.  You can not go to him but I think it is time for neice to, regardless of his Dx, and yes I know it will be extremely difficult to live with him for a while, but it has to be done.  Think of the bio family like a cult, nothing would stop you from going in and taking your child back if it was a cult even if the child thought they loved it etc.  They are brainwashing him, they are cutting off his contact with you, they are isolating him.  All signs of cultish/abusive behaviour.  Time to gear up for war if need be and bring your boy home.  He had his visit, a very long one, you tried to follow his lead, but as you know sometimes being a parent means being willing to be the "bad guy" in order to protect our kids. 

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My niece just texted and said she will try and contact them today. She is still friends on FB with them and she said they posted beach pictures yesterday where everyone looks happy. (Oh and my eldest son said he still has contact with him on Facebook and saw pictures even this morning. )

 

I know it seems funny that we aren't rushing to where he is...I can't explain the years of abuse we suffered with this boy, it's hard for me to even write the word abuse but that is what happened. Last year I started getting counciling because I was suffering from PTSS. I am the primary target of his anger. Any time we consider going to where he is we just can't see the experience being positive for us or him.

 

The police as well as child and youth mental health tell us there's little they can do if he doesn't want to be with us or get help. According to RCMP he is not a missing person. I think social services will try and connect with him this week.

 

Although none of this negates the worry for him and for his future.

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I just wanted to say I am so sorry for all you have been through with your son, and all he is putting you through now . . .

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I know that it's impossible not to worry, but is there any way you can TRY to relax and have some respite? I have a disabled child and I know that some people live with a level of physical and emotional caregiver fatigue that most people cannot imagine. I hope you are able to compartmentalize and find some restorative time so you'll be rested and ready for whatever comes next.

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I know that it's impossible not to worry, but is there any way you can TRY to relax and have some respite? I have a disabled child and I know that some people live with a level of physical and emotional caregiver fatigue that most people cannot imagine. I hope you are able to compartmentalize and find some restorative time so you'll be rested and ready for whatever comes next.

The first week I worried and anticipated a fairly quick return trip. The second and third week have been fairly restful, very peaceful. I can't remember our home being this peaceful in a decade. This past week the worry picked up probably because he phoned saying he was sick.

 

Honestly we're a mixed bag of emotions.

 

But thank you for the advice. We are trying to enjoy the fact that we're able to relax in our own home.

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The fact that your other son and  your niece were both able to see pictures of him looking healthy and smiling is a very good sign.  He ran to you when he was scared, but things are better again now (it seems like) and he's pulling away again.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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My niece just texted and said she will try and contact them today. She is still friends on FB with them and she said they posted beach pictures yesterday where everyone looks happy. (Oh and my eldest son said he still has contact with him on Facebook and saw pictures even this morning. )

 

I know it seems funny that we aren't rushing to where he is...I can't explain the years of abuse we suffered with this boy, it's hard for me to even write the word abuse but that is what happened. Last year I started getting counciling because I was suffering from PTSS. I am the primary target of his anger. Any time we consider going to where he is we just can't see the experience being positive for us or him.

 

The police as well as child and youth mental health tell us there's little they can do if he doesn't want to be with us or get help. According to RCMP he is not a missing person. I think social services will try and connect with him this week.

 

Although none of this negates the worry for him and for his future.

From what you've described, I don't think it seems funny.  It sounds like you are doing and have done the best you can for him.  As long as there is some contact through relatives, and you feel he is safe, I think I would let things be until there is a clear message from him that he wants to be home with you.  It doesn't sound like you really have much of a choice, anyway.

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When my friends' 15-year-d son ran away, the police got involved and told him he had two choices: go home with us (we went after him) or go to jail. It didn't matter that he wanted to be somewhere else.

 

It seems to me that these people are interfering with your custody by not insisting he go home when you want him home. You are his parents. Don't you have any legal rights?

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You are an amazing woman.

What a weird thing to do, to unfriend you NOW.  Just for the goodwill, she ought to keep the window open.

 

I know you love this young man, AND that this has been a very long and rough road for you and your family.  Perhaps this respite is the (well) disguised blessing of an upsetting situation.  Dismaying situation.  I don't really know what to label it. 

 

God be with you.

 

 

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Oh, and btw, my oldest (also adopted) has RAD. She was 18 before she got her head out of her ass and realized we weren't the source of her problems.

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Oh, and btw, my oldest (also adopted) has RAD. She was 18 before she got her head out of her ass and realized we weren't the source of her problems.

That's exactly the problem...he thinks we are the source of his problems. I know there is hope that in the future he'll see the light....that's what we pray will happen.

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Rose, I have a question, but I hope it doesn't come across as snarky or rude, because that's not how I intend it. I'm just trying to understand this a bit better.

 

Do you want your ds to come home soon, or would you prefer that he stay with his bio mom for a while longer? It sounds like he's such a handful when he is at home, and that things are far more peaceful now that he's with his bio mom... yet you seem to feel guilty for even thinking that life is easier now that he's not at home with you, and I'm sure I would feel the same way.

 

I feel so badly for you, because it seems like you are so torn. It also seems like your ds will make your life miserable if you force him to return home, yet he's still just a kid and I can't imagine letting a boy his age make such huge life decisions for himself, particularly because of all of his issues, yet also simply because of his age and the lack of maturity that comes along with being 15 years old.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if you have thought about what you really want to happen, so you can plan accordingly. I can't even imagine being in your situation, so all I can do is pray that everything works out for the best for you, your ds, and your entire family. :grouphug:

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I have no experience with RAD whatsoever so this may be a really stupid suggestion.  But it sounds like things are starting to deteriorate there.  Is there a way your older son can arrange a "safe word" with him so if he needs to get out he can communicate that even if there's a high level of control from the other folks.  That way if he's freaking out and they're all looming around him during phone calls he can let someone know he needs cops called or something.  

 

I've probably watched too many cop shows.

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I find it very concerning that BOTH birth mother and sister defriended you and your son hasn't been in contact. I think he needs a new rule that he has to maintain contact with someone in your family once per day. Your niece, your children, your dh, you -- one of you needs to hear from him each day. Otherwise tell him he will be considered a missing person and the police will get involved. You have been incredibly patient and permissive for this reunion, but it is ridiculous that he can't be responsible enough to let you know he is ok. Beach pictures could have been taken days ago and just now posted to make everything look fine. If he doesn't contact someone by tomorrow morning in a manner where you know for sure it is him (ie. a text doesn't count) I would call the police.

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I forgot to add a hug :grouphug:

 

I'm stressed just following your story. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

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Rose, I have a question, but I hope it doesn't come across as snarky or rude, because that's not how I intend it. I'm just trying to understand this a bit better.

 

Do you want your ds to come home soon, or would you prefer that he stay with his bio mom for a while longer? It sounds like he's such a handful when he is at home, and that things are far more peaceful now that he's with his bio mom... yet you seem to feel guilty for even thinking that life is easier now that he's not at home with you, and I'm sure I would feel the same way.

 

I feel so badly for you, because it seems like you are so torn. It also seems like your ds will make your life miserable if you force him to return home, yet he's still just a kid and I can't imagine letting a boy his age make such huge life decisions for himself, particularly because of all of his issues, yet also simply because of his age and the lack of maturity that comes along with being 15 years old.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if you have thought about what you really want to happen, so you can plan accordingly. I can't even imagine being in your situation, so all I can do is pray that everything works out for the best for you, your ds, and your entire family. :grouphug:

Not taken as snarky at all. Yes we want him home and yes it's hard to say that, given how disruptive he's been in our home. If his birth family was healthy, I'd maybe have a different response but they're not. But we don't want him home if its not his idea because that would be disastrous.

 

And yes we do feel guilty enjoying the peace. But we shouldn't. We needed a break.

 

I also want my boy to know we are his forever family regardless what happens. We do love him. A lot.

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Several things:  Did you give a letter that was signed by yourself so they can have him treated medically? Legally you are still the custodial parents, but how will that change if he won't come home?  I would definetely contact social services to sort out how this sort of situation should be worked out in the future.  I would not send any money to the family, but make expense payment arrangements with social services. 

 

One thought I had on the unfriending is they expected you to jump and fork over money to take care of his expenses.  Perhaps they wanted to have him there but not have to manage any major expenses so they were just stringing you along to see what you would give them. My other thought on this is perhaps they were jealous that he contacted you because they thought they had everything under control on their end.

 

My other thought was, did your son really need the medicine for himself, or would the people he is staying with need them?  I would try and get medical proof just to know.  I would think you could do that since you are the custodial parents. 

 

Last, like others said, it is weird that you have been unfriended. Again, I agree with having the situatuion checked up on.  However, if they are unhealthy people, it might be a pattern they have when they don't know how to deal with perceived conflict.  Really very passive aggressive.  In my opinion, these types of behaviors can be designed to make the people they are used against feel guilty and shameful enough so they will "chase after" or "go through hoops" to make everything right, except that it isn't even your fault what is happening.

 

The balance between letting the situation play itself out and making sure your son is safe and being taken care of in a non abusive way, feels to me like walking on a tightrope where you can fall off if you move to far one way or the other.  Again, you are doing a great job communicating when you get calls.  I encourage you to not let your life stop because of this situation.  Take your vacation.  My fear would be this choice would be something that would get thrown back in my face: see, you didn't want me anyway or you would have waited to have a vacation or I see how it is, as soon as you got rid of me, you decided to have all the fun.) So, if you do have a chance to chat, I would let him know you are vacationing.  Perhaps somewhere not to far from where he is (2-3 hours away).  Maybe it would peak his interest enough to come.  Perhaps though, no matter what you do that involves having fun with the rest of the family will make him jealous and upset anyway. 

 

I don't know if any of that is helpful for you.  :grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  This is such a tough situation and it makes me upset for you everytime there is an update because I just keep wanting to hear that he has decided to come home.   

 

 

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Rose, I just want you to know you are still in my prayers. He is probably in over his head with people who he does not know probably cannot be trusted to do the best thing for him. 

 

I would not send cash for medical treatment. My step dd's mom has a whole scam to get money for medical treatment for her kids. When she says one of her kids has strep throat that means that she NEEDS some pot and cannot get it now that she is out of money at the end of the month. A sick child is the preferred scam of people who don't work. They know that people who would not give them cash will help innocent children.

 

He will want to come home at some point, assuming that he is not completely self destructive. He may feel bad for the hurt he has caused you family and want to give you all some space even if he cannot verbalize that out loud. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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I think you mentioned him having a therapist. Is there a way for him to connect with his regular therapist by phone to help him sort out what he is feeling in this new situation? It might help for him to talk about all this with someone familiar but not directly involved.

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Rose, I just want you to know you are still in my prayers. He is probably in over his head with people who he does not know probably cannot be trusted to do the best thing for him. 

 

I would not send cash for medical treatment. My step dd's mom has a whole scam to get money for medical treatment for her kids. When she says one of her kids has strep throat that means that she NEEDS some pot and cannot get it now that she is out of money at the end of the month. A sick child is the preferred scam of people who don't work. They know that people who would not give them cash will help innocent children.

 

He will want to come home at some point, assuming that he is not completely self destructive. He may feel bad for the hurt he has caused you family and want to give you all some space even if he cannot verbalize that out loud. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

 

Wow, I didn't for one minute think that might be a scam but you've got me thinking. It's surely not out of the realm of possibility. Anyway, he has his medical card for dr care. No money required to see dr and no one else can use card (I think). If he needs meds I'd have to pay but I would pay directly to pharmacy over phone.

 

My niece did mention that she had a feeling sister's boyfriend was thinking my son = money. We r not sending money. He can forget that.

 

 

I think you mentioned him having a therapist. Is there a way for him to connect with his regular therapist by phone to help him sort out what he is feeling in this new situation? It might help for him to talk about all this with someone familiar but not directly involved.

He has had counciling but in the last few months refused any further appointments but there is one person with social services (source of counciling) that may be able to connect with him. I will talk to her Tuesday.

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My niece just texted and said she's meeting my boy tomorrow. Yay!

I just let out the biggest sigh.  I didn't even realize how much I hold my breath when I am reading your updates.  Oh I am so glad to hear this.

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My niece just texted and said she's meeting my boy tomorrow. Yay!

 

Please make sure that she does everything in her power to have some time ALONE with him.  Whether it is a walk to the park, a trip to the store to pick up "meds", a movie, dinner out, something.  He needs to be in a place where he feels he can be honest without jeopardizing the new relationships he feels he is building with that family.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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I just let out the biggest sigh.  I didn't even realize how much I hold my breath when I am reading your updates.  Oh I am so glad to hear this.

 

same here... ((hugs)) and continued prayers

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My niece just texted and said she's meeting my boy tomorrow. Yay!

 

I hope this goes well and they get some time alone to talk. :grouphug:

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