My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

[Rose in BC]

No meeting with my niece today. She has rheumatoid arthritis (has had arthritis since a child) and had a big flare up today. She apologized profusely. They'll try again Wednesday.

 

Of course I'm disappointed. (Near tears disappointed.) But I know she would have met him if she could have. We'll see what happens Wednesday. Tomorrow I phone social services.

[8circles]

Rose, somehow I've missed all of this until this morning when I read through the whole story.  I'm in awe of your strength & love & also heartsick for you.  You have my prayers.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Eagle]

:grouphug: What a disappointing day. :( Hopefully social services can help tomorrow.

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry, Rose. I was hoping you would have gotten some reliable information about your ds today. :(

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:   :grouphug:

[aggieamy]

Rose - I'm thinking of you and your family today.  ((HUGS))

[Spryte]

Hoping that social services was able to be of some help.

 

Sending warm thoughts and strength.   :grouphug:

[jrn]

:grouphug:  still praying.

[maize]

I've been following quietly, but want you to know I am thinking of and praying for you.

[Rose in BC]

Yesterday was horrible. I had a dialogue (texting) with ds which turned sour fast. He hurled every hurtful thing he could at me including repeatedly telling me I'm only his adopted mom not his "real" family. It's everything I've heard before in person but reading the words was very hurtful.

 

Social services is trying to make contact with him today.

[Rose in BC]

I appreciate the kind words and prayers.

[Hannah]

I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through.  Wishing you much strength.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: Oh Rose.  Just remember that kids with RAD try especially to hurt those they know truly love them.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[AmyontheFarm]

Yesterday was horrible. I had a dialogue (texting) with ds which turned sour fast. He hurled every hurtful thing he could at me including repeatedly telling me I'm only his adopted mom not his "real" family. It's everything I've heard before in person but reading the words was very hurtful.

 

Social services is trying to make contact with him today.

 

We don't have to deal with RAD but a few times, when she has gotten angry she'll hurl mean, cruel words at me also.  I would respond with "I still love you!" and she'd slam the door and walk away.  One time, I didn't say, "I still love you!" and she burst into tears, fell to the floor and started sobbing.  Once, I got her calmed down she asked why I had stopped loving her.  Oy Boy!  Yes, I still love you!  Suddenly, there were hugs and kisses.  Gee whiz, kid!

 

Apparently, she needs to hear that a dozen times a day.

 

Could he be tossing insults just to see if you would say, "I still love you"  ?

 

[StephanieZ]

Sadly, many teens go through a period of hating their families and lashing out. I wonder if it would be helpful at all to try to view this as a more typical rebellion period. The fact that he has a biological family just gives him that to use against you and that to cling to right now, but if he didn't have them, he might just have clung to someone else, a 'bad' girlfriend or her family or a druggie gang or something similar, and possibly more damaging than his current situation. At least there are some members of this family that might not be malevolent and might even genuinely care for him even if their ability to care is limited by their own limitations. He isn't hooked up with someone whose only connection to him is shared needles or similar.

 

So, if he had run off and joined a circus (my aunt literally did that at fourteen, and my mom was her caretaker, and I am pretty sure mom still holds it against her 40 years later) or got sucked in to a sketchy family of a girl friend . . . Well, those concepts might help take the sting out of the personal rejection. He would likely still be hurling cruel things at you, just because he is rebelling and separating, and that is what narcissistic teens in pain do. And most teens are in pain and narcissistic. . .

 

There are probably lots of moms who have btdt with a child separating and rebelling. How do they handle it? What is the best way to handle it?

 

I don't know the answer to that.

 

And I allow for the highly likely fact that this mental approach may be totally inappropriate and unhelpful, in which case, please totally disregard what I wrote. I am just brainstorming, and I have no expertise whatsoever. I do have a rebellious fourteen year old son, who is in his birth family, us, his only family, and has had no trauma whatsoever, but who can still be an utter pain in my ass and bring me to sobs. I feel for my own son's sincere pain which I know is borne out of the universal process of growing up and the internal struggles that entails. However, my empathy doesn't stop me from being wounded by him. I can't imagine how much harder it must be in your family's circumstance.

 

(((Hugs)))

[Anne in CA]

If it makes you feel any better I suffered a great deal when I heard words like this, but my step dd has admitted that she knew they were untrue even as she said them. Sometimes she felt like she had to show her mom she loved her by hurting me. When I made sure not to show any hurt from the words, even though that was not how i really felt, she backed off a lot. I am sooo sorry for what you are going through right now. 

 

This morning I was praying for you and God reminded me of when my dd was fourteen and my aunt "accidentally" ran into her at the grocery store while she was visiting her mom for the weekend. My aunt had been praying at home when she heard a voice tell her to go a grocery store across town that she never went to. She was obedient and there was my step dd with her mom and siblings. My aunt then told my step dd that God wanted her to chose which family she would be like when she grew up and start showing allegiance to that family. I DID NOT tell my aunt to do this, lol. It really shook up dd and she behaved much better for a couple of YEARS, after that. She really picked up some scary mean behavior at the age of 17, and continued until she moved out for school, but I was remembering that a well meaning family member "shocked" her into seeing things that helped her. 

 

God has not forgotten you, it is just very scary right now.

[Anne in CA]

If it makes you feel any better I suffered a great deal when I heard words like this, but my step dd has admitted that she knew they were untrue even as she said them. Sometimes she felt like she had to show her mom she loved her by hurting me. When I made sure not to show any hurt from the words, even though that was not how i really felt, she backed off a lot. I am sooo sorry for what you are going through right now. 

 

This morning I was praying for you and God reminded me of when my dd was fourteen and my aunt "accidentally" ran into her at the grocery store while she was visiting her mom for the weekend. My aunt had been praying at home when she heard a voice tell her to go a grocery store across town that she never went to. She was obedient and there was my step dd with her mom and siblings. My aunt then told my step dd that God wanted her to chose which family she would be like when she grew up and start showing allegiance to that family. I DID NOT tell my aunt to do this, lol. It really shook up dd and she behaved much better for a couple of YEARS, after that. She really picked up some scary mean behavior at the age of 17, and continued until she moved out for school, but I was remembering that a well meaning family member "shocked" her into seeing things that helped her. 

 

God has not forgotten you, it is just very scary right now.

[Starr]

:grouphug: Praying for your family and here are a few more  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: . Throw in being a teen with all of his other issues and I'm sure he doesn't see the trees for the forest.

[Laurie4b]

I am so sorry that you're in so much pain, and are so helpless and unable to control anything. Every time I see this thread, I pray for your kiddo. :grouphug:

[Seasider]

Praying an invisible force field around you to help the angry words bounce off. I can only imagine how much they hurt. Remember it's the RAD talking.

 

I am also praying for you that there will be some resolution fairly soon, and in the meantime, for the Lord to grant you power to endure.

 

I am glad you are keeping us up to date. You can always post, vent and cry here. The barrel of virtual hugs is bottomless.

[Word Nerd]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Please delete all those texts so you won't be drawn to reread the hateful, hurtful words. They're false and do not reflect reality. I'm sure you already know that, but I think it's worth stressing that point.

[PrincessMommy]

Yesterday was horrible. I had a dialogue (texting) with ds which turned sour fast. He hurled every hurtful thing he could at me including repeatedly telling me I'm only his adopted mom not his "real" family. It's everything I've heard before in person but reading the words was very hurtful.

 

Social services is trying to make contact with him today.

 

:grouphug:  so sorry he's hurting you this way.  :crying:

[Rose in BC]

My niece just called. He's definitely not coming back. Her advice was not to fight it because anything we do will,throw fuel on the fire. (She is 33 and a mother so I do trust her. Social services has pretty much offered similar advice.) He sees us (me) as the source of all his troubles. And of course birth family is perpetuating that thought.

 

My family (sisters etc read the hate text he sent me last night and said that we have done all we can. He has to figure it out. )

 

We will let social,services communicate with him. They may offer some services if they're involved and he goes to school.

 

We will convey the message that we are always his family and that this is his home.

 

I started a low sugar diet yesterday...definitely bad timing.

 

I feel numb.

 

(Honestly I think he'll be back but not for some time.)

[Kathryn]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry Rose.

[Little Nyssa]

((hugsRose)) and prayers.

[aggieamy]

I'm so sorry Rose.  I think he'll be back too.  I suspect that honeymoon will be over very shortly. 

[Snickerdoodle]

{{{{{{{{{Rose}}}}}}}}}

[RebeccaS]

As a foster/adoptive mama, this has been continually in my thoughts and prayers.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to you and your family.  I, too, believe he will come back.  That honeymoon phase can be so strong and come crashing down so quickly.  

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[jennynd]

I am so sorry Rose. But when I read your post this morning I had the same feeling. You will have to let him go and figure it out himself. Hopefully he will see one day that you truly love him. And to be all honest, it might be better for your other kids and yourself. Just let him know that you respect his choice and you will always have a room for him if he ever needs it.

[Truscifi]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I have been following the ongoing saga, and I just want to say I think you are handling this amazingly well.  Do you think he may also be testing whether you will really still be there for him?  Especially if his birth mother is feeding him the idea that you aren't really his family and blaming you for his problems, he may be testing whether you will keep that promise.  (I only know what I have learned on this board about RAD but I used to work with kids in the system and this is something a lot of them would do.)

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[hjffkj]

So sorry to hear that Rose. Is there anything legally you have to do in order to make sure you protect the rest of your family. I know its hard to think about but it may be necessary. You are still his legal guardian and anything he does there you are financially responsible for since he is a minor. Get that straightened out fast since birth family may still see dollar signs and try to take advantage.

[mommaduck]

Just catching up :grouphug: I'm sorry, sweetie.

[Laurie4b]

I am deeply sorry, Rose.  Whatever happens, you have loved him. That love has impacted him even if it doesn't show. You were faithful to what you were called to do as a mother.  I hope there are lots of people to give you :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  in real life.

 

I think it's okay to delay the diet.  Just eat healthy foods that nourish you.

[sparrow]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm so sorry, Rose.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Kakids]

:grouphug:   I'm sorry it's turned out this way.

[StephanieZ]

Oh, I am so very, very sorry. 

 

Be well. Love yourself and the rest of your family. You are a wise and loving woman, and you will be OK.

 

It's not forever. It is for now. Be there, fluffing the pillows and readying the safe spot for when your son is ready to crash land back home. He will. 

 

(((((((hugs)))))))))

[Anne in CA]

I am sooo sorry. I do believe he loves you and knows you are his family. He probably feels as badly about all the things that have gone wrong as you do and wants a "fresh" start. He is just too young to know that when ever you start fresh you take yourself with you. I agree with you that he will come home. I know you are in pain right now and that giving you advice is obnoxious, but I hope you will not blame yourself. Clearly you are his real mother according to the wisdom of Solomon. No unkind thing he says can change that. Please use this time to recharge yourself and allow yourself to receive healing for your pain. Your other children will learn a lot from how you handle this. It is unfair, but this pain will eventually make your whole family more loving. I know this from personal experience. 

[BigMamaBird]

:grouphug:

[lmrich]

Oh sweet, patient, strong, loving Rose. You are such a beautiful example of selfless love. I hope your pain is quieted soon. Much love.

[jelbe5]

Hugs to you all. I am so sorry . . .

[AmyontheFarm]

Rose, I want to be like you when I grow up.  Calm and peaceful.  Me, I'd be tearing apart the hay mow with my bare hands, smashing something with a sledge hammer and screaming my head off.  Praying for you and your family.

 

If you need a tractor tire to beat on, I have one out in the yard for you to use.

[Tap]

no words just

  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[MomtoCandJ]

Just hugs

[source of joy]

Just hugs and prayers. I think you are a very wise woman in your handling of the situation so far.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

[Corraleno]

Oh sweet, patient, strong, loving Rose. You are such a beautiful example of selfless love. I hope your pain is quieted soon. Much love.

 

This. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Jackie

[SKL]

I have a friend who adopted a boy (from foster / abusive background) at age 4, and he said/did similar things (the "real family" stuff) when he was a young adult.  My friend was reeling and hurting.  But the young man had to learn for himself who his "real" family was.  He did come around.  I hope this happens for your son too, but as you have already said, it may take a while.  Wishing you peace and comfort in the mean time.