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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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Tons of hugs and love being sent your way. Prayers of safety and clear eyes for him.

 

I can't imagine the pain you are going through, but I do agree that you did the best you can for him (and the family) by letting him go. You are very brave and a good mama to see that this is a journey he needs to take and it would have been done with or without your support. I am certain, you making this trip possible for him, is the right thing to do. While you continued to offer him and 'out' all along, you allowed him to board the plane and start taking the steps to meet his bio-family. Good, bad, whatever his experience there....you did the right thing by letting him go. The rage you would have dealt with otherwise, would have been inconceivable and only damaged your family more.

 

Prayers and positive thoughts for you and yours,

 

~Tap

Thanks for these kind words.

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Praying for you and your son Rose.

 

We have two adopted through foster care. I live in fear of moments like this.

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I have been thinking of your situation and your bravery today. Praying for a peaceful resolution.

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Here's a brief update. He's having fun. And I'm having a hard time not feeling a bit resentful. (I wished you knew me in real life. Neither my dh or I are resentful, bitter kind of people.). I guess I'm feeling like how can we compete? She has him for a week or two and they're doing "cool" things. Tonight they're going to a KISS concert tonight. It's hard not to feel resentful that she can afford tickets but is saddling us with his return flight which will be $400 and we're a single income family.

 

He's probably thinking they're cool and we're stick in the muds.

 

They posted a "family" photo on Facebook today. He looks happy. I'm happy they get to know each other I guess I just wished it would have played out differently and involved us.

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Awe.  :grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  I would have a really difficult time with this.  You are a very strong family to be open to having your son see his birth parents.  It may seem like a gloriously good time now.  However, the past hurts from his birth family most likely aren't erased from his mind.  Praying for you.   

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He is old enough to understand the difference between a week or two of a good time and years of love and care.  He might find some of the things they do "cool," but when he needs a hug - you will be the one he runs to.   Hang in there mama....  Thanks for the update. I have been stalking the board to find out how he is doing. 

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GRR, they can afford a concert, but refuse to buy a return flight. I understand the resentment. 

 

I wish there was an easy button or a switch you could flip to show him this whole thing from your perspective. 

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Thanks for all the supportive comments. As this day winds down I do wonder what if calls us and says he's not coming home. I don't think that will happen but it could happen.

 

I'm going to try very hard not to go down that road of thinking. It's useless to worry.

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Thanks for all the supportive comments. As this day winds down I do wonder what if calls us and says he's not coming home. I don't think that will happen but it could happen.

 

I'm going to try very hard not to go down that road of thinking. It's useless to worry.

 

(((hugs)))

 

I have no idea what the right way to handle that would be in your unique circumstances. 

 

But, my instinct would be to get on the next flight (or drive) and GO GET YOUR SON. 

 

I'd involve a lawyer immediately, and would use the police to enforce your child to go with you, and would tell them all that I'd put restraining orders prohibiting ANY contact until he is 18 if they don't all cooperate. I'd also get rid of internet and long distance phone access. I guess I'd just freak out.

 

I am sure that would not be helpful. ;)

 

Stay very busy this week. Go to the movies. Watch a movie marathon. Whatever you can do to keep your mind occupied and your body tired. If you exercise, do lots. If you don't usually exercise, do a little. ;)

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I will continue to pray for your situation.

 

I don't know what I would do in your shoes. Likely, I'd be feeling all the same things. It's going to be a hard week or two but please know we are all here for you.

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(((hugs)))

 

I have no idea what the right way to handle that would be in your unique circumstances.

 

But, my instinct would be to get on the next flight (or drive) and GO GET YOUR SON.

 

I'd involve a lawyer immediately, and would use the police to enforce your child to go with you, and would tell them all that I'd put restraining orders prohibiting ANY contact until he is 18 if they don't all cooperate. I'd also get rid of internet and long distance phone access. I guess I'd just freak out.

 

I am sure that would not be helpful. ;)

 

Stay very busy this week. Go to the movies. Watch a movie marathon. Whatever you can do to keep your mind occupied and your body tired. If you exercise, do lots. If you don't usually exercise, do a little. ;)

Ha, ha! Those are all the things I'd like to do, but I know my boy and I know that wouldn't help our situation. (My other two kids, absolutely but then they wouldn't have boarded a plane without us in the first place.)

 

This child has stretched us in ways i never would have imagined. And we love him so much. ,

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:grouphug: I have no experience with any of this at all. My intuition tells me she can not sustain this level of attention long term which will bring him home. I am praying for your family.

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Just want you to know I'm praying every time I see this topic heading. We once had a foster son we wanted to adopt. I so understand this scenario, though only went through it at the foster parent level not at the level of having been adoptive parents.

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:grouphug:

 

You are so strong.  I know you probably don't feel it right now, but you are brave and strong.  You are doing the best for your son.  I'm in awe (honestly) of how you have handled all of this.  I hope that someday your son realizes all you have done and how much you have endured.  

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Right now they're all in a "honeymoon" phase, and I can't imagine that it will last. I'm sorry you have to go through this heartache and worry when you've been through so much with him already. I also hope that someday he understands all you have sacrificed for him and how much you love him.

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:grouphug:

 

I'm also following along and holding my breath each time I see that you've updated.  I think you're doing everything right.

 

As an adoptee, I never struggled with a sense of "place", but I dated another adoptee for 4 years that struggled with it and still does to this day, at age 43.  He's also bi-polar. We had a hard time relating to each other because I just didn't understand his feelings and he didn't understand my lack of them.  As you can see with your other children, this is related to your son's personality and other possible psychological diagnoses. I don't know if he has the mental capacity at this point to see past the "fun parents", but maybe some day.

 

You have my utmost respect.

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Praying for you, Rose. I've been following this thread, too. My children are all adopted from foster care, but they were all very young (infants and toddlers), so attachment and bonding has not been a problem. I just feel for you, though. It's hard having others involved in your relationship with your child. Will continue to pray.

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Our son's brother's brother (our adopted son's bio-brother's adoptive brother---if you can follow that) found his bio parents recently as well at 17. He went down to Florida--think Disney, SeaWorld, etc. to visit dad. The first week was great, 2nd not so much ,and by the 3rd he was headed home. He realized just how good things were here.

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So I just hung up the phone. Ds called home. I was so happy to hear his voice (conversations thus far were texts).

 

He asked me not to book a return flight yet.

 

I tried not to sound panicked. I knew bio mom was sitting near him (could hear her).

 

He asked how much notice I needed to book a flight. I said a week (which is true because we live In a fairly remote area that's seeing an industrial boom so flights are often full of construction workers.)

 

It was such an awkward conversation knowing she was listening in. I just told him we loved him and missed him and that we were happy he was getting to know his birth family.

 

There is no procedural manual for this kind of an event.

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As a fellow adoptive mom... no words, just lots and lots of  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Jackie

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There is no procedural manual for this kind of an event.

There is SO much in the foster to adopt world that there is no manual for. I think you did great. You reassured him of your love for him but also supported his getting to know the bio family. I think that is the best you can do in this situation.

 

Someday we should get together with other foster to adopt parents and write a book............."All the things they never told you in your foster/adopt classes"

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That woman sounds like a very selfish person.  I hope that given time, your ds sees this.  Once the "honeymoon" period is over, he may realize how much better off he is with you.  

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I have no update from social services. I'm guessing they may not have gone until Friday afternoon and by the time they updated our local worker maybe it was too late in the day to call us. I will call them first thing Monday morning. (I had hoped they could have even emailed a brief note, but they didn't.)

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So I just hung up the phone. Ds called home. I was so happy to hear his voice (conversations thus far were texts).

 

He asked me not to book a return flight yet.

 

I tried not to sound panicked. I knew bio mom was sitting near him (could hear her).

 

He asked how much notice I needed to book a flight. I said a week (which is true because we live In a fairly remote area that's seeing an industrial boom so flights are often full of construction workers.)

 

It was such an awkward conversation knowing she was listening in. I just told him we loved him and missed him and that we were happy he was getting to know his birth family.

 

There is no procedural manual for this kind of an event.

Hold strong little mama! You are doing great without that manual.  You have good instincts, and are listening to your head instead, that is what parenting a RAD child is all about. LOL  Know what you know, but don't follow your heart....follow your head. You know if you had a manual, he would find a way to be the outlier anyways. LOL   

 

Prayers for peaceful dreams for you tonight.

 

For him, prayers that he is starting to see the difference in the love that comes from parents that have taken care of him his entire life and the love a bio-parent who just met him.  They are both a strong love, but they are very different on so many levels.  I hope he is open to seeing that. 

 

Are you allowing yourself to enjoy the break at least?  If nothing else, please take a moment to enjoy going to bed at night, without having to deal with attitude all day long and to wake up in the morning to birds chirping and kids playing.

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Hold strong little mama! You are doing great without that manual. You have good instincts, and are listening to your head instead, that is what parenting a RAD child is all about. LOL Know what you know, but don't follow your heart....follow your head. You know if you had a manual, he would find a way to be the outlier anyways. LOL

 

Prayers for peaceful dreams for you tonight.

 

For him, prayers that he is starting to see the difference in the love that comes from parents that have taken care of him his entire life and the love a bio-parent who just met him. They are both a strong love, but they are very different on so many levels. I hope he is open to seeing that.

 

Are you allowing yourself to enjoy the break at least? If nothing else, please take a moment to enjoy going to bed at night, without having to deal with attitude all day long and to wake up in the morning to birds chirping and kids playing.

Thanks for this awesome post. Follow my head, not heart is the best advice (not easy to do). I chuckled at your comment about not having to deal with his attitude. So true. Of course I do have two other teens including one other FASD boy, who still give me plenty of attitude :). But nothing competes with a RAD child :).

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Honestly, I have been through some of this, and it is better for you if he stays longer. The longer it goes, the more he sees how their home really is. He really needs the mental clarity. If he only has fun he won't know how it would be to be there all the time. Maybe he could even notice that even though she bought concert tickets now she can't afford to pay the water bill and its about to be shut off, or whatever. My oldest would always call at the end of the summer with her mom and BEG me to let her stay longer. I figured out that her mom expected her to do it and listened in. But six weeks was enough, when we picked her up she always gave a BIG sigh of relief to be home.

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Honestly, I have been through some of this, and it is better for you if he stays longer. The longer it goes, the more he sees how their home really is. He really needs the mental clarity. If he only has fun he won't know how it would be to be there all the time. Maybe he could even notice that even though she bought concert tickets now she can't afford to pay the water bill and its about to be shut off, or whatever. My oldest would always call at the end of the summer with her mom and BEG me to let her stay longer. I figured out that her mom expected her to do it and listened in. But six weeks was enough, when we picked her up she always gave a BIG sigh of relief to be home.

 

Rose :grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug: , I agree with this so much. The bios won't be able to maintain happy, happy, fun, fun forever. This is a honeymoon, but like all honeymoons, they come to an end and real life intrudes. If he ends up with an opportunity to see how they really are, it might be for the best. 

 

Stay strong mamma, you.are.doing.great!

 

Much support and prayers,

Faith

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Honestly, I have been through some of this, and it is better for you if he stays longer. The longer it goes, the more he sees how their home really is. He really needs the mental clarity. If he only has fun he won't know how it would be to be there all the time. Maybe he could even notice that even though she bought concert tickets now she can't afford to pay the water bill and its about to be shut off, or whatever. My oldest would always call at the end of the summer with her mom and BEG me to let her stay longer. I figured out that her mom expected her to do it and listened in. But six weeks was enough, when we picked her up she always gave a BIG sigh of relief to be home.

Hmmm, that makes a lot of sense. That's a good perspective. Thanks.

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Praying for you with this situation. My kids do not have RAD but oldest has conduct disorder and a few other things so I know what it is to be living with that level of chaos they like to stir up. I wanted to jump in the thread for a moment to "hold you hand" for a second through this. Also to say that while ds does not have RAD many of his behaviours are the same. And when he goes to see his dad there is photos, and smiles and monitored phone calls and all the rest. He thinks it is great fun. BUT even he has said once he is home, that it was all great fun but that is not his home. As much as he fights me and his siblings, and half the town and has so many issues, he still knows the difference between the 2 and knows where he can count on support etc. The longest he has ever lasted at his dad's was 10 days last summer. They has a ton of fun every day, a new adventure constantly. And although he asked to stay 14 days and I agreed on the 9th day he phoned me and told me he wanted to come home. I had his father dropping him off the next day. If he didn't I would have charged with kidnapping, and unlawful confinement since I have custody of him and ex does not.

 

Now with a birth mother it is not quite the same as an ex BUT A) she doesn't have parental rights anymore, those were severed for you to adopt him. So regardless of what she thinks, the fact is when the visit is over, the visit is over and anything more is kidnapping, even if the 15 yr old wants to stay. The same would be true if he was with the grandparents, or his best friend's parents. This woman has no parental rights left. and B ) at the end of the day even with the RAD he knows deep down where his true home is. That is why he has the RAD behaviours there and not with the birthmom etc. Those behaviours come out against the ones he trusts the most but can't cope with those feelings of trust. So even with all teh fun planned etc, he knows his home.

 

You made the choice you felt was absolutely best for the whole family. And it is great he is getting his visit, but I think Monday in addition to calling CPS for an update I would be booking the return ticket home. That is not something he gets to choose, imo. Needing a week's notice means he will have 1.5 week visit which is more than ample for a first visit. I mean my kids would choose not to come home from camp etc if given the choice, but it does come to an end at somepoint and that's that. I know my ds with his behaviours often rages for hours-days after a prolongued visit with anyone else, or after he returns from camp. We are ready for it, though it doesn't make it easier. So be prepared for it. But I would buy the return ticket and just tell him that is the day he is to return home, and then he can help plan another visit down the line.

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You popped into my head today and I came online to find this thread... Praying things are going as well as can be expected...

Heather

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

ETA:  triple posted, but I know you can use all the good thoughts and hugs possible right now.

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